Life Without College

Well, folks, I don't know whether this is the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, or simply a redirection of focus for the time being. I have been contemplating starting a new blog for a while now, about my "life and adventures" of being an autodidact and not choosing the traditional college path. I was considering for a while simply changing this blog up to suit that purpose, but in the end I made the official decision to start a brand-new blog.

It is with great excitement that I announce my new blog: Life Without College. So far I have two entries and more feedback that I could have hoped for in the span of 5 days, and I am very excited to see where this new pursuit will go.

The blog that you are looking at right now will still be up and running, perhaps at the pace it already was; I fully intend on writing the book reviews I promised. So this blog will probably primarily be used for book reviews, poetry, and other similar non-related topics to Life Without College.

So, check out my new blog, enjoy, and be sure to tell your friends!

Yours Truly,
~Jessica

Tuesday. This is Tuesday. Not Thursday.

A new semester begins, and, as I've always said, as long as there is God and coffee, life is good!

Well, I've always wanted to say that, anyway.

Now, here is the part where I hit the fast-forward button so you all don't have to read through any incessant whinings and grumblings about not getting any respect about not going to college: pffffffftttttttttyyyyyyyyyyssssssssllllllllllllllllllllltheyjustdon'tunderstandjjjjjjjjjjjrrrrrrrllllllllccccccciIamreallydoingthingsdfdjjjjjjjjjjjjjttttttttdddddddddddslslsllslslsllllllliiiuuuuuuandtheycanjustgetoveritkjkjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmaybeIshouldjustgetoverthemtttttttllllllwwwwwwhhhhchangemymentalityvvvvvmmmmmqqqqoooooppppptttttttttbetterpersonjjjjjjjttttttlllllllllnkkkkkknotdoinganythingdifferentkklllleeeooootppppppccvccccdddddddddddohgoodgrief.

Now, with that behind me, I would like to say I am going to start blogging more. For real this time. For real real this time. For REAL real reall this time!!!

Look, I'll start right this moment (Jessica, you are already blogging) (shh, be quiet, I'm blogging!!):

This bright, sunny, beautiful morning, I rose out of bed with a shout of glee, for life is beautiful, just like the sunshine. However, when I really woke up, it was dark still. The Beatles CD that has been sitting in my CD player/clock alarm for the past two weeks woke me up AGAIN, reminding me I had stayed up too late AGAIN. I fell back asleep for 20 minutes, woke up on my own accord and remembered that I wanted to be awake. To read and drink coffee.

Thrown out of bed by this delicious prospect (which never ceases to be the best thing EVER to do upon first waking up), I dashed to the coffee maker, ground my favorite dark French roast from Trader Joe's, turned the pot on, and went back into my room for Kiss and my fuzzy blanket. The coffee brewed, I poured myself a cup, and snuggled up with my doggie to read. I am trying to read this book slower than I really want to, because I don't want to start a new book until Thursday when we leave for the beach. Soooooo I have to stop being obsessed with what happens next. Wow, the first time in my life I want to be slow at reading. Weirdness.

I worked out some, ate breakfast, and made up my mind to blog. Which is what I am doing now.

Somehow I had gotten into my head that all of my blog entries must contain deep philosophy, theology, or something else of that nature, so I guess that, along with not having a ton of time...

If my mother gets hit by a car going 55 mph because she is standing in the middle of the road talking to somebody who was driving by, then I am going to be very angry at her for doing something she would have told me not to. Humph.

....caused me to not write much at all. And still, this entry does not seem complete without philosophy. So! I will make a little list of philosophical musings (aka plaguing questions and chin-stroking thoughts) on my mind recently, and maybe I'll pick one to elaborate on in a later entry:

1. Why do people think they have the right to give anybody and everybody advice? Especially if they barely know that person...and they don't know they whole story? I meet new people all the time who ask me what I am doing with my life. I begin to tell them, and then the immediately solicit advice that I never asked for and don't want to hear. I don't care if I'm having a bad attitude.....okay, fine.

Better attitude thoughts:

2. God opens doors only at the moments when they are supposed to be opened. Not a moment before. There's no need for them just to stand open. But if I come to a door and it's closed, I just need to keep moving down the corridor of life till I come to another open one, right?

3. God puts us through pain to draw us closer to him and make us more fit for heaven. Bad things happen so he can mold us for the betterment of ourselves for this world and the next. It's all in his plans. God can stop Satan, but sometimes he sees that if he lets Satan have his way, God can use it for much better good than if God never let it happen.

4. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He doesn't do this for no reason, and he doesn't do it cruelly. He doesn't give us a glimpse or a teaser at something wonderful and then snatch it out from under our noses. That is what I thought this verse meant for a long, long time. But that isn't what it means at all. There is a time for everything. There was a time, almost 4 years, in fact, where God let me swim. I swam three days a week, and I swam meets. I won races. I had a wonderful time, found a hobby I love, stayed in shape, made some of the greatest friends in the universe, developed a good competitive spirit, discovered an interest in health and fitness, figured out my siblings and I have a magical genetic bent towards swimming (thus getting my entire family involved on the team), among other things. Most importantly, the whole experience made me grow closer to God. Had I never joined swim team, I might be in an awful place now, because even at 15 I was heading down a rotten banana peel path full of rebellion and hatred.

But, like I said, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I'm officially aged out of competition now. I'm too busy to attend more than one practice a week. I won't get to see my friends as often. I'll get slow. I will pray I don't get fat (even though I continue to work out at home, I need that swimming cardio). But now is not the time in my life to swim several days a week and compete. That time has passed. And, while it makes me sad, God has other plans for me now, and that is comforting.

Do not worry, dear readers (if you're still out there after a very long break). I will soon get back into my this-is-what-happened-today-and-this-is-what-I've-been-thinking-lately blogging mode. It will take practice and perseverence, but it shall come about. After all, if I can't do it now, you'll never hear how Oregon goes.

So long (hopefully not very long)!

~Jessica

WARNING: This post shall contain absolutely no philosophy.

My, my, my.....

"Your what?"

*ahem* *starts over again* My, my, my, I think too much and blog too little.  All my thoughts go straight to my head, and hardly any go on paper, or screen, or whatever.  I was just thinking today how I love blogging, but blogging these days is going rather slow.  Some people have completely converted to Facebook.  I just simply re-post my blog posts on Facebook so that everyone is all happy (I have no idea if anyone actually reads them, but I can imagine that somebody along the way is happy).  I think the thing is that Facebook statuses are like really short blog entries, where I can say one thing and it starts an entire controversy.  It is really quite fascinating....5 seconds as opposed to 30 minutes to an hour of writing to create the same sort of response.  

Anyways, I will move on to other things, as each entry these days seems to start off with a long and annoying disclaimer about how I have not written in a long time.  At this moment, I am sitting in the kitchen, waiting for the chickens to reach 180 degrees inside and listening to the classical station on the radio.  I was listening to Relient K as I have been in a Relient K mood all day for some odd reason.  For the record, the album was "Five Score and Seven Years Ago", which I never really liked when it first came out because all the songs sounded the same and like all their other songs on their other CDs, thus driving me clinically insane and causing me not to endear myself to it at all, with the exception of "Must Have Done Something Right", or whatever it is.  But after wanting to listen to that song in the first place, and having done so, deciding to listen to the entire album all the way through while stuffing things up chickens, and I don't mind it as much as I did.  I can appreciate it lyrically.  Yes, so I was listening to that, and then it ended, and I was too lazy to walk the 30 feet to my bedroom and get a new CD, so I turned on the classical station. 

Have you ever noticed how chickens and Dickens rhyme?  It's pretty cool.

Yesterday I went to a square dance and....guess what.....?  I met some bloggy people and had TONS of fun!  I love dancing SO much....I can't even explain the passion that burns uncontrollably through my being, to be poetic-ish about it.  

I am getting a little tired of the people on the classical station asking for money.  OKAY!  It's back to music.  You know, it's funny how I walked back to my room to get my computer but didn't get any music.  

So I met Johnathan, AKA "Jos" in the blog world, and danced with him; I met Neil AKA Enil in the blog world and danced with him; and I met Abigail aka Abigail in the blog world, but did not dance with her, since she is a girl and all.  :)  Abigail is just as sweet as she is online, Johnathan has a REAL British accent!! and Neil is ever so Mr. Charming.  After the square dance, Lizzie, Allison, Sarah, and I went back to Lizzie and Sarah's house, made food, frolicked in the meadow, (well, just the front yard), and then ate the food and watched "Pride and Prejudice."  The new one.  I like that one best, but the entire time all my comrades could talk about was how Colin Firth is so much better and better looking.  Frankly I don't think that Colin Firth is any bit good-looking at all.  The new Mr. Darcy is better and better looking.  As usual, mine is an opinion that only the minority holds.  

Ah!  The chickens have completed their long journey in the oven.  

Keeping in the theme of the title of this post........um......I cannot philosophize about anything.  I am so incredibly boring that I cannot come up with anything else to write about.  Okay, that is NOT TRUE.  I hope.  Actually, my mind is preoccupied with visions of chickens dancing in my head, so I think I must leave you now to tend to them (they are sitting and steaming or something now...I'm just following the directions like the Doughnut Man said to do).   So long all mine faithful readers!

~Jessica 

Hungry

This always happens.  I tell myself that I just need to get things done in the day and so I stay off anything related to internet communities until later in the evening after I feel like I have gotten everything useful done and I am too brain dead to accomplish anything else except sitting and typing random stuff.  However, during the day I get ideas for blog entries.  I had this great one today.  But as I sat down to write, I forgot why I was going to do a blog entry.  

Oh, right.  Brain dead.  

Something is coming to mind now that I was going to say something about the post Lizzie made before her flower arranging post about love.  But my last post was titled......well, you can just scroll down and see.  Yeah.  So I don't know.  

The problem with everything right now is that I did not eat enough for breakfast this morning.  I usually have my heaping bowl of cheerios and granola (actually, Joe's Os, and not Cheerios.  They are so much better.  Cheerios are yucky).  But I was trying very hard to stay on schedule this morning.  I got the last of the cheerios (I am just calling them that because it is easier), which did not fill up the bowl all the way exactly how I like it.  Now, I am always getting the bottom of the box.  I don't know why it always happens to me, but it does.  And I usually walk back to my parent's room and get another box.  (Don't look at me too strangely...we are just one of those weird families; we keep food everywhere.)  However, like I said I was kind of in a time crunch, so I just accepted my amount (also still feeling a little burned from Saturday's incident where everybody ate all the strawberries and I did not get any to put on my cereal simply because I did not eat breakfast till 1:30 pm and everybody thought I would have eaten it by then.  Injustice!!!!!), put my normal portion of granola on top of that, and sat down to eat.  By lunch, I was quite hungry.  I ate one piece of leftover pizza, since that was all I was allowed  to have, even though last night I only ate three when Marck got five pieces, and Marck got another piece today.  

Then, while cleaning the bathrooms, I got the munchies several times.  The first time, I tried desperately to eat the grape tomatoes that my mother had said when she bought them that I could have as many as I liked.  But then Robert said I had to stop eating them because we were going to have kabobs tonight and mom wanted to save the tomatoes for the kabobs.  My hopes and dreams blew out the window once again.  So I ate an apple next, and then a mozzerella cheese stick.  I still was feeling empty, so I resorted to a frozen biscuit, after eating a little tiny piece of steak my mom brought home from Outback on Saturday.  

Finally it was dinner time.  The kabobs were very tasty, but I don't know why nobody thought to purchase a pineapple to use for them.  

But now I am hungry again.  I think it's just that digestion-at-night kind of hungry, actually (the kind you usually get when you drink something fizzy), but I can't tell.  In whatever case, I should stop thinking about food and just go to bed.

~Jessica  

Break out the Buckshot...

I have been looking back over the comments for the last two entries and I have realized something....I am probably sounding proud or stuck-up.  So I would like to apologize if any of you took it that way.  I don't mean to sound that way at all.  I don't want to completely blame it on the fact that I am so entirely exhausted of other people telling me what to do with my life whenever I meekly state what I am "thinking about doing" or what I "guess I believe."  But it does get annoying and right now I assume that I can attribute my recent attitudes to these sorts of situations.  Still, that is no excuse.  

Maybe I have subconsciously set my mind to being more confident and assertive.  I don't know...*hides under a box*...I don't want to sound like, "This is what I am doing so get over it, punk."  That isn't what I mean at all.  I mean, "This is what I am doing, since this is what I am doing and all" -- if you get what I mean by that.  I am not stating that I am "homeschooling college" because I am just so much better than all of you.  I am calling it that because I am of college age and I am learning in a way that is in essence homeschooling.  That is just what I am doing.  I don't expect you to like it.  You can have a problem with it.  You can tell me that you have a problem with it, and I will take a deep breath, count to ten, and tell you that it is what I am doing, and it's just as good as whatever you are doing, and then we can all hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosie.  

By now I am sure you are all well aware of my political stance (which is that I would rather live by myself in the Bermuda Triangle, really...).  I don't want to push it over on anyone, but if others are overlooking the facts and going along with whatever all the other Americans are saying, then I would like to wave my hand in front of their face and show some people what America is really like.  It helps to know; to be aware and informed.  But that didn't really help, as it never does in debates.  So oh-well about that.

I really don't like being angry.  It stresses me out.  Last night I went to a basketball game between our Hawks and NRCA.  While exciting, I cannot even begin to explain how mad I got at the refs and at all their negative-cheering fans/students/alumni.  I won't go into detail about how stupid it all was.  But somehow I had fun rooting and doing positive cheering (even though at one point a couple of NRCA girls scoffed and told us to "shut up, guys" [in heavy valley girl accents]).  In between the JV and Varsity games we went to Sarah and Lizzie's house, where we all ate salads, soup, and sandwiches and sat around talking about how frustrating everything was.  Good times.  

This is SUCH a cliche thing to say, but I really wish there could be world peace FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  Why can't we all just get along?  What about friendly competition?  Where is the love?  I grow up thinking that everyone gets along, and then I get a reality wake-up call that everyone is NOT nice, including me.  I just will pray that every day I can take a shovel and dig out a little bit of all the anger I harbor in my heart.  Maybe one day I will clear it all out.  It is just a burden that is making me into a mean, selfish little lady.  Maybe there was a reason why Ms. Denman always cast me as evil witches and things like that.....

I guess selfishness makes us human.  It's sad....maybe I don't want to be human.  Well, Paul tells the Corinthians to aim for perfection.  I will do my best.  So long!

~Jessica 

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.....(aka lazy blogging)

1. What is your occupation right now?
Bookkeeper and my mother's helper

2. What color are your socks right now?
Dark blue

3. What are you listening to right now?
"Beauty and the Mess" by Nickel Creek

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Cereal.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Successfully?  Um..............working on it.  

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Alex.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes.  Why are there always stupid questions like this?

8. How old are you today?

18.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
Football I guess, unless you want to count figure skating and gymnastics as actual sports.

10. What is your favorite drink?
Iced caramel latte from Starbucks.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?

With hydrogen peroxide once, and with henna a few times.  The latter usually just gets my hair back to the color it was before I started swimming.

12. Favorite food?
Sushi.  No, I am not just trying to sound sophisticated.

13. What is the last movie you watched?
A Beautiful Mind.

14. Favorite day of the year?
Depends on the year!

15. How do you vent anger?
Listen to very loud music or make really loud music.  Swimming helps too, but that is not always accesible.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Either stuffed animals or my cooker set.  Sometimes both at the same time when I would serve the stuffed animals as food.

17. What is your favorite season?
Summer because of swimming, but really spring because it is so...delighful...

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueberries, but why aren't strawberries an option?

19. Living arrangements?
With my family in a little ranch house on about a half acre.  It's not bad.  Sometimes I wish we had a big mansion and/or had a lot more land.  But doesn't everyone?

20. When was the last time you cried?
I don't know, probably a couple weeks ago?  Last year?

21. What is on the floor of your closet?
It has a floor????????

22. What did you do last night?
Went to Radical Wednesday

23. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
Plain with everything else except cheese.  

24. Favorite dog breed?
Wolf.

25. Favorite day of the week?
Monday, because it allows me to psychologically get a fresh start on everything!

26. How many countries have you lived in?
In reality, only the USA.  But in my head I have lived in England and Australia as well.

27. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds.

28. What is your favorite flower?
Orchids.

Thinking Rosemary Thoughts...

You know what?  It has been a terribly long time since I have sat down to write something with no point intended.  I am quite sure that while my latest bloggings may be interesting, I guess they do not contain the usual dash of wit, charm, and randomness that I used to include in whatever I wrote before I became boring.  It has something to do with growing up, I think.  In that case, I shall resist.

The truth is, like I keep saying, my head has been filled with so many deep musings of late that for some strange reason I cannot seem to think like a person anymore, but more like some old philosopher who lives in a cave up on a hill and sits there stroking his beard, puffing his pipe, and fishing for blind fish in the pond in the cave.....whatever.  So away with that image!  

Right at this moment I should be reading about 12,000 different books and then immersing myself in pleasant dreams of compost and cultivation.  I find that collecting compost and cutting hair are quite similar in that they are both very addictive.  The main reason my hair never seems to grow out all the way is that I get very scissor-happy.  I go to cut my bangs, and then I have to blend them, and then maybe I want it a little more blended, and then maybe I want to layer this here and there, and then it isn't even, so I keep cutting till it is all even and then I finally stop, only to realize what I have done, and all my hair is in little circles on the floor.  Cue depressing music.  That is why I am never going to cut my own hair again and my only pair of scissors are at Lizzie and Sarah's house.  Okay, I left them there during a sewing project and never brought them back.  Whatever.  I am sure they are being put to good use.

But about the compost thing.  My plan is to actually burn all the dead shrubs, leaves, branches, etc., in our backyard garden (along with the Christmas tree whenever we get around to taking it down), then do a compost-plow-cultivate-whatever kind of thing to it.  So today I have started collecting compost material in a big bucket, and it is very exciting to cut up vegetables and dump all the scraps in my bucket!  I have to keep a lid on the bucket or else the dogs will eat out of it, which is the same reason I can't put it in the garden yet, besides all the mess being in there which was supposed to be for fires in the fire pit before it got to cold to have them.  Too cold for a fire?  What......?  Whatever.  You know, I toss that word around, and it may sound like I am just this weird, apathetic person.  Well, I don't know if I am totally apathetic, but I don't care too much about everything.  I am a good balance.  I hope.  I just happen to express apathy often.  I guess.  Whatever.

So onto another little blurb.  Since I have reconfigured my life's plan again, and this time it makes more earthly sense and doesn't require me unrealistically reaching towards the stars...well, I added onto it.  Things like gardening.  I really like gardening...okay, I have very little experience doing it, but I have always wanted to.  Mostly all I have done is keep a little herb garden in the front yard, but that fell out once I got busy (about two and a half years ago), and so it kind of exploded.  Instead of a nice little rosemary plant we now have a ginormous rosemary bush that probably has roots to China.  It is hideous and it just gets bigger and bigger.  Today, I finally decided to put it to good use.  I did some research and this morning set to work trimming...okay, hacking...at the monster for about fifteen minutes.  Now I wish I had taken a picture of the before and after, but I'm not one of those bloggers who takes pictures of everything she does just out of habit so she can post them.  If I had a camera I might have thought about it, but probably not.  Anyways, after not making much of a dent at all, I ended with three basket-fulls of rosemary (two big baskets and one little basket (the kinds you go picking wildflowers with).  I washed some, gathered them into eight bunches of eight, tied those bunches together, tied the bunches onto some hangers, and hung them out in the storage room.  They will have to dry for a month or four weeks, whichever comes first, and then I can have my own dried rosemary!  I don't think I will use it in cooking but I may experiment with some herbal tea.  

I laid out some more of the rosemary in a long basket and I am leaving those to dry overnight.  Tomorrow I am going to make rosemary oil.  I can't remember what you can do with it, but I am going to make it anyways, just to see if I can.  :D

One final musing before I close out....yeah, I don't want to abandon music and writing.  I think that if I am diligent to my studies and projects on weekdays then I can have my weekends free for my pleasures.  Until I get a job.....*cries* I wish I could just stay a kid forever sometimes.  Like Lizzie said, there just seems to not be enough time in the day for everything I want to do.  And that fact often makes me fall into a deep depression thinking, "Oh, everything is so overwhelming...I will never get anything done!"  and then I get nothing done because I keep spending all my time thinking the horrible thought about not getting anything done.  It is important that I get done the things I must, but sometimes if I don't get to do the pleasurable activities, then I go into withdrawal.   Today I was most efficient with my piano.  I sat down for seven minutes in-between fixing dinner and waiting for everyone to come and eat dinner, I attempted some TSO song, started fiddling around with the melody line, did some chord-thing, wrote a little of that, wrote some bass line for some part of whatever it was, recorded it on my little recorder-thing so I wouldn't forget, and then went to go eat dinner.  Usually I have to bang around for thirty minutes or more before coming up with anything decent.

So that is my head for the moment.  Thanks for tuning in and I'll talk to you all later!

~Jessica

Preoccupations of the Mind

Now that the Holiday break is upon me (almost...I have an exam tonight but I had no problem with the study guide so I'm sure it will be fine), perhaps I will be able to write more. I have been a lazy blogger all semester. Here! Read a poem I wrote a year and a half ago! Watch this thing on YouTube I watched over the summer! Yes, I have occasionally appeared live and in person, but most of the blogs that posted were scheduled in August. I don't mean to be so impersonal, but I wanted you all to have something to read while I had no time to write it. Consequently I am quite out of poetry until my brain can think up some more. Video of the Week shall be taking a break until I run out of time again (probably some time mid-January, so if you think about it, it really isn't that long). The truth is I really enjoy blogging, and wish to continue doing it. It just is a big time consumer. I'm not saying it wastes my time, but it probably is not the most useful thing to be doing either.

So...since something like Friday afternoon (after my English exam was over), I have started overwhelming myself with a bunch of information. That sounds a little funny to your Average Joe, I guess, who is probably scratching his head and wondering "why is she studying MORE now that she is done with school for the semester?" and why do people scratch their heads anyways? Does having your brain respond to something make it itchy? I don't scratch my head when I am wondering something, but perhaps I am used to wondering and I have become immune to brain-itches. Nonetheless, learning is something I have been waiting to do all semester! Sure, Sociology is interesting enough for a while, but then it just gets depressing and I start to think that maybe the reason the population is declining is because everyone is taking Sociology of the Family and getting depressed and discouraged about having families. I have not changed my mind, but let me tell you that some of this stuff is painful to study. And I am not even from one of those broken homes or blended families or anything else like that! I have talked to other people in the class who are not as blessed as I am to have a mom, dad, and siblings of origin who are a traditional family with joint sharing-something-or-other and we all love each other most of the time, and it gets to them more than it does me. However, I shall prevail.

What I was saying before I got off on that was.....um......yeah. Learning. Oh, I also learned in British Literature, don't worry. It was a fun class. But all the paper writing drove me crazy, as usual. The only class I want to take over again where I had to write papers would be English 111. That was the best class ever....I could pick ANY subject to write about and could be as opinionated or satirical as I so desired. It was paradise. For me.

SO BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO, I have learned a lot since Friday, and it hasn't even been a week. First of all, some friends came to stay over Friday because their parents went out of town. One of these friends really likes to educate people on very interesting things. I could just sit there all day and he would tell me everything about anything I wanted to know about. I don't know how somebody can have so much information in their head and be able to recall it exactly and then explain it to somebody like me in a way that that somebody can actually understand it. So after two days or so I learned a lot more than I expected to, plus he had brought some Michael Rood DVDs that we watched Friday night. Michael Rood is extremely cool, I have discovered. I like cool people. :D

After all of that, I then began doing all that I have been looking forward to all semester, which is learning. I have been studying law, religion, medicine/health stuff, and midwifery. It is all quite fascinating. The only problem is that I am now putting so much into my brain that I haven't really been talking to anyone. This blog post is the most I have said in five days, and this is writing. I don't know if my mother has noticed anything, but I seem to be having trouble keeping up conversation. She asks me, "How was your day?" And I answer, "Uh...good." "What did you do?" "Uh....stuff."

Yeah, I guess I still am a teenager, but I usually am...uh....responsive. I am a girl. I talk. At least, I thought I did, but I guess I don't. I am too preoccupied. I feel like Mr. Meredith from the Anne of Green Gables books. I am too preoccupied with my theological musings that I cannot seem to do anything but look glazed over and then go back to studying, perhaps writing down some thoughts on what I am reading. Yes, I had about three epiphanies yesterday, so I wrote those in my journal, and went right back to studying. I am sure I am driving my mother crazy. Sorry mom!

On top of all that, if I do have a conversation it is very surface, even with people I normally do not have surface conversations with. Take this blog entry for instance. I can't even think of anything to say other than "I have not been able to think of anything to say." I DO NOT FEEL LIKE CARRYING ON A CONVERSATION. Let me repeat....I am a girl and conversations are all-too-natural.

Perhaps I am in Absorbing Mode. I am a sponge that may be in dire need of squeezing, but squeezing hurts, so for right now I am only dripping. Some day I will submit to being squeezed, but for right now just leave me be, and feel free to run water on me or dunk me in a pan of water...I am all for it!

Let this be a disclaimer--if I do not talk to you this week or do not talk much, please do not think I don't like you. That is not true. I [probably] like you very much.

Talk you you all later (heh heh...)

~Jessica

Who Starts These Tag Things Anyways????

This is one of those "trying to be Sarah" moments.....I can't remember what kind of flower this is, though....but it was blooming in August, whatever it was, and I think it was a vine of some sort.  Moonvine?  I don't know.  This was about 7 in the morning, but, yes, I took it.  The focus is all off.....

The rules:  Go to your picture file, go to your fifth picture, post it, and then tag five people.  Considering we all know each other, the people available to tag are getting mighty slim.  I will, as Lizzie did, tag some people who probably won't do it, but at least they will be tagged: Michelle, Chris, Mr. H......and....oh, good grief. I will re-tag Marck and Allison, even though Lizzie already did. You see, if two people tag them, then they definitely SHOULD respond, right??  Right.      

Le Papier est Fini!

If you haven't noticed, I've had a little obsession with typing/posting in French.  If it's annoying you, I am sorry.  I just really want to learn more French and I don't have time.  So I am just going with what I know.  That means that if something I want to say happens to translate into French in my brain oh-so-magically, then I will say/write it without much of a doubt (except perhaps on the correct pronunciation....)

So I am done with my last research paper for the semester and I am rejoicing, of course.  Yes, doing the Highland Fling and other dances I am famed for.  I haven't blogged a real blog in a long time.  The last time I told you how I was doing was for that "Tag" thing, and that doesn't really count because there was this thing entailed known as "structure."  I don't like structure.  It bothers me.  Organization is not bad, but structure...I won't even go into how it just messes up things.

So things are about to get drastically different.  I have re-thought my life plan for the 7,000th time since last summer.  Not this summer, just last summer.  I am going to stop having getajobaphobia and I am, instead, going to get a job.  I really want to work at either a bookstore or a pet store.  I am working on a write-up on everything about myself, putting my social security number in big print on the cover page, and giving that package to random people I see in stores.  

Next semester I am not going to go to college.  Every time I sign up for a college class I forget all the negative things like sitting in classrooms, being lectured, writing papers, taking tests, being told what to do, and things like that.  For the rest of my life I am vowing not to make that mistake again.  I DO NOT like being told what to do.  I am going to do what I want...and that is...

1)  Study music theory

2) Study creative writing more intensely

3) Read more books

4) Write more (poetry, stories, etc)

5) Compose more (like, music, you know?)

These would be done when I am not working, of course.  And I am going to use my money to either travel the world, buy myself a house (in North Carolina.......), or as my own marriage dowry or something.   Or maybe just...oh, never mind.  

In other general news, we got our piano tuned yesterday.  It's an understatement that I am quite ecstatic.  We haven't had it tuned since we got it 14 years ago...sad.  So now it sounds next to wonderful.  It's an upright, so it will never sound like a grand, but it's pretty pretty!  Also, Saturday I got to go to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert!  It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!  And that is also an understatement.  I'll be talking about it for the next decade.  :D

I really need to be getting on important things like chores since I haven't done much because I've been working on my paper.  It is a terrible paper.  I will fail the class.  < /low self esteem >  That's okay though!  I really don't care.  I enjoyed it, but what do grades matter when I'm not going to go to college and I am not going to change my mind about going to college???

I will write again soon.  I have to write lots of tiny paper summaries for my classes and study for a couple of finals (ugh...I sound so school-ish...I disgust myself), but I think I will have more time because I don't have to spend so much of it thinking about something I don't want to think about.  Isn't that liberating?  I'm considering re-naming this the Blog of Liberation again!

Anyways, talk to y'all later!

~Jessica

In Which Jessica is Tagged and Also Tags...

Lizzie tagged me!

• Link to the person who tagged you.
  
• Post the rules on your blog.
  
• Write Six Random Things about yourself.
  
• Tag a few other people at the bottom of the post.
  
• Leave comments on their blogs, letting them know they've been tagged!
  
• Let the person who tagged you know when you've written the post.
  

1.  I cannot decide whether I like winter or not.  I don't like it because the weather is cold, harsh, unforgiving, and uncomfortable.  However, I like it because when it's cold I can snuggle up and feel warm and cozy inside, read a book, drink all manner of hot things such as cider, hot chocolate, coffee, and tea...and there's Christmas!  

2.  I have a tendency to get ahead of myself in just about every area of life.  The latest has been a nice little habit of doing google searches for mountain retreats/bed and breakfasts with my honeymoon in mind....not even a particular person.  Just the honeymoon.  

3.  I have recently discovered (like, two days ago) that I play piano VERY EXTREMELY by ear...I was sitting down at the hotel in DC, with my "Alfred's Basic Keyboard Chart" (please don't ask...) (and who is Alfred anyways?) thinking that I could start musically notating a piece I am working on.  I tried to play it on the piece of paper, but I couldn't really remember what keys to press.  I was writing it down, but I have no idea if I'm right or not.  I kept thinking...if only the piece of paper made noise...and I thought I was a "doer" but I guess I'm just a "hearer."  I wonder if there's any hope left for me....

4.  I used to be very much a feminist/tomboy when I was, like, ten or something.  It was one of those embarrassing phases of my childhood, so I'm not quite sure why I'm telling you.  I just thought that boys had all the fun, and why can't girls go do things the boys did?  So I made a point to go against the pressure there was to be a girl and just do what I felt like doing.  While I've basically grown out of rebelling against anything girly, I'm still not an extremely girly person....however, I am NOT a feminist any more....

5.  I can carry cash into a clothing store and come out with it still in my wallet.  But I have to make a point of leaving all my money at home if I am going to the bookstore.  

6.  I have a large collection of countless notebooks that I've filled up over the years...and I keep  most of them in my bottom dresser drawer.  Come to think of it...that is my largest collection...

I'm going to tag Michelle and Chris.

It was the Best of Times, it was the Worst of Times...

I had a bad day sandwiched by two really good days, so I guess it got a little outweighed, don't you think? Yes, I am actually going to write about a few days in my life now, rather than just my thoughts on life. Enjoy, as this doesn't happen often. You know why? Because it takes forever to write everything down. So, since I'm supposed to be sleepy and going to bed and nice things like that, I'll try and condense it as much as possible...

WEDNESDAY: I woke up, fell out of bed, and dragged a comb across my head....okay, no. Paul McCartney did THAT. I woke up, stumbled out of bed, hit the alarm, and stumbled back into bed. I do that so often now that I don't even notice. I do it in my sleep. I don't even remember doing it. I just know I did because my alarm was set for six and I woke up at nine. Not that it bothered me. I ate my breakfast, forgot to drink coffee again, and probably...I don't remember what I did next. I think my mom took the boys to get hair cuts, and I sorted laundry or something. When they got back, we all ate lunch (about two hours after breakfast for me...but that's not as strange as last Saturday when I woke up at 11:30, ate cereal, and immediately after ate cream of broccoli soup). Then we drove to the Y's to pick Hannah and Noah up for swim/water polo. After everyone went inside, I drove to my friend's house thinking I was just picking up him for water polo, but then I ended up taking his brother and sister as well. And we kind of left about 15 minutes later than we meant to, so nobody got to swim beforehand. Water polo went well...Lizzie and I were on the same team, and Alex S. and Kara were on another... :( Someday we'll all be on the same team again.

Okay, now here's the good part (I mean, it seemed good). One of my friends wanted to go to the NC State water polo clinic/scrimmage thing that night at TAC. Nathan and Matt couldn't go because they had obligations to be all "Radical"-ish and stuff, Noah had some other Bible study/prayer meeting HIS parents were doing, and I had Sociology (*sighs out of utter and complete boredom*). I asked my parents if I could just go for the first 45 minutes of Sociology in order to get my name on the roll and have some class time, and then leave for water polo, but they said I couldn't (that made me mad). But...it was all going to be okay!! I went to class, and there was a note on the door...there was not going to be any class that night!!!!!! I was very excited. It was if I was just destined to go to the water polo thing.

So, I went, and for a while my friend and I just stood around wondering if anyone else was going to get there. I knew that it usually takes a little while for the whole gang to get over there and to start doing anything, but it was 15 minutes later than the starting time, nothing was set up and nobody was there. Finally, I mustered up the nerve (having my friend along helped) to ask some tall guy standing around wearing a red warm-up suit and carrying a red backpack if he was there for the water polo thing, and if he was confused too. He said he was there for water polo, but that he wasn't confused, only disappointed. But, to our luck, four more people actually showed up!! We didn't get to scrimmage...we only worked on shots and some offense/defense stuff, but my friend got a lot of one-on-one advice from that guy that's there who always gives you water polo tips. I think his name is Bobby or something like that. After water polo, I drove my friend home, went home myself, and may have gone to bed some time, but I don't remember. But when I woke up it was...

THURSDAY: I woke up at 7:30, one hour before I was supposed to leave to get a hair cut. I didn't want to take a shower, because I knew that I would get my hair shampooed at the salon, but because I had been swimming a lot, I had not had an official shower since Tuesday morning, so I thought it was a good idea if I just took one anyways. So I did. Then I drove to the hair salon-place, and from there on it was down hill. I asked her to re-give me layers, long bangs, and to cut my dead ends off while still retaining most of the length on my hair. Now, normally this particular hairstylist is the only person I trust with my hair, because she has curly hair too. But either she was having an off-day or my off-day just cursed me with other people behaving off-ish, but now I have not-as-long-as-I-meant bangs, I really needed one extra, shorter layer in my hair, and I don't think it's any bit longer than it was last December when I got it cut. I mean, I understand that I had a lot of very long, ugly dead ends, probably two inches of them. So if, in the course of a little under a year, my hair grew 2 1/2 inches, then she cut the 2 inches of dead ends off, I am left with only a half inch of actual growth on my hair. And if it grows another fourth of an inch by December (if I'm lucky), then all my hair would have grown this year is 3/4 of an inch!! I know that seems a little petty, but I really like long hair, and I really, REALLY regret cutting it chin-length in 2006. before then it was down to the small of my back, and I didn't even appreciate it. ANYWAYS, I was a little frustrated over that.

But now I can't remember what my darned problem was, but I was an emotional mess all the rest of that day. I won't go into the dirty, gritty details, but it seemed like everything bothered me. All I wanted to do was either yell and scream, or go play something very angry-sounding on the piano in the hardest, fastest way I could play whatever it happened to be. Although now I do recall putting on my Braveheart CD and attempting to be serene for a moment. But then I felt the inspiration to play Camille Saint-Sans' Cello Concerto (I think that's what it's called, but I don't know...) on the piano, which has a lot more notes in it than I noticed, and I had happened to put that on a CD with the Scheherazade (spelling suggestions, anyone? I think it's right, but what doth I knoweth?) on it, which I had been picking out on the piano for a while, but when I put that on and tried to play along with it, I realized I had been playing it flat, all this time! And while I normally wouldn't care, it just made me more mad. So I gave up on trying to play the piano, because after a while I just couldn't play it hard enough. Then, I knew what I wanted...I wanted to swim, and swim as hard as I could, forever! But then I thought that I should probably get the dishes and laundry done. This was in the evening, and my parents had gone out on a date, and I needed to get stuff done. But by the time I did, and got my stuff ready for swimming, I checked the clock...it was 7:53, and TAC was going to close at nine. Of course, that threw me into a fit of rage, because there wasn't anything else I could do with my pent-up energy. I was basically miserable the rest of the night. I just went to bed after a while...

FRIDAY: Um...I woke up at nine again. Maybe nine is my magic number. Anyways, I ate breakfast, took a shower, and tried to take Kara's advice on straightening my hair by blow-drying it straight first and then using the straightener, perhaps using some gel to help along the way. Note to self - never take hair care advice from Kara. She was just born with perfect hair that looks good no matter what she does with it, and if she does nothing, it looks even better. It looks the best of all when she takes a shower at night and goes to bed with wet hair, because she wakes up and it's straighter than her normal princess-like wave. I am NOT lying or exaggerating, ask anyone (the Mattrix [her brother], Lizzie, or Sarah [mutual friends], for example). And of course, like anyone, she assumes that everyone's hair is just like hers. But my hair is the kind of hair that most humans have, and it has tighter curls and more frizz. In all my 18 years I still have no idea what to do with it, probably because I've never met someone with hair just like mine (and for the first 11 years I didn't really care about my hair [and none of you will be seeing pictures of me during that period]). I can brush it only when it's wet, and then I must leave it alone. Even after the hairstylist straightened it, I can't brush it. So I think that it's not the curls that cause the frizz, it's just the texture of my hair. And that's very depressing. I always have wished I had the beautiful black, straight, silky, and shiny hair like Asian people have. I don't think it would look right on me, but I love it. Maybe I'll marry the Japanese sushi-making guy at the sushi bar that I went to and then all my daughters...

Oh, that's right. So I tried to do my hair, and in the end it looked like my hair, only the curls were a little more wavy, and it was significantly more poofy, neither of which I was really going for at all. I was doing all this, because my mom was taking me to a nearby sushi bar for a belated birthday present. I really wasn't eyeing the sushi-making guy, I just thought he was good-looking and tall, and that his sushi was very yummy. I had never had raw fish sushi before, because mom said I can only have it when it's fresh. So I tried it today, and I didn't like it very much, because raw fish tastes just like when you're at the beach, and a wave rolls over you and you get a mouthful of salt water. Yeah. Nothing exceptional in taste, and it's very slimy, but that was the fun part. :D The cooked sushi was delicious, though, and I ate way too much. Fortunately they also had some Miso soup that I could have to balance it out. But just talking about it is making me thirsty...*takes a water break*

Okay. After we got back, my dad called to give us some details about my great-aunt Mot, who was at the rehab center and apparently passed out some how, and was rushed to the hospital, where my dad and my grandma had been for the past little while. I answered the phone next to the couch, and after my mom and I talked to him, I forgot to get back up, and I fell asleep for about 40 minutes. In case you're wondering how that happened, my mom's mom took my brothers up to Creedmoor on Thursday and they are staying through Saturday, and I guess my mom was so caught up in all her cleaning she's finally getting to do that she forgot to wake me up. But I woke up myself anyways, and cleaned my chinchilla cage before a change of plans occurred. My dad needed me to go with him over to my great-aunt's apartment and get my grandma's car, and drive that and my dad's car to the hospital so that my grandma could go home when she needed to. During that trip, my dad tried to convince me to come to the Cary High School Homecoming football game with him, but I declined (nicely, of course). I didn't really want to get all caught up in all that public school mumbo-jumbo going on there, and please--if you are or were public schooled, don't take that the wrong way. I just know I would feel really really extremely out of place at something like that, and even if I knew people there, they probably wouldn't be close friends and would all just hang in their own groups anyways. It would be like going to church at Colonial Baptist, but seven thousand times worse. I really didn't want to go.

So after not going, I was home again and did some more chores before finally setting off to conquer my inner raging demons or whatever (unreleased toxins are more likely). I went to TAC and swam. I knew I needed to just swim mindlessly and think over all my issues of time wasting and what to do about making money and accomplishing goals and other problems I just swallow and forget about but that keep coming up, no matter how much I continually force them down...yeah, I think Thursday was like a "Problem Vomit" day or something. But anyways, I started out in the warm water pool, thinking I would swim mindlessly, but then I kept counting my laps, and by the time I got to 450 (yards, not laps, for all you non-swimmer people), I decided it would be a 500 yard warm-up, and then I would move onto something else. Well, when I stopped, I realized how warm I already was, so I moved to the cold-water pool (okay, it's really just called the "competition pool", but it sure is cold). I meant to swim mindlessly again, but this time I started doing a 200 IM, and while that's slightly mindless, I have to concentrate on actually surviving and things like that. I mean, it's usually pretty effortless, but I think I am still really out of shape. I haven't done any real work out for about two weeks, and then I just swim with masters, and they mostly just do freestyle. I made myself do a 100 butterfly, and it was very hard. This is just wonderful. On average in a Masters practice, I'll do maybe a 100 butterfly all total, and that's on an interval of some sort for 25s or 50s. When you're me, that's pathetic. Butterfly is supposed to be my best and most favorite stroke, and now I'm beginning to favor breast stroke, and that's just not right (again, if you're me). I've hated breast stroke ever since I started swimming on a team, which really was only about 3 years ago, but still...wasn't fun. Recently, though, I've developed the theory that I have been doing the stroke in a non-efficient way, and now that I've changed that, I don't have to put as much effort into it, but I have no idea if it's really faster because I hardly get to practice it or race Kara or anything...

I think my problem is that I really miss the Seahawks and I want to go back very extremely bad. Well, we're just going to have to do something about that...but I don't know when. :(

~Jessica

P.S. I really did mean this to be short, but how can I cover 3 days in a short entry? So if it takes you 3 days to read this, it's understandable. ;)

Cute...I like them...

Now, I've never posted a video before. If this doesn't work in the next ten minutes, I'll just post a link to it. Be prepared for a lot of banging around as I attempt to figure this all out:

Okay, you can officially forget it. I hate computers. Um...if somebody who already knows how to put youtube videos on a blog post could ever-so-nicely explain it to me, I'd be much obliged and forever in your debt. In the mean time, watch these two girls in this funny little film:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apaxo6WJm-g

Oh, and while I'm at it...here's a couple Rhett and Link videos of the two songs they played at Bible study that aren't on their albums...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCu5ojNlpi0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqmJ4pZkXlQ

And there's no need to forget my obsession with Nickel Creek...EVER!!! Here's another video, this time with their song "Young":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM5NF5UAhag

Have fun, and don't forget my video-from-the-internet posting lesson! :D

Quote, quote, quotes, unquote, are stupid, unquote...

For everyone's general knowledge, my friends and I (not all my friends, but a few so far) have started a blog for quotes. It's that simple. There's a link on the sidebar where I have all my links to all my favorite blogs...this is going to be fun!!!

Again, can't contain my excitement...*jumps around overenthusiastically, and everyone rolls their eyes...it's just natural, everyday Jessica-like behavior...*

I'll write later about my misadventures with the Valley Girl Coffee Lady...

Can I Say Something About Lurking?

My next poll should be on this: Which is worse?

1. Having a blog and never posting
2. Having a blog, never posting, but wanting people to read it anyways
3. Having a blog, never posting, but lurking around on other people's blogs
4. Having a blog, posting very occasionally, and only logging on to see if you have comments
5. Having a blog, posting very occasionally, logging on to see if you have comments, and responding to them
6. Having a blog, posting very occasionally, logging on to see if you have comments, and responding to them ONLY and OFTEN, never bothering to go check out anybody else's blog, but obviously expecting people to check out yours
7. Having a blog, and posting 3 times a day, never even giving your readers a chance to read all of them, therefore dooming your chances of being "heard"
8. Not having a blog (sad face)
9. Having a blog, and trashing other bloggers on it in an unintentionally convicting way...

Oops, that's me.

Yeah, sorry. I just was thinking about this, and I'm not pointing any fingers, because anybody who I'd be pointing fingers at wouldn't navigate away from his own blog to read this anyway. :P This is all in fun and games...I like poking at people's habits. It's fun. People are so interesting with all their quirks... :)

A Better Understanding of the Canine Population

First and foremost I wish to apologize for the very very very very very long post before this one. I sat down to do as instructed by said “Allison”-type-person, and what do I get? A call from that “Allison”-type-person Sunday evening begging her pardon, but she didn’t mean THAT much of a blog post! At least SHE read it all, unlike SOME people around here…

So, to appease all ye olde faithful come-to-see-the-headline-and-maybe-leave-a-comment-ers, here is a considerably shorter entry in my blog (to resurrect my reputation, as well, you see). EDIT: I would like to point out a little something here. Take a look at the comments from Finally! Maybe you should all remember what you said then (and at least Michelle still appreciates me) (and that's a good thing, because I might otherwise just keep her birthday present for myself).

Today’s subject: An examination of how my mind works. Or, rather, an assumption. Actually, never mind. That’s a silly subject. Nathan said it would be really scary to have my brain for a day, and when I told Allison he said that, she agreed. *sigh* Is the entire world against me or something?

Yesterday evening, when Allison called to say that it took her two days to read my blog, Marck and I were in Petsmart buying stuff for Mitch. I was getting a little down because I really wanted to adopt the ball python and the bearded dragons, when suddenly my phone rang. It was Allison, who brightened up my day for a second, till she started complaining. HOWEVER, I was not to be stumped for long…no sir! Somehow I had wandered over to the squeak toys. It’s hard to describe what happened next, but let’s just say I found my calling in life. I especially liked the big orange-yellow rubber fish with the big eyes. Allison liked him too, but didn’t really understand that it was 200 times better if you were THERE, feeling the rubber between your fingers and seeing the cute little toy as it made an absolutely amazing squeak. Squeak doesn’t even describe it. It was the absolute ultra sensory experience. I was enthralled.

Gosh, do you know how long it is to write a short entry?

You: “This is short?”

Me: “Shut up. This is MY blog.”

I promise not to intimidate you, dear readers, so I will just say one more thing, sign off, and go make myself useful.

What if a demonic spirit was released over a small town…stealing the souls of innocent people and attempting to destroy the idea of God and Christianity? What if it were so powerful that it caused the church bell tower to suddenly collapse? What if almost falls on the two main characters and their siblings who are trying to solve the incident at hand? What if there was really cool, epic, “end of the world” music played during the collapse of the bell tower, signifying just how terrible everything is? What if I was going to write that music myself, but then it turned out someone else wrote it instead, but now I can’t use it because it’s part of the “Requiem for Evita” song from “Evita”? What if I was severely disappointed? What if I was then so blinded by that bit being perfect for the collapse that I couldn’t bring myself to write something else, because nothing can ever measure up to what it should be? What if I just forgot about writing music for it and just wrote the book like originally planned? It’s got more to it, really. Came from a dream I had in December, but the thing is that it’s quite the opposite of most stories I write. I have the middle and the end figured out, but can’t figure out quite how to start it.

Anyways, it’s nice to know that I am capable of writing epic blog posts. It’s nice to know that I don’t always do that. It’s nice to know this post is almost over, so the words won’t start coming at you with illegal weapons and banned fireworks. I’m serious…my words know better than that. They’ll stay where they’re put…right…?

So long and thanks for all the fish,
--Jessica

One of "Those" Entries...

I have just been informed by a certain “Allison”-type-person that I need to update my blog. Thus, this entry...

Many of you are probably wondering how my life has been since my last entry. Well…it’s been just fine, thanks for allowing me to ask for you. The family reunion was kind of a bummer in the area of my own generation, but the two above mine were fine people, resulting in many fine relationships with older people. This generation is just not RIGHT sometimes, you know? However, we homeschoolers and ex-homeschoolers are just fine, am I right, or am I right? Ha ha…sorry for the generalization about non-homeschoolers. Y’all are pretty much okay, I guess…especially since my parents are included in that category.

Anyways, I had an itchy spot and I scratched it and I believe I feel slightly sun burnt. Allow me a moment to check. Okay…only on that small line right before my tan line, where I seemed to have missed putting sunscreen. It’s on both sides. Fancy that. At least I am consistent and symmetrical in my inconsistent unsymmetrical ways.

So the Totally Amazingly B’gorious Seahawks stole another win, leaving us completely UNDEFEATED!!! It is very amazing, considering that at the beginning of last season we were at the bottom of the last division. That’s a bit of a comeback, I’d say. So I believe we get a trophy, and get to move up at least one division, which will make me happy. The thing is that I won’t be able to swim in the fall because of time, won’t be able to compete in the fall because of graduating, and will only have one summer left (next summer…) before having to completely move on forever. However, I am making plans to continue to play water polo (I almost typed “water polka”, which is something a little similar to “water disco” which Matt and I are currently working on perfecting) on the day that Coach has that, which I hope is Wednesday (or Monday)…although I just realized that with the school schedule I have now (not much) I would be able to make it on Tuesday or Thursday. Anyhooness, I really like water polo. Have I ever said that? And I scored a goal on Matt yesterday. Yes, that’s an accomplishment. I think…better go check before bragging more…

Today was nice. I had planned to wake up at six, work out some, take a shower, get ready and go with Elizabeth B. to Wake Tech to clear up some advising stuff. Well, I don’t remember staying up too late last night, though I don’t remember what time I went to sleep, either. And what was I doing…? I seem to recall some faint vision of playing the guitar or something, but then I think that was the night before…well, I don’t know what I was up to. It’s not really important anyway. The point is that I woke up at ten after seven and Elizabeth was supposed to pick me up at eight. I looked in the mirror and…my hair was even on both sides, even though I slept in it! I was amazed. I had to straighten out my bangs a bit, wash my face, put on a little makeup and drink some coffee, and I was ready to go.

We stopped by MacDonald’s for breakfast, and don’t you all just go assuming I didn’t drink more coffee there or anything…that would be ridiculous. We when to Tech, got our advising, I bought my books, and then we went up to Target and Best Buy to look for birthday presents for Michelle. I was about to say what I got for Michelle, but then I remembered she reads my blog sometimes. Um…I also got a new purse finally, because one of the straps on my beloved light brown leather back pack broke, and for some reason the amount of things I keep in my purse has grown since last time I used either of my other purses, so I needed a new one. Thus, a very nice dark brown “leather” purse from Target. I was about to go into a purse crisis, you see. Too small, too big, too shiny and sparkly, too beach bag-ish. But this one is perfect. You know, I should start naming my purses. Hmmm…

I went to the Bradburn’s for lunch where Michelle had prepared some very yummy chicken-thing, with a side of some squash-thing (sorry to totally butcher the names of the dishes, but I can’t remember them…it was great anyways). While she was cooking that, Elizabeth and I looked at some clips on YouTube from “Across the Universe” which is a new movie using Beatles songs for the musical numbers.

I think it would be neat to take the work of some singer or band and make that into a musical. Like they did with Abba in “Mamma Mia.” So today I started thinking about, if I did that, how I would do it, and who I would use. But the thing is that a moment later I realized that I would want to use my own music to go with whatever story I needed the music for. Still, I guess it’s a cool kind of challenge to write a story around existing music, at least for me, anyways. And…that got me thinking that what if I took my own songs and wrote something around them? So I am opening my little binder where I keep most of my finished songs, and the first song, “Understand” is…too wordy and complicated. I don’t know what you think, but songs for musicals shouldn’t be that way. They should be concise and straightforward. Or maybe that’s redundant, but you know what I mean. Second song, “Here” (Rachel J.’s favorite song), is…reflective…you know? I change tenses in this song. No I don’t. There’s just a flashback-thingy. Never mind. Third song, “Residing”, is…longish, but that’s not bad. Actually might work. And actually-actually…it might work better for this thingy I was writing and thinking about turning into a musical that I started writing lyrics for…I don’t know. I like this song though. Fourth song… “Elijah”. Ah, yes…straightforward and concise, no doubt about that. Though not very musical-ish. The fifth song, “Away”, has too much imagery to be in a musical. “Hating One, Loving One, Expecting One”, the sixth song, might work. A monologue kind of thing…yeah. So that’s two so far. The seventh…it really, really, really depends on the context…and that’s a bit more of a personal song anyway. And there’s the part where she’s explaining and the part where she’s talking to the one she’s explaining about. That could be broken up into two songs…oh! To expand “Rockwell”…that would be really cool! I could devise the whole plot around “Rockwell”! Now I’m getting excited. It’s nice to have this blog-thing to brainstorm on. Okay. Three down…or three and a half. “The Freedom In-Between” seems like it could be a good musical song, and it may fit well. Very straightforward. “Time” is even more so…and would work well as well. Five and a half already! Well…now I was just thinking “Sounds of the Morning” and “Questions” were very imagery-laden and wordy songs, but looking at them…they’d make good heartfelt solos. They are kind of alike. Though I guess the only reason I think so is because I wrote them at about the same time. “A Confession” isn’t finished, but it would do for something. This is fun, but now we’re getting into my older depressing stuff. “Forever Winter”…hm…aside from being perfect for a Narnia musical (though no Miss Denmans requested to use it [gee, I wonder why…marketing usually helps]). “Your Own” may be of some good use after all…and “December”. Wow, that’s an interesting song. Not so sure about that. “Leave it at That” is a good musical-type song…if it can be incorporated. I hate “You and Me.” I know it’s Joanna’s favorite song I’ve ever written, but it’s just a musical cliché and I really hate those. But if musical clichés sell, then…whatever. I’ll have to deny myself the pride of writing something ingenious and go for the cash, I guess. So that’s all in that folder. There are a few others I’m working on which may work…well, whatever. Just some stuff to put in my thinker.

After lunch, Elizabeth dropped me off at the pool, where I finally got to spend some time with Elayna. Then…surprise! One of my friends and her mom came to the pool! Marck was a little disappointed because the two brothers in that family couldn’t come. They had come straight from shopping or something, so my friend had to swim in some clothes which dragged a whole lot, but it was all okay. We went diving down to the bottom of the diving pool, and I helped her on her dive and her butterfly. She says my butterfly is as pretty as ballet, and I’m like a graceful serpent moving through the water…*sniffle* *sniffle* *tear*…how…nice…*sniff*. She actually said “snake”, but “serpent” sounds much more romantic, don’t you think?

After Elayna left, my aunt stopped by the pool, and came over to our house afterwards. Haylea shared some brownies with me, and Charlie informed me that he was going to college in Tennessee. EVERYBODY IS GOING TO TENNESSEE. Jeffrey, Micah, and now Charlie. Wonderful. Well, it is nice there. I’d go live there, out in the country somewhere. And I remember there was this really cool science museum in Chattanooga. That’s such a weird name. Weirder than Kalamazoo. I think Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Durham, Knightdale, Zebulon, Wake Forest, and Chapel Hill are very elegant names.

The song in my head right now is “Annie Waits” by Ben Folds. I like that song, FYI.

So, it’s sad. The last thing for summer swim team is this Tuesday. Water polo playoffs, the fun meet, and the awards banquet. Then it’s done. Finished. I’m going to start crying (again)…I hope…oh, yeah. I already talked about this, didn’t I? Well, gee. Maybe I should stop thinking about the end of swim team so much. FOCUS, Jessica. There’s things to be done around here, like…like…AHHHHHHH!!! I am about to GO CRAZY!!! Do you understand what I mean? When you just get a sudden inspiration to get SOMETHING done RIGHT NOW…when you literally get all twitchy and feel like if you don’t do something, for heaven’s sake, you’ll just go absolutely insane and start running around the back yard in a panicked manner, pulling your hair out and stamping it into the ground? That last sentence was actually taken from a dialogue in a book I’m writing…but taken from real life experience originally, anyways. So there. Don’t you ever feel like that? I feel like that approximately every two weeks or so. It is kind of annoying, because it causes me to stay up late even when I need to wake up early the next morning.

I am wondering right now why I am not feeling a giant pang of jealousy, having been informed about a certain person doing something else with a certain other person which this certain person would have rather been doing with one of those said certain people but not the other certain person around. Whichever certain person is excluded except for this certain person, this certain person certainly doesn’t care and hopes those certain persons certainly don’t take this personally. Another certain person may know what this certain person is talking about…but should certainly keep his or her mouth shut, because this certain person should stop talking about this, even though she feels like keeping on. This certain person can sigh all she wants to, and wonder all she wants to, but it’s not going to solve anything, and this certain person says that perhaps the other two certain people simply were certainly not doing anything pertaining to anything which this certain person would rather…oh, never mind. UGH-ness-icity. This certain person is having an attitude and denying everything.

I am not!!!

Hm.

So to end on a more flavorful note, I was thinking about something I cannot remember. Hey, you want another clip from my book? Let me go find something really quickly. Okay, here goes. Try to see if you can guess the inspiration for the following passage:

Jacob and I followed, stopping in the den. While the walls still had dark wood paneling, the shag carpet had obviously been pulled up and replaced with nice, fluffy cream colored carpet. I glanced around, feeling a bit out of place, especially when my eyes fell upon a person who could only have been who Mrs. Madison had indicated was talking to two girls—Jack Madison.

I was instantly enthralled. There was something about his face. It was so average, but stood out somehow. Maybe it was that it was so averaged, and therefore quite perfect. What made it even more perfect was the thick, smooth chin-length light brown hair which framed the perfectly average face. As he sat talking, he moved in a very animated sort of way, and as he did, his hair moved very animatedly with him. I could only seem to think in my head for that moment when
I first laid eyes on him, “Wow, look at his hair…it goes, swish-swish…”

A moment later he looked up, very intently with his animated, yet fixated and stern-like gray eyes, and as he greeted Jacob excitedly I began to feel very shallow for allowing such meaningless thoughts as ones about the movement of a guy’s hair. “Hey, Jake, what’s been happening?”

So, that’s it for now! Sorry to keep you all in suspense about what happens between…well, never mind. You all certainly will not ever know “what’s been happening” with Jacob, now, will you?

Later!
--Jessica

Defining Success

This is a paper I wrote for English 111 in the fall semester...yeah, I am being a lazy blogger and not posting anything I've written lately...not having written anything blog-able lately. I've been working on my books and songs and lovely things like that, but I believe it's time for some good old fashioned old stuff. My views on the subject haven't really changed, though ultimately my goals and stuff have altered (no more dog training stuff, really). However, I think it's kind of worth reading (not to toot my own horn or anything)...I got 110% on it, so i reckon either my teacher liked it a lot, liked me a lot, or it was a good paper. Here we go:

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What is success? These days, many people will define it as studying hard to get good grades in school so to get into a good college, so that one may earn a “worthy” degree in order to get a high-paying job, in which one performs well, to get many promotions. Along side of that designation is usually something about meeting a special someone and possibly having kids. But must every person in America (or anywhere else) fit into that mold? I personally think not. Success cannot possibly be defined by the achievement of one common goal. Yet that is exactly what kids in school are taught every day. Parents and teachers are constantly forcing this “dream” upon grade-school children. But what about children who want to break the mold? What if they don’t know how? What if they feel as if they will disgrace their families?

There are two things in this world I think that I have always wanted to be, and those are a writer and a mother. Some other considered occupations have been: ballerina, dance teacher, Olympic gymnast, Olympic swimmer, comic strip creator, actor, director, producer, psychologist, dolphin trainer, puppy breeder, mailman, comedienne, pirate, rock star, model, “Ask Abby” columnist, backwoods expeditionist, sailor, and fitness trainer. The reader may be surprised, but many of the above mentioned jobs are new or recently revisited fancies of mine. My most current whim is dog training. The subject fascinates me so much right now, but it is sad to know, deep in my heart, that the desire to be a dog trainer may pass in time, as with everything else I have ever wanted to do. At the same time, I am attempting to discipline myself to stick to it, because it seems like now or never if I ever want to have an interesting and possibly easy way to make money.

Because I have been home schooled all of my life, the environment that I have grown up in has been different than the average student’s. But now that I am a senior in highschool, I have noticed that, ultimately, it all turns out the same. Most highschool seniors still do not really know what they want to do in life. In spite of everything they usually go ahead and jump right into college. They are unsure of where they are supposed to go in life, so college becomes another comfort zone, as grade school probably was. My mom said she jumped into college not knowing why or what she wanted to do afterwards. I have also noticed similar behavior in both my older friends who have already gone off to college, and same-age peers as they prepare to graduate with me.

The idea has been tempting to me, too. I’ve gone around in millions of circles in the past eight or nine months, pondering over what I truly would like to do for the rest of my life. Every time I settle on something I say to myself, “Okay, this is the one this time! This is my calling.” Of course, I usually change my belief about what my “calling” is every month, give or take a couple of weeks. Naturally, it would be nice for me to simply choose one thing to study for four years, and sit back and “relax” while I learn it all, feeling secure in the knowledge that, once I graduate, I will have a degree that will supposedly make me tons of money in the corporate world. But, by the time I graduate, will I even want to have a job even close to what I majored in? Knowing myself, probably not.

What bothers me even more when I talk to people—friends, extended family, random people on the street—is that they cannot seem to comprehend, visualize or in any other way understand the idea that I may not be going to college. I have several home schooled friends with whom I have discussed life after high school. I have mentioned my indecisiveness about college to a few, and I almost always get the same reaction: “Well, have you applied anywhere yet?” (“No.”) “Well, you’d better soon, because you’re a senior, right?” (“Yeah.”) “You have your SAT scores back by now, I guess?” (“I haven’t taken the SAT.”) “What? Well, you’d better take it soon!” (“I don’t want to.”) “But you have to take it in order to get into college.” (“No I don’t.”) “Uh, yeah you do!”

The truth is, I don’t want to go to college. Period. I have officially made my decision. I do not even know why, when people ask me what my post-high school plans are, I say things like, “Well, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go to college.” After all, by now I know for sure that I do not want to go to college. So what do I even bring the subject up for? I could skip all that useless conversation (mostly consisting of my mulling over miserably while the other person tries to convince me that college is the best and only way to be considered a successful home school high school graduate) and simply answer that person’s original question as assertively as possible: “I am planning on applying to work at a pet store once I turn eighteen, while interning or assisting at a dog training and rehab center for a year and a half, and then I plan to go up to Indiana for a year to intern at Wolf Park and study canine behavior, before coming back and becoming a full time dog trainer, either working for an established business, taking over one or starting my own.” That confident answer is something which should be entirely acceptable, yet somehow I guess I fear that if I mention this plan, the people I talk to will think it’s silly because it’s not their definition of success. I start believing that they might think that my plan is most definitely going to fail, and they might even have the nerve to tell me so and to deter my plans towards something they feel I should do.

Why should I care?

I am apparently too ashamed to voice my plan for my own success simply because others may balk and not take me seriously. On that note, am I secure enough in what I want to do not to crumble under the criticism. Well, where will they be in four years? They may be lost and confused, just as I am sure I would be after college. All that intense learning…and now what? For my life, for what I want to do, what good is college to me?

I am not completely opposed to college. For many careers, such as doctors, lawyers, and teachers, it is necessary. And, of course, here I am taking an English class and a Psychology class this semester. The truth is, I would like to continue taking college courses for my own educational benefit. There is nothing wrong with that, and if I really did change my mind and want to go to college, then the credits would transfer easily (and I may not have to take the SAT). I am also not saying that my friends are wrong in going to college not knowing what they want to do. I am just stating that that is not what I want to do personally, and I am stating that it is not the only way to succeed in life, as my friends and many other people suppose.

If I decide to go to college, I may indeed graduate with high grades and a good degree, get a good job and make lots of money thusly. That is all fine and dandy, except that it is not what I want to do. Me, I want to jump right into doing a job that I love, learning useful things I also enjoy (not things I am forced or obligated to learn) and taking pleasure in my life as soon as I can. I am not a classroom person, and that is either because I have been home schooled or in spite of being home schooled. Either way, I learn better by emersion in a hands-on environment. Then again, not all home schooled kids are like this. Some are educated in a format just like a class room, but at home (what’s the point?). My parents realized that they could not get away with doing that for me.

If I am successful in the way that the culture defines being successful, does that make me the ideal homeschool graduate? I guess so, because people who do just that are idolized by millions of home schooled kids and home schooling parents across the country, and frankly I think it’s annoying. I have two homes schooled friends who were going to be in their senior year along with me this year, but both agreed to let their parents hold them back a year so that they could get more high school credits and raise their GPAs, all for the sake of college and success. Are grades everything? Performance and physical results have got to count for something.
I guess the only way I am going to get the different definitions of success across to the misunderstanding people in my life is to go out and do it. Go and write my own true success story, showing the narrow minded people that it can be done. I can talk about how wonderful a dog trainer I am going to be without double-majoring in animal science and comparative psychology, but no one will see that there are other ways until those other ways are executed in the plain sight of my large group of doubters.

Once people see that today’s definition of success may not necessarily be the right one for everyone, maybe people will, if they feel like they should, begin to branch off and start being them selves, doing their own things, taking many different paths. It’s not all college and good jobs. Sometimes, success should be what a person loves and passionately wishes to do with his or her life. That is my ideal, and my definition of a successful person.

Success is what you make it.

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~Jessica

Baggy Sweatpants...

Sorry the last post ended so abruptly and without any real meaning, guys. It had almost everything to do with my absent minded self. You see, I was in the library at Wake Tech. We had gotten out of class fifteen minutes early and had fifteen more minutes after that till it was time for the test prep study session thing. So, I thought, this would be a good time to write a blog. But when I got on blogger, I really wanted to read what all my friends had written before I started a blog. So I went down my blog roll and did my reading and commenting and the like, and that took about twenty minutes. It was ten till eleven and I then sat around for about three minutes wondering what to do with all that extra time. 10:53, and I remembered I wanted to write a blog. DARN IT. So I only had seven minutes before I had to dash out the door back to the classroom, only to find out they had started without me. Um...it's all Chris's (Chris'?) fault. He kept insisting on reading over my shoulder. You know I can't concentrate on anything when people are reading over my shoulder!

So I don't know what to write about again. I don't know what happened. I mean, I like blogging. It used to be I'd have all these amazing ideas for things to blog about. But now I can't think of anything useful or insightful or interesting to say. My mind has drawn a blank, and I'm thinking about going to rehab to re-become an un-boring person. A long and treacherous journey I assure you. So sad for me.

I think there was talk a couple years ago of some friend of a friend going to some special rehab on a pirate ship for a most unfortunate sock obsession, though I cannot recall where that came from. It seems these days every celebrity wants to hang out at the local rehab resort. It must be nice there. Once I watched 28 Days (Sandra Bullock, Viggo Mortensen), and that was interesting enough. Almost inspired me to go to rehab. I always am affected by movies that way. It's kind of sad, actually. That is, me being affected by movies about going to rehab in a way that makes me want to go to rehab. If you're like me, don't watch that movie. Just go be in one, and it will satisfy you enough.

I meant to wake up at five thirty this morning, because I had a music exam at seven, but I really didn't have to be here or there or wherever I am or was till eight, because there were some makeup oral presentations by the slackers who didn't show up on the days they signed up to present...I am not a slacker. This is nice information. But you see, last night I was listening to the 25 pieces I had to kind of know by heart and associate with the titles and composers, and didn't get all that done by the time I meant to go to sleep. So I turned the music down really low and determined I would just absorb it in my sleep. Of course, when I have my clock/CD player on "CD" setting, the alarm will go off with the first track of the CD. But the music was turned down so low, that I didn't hear it till 6:15 and the thirty-eighth track, a particularly loud part of the Afro-American Symphony. So if I look like I just rolled out of bed, ate breakfast and came to class, that's pretty darn accurate. Fortunately my hair didn't get too messed up while I was sleeping (for a change). But I think I smell funny. Like day-old-dry-yucky chlorine. Blah.

In other news, Comedy Cafe is this weekend. 12621 Strickland Road in Raleigh, 4:00 matinee Saturday and Saturday evening, 7:30. It should be fun, it always is. :) Um...lesse...I will be taking a shower before going to the audition. What a nice first impression it would make if I didn't. There's something wrong with the skin under my eye. It's red and itchy, except after I swim and for a while after that. I think the chlorine dries it out.

Water polo was fantastic yesterday. I think it was the best game we've ever played. The teams were perfect, and I think it was close to a very high-score tie of some sort. I don't know, I don't keep track of that score stuff. I don't know how Coach does either, considering he sometimes has a problem forgetting and leaving his own family members at various locations...when I'm riding with him, I have to keep either him or his van in sight at all times to make sure I'm not left behind. Hey, we could write another series of books about being left behind by our swim Coach! They would be best sellers for sure.

Well, other than that, I don't seem to have anything extra amazing to talk about. Nothing controversial, nothing amusing. That's alright, though. I'll just leave you all with these concluding thoughts:

Gee, I'm drawing a blank. Okay, seriously. I've been thinking a lot about...*insert interesting blurb here.* Obviously I haven't been thinking at all. My head is full of air. Or things about madrigals and fugues and the like. Well, I have been thinking of ways to make money, because my computer has blown up, and I would really like to have a laptop. Also, if I'm going to have a job one of these days, and be going to school and stuff, a car would be very nice. But I'll be swimming this summer, and so I will only have the weekends off. Then there's Comedy Cafe. I'm just convinced that no one will hire me because I only have a couple of days I can work every week, and then select hours on those days. So, I've determined to get babysitting jobs, work for my dad, and maybe teach a creative writing course in early August or something.

Just brainstorming. I'm sure you're bored to death now. So I shall leave and proceed to go rock out in my car. I have a strange and very guilty obsession with that new song, "Low." Don't tell anybody, and try not to think about it yourself.

Goodbye!
~Jessica

Finally!

It has always been my greatest aspiration in life to actually write something short. I have told myself that I can't really do that, however, because every time I start out writing a blog, thinking it will be short, it comes out much longer than intended. But this is it, folks. The one you've all been waiting for.

Adieu!
~Jessica