Sunday, September 20, 2009

Seaside Thoughts


It's out last full day at the beach. I am sunburned, sand burned, wind other words, red all over. Putting on sunscreen is not a hobby of mine, but apparently it will be at the beach in the future. My neck is stiff from fighting the rough waves. I am quite full and fat-feeling. My hair is a tousled, matted mess. I'm losing sleep staying up reading good books. I'm scraped up from landing on the slanted shore full of shells. Almost as many shells as the time after hurricane Isabella...the time I was in Mrs. H--'s writing class and people asked what had happened to my scabbed chin.

In some ways, I miss that class, and regret dropping out. But at the same time, I remember the seeming misery it was. Too much structure. When things got creative...even then it wasn't good enough. I was Anne and she was Rachel Lynde, or worse. No imagination.

Despite all the beach-ish pain, I feel perfectly content. This is the way it's meant to be. This is the beach.

We can't quite figure out what is going on in one of the units. There are yellow smiley-face balloons tied everywhere on the deck of this group of units, with signs pointing to "Rehab Party" in the unit decorated with several smiley face balloons and blinking orange Christmas lights. Rehab party?? We are a little concerned as to what that is supposed to mean. So far, the people seem pretty sane. They haven't even been loud or obnoxious, so it must be safe. Still...

Mom found this incredibly amazing website: ...books!! Charlotte Mason curriculum book suggestions for K-12. Everything I've worried about, I shan't any longer. I know what books to look for now for my own kids, to have in my own library for their freestyle educational benefit. I am so excited, I've nearly abandoned my beach reading in pursuit of making a carry-with-me-all-the-time shopping list. I'll arrange it by subject, then author, once I am done.

I've been thinking about life, money, dreams, etc. I guess I do that a lot. But, really, I haven't given that much thought to what I am going to do come January. But all of a sudden I've started to worry. Again. Here I go with the worry again. Not excessive. Not overwhelming. Just making me want to make plans again. Thinking about things like interior design and personal training.

But why do I need to do this? What about writing? Isn't that what this November's trip is all about, isn't it?

God has a dream for me. What is it? In some ways, I know what it is. Perhaps the best option is to trust him in the uncertainty of having a book or books published. Haven't I said a million times that God wants me to go with my original passion - writing? Yes. That, and to stop trying to find easier ways, more certain ways, to "do something with my life." If he wants me to write for a living, he will bless me when I pursue this. And if it's not, or writing and motherhood are not the only paths he wishes me to pursue, he will show me. I won't be sitting here guessing. Yet, I still get emotional...

Low tide. My tears blur at the horizon. A giant wave is coming. Closer, closer, closer...I blink. It's gone. I taste droplets from the ocean as they slide down my cheek. a way, the ocean and I are one. Waves are moody. Some days slow and calm; others, fast, churning, towering. Beyond the horizon is a world to explore - a world I shall surely never see. The clouds, like always, stand tall like the distant castles of Great Britain. But I keep crashing in and sucking out, never venturing past what I know; beyond myself and my own territory.

The ocean and I are cowards in life. And, in being cowards, we destroy what is beautiful among us. Yet people are still drawn to us - still love us. Somehow it doesn't matter what we do to them: they stand by our side and will attest their love for us every breathing day. And, in the end, we love them for it and want to give them what they gave us back, though maybe in a different form.

The ocean and I know our depths. Know what we can and can't do. But sometimes we just do our own thing, when we should be doing things that benefit others.

The ocean and I are conflicted, confused. God gives us a path in life to follow. Yet, sometimes, we stray against his will. In the end, though, he works it out for good. And we strive harder to hear. But we oftentimes we can't, because we are rarely still.

The ocean and I are kin. No wonder I love it so much. We always love what we see ourselves in, in one way, or another. Even if it's our unabashed, selfish, awful selves...somehow we become endeared to whatever it is. We can't help narcissism. I think, in small amounts, it is a God thing. Adam was meant to be attracted to another human, and not a monkey.


I wrote that earlier today on the beach in my journal. Why is it so hard to admit to flaws? Is it because our pride causes us to look down on other people with those flaws? That is the other side of the equation - we see a flaw we have in another person. But sometimes it takes on a slightly different form, and we detest that flaw. But, really, are we only hating someone else to avoid hating ourselves?

I'll just go ahead and admit this now, because I feel the need to: I'm a selfish, vain, idiotic person, among other things. I have a million character flaws I can't even count on all my fingers and toes. I'm not going to lie. I am not perfect. I'm sure you already knew that, because nobody is perfect. And I'm not being down on myself. Just honest. The bright side - I'm striving every day to be better. To listen to God's voice. To be a servant in my home. To be a blessing with whomever I come in contact with.

Almost all the time I am insanely jealous of people who do this naturally. Who don't have to think consciously about being good - it just comes to them. Why is that? How can I acquire that nature? Will I ever acquire it, or will I always have to think about being good? Will it never come naturally?

There's only one way to find out.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tuesday. This is Tuesday. Not Thursday.

A new semester begins, and, as I've always said, as long as there is God and coffee, life is good!

Well, I've always wanted to say that, anyway.

Now, here is the part where I hit the fast-forward button so you all don't have to read through any incessant whinings and grumblings about not getting any respect about not going to college: pffffffftttttttttyyyyyyyyyyssssssssllllllllllllllllllllltheyjustdon'tunderstandjjjjjjjjjjjrrrrrrrllllllllccccccciIamreallydoingthingsdfdjjjjjjjjjjjjjttttttttdddddddddddslslsllslslsllllllliiiuuuuuuandtheycanjustgetoveritkjkjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmaybeIshouldjustgetoverthemtttttttllllllwwwwwwhhhhchangemymentalityvvvvvmmmmmqqqqoooooppppptttttttttbetterpersonjjjjjjjttttttlllllllllnkkkkkknotdoinganythingdifferentkklllleeeooootppppppccvccccdddddddddddohgoodgrief.

Now, with that behind me, I would like to say I am going to start blogging more. For real this time. For real real this time. For REAL real reall this time!!!

Look, I'll start right this moment (Jessica, you are already blogging) (shh, be quiet, I'm blogging!!):

This bright, sunny, beautiful morning, I rose out of bed with a shout of glee, for life is beautiful, just like the sunshine. However, when I really woke up, it was dark still. The Beatles CD that has been sitting in my CD player/clock alarm for the past two weeks woke me up AGAIN, reminding me I had stayed up too late AGAIN. I fell back asleep for 20 minutes, woke up on my own accord and remembered that I wanted to be awake. To read and drink coffee.

Thrown out of bed by this delicious prospect (which never ceases to be the best thing EVER to do upon first waking up), I dashed to the coffee maker, ground my favorite dark French roast from Trader Joe's, turned the pot on, and went back into my room for Kiss and my fuzzy blanket. The coffee brewed, I poured myself a cup, and snuggled up with my doggie to read. I am trying to read this book slower than I really want to, because I don't want to start a new book until Thursday when we leave for the beach. Soooooo I have to stop being obsessed with what happens next. Wow, the first time in my life I want to be slow at reading. Weirdness.

I worked out some, ate breakfast, and made up my mind to blog. Which is what I am doing now.

Somehow I had gotten into my head that all of my blog entries must contain deep philosophy, theology, or something else of that nature, so I guess that, along with not having a ton of time...

If my mother gets hit by a car going 55 mph because she is standing in the middle of the road talking to somebody who was driving by, then I am going to be very angry at her for doing something she would have told me not to. Humph.

....caused me to not write much at all. And still, this entry does not seem complete without philosophy. So! I will make a little list of philosophical musings (aka plaguing questions and chin-stroking thoughts) on my mind recently, and maybe I'll pick one to elaborate on in a later entry:

1. Why do people think they have the right to give anybody and everybody advice? Especially if they barely know that person...and they don't know they whole story? I meet new people all the time who ask me what I am doing with my life. I begin to tell them, and then the immediately solicit advice that I never asked for and don't want to hear. I don't care if I'm having a bad attitude.....okay, fine.

Better attitude thoughts:

2. God opens doors only at the moments when they are supposed to be opened. Not a moment before. There's no need for them just to stand open. But if I come to a door and it's closed, I just need to keep moving down the corridor of life till I come to another open one, right?

3. God puts us through pain to draw us closer to him and make us more fit for heaven. Bad things happen so he can mold us for the betterment of ourselves for this world and the next. It's all in his plans. God can stop Satan, but sometimes he sees that if he lets Satan have his way, God can use it for much better good than if God never let it happen.

4. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He doesn't do this for no reason, and he doesn't do it cruelly. He doesn't give us a glimpse or a teaser at something wonderful and then snatch it out from under our noses. That is what I thought this verse meant for a long, long time. But that isn't what it means at all. There is a time for everything. There was a time, almost 4 years, in fact, where God let me swim. I swam three days a week, and I swam meets. I won races. I had a wonderful time, found a hobby I love, stayed in shape, made some of the greatest friends in the universe, developed a good competitive spirit, discovered an interest in health and fitness, figured out my siblings and I have a magical genetic bent towards swimming (thus getting my entire family involved on the team), among other things. Most importantly, the whole experience made me grow closer to God. Had I never joined swim team, I might be in an awful place now, because even at 15 I was heading down a rotten banana peel path full of rebellion and hatred.

But, like I said, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I'm officially aged out of competition now. I'm too busy to attend more than one practice a week. I won't get to see my friends as often. I'll get slow. I will pray I don't get fat (even though I continue to work out at home, I need that swimming cardio). But now is not the time in my life to swim several days a week and compete. That time has passed. And, while it makes me sad, God has other plans for me now, and that is comforting.

Do not worry, dear readers (if you're still out there after a very long break). I will soon get back into my this-is-what-happened-today-and-this-is-what-I've-been-thinking-lately blogging mode. It will take practice and perseverence, but it shall come about. After all, if I can't do it now, you'll never hear how Oregon goes.

So long (hopefully not very long)!

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