So it Begins...

A year and two weeks ago I graduated from high school.  It is strange, looking back, how much has changed in only a year!  Actually, it's more scary than strange.  It doesn't feel like much has changed; I feel the same.  But if I think about...um...everything...lots of things are different.  For instance...this time last year, I had no knowledge about how amazing Sweeny Todd is!  Or the awesomeness of Evita!  Even those two musicals have turned out to somehow affect me more than music normally does, that is only the surface of what has happened in the past year.

Directly after graduating, I was the same old me, I guess.  But the thing was, after I graduated, it was a little hard to get my thoughts together.  I had this feeling like I couldn't quite grip the floor to walk on it, and that cold air was being blown in one ear, through every nook and cranny of my brain, and out the other ear.  I don't know if this is the experience of everybody, or only people like me who, at that time, have no idea what their life's direction is.  Or if one even existed for me at all.  

I learned a lot.  Have I mentioned that?  I learned about freedom, serving, God, love, relationships, friendships, music, family....so many, many, many, many things.  

By the time I turned 18 in August, I had my head on straight enough to not freak out.  If I had turned 18 when I was 14, this would not have been the case, but there is a reason why I was not 18 when I was 14.  Still, a few days after turning 18 and starting my classes at Wake Tech, the temptations started pouring in out of nowhere like a giant vat of hot water in the sky got knocked over by someone.  Let's go clubbing.  Let's go to a bar.  Let's smoke.  I was almost lured in by the attractiveness of the "in crowd", the "cool people" who were "experienced."  (Yes, those were a lot of quotation marks.)  I don't know how I could have even for a moment considered wasting my time, energy, money, and brain power for an experience.  An experience that would cause me to compromise myself an hundred times in the duration of five minutes.  I thought about doing it without my parent's permission at first.  After all, I was 18!  I could do what I wanted to.  But...after a little thought, I didn't want to rebel.  It did nothing but give me a sick feeling all over.  I told my parents, and to my surprise they said I could do what I wanted to, though reminded me that they didn't think it was the best idea.  It didn't take much more thought to decline my invitations of "cool" status, and get on with my life.

In January I decided not to take classes in the spring semester.  I was tired of classes, especially since I was taking them without much of a clue as to where I was going in life (STILL).  Somewhere along the way, though, I sat down with my parents and discussed it all.  What did I want to do?  Well, I really like writing.  I'd really like to write a book; preferably more than one.  They agreed that, if I took my writing seriously, with my goals in mind, I could do that.  And another thing - I wanted to be a mom, right?  Right.  Then, there was one thing I needed to learn: how to be one.  I needed to learn more than just the basics of cooking, cleaning, and teaching.  Thus, I became, essentially, my mother's apprentice.  This has since developed into a split thing with my dad, since not only am I doing a little on-the-side bookkeeping for him, I am now working part time.  At this moment I feel bad because I am not getting as much done for my mom as I originally intended to, but I am working on better time management.  If anybody has any book or website suggestions on time management and all-around organization skills, I would be much obliged if you would mention them.       

I have learned a ton about God this year.  The main thing is that he is NOT just a shoulder to cry on or somebody I must resign myself to sharing my deepest thoughts with simply because I don't feel like I can tell anybody on earth.  I have learned more and more to appreciate what he has done for us.  How amazing his plan is.  He raised up the Israelites so that eventually they would help him save everyone.  I realized I can't give God anything he doesn't already have, even if the thought counts, because he gave me that thought.  I finally learned that works are for sanctification, but only belief can justify you.  And if you obey God, it's not for you; it is for his pleasure.  I don't know how I could have been so selfish to be constantly asking what the reason I have to obey God is, if I already believe in him and will be going to heaven.  I mean, I still wanted to do those things, but there was always the question of why.  And the only answer I could come up with was the half-baked "well, works must count for something; I'll probably get some trophies in heaven."  NO!!!!!  How could I have been so selfish?!??!?!  Works are for the good of mankind, and - primarily - to make God happy!  He has given me everything, and I don't even take the time out of my day to think that I might like to do something to make him happy.  I can't believe how ignorantly human I have been.  And another thing John Stonestreet (second favorite person now besides Jeff Meyers) said: "Look at it this way - the world was so bad, so terrible......that God died."  

Love and relationships!  Whoo-hoo.  Every year I grow a little wiser, I suppose, so that by some time soon I might actually be wise enough to get married.  This year, I learned a few very significant things.  One is that lust is bad.  Yes, I knew that, but I knew not what lust really was.  I thought it was something guys did.  Then I thought it may somehow include lusting about romantic happenings.  But now I realize it encompasses so much more.  A guy's cute face...staring at it...thinking about how cute he is...that is lust.  Dreaming about how a guy can satisfy you emotionally...that is lust.  I'm not trying to be legalistic here; the biggest thing about lust is it is an idol, and takes away from our passion for God.  We are concentrating on other things; things which distract from his glory.  And, really, it's not only lustful and idolatrous, but also covetous.  I will touch on this and others in later entries, most likely, so I will briefly mention other things I have learned in this category: close, one-on-one friendships with the opposite sex are not a good idea.  I'm not saying it's bad to be friends with the opposite sex; even good friends.  But when you get closer than that...let's just say for now that it is not a good setup for things in the future.  I definitely will touch on that in another entry.  Before moving on, I want to mention one more thing I've learned: Eventually, the amazing and very popular-with-the-giggly-girls-who-bat-their-eyes-and-twirl-their-hair guys with swishy hair DO notice the quiet, bookish, introverted, non-flirtatious girls after all, even if only for a moment.  :)

This year I have finally realized who my true friends are.  They are wonderful true friends; the best in the world.  For the first time in my life I have girl friends whom I can pour out my heart to, share everything with, and know they will understand and do the same.  I respect and love these girls with all of my heart.  I have guy friends, too, and while they are the best guy friends I could ever ask for, pouring my heart out to THEM is another matter addressed in the paragraph above; as in, I don't.  Nonetheless, I still love them like brothers.  Together we are one big happy family and I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.  

Music may seem a little less profound than the other subjects, but it is a major change.  In late May I wrote my first real song on the piano, after having written songs only on guitar for the past 3 years or so.  I really like the song I wrote, and after I wrote it, I decided that perhaps my family would like me to play more on the piano besides that one song, even though it was the only one I really knew besides little bits of Mozart and chopsticks here and there.  So I played a little "Moon River" here and some "Fancier Chopsticks" there (the latter was me making an attempt at sheet music reading, which didn't go off to well).  Finally, in mid-June I went to a play that my friends were in, and where another friend of ours played piano during intermission.  That piano playing made me think it would be interesting to write a instrumental piece on the piano.  5 days later, that little 3-minute piece was completed, and I liked it well enough.  After this, I started to write more.  Since then I have only completed one other instrumental piece, but I have many other very long musical ideas ready for completion whenever the inspiration strikes me.  I have written a few more songs on the piano, and a couple more on guitar.  I also got a tin whistle in August for my birthday, and have been picking that up as well.  I got a violin for Christmas, but at this moment posses absolutely no talent for the instrument, so I am on the lookout for instructional materials.  

Family...!!  I already loved my family, but now I love them even more.  That is really all I need to say.  

Things haven't been all sunshine and rainbows all the time.  Fortunately, I seem to be able to look back and remember most easily the things that were good.  I remember some of the bad things, too, but only things that were really, significantly unfortunate.  I didn't remember how mad I was at some people at some point, until I looked back at my journal during that time.  And I can see that I was mad just because I was being immature.  Yes, they were also being immature, but I was just as bad, probably worse.  But all in all, I remember the good things, and only the good outcome from the not-so-good things.  I believe I am a better person than I was a year ago.  Yeah, it sounds all serious.  I promise to write more [less serious stuff] this summer.  This fall is.....going to be extremely hectic if I don't get things under control before they begin.  But I know that if I trust God to lead and guide me day-by-day, everything will all fall into place.  

Thus begins another year of growing, changing, and shaping for me.  I don't know what doors are going to open, which ones are going to close, and which ones are going to stay open and stay closed.  God has been with me more and more as this past year has progressed.  I know that this next year will continue that trend, even through the challenges.  And I say: bring it on!

Of Weddings (and wanting to have one myself)

Yesterday a friend of mine was married. To a really great guy. Her entire courtship, engagement, and wedding seemed to kind of “hit home” to me more than I thought they would. She is only a few years older than me. I have known her ever since we were little. The guy came from a good family who was friends with her family long before the courtship. My friend had placed her love story in God’s hands, knowing that if she was to be married, the right man would come along and ask her. And he did. All of this made me realize that perhaps marriage isn’t just a dream of mine that will never come true because it is just too wonderful. My friend’s wedding seemed so real for me. Weddings are no longer what “older people have.” It is hard to describe this feeling, but I am sure that at least Lizzie knows how I feel. ;)

The first eleven or so years of my life, I just accepted that one day I would get married to a man. Not a boy, a man. Surely much like my dad (I still hold that ideal, thank you very much). When I turned 12...yeah, you’ve heard that story before. What can I say? I’m only 18 ½, so I only have that many years to draw stories from. But anyway, I started “liking” boys, and thought that the first boy I liked and I would start dating once I told him that I liked him, and then when I graduated from high school we would get married. He was four or five years older than me, and I was a foolish little girl, but that is alright now. A little bit later, around 13 and 14, I was so boy crazy that I didn’t care to see the end of anything. I wanted them to love me, possibly date them, and hope for the best. I didn’t listen to my parents, who were attempting to teach me the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”-ish approach. At least they had the power to say that I could not go on dates, and at least they kept me in their eyesight most of the time. So, yes. That story again. All of it to say that ever since I turned 17, I reverted back to “someday I am going to be married to a man.” Of course, I have had a few ideas of men or almost-men for God to destine for me. And every time I suggest someone he says, “Oh, yes, yes, that is nice,” nods absentmindedly, and gets on with HIS ideas. Like a writer who doesn’t want to take suggestions from his non-writer friends who don’t know how to write stories (I am not pointing any fingers, really!).

But along with the “someday” feelings, I have also felt an urgency to get married now. Have children now. I know, it is my biological clock, but it is a sometimes intolerable longing. It was worry...what if I never get married? What if I need to help God along and go hang out with some nice guys so I can have plenty of future husband options (I can’t decide if that is the stupidest idea I have ever had or not)? Everything was worry, anxiousness, not trusting God at all. I thought I was, but I wasn’t.

However, one night after a Radical Wednesday prayer meeting, some of us went out for subs afterwards, as the curse of being teenagers, athletes, and swimmers on top of that, is a triple-high metabolism than your average Joe (in other words, we are ALWAYS hungry, it seems). Kara and I, after food and drink, were much rejuvenated, so towards the time when we were about to leave, we started carrying on a conversation about life, as we often do. I won’t give you all the details of the conversation, but what I walked away with was her advice, straight from the Bible – “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” She added, “Sometimes, though, by delighting yourself in the Lord, your desires will change. But that is good, because your desires become HIS desires. And if you desire what the Lord wants for you, he WILL give you the desires of your heart!” Light bulb moment.

Since then, day-by-day I have delighted myself more and more in the Lord. He has shown me how to be content with what I am doing, instead of longing for something in the future. There is so much to do NOW, how could I not see it before?

God has not taken away my desire to get married. But he has carefully led me to a place where I know that marriage, for me, is for another time in my life. Soon, but not right now. Not till it is staring me right in the face, in fact. God showed me how to take the desire, put it aside, and focus on what IS in front of me. Working for my dad, helping my mom, writing, music, learning, being with friends, swimming, thinking, EVERYTHING I have at my fingertips right now. Marriage will be at my fingertips when the time comes. And I will know when the time comes, because, like all the things in my life now, I won’t have to seek it out. God will show me. It’s not like I am being lazy, saying “I am just going to sit here and be a religious couch potato till God’s will is right here in front of me.” But I understand that God’s will is something he reveals to me as I keep getting to know him more and more. I will seek his face, and everything else will follow. He wants me to trust him fully, not trust myself and my finding-out-what-life-is-for-on-my-own skills (which, I have discovered, are severely lacking). Every time I try to do something myself, I fail. I mean, it’s not like God cleans my room for me now or something. I do stuff here on earth. But I do it because I am supposed to; because God has made his will clear to me. I’m no prophet, though, of course. I don’t always get it right, and I mess up time and time again. It is so hard to describe this sensation. When I fall back on God, everything is clear and I know instinctively what to do.

It just IS. Does that make any sense?

Proverbs 3:5, 6 – “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

~Jessica

On Optimism, Part One

I have wondered, this past week or so, why I always seem to automatically look at the bright side of things.  It wasn't as if a year or two or however long ago I said to myself, "In order to be happier and improve my outlook on life, from now on I will always look at the bright side of any given situation."  It just happens; I just do.  And I have begun to think that the reason is some combination of events in my life thus far.  Vague, huh?  Let me try and explain...

When I was very young I would often go to my Grammy and Papa's (and then, Aunt Sue-Sue's) house.  Okay, I still do that, but for some reason it seems like I did it more a long time ago.  Anyways....whatever the occasion, other relatives would often stop by.  They would talk, and I would listen (I wouldn't look like I was listening, but I was, indeed).  I picked up on a lot of stuff, but one thing remains most prominent.  It was some celebration in the summer, 4th of July or thereabouts, and I was probably five or six.  Some guy-cousin or uncle, I can't remember, was explaining some long story to my Grammy as I had come inside the kitchen to cool off for a bit.  I can't remember what the story was, exactly, but I remember it being interesting.  After he finished telling the story, what my Grammy said next, while I filled up a glass of water at the refrigerator, was what has stuck for the past 13 or 14 years: "Wow...isn't it amazing how God always has a plan to eventually work out even the bad stuff for good?"  I meditated on this as I trumped back outside.  What if God really did?  I might have to wait a long time to find out!

It was a year or two later that I found out that this was a Bible verse (Thanks to Hide Him in Your Heart!), and like I said, it stuck with me.  I began noticing little child-like/childish things after a while.  Nothing huge, of course.  But I was always of the opinion that it was the coolest thing ever! (besides Beanie Babies and Juicy Juice, of course).  

I appeared to abandon the idea, however, as I took the rough ride into teenager-hood.  From ages 11 1/2 to almost 16, hormones started off on a bad nerve with me.  And if life seemed full of despair and desperation for me, I am a thousand percent sure that I made life complete hell for my parents.  At about age 14, I distinctly remember taking great pride in my decisive pessimism.  I was a pessimist!  I got angry about everything!  I really did, I am sure of it.  After all, I had to walk and talk the talk of my half punk/half grunge-goth "identity."  I thought I liked who I was, but in all honesty I have no memories of ever being truly happy and joyful at that time.  Every journal entry was mad at somebody because I wasn't allowed to do something, and contained many schemes for rebelling and plans for all I would "accomplish" once I turned 18.  

All of that to say firstly that I was horribly discontent and pessimistic, and secondly to apologize to everyone who was close to me during that stage.  I am surprised you all stuck it through, and commend you for it!  

But I suppose that, by the time I entered my Junior year, I had worn out most all of any pessimism I had been programmed with, besides the little healthy dosage left to make sure my life became dramatic at some points here and there so it remained "interesting."  I was far from through being resurrected from the depths of despair, but it was at that time that I joined my current improv group, and made some really good friends on swim team (before that, everyone I knew on the team was just a casual friend).  These two amazing groups of Godly people, along with the people I was already friends with at that time (those who stuck it through or stayed anyways, despite my entire existence being flawed at the time), and my wonderful family, dug me out of the hole I was in - by hand - and held me up to towards the Light; towards my heavenly Father.  Slowly, but surely, I have been changing for the better, with the help of them.  MOST importantly my parents, who never gave up on me and NEVER let me stray off completely to sell my soul to the world.  

Now I can see, though, that even as I completely and utterly regret those cursed year, wishing they had never happened, I can see that there are so many things that would not have happened and so many mistakes made later, were my wish to come true.  The consequences might be something as horrible as death or causing great shame to my family.  I may have gone off to college and fallen too far, without the desire for the help of godly friends or parental influence.  I might have never had the amazing opportunity of joining the Unintentionals.  Had I not been SO depressed at one point that my mother insist I join the homeschool swim team and swim all my frustrations out, I would not have the greatest group of friends on the entire planet.  And so much more!  

In other words, where would I be???  The outcome is unimaginable, even for me.  

So that, my dear friends (old friends, swim team friends, improv friends, and new friends....I love you all!), is one grand reason I am so entirely optimist all the time.  Even though something looks hopeless, I can almost guarantee it is NOT.  I wasn't hopeless, was I?  I might as well have seemed very much so; the 13-year-old  kid who dresses as grungily as she can and looks as angry as possible for her first therapy session in order to attempt to scare the psychologist off?  Yup, that is bad.  But now I am pretty sure my happiness level is consistently at about 98.5%, nearly all the time.  If I am not a miracle (not to sound full of it or anything) then I don't know what is.  Thanks so much, everyone, for everything!

~Jessica          

This Morning

The clouds are still grey with a hint of blue in them.  The fresh dogwood blooms are dampened by the early morning rain, and are dripping and drooping towards the lush, wet grass.  Sparrows call and finches chirp, calling the sun out from the shadows where it sleeps.  The softest breeze kisses the pine branches enough to induce droplets to tumble down, and the maple branches dance as the horizon grows brighter and brighter with every call of the waxwing.  The colors of Springtime are now illuminated fully as the orange rays spill over the grass.  Yet the sun shrinks back.  A tossing wind stirs the branches now, and then stops again.  

I smell the wetness of the yard through my window as the sun attempts to show its face again.  But alas, it is for a mere second before it seems I only imagined the rays.  And then...light!  Beautiful sunshine!  Here to stay...but gone again.  

It is fascinating how every day seems to be the same, but then it is different also.  Each day something happens, and the next day I think differently of everything than I did the day before, after my dreams cultivate in my brain.  My opinions don't change much, for I am not some wet blanket or another.  But even one mild event in one day can change an entire outlook in the next.  A friend and I long for childhood again, dress up in long skirts, and go take a midnight walk, stopping only to lay in a hammok to gaze longingly at the stars.  We talk of the future, of hopes and desires, and we make promises to each other all over again.  Another friend writes and reminds me of the life ahead of me; how the key to it is to simply walk through the open door, no matter how daunting the doorway is.  A book I chanced upon finally makes it all clear, that my idleness and idolatry are in vain.  My family is proof that there really is no place like home.

The direction does not have to be 100% clear.  The end does not have to be visable.  Then how am I supposed to know what is right?  Instinct is as trustworthy as stranger's casual opinion.  But God is good, and he has blessed me thus far.  Just because I cannot see does not mean I am walking blindly.  It would be better to lose my sight altogether; it would make me more fully rely on my Father, and acknowledge that he is the only one who really has the true ability to see anything.  

Outside it has grown dark again, with only a hint of what brightness kept peeping out.  But perhaps today is a day for clouds, and tomorrow the sun with shine.  

~Jessica

Hmph, Finally!

Well, it is about time, that is all I have to say! And all that grumbling I did last night. "Oh, good grief, guys....it's not going to snow! They say it will and it never does." Either that or it snows half an inch and everything gets cancelled. One flake on the ground and the entire triangle goes into a panic about stocking up on food and snow shovels. There is an entire storage building somewhere full of salt to put on the roads so that nobody slips on the one flake. Northerners must think we are so wimpy. I think we are wimpy. I mean, yes snow and ice are dangerous and yes we down here in the south don't consider it a worthy enough investment to buy materials suitable for the snow since we only get a significant amount every five years or so. But still.

Besides all that, snow is beautiful. I woke up this morning, went into the kitchen, happened to glance out the window, and I saw white. "Well, then, I was wrong...." I said, scoffing and humphing more than what was surely my fair share. I still haven't been out in it. Actually I am about to go and sled some, I think. I've just been inside being cozy, reading, researching, talking with parents, etc. We watched the inauguration. Now THAT is something lots of fun to do while wearing sweats, drinking hot chocolate, and looking outside at the birds and flurries. I was worried that the music at the beginning...the Appalachian Spring arrangement by John Williams thing.... would be too much to my liking and then I would have to deny myself the privilege of downloading it since I have boycotted the whole ceremony. Thank goodness it wasn't that impressive. Nice, easy-listening-in-the-elevator-ish, but hardly outstanding.

Alrighty, I will take a break now to go sledding. I'll write more after a word from these asterisks:

**********

I have returned.

We walked down to the pond, stopping by Catherine's house on the way. The snow is good enough for making a nice snow ball now. We sledded a bit at the pond, and I tried to build a snow fort, but I didn't make much progress because NOBODY was helping me. After being at the pond we decided to walk down the street to some body's yard that has a big hill on it. We always went down the hill when we were younger (in the days where it actually snowed like this once or twice a year, every year). This year we decided that since we were all teenagers now, we would be like the teenagers back then who would make lots of cool bumps and turns. We manufactured one bump which, to our great surprise, worked well! After succeeding, we walked down to the new part of that neighborhood and tried to sled on the hill in the yard of the model home. Nobody was at the model home, but the outside speakers were playing classical music. I never thought I would get to sled while listening to classical music. But I still haven't. The snow was too deep. But now I have something great to aspire to--listening to classical music as I sled.

We finally hiked back home, to find out that a friend of ours had been calling and wanted her dad to bring she and her brothers over to our house so we could all play in the snow together. Her dad has not made a decision about that yet, so we are all sitting around wondering whether to clean up the house a bit or not.

I have been thinking a lot, and then I thought about what I have been thinking. It seems as though I can never dwell on the present. It's either thinking about what is going to happen in the future or thinking about things that happened in the past. It isn't as if I am discontent with the present. I don't think I am. I hope I'm not. And I concentrate enough to get things done. But is my mind really somewhere else all the time?

I don't know. There are plenty of things that I do where I don't think about-or wish I was actually-doing something else. That is usually just something like playing piano or cooking. Cleaning the bathrooms makes me wish I was doing something else, and writing stories makes me feel like I should be doing something else. If I am reading for school a lot of the time my mind will start to wander and I will either think of how nice it would be to be young and free again, or what my future life will be like...where I will live when I'm married and how we'll do things...UGH. Now is not the time to think about what can't be, nor is it the time to think about things I will have plenty of time to think about when the time comes.

Anyways, I need to get on with stuff. There probably won't be water polo tomorrow, and I don't even know if a significant amount will melt before Thursday so I can go to the Hawks-NRCA game. It might be the only basketball game of the season I get to go to. GOSH I am so tired. I'll talk to you all later!

~Jessica

Thinking Rosemary Thoughts...

You know what?  It has been a terribly long time since I have sat down to write something with no point intended.  I am quite sure that while my latest bloggings may be interesting, I guess they do not contain the usual dash of wit, charm, and randomness that I used to include in whatever I wrote before I became boring.  It has something to do with growing up, I think.  In that case, I shall resist.

The truth is, like I keep saying, my head has been filled with so many deep musings of late that for some strange reason I cannot seem to think like a person anymore, but more like some old philosopher who lives in a cave up on a hill and sits there stroking his beard, puffing his pipe, and fishing for blind fish in the pond in the cave.....whatever.  So away with that image!  

Right at this moment I should be reading about 12,000 different books and then immersing myself in pleasant dreams of compost and cultivation.  I find that collecting compost and cutting hair are quite similar in that they are both very addictive.  The main reason my hair never seems to grow out all the way is that I get very scissor-happy.  I go to cut my bangs, and then I have to blend them, and then maybe I want it a little more blended, and then maybe I want to layer this here and there, and then it isn't even, so I keep cutting till it is all even and then I finally stop, only to realize what I have done, and all my hair is in little circles on the floor.  Cue depressing music.  That is why I am never going to cut my own hair again and my only pair of scissors are at Lizzie and Sarah's house.  Okay, I left them there during a sewing project and never brought them back.  Whatever.  I am sure they are being put to good use.

But about the compost thing.  My plan is to actually burn all the dead shrubs, leaves, branches, etc., in our backyard garden (along with the Christmas tree whenever we get around to taking it down), then do a compost-plow-cultivate-whatever kind of thing to it.  So today I have started collecting compost material in a big bucket, and it is very exciting to cut up vegetables and dump all the scraps in my bucket!  I have to keep a lid on the bucket or else the dogs will eat out of it, which is the same reason I can't put it in the garden yet, besides all the mess being in there which was supposed to be for fires in the fire pit before it got to cold to have them.  Too cold for a fire?  What......?  Whatever.  You know, I toss that word around, and it may sound like I am just this weird, apathetic person.  Well, I don't know if I am totally apathetic, but I don't care too much about everything.  I am a good balance.  I hope.  I just happen to express apathy often.  I guess.  Whatever.

So onto another little blurb.  Since I have reconfigured my life's plan again, and this time it makes more earthly sense and doesn't require me unrealistically reaching towards the stars...well, I added onto it.  Things like gardening.  I really like gardening...okay, I have very little experience doing it, but I have always wanted to.  Mostly all I have done is keep a little herb garden in the front yard, but that fell out once I got busy (about two and a half years ago), and so it kind of exploded.  Instead of a nice little rosemary plant we now have a ginormous rosemary bush that probably has roots to China.  It is hideous and it just gets bigger and bigger.  Today, I finally decided to put it to good use.  I did some research and this morning set to work trimming...okay, hacking...at the monster for about fifteen minutes.  Now I wish I had taken a picture of the before and after, but I'm not one of those bloggers who takes pictures of everything she does just out of habit so she can post them.  If I had a camera I might have thought about it, but probably not.  Anyways, after not making much of a dent at all, I ended with three basket-fulls of rosemary (two big baskets and one little basket (the kinds you go picking wildflowers with).  I washed some, gathered them into eight bunches of eight, tied those bunches together, tied the bunches onto some hangers, and hung them out in the storage room.  They will have to dry for a month or four weeks, whichever comes first, and then I can have my own dried rosemary!  I don't think I will use it in cooking but I may experiment with some herbal tea.  

I laid out some more of the rosemary in a long basket and I am leaving those to dry overnight.  Tomorrow I am going to make rosemary oil.  I can't remember what you can do with it, but I am going to make it anyways, just to see if I can.  :D

One final musing before I close out....yeah, I don't want to abandon music and writing.  I think that if I am diligent to my studies and projects on weekdays then I can have my weekends free for my pleasures.  Until I get a job.....*cries* I wish I could just stay a kid forever sometimes.  Like Lizzie said, there just seems to not be enough time in the day for everything I want to do.  And that fact often makes me fall into a deep depression thinking, "Oh, everything is so overwhelming...I will never get anything done!"  and then I get nothing done because I keep spending all my time thinking the horrible thought about not getting anything done.  It is important that I get done the things I must, but sometimes if I don't get to do the pleasurable activities, then I go into withdrawal.   Today I was most efficient with my piano.  I sat down for seven minutes in-between fixing dinner and waiting for everyone to come and eat dinner, I attempted some TSO song, started fiddling around with the melody line, did some chord-thing, wrote a little of that, wrote some bass line for some part of whatever it was, recorded it on my little recorder-thing so I wouldn't forget, and then went to go eat dinner.  Usually I have to bang around for thirty minutes or more before coming up with anything decent.

So that is my head for the moment.  Thanks for tuning in and I'll talk to you all later!

~Jessica

Some Reflections on 2008

Books I’ve Read (I am pretty sure it is the shortest list I have ever had)
The Turn of the Screw by Henry James
Quest for Love by Elizabeth Elliot
Nicholas Nickelby by Charles Dickens
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Avonlea
Anne of the Island
Anne of Windy Poplars
Anne’s House of Dreams
Anne of Ingleside
Rainbow Valley
Rilla of Ingleside by L. M. Montgomery
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
King Lear
A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Under the Tuscan Sun by Francine Prose
The Sea Wolf by Jack London
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson
Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
Into the Forest by Jean Hegland
Marriage and Family by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer
Beowulf translated by Seamus Heaney
The Secrets of Songwriting by Susan Tucker
Thr3e by Ted Dekker
Let Me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot


Favorite Movie of 2008
I actually didn’t see that many movies, at least ones that were released this year. I kind of liked the Batman movie and the Twilight movie, but nothing really amazing stood out to me.


Favorite Songs Released in 2008
Low – Flo-ri-a ft. T-Pain
4 Minutes – Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
Viva la Vida – Coldplay
Won’t Go Home Without You – Maroon 5


Favorite Songs that I’ve Listened to in 2008
All the TSO songs
All the Nickel Creek songs
Ben Folds, “The Luckiest”
Sweeny Todd Soundtrack
Evita Soundtrack


New Friends I’ve Met (in person…those who I have not met in person yet, I hope you are on this list at the end of 2009!)
Becca
Scott
Alex
Maryn
Moriah
Natalie


Things I’ve Done
Graduated
Gotten a laptop
Turned 18
Started to take piano more seriously
Discovered a love for composing and not just simple songwriting
Realized I don’t have to get married RIGHT NOW
Gotten more interested in reading my Bible and theology in general
Heard my life calling from afar
Completed an undefeated swimming season

Gone real camping for the first time

Tried my hand at sewing clothes (I have yet to see what the finished product will resemble)
Been more passionate than ever about homeschooling my own kids
Decided college is not for me (“college torture, / college university! / Arts and crafts is all I need, / I’ll take calligraphy / and then I’ll make a fake degree…”)
Played Ultimate Frisbee and really liked it
Won my heat and placed 10th for butterfly at the TSA championships
Started this blog
Decided I’m VERY done bragging about my accomplishments


Best Thing of 2008:
NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to start learning… :)


My thoughts at the beginning of the year:
My GOSH…I am going to graduate and THEN WHAT!?!??!?
And
If I don’t get married to *insert name here* then I don’t know what I will do!

My Thoughts at the end of the year:
You have to take time to listen to what God’s plans for you are. But he will reveal them to you eventually.
And
Right now I have as much chance of marrying ______ or _______ as I do anybody else in the world. So why should I give anybody, especially them, any romantic attention or thought right now? Crushes, no matter how you justify them, are crushes and mean nothing….

~Jessica

I Guess Sin Doesn't Matter Anymore...

If this post sounds confused or unstable...it is just purely from lack of organization since I am trying to see this from many different angles all at once....

Christians seem to have this idea that they are all under grace and that all the old laws do not apply anymore. Well, I have been doing some serious thinking, and I do not think that it is true. I mean, of course we are under grace. God gave us a precious gift by letting his son come down here and die for our sins. But just because someone died as a sacrifice does not mean that we can keep on sinning, does it? No…that is ridiculous. And anyways, why would we do that to somebody who just paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we would not have to pay it ourselves? That is selfish. The Bible says, “for by grace you have been saved through Christ Jesus.” It does not say, “for by grace you have been saved through Christ Jesus, so why don’t you go ahead and sin all you want since Jesus went through all that pain for you.”

I do not think there is essentially anything wrong with being carefree. After all, God says “do not worry about tomorrow for it will worry about itself.” He did NOT say, “do whatever the &#$@ you feel like doing today because tomorrow is a new day.” But, you might ask, why should we not sin? And why is it sin anyways? IT IS SIN BECAUSE GOD SAID SO. How can you call yourself a follower of God and then pick and choose the commandments that you feel are best suited to your lifestyle and obey only them? That is like saying, “I am a child of ME”, not “I am a child of God.”

Of course, I know that nobody is perfect. I am not perfect, and I would never go so far to say I am anywhere close unless I was fooling around. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God,” but that is no excuse. God accepts that because he wants to accept everyone. That is why he made it possible to be saved merely through faith…because he knew it was impossible to be human and save yourself just by attempting to follow the law exactly. But you should not say, “Well, I guess we are all sinners…it is inevitable that I am going to sin anyways so I might as well not try to stop myself.”

Our reason for not sinning should not be for securing a place in Heaven, either. If we are all “justified freely by his grace”, then we are all going to Heaven, simple as that. However, as I said in a previous entry….don’t you think we owe it to God to obey his simple commandments? He has given us such a precious gift of grace and eternal life when we don’t deserve it. So why don’t we try the best we can to deserve it?

In the beginning, God gave man ONE SIMPLE RULE—DO NOT eat the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. (You know, that is a pretty cool name for a tree. Nowadays we just have “magnolia” or “pine” or “apple”….those are so boring.) Adam and Eve could not see why God did not want them to eat the fruit, so they did, and look where that got us today. (Okay, it is probably true that if Adam and Eve did not sin, someone would have eventually done something.) God has made lots of commandments that do not make sense. Like, why can’t you eat pork? People eat pork all the time and it doesn’t hurt them. WELL….maybe you should not eat pork because GOD SAYS SO. Don’t you remember when you were a child and your parents told you to or to not do something, and when you questioned them they gave that frustrating answer, “because I said so”? I always hated that, because I liked reasons. I do not like doing seemingly unreasonable things: “Why do we only get to go 35 mph on this road? It’s perfectly safe to go at least 50!” I still haven’t figured out why Sunset Lake Road is that way……it takes FOREVER to go anywhere when I have to use that road.

Now, what if you still feel like you are under grace and that eating pork is not a problem? Well, that is your personal interpretation and conviction to believe that God has saved you thus, and that is fine. Still, wouldn’t it be better to be on the safe side? God may have even said, “It is okay to eat pork now,” but maybe he is also fine if you feel like you should stay with his original commandment. It obviously won’t hurt. And I am not saying anybody has to do this…this is just a personal conviction of mine that I have felt I need to adhere to. Why do we even have the Old Testament if it suddenly does not apply anymore?

Anyways, I have never read the entire Bible all the way through, so I have started doing that now. I may be wrong about some things. There is a certainty that you shall see more theological musings from me in the future. I am also willing to be corrected by someone who has read a part of the Bible that I have not. I just want to get it right, and I am very excited about all this!

I will talk to you all later,
~Jessica

Le Papier est Fini!

If you haven't noticed, I've had a little obsession with typing/posting in French.  If it's annoying you, I am sorry.  I just really want to learn more French and I don't have time.  So I am just going with what I know.  That means that if something I want to say happens to translate into French in my brain oh-so-magically, then I will say/write it without much of a doubt (except perhaps on the correct pronunciation....)

So I am done with my last research paper for the semester and I am rejoicing, of course.  Yes, doing the Highland Fling and other dances I am famed for.  I haven't blogged a real blog in a long time.  The last time I told you how I was doing was for that "Tag" thing, and that doesn't really count because there was this thing entailed known as "structure."  I don't like structure.  It bothers me.  Organization is not bad, but structure...I won't even go into how it just messes up things.

So things are about to get drastically different.  I have re-thought my life plan for the 7,000th time since last summer.  Not this summer, just last summer.  I am going to stop having getajobaphobia and I am, instead, going to get a job.  I really want to work at either a bookstore or a pet store.  I am working on a write-up on everything about myself, putting my social security number in big print on the cover page, and giving that package to random people I see in stores.  

Next semester I am not going to go to college.  Every time I sign up for a college class I forget all the negative things like sitting in classrooms, being lectured, writing papers, taking tests, being told what to do, and things like that.  For the rest of my life I am vowing not to make that mistake again.  I DO NOT like being told what to do.  I am going to do what I want...and that is...

1)  Study music theory

2) Study creative writing more intensely

3) Read more books

4) Write more (poetry, stories, etc)

5) Compose more (like, music, you know?)

These would be done when I am not working, of course.  And I am going to use my money to either travel the world, buy myself a house (in North Carolina.......), or as my own marriage dowry or something.   Or maybe just...oh, never mind.  

In other general news, we got our piano tuned yesterday.  It's an understatement that I am quite ecstatic.  We haven't had it tuned since we got it 14 years ago...sad.  So now it sounds next to wonderful.  It's an upright, so it will never sound like a grand, but it's pretty pretty!  Also, Saturday I got to go to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert!  It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!  And that is also an understatement.  I'll be talking about it for the next decade.  :D

I really need to be getting on important things like chores since I haven't done much because I've been working on my paper.  It is a terrible paper.  I will fail the class.  < /low self esteem >  That's okay though!  I really don't care.  I enjoyed it, but what do grades matter when I'm not going to go to college and I am not going to change my mind about going to college???

I will write again soon.  I have to write lots of tiny paper summaries for my classes and study for a couple of finals (ugh...I sound so school-ish...I disgust myself), but I think I will have more time because I don't have to spend so much of it thinking about something I don't want to think about.  Isn't that liberating?  I'm considering re-naming this the Blog of Liberation again!

Anyways, talk to y'all later!

~Jessica

As I Sit Here Quietly

The evening is warm
Are we so close?
Hands are cold
A quiet drive home

Transcribing words in my head
Seems like my thoughts are all dead
Dusk comes and I say goodbye

Can you whisper melodies
Can they echo in the silence
Is there a way to tell a friend
A desire never murmured before?

To find a pair of green eyes
Against a mask of ivory
Are they surprised to see
My blue ones among the rest?

I am not the only one who hears
The inseparable polyphony…

Did you dream about me too?
Is it all different now?
I’m taken aback
How did this ever come about?
Such good friends, the three of us
Yet something separates us all…

~JCB

A Blog Response

This is in response to Chris's blog entry, "Why I am Agnostic."

So the good ones die young? Firstly, that is a generalization. Secondly, death is most certainly not an end-all. Death is a gift, really, because though man has screwed the world up, God has kept heaven beautiful. While life here may seem great, heaven is a wonderful place that just gets forgotten about because people are so concentrated on life here. As for letting "bad people" live longer, we are on earth to learn to love God. Ozzie learned to love God, so God took him to with Him in heaven. He may have died tragically, but that's only as we shortsighted people here on earth see it. We don't see the big picture. So perhaps God is giving the "bad or at least not-so-good guys" more time here on earth so that they may learn to love him as much as Ozzie did. Of course, time does run out eventually.

The man who murdered John Lennon had serious problems. Lots of Christians don't like certain lyrics...but I think most of us see it as "that's the way that person is" and we can either try and help them...or if they are formerly a member of the Beatles, then we can just not listen to their music and get over it. Of course, I still listen to John Lennon, but I just don't take the lyrics seriously. But killing someone is just...absurd. Anyways, it's breaking one of the ten commandments...so...yeah. That guy had problems.

Why prepare for your "journey into the afterlife" when you are in old age or getting terribly sick? You may walk outside your door tomorrow only to have a stampede of rhinoceroses trample you to your death (try not to think about it...but it could happen). In my opinion, you should always be preparing for your afterlife. Okay, so that sounds a little silly just saying it like that....it makes me think of how the Egyptians buried all their cherished worldly possessions with their dead bodies so they could have all those things in the afterlife. But God says, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moths and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." Basically...while I suppose it's a good thing to be working on....um......surviving here on earth, we shouldn't place so much importance on things that aren't going to benefit us in the long run. While it's good to enjoy the moment, we shouldn't live solely for the now and not care about any consequences, whether those consequences are suffered here or elsewhere. All of that to say...you shouldn't try to save your soul when you know it will be too late very soon. I think that it's better - for me, anyways - to devote myself to God now. Anyways, I'm going to need Him a lot during my life.

Sin is at the bottom of everything, and man brought sin into the world. God never intended for the world to get as corrupted as it has become. But He already flooded the earth once and He promised He wouldn't do it again. In the old testament God was very judgmental...if that's the right word...well, justice was served quite a lot. Adam and Eve were banished from Eden, Cain was cursed and sent away, the earth was flooded...bad people died left and right, and the good people prevailed onward ho. But since Christ came and died for us, taking all our sins upon him, God hasn't just struck anyone down with lightning anymore. Christianity is all about loving and forgiveness and gratitude. People forget that, though. If anyone watched that video on Chris's blog...what a waste of a nice song. It was incredibly sad and I wish I could do something to help the guy understand...but I am almost afraid of him. I don't know if I would want to encounter him on the street or anything...

If anything has any comments on this, I encourage you to please do so on either my blog or Chris's blog...this isn't just some lighthearted issue here.

Mindlessness

There are certain things I love doing, that I just cannot bring myself to put on my “interests” or “hobbies” list. I’m not embarrassed. That’s ridiculous. But…there is some reason or another. Things like: clipping my nails, blow drying my hair, driving, dancing outside in the middle of the night, and being alone in complete quiet.

Ultimately I suppose it comes down to mindlessness. I really appreciate it. That sounds bad…shouldn’t I really like stretching my cognitive abilities? Well, I do. There’s no doubt about that. I enjoy feeling like the gears in my brain are really chugging away (if gears do that…you know what I mean…perhaps I am getting my imagery mixed up, but whatever). But I feel like my brain is like that all the time. It’s as if I’m running endlessly, never taking a break to just sit down and catch my breath, to let my muscles rest. Sure, if I sit down for a long enough time, I get antsy again, and get up and run. But rests are wonderful things.

Clipping my nails, filing my nails…it’s the epitome of mindlessness, in my opinion. I just do it. I’m doing something physical, working on something, and thinking about nothing. I wish I had more nails, or just more activities that were like clipping nails. Watching TV or playing video games just don’t do it for me. I get really wrapped up in television or movies, and when I play video games, I constantly am feeling like I should be doing something else. Clipping my nails is of such benefit to me and others…makes it easier to play guitar and piano, preventing myself from bending the nails back when they’re wet, makes them nicer-looking, and puts a stop to any lethal scratching I may inflict during water polo (you can thank me in the comments section).

I also like things like showering and shaving my legs. Sorry if that’s TMI for some people, but you must understand that I just like that mindless time. Because doing stuff that takes no brain leaves my brain to be opened. I come up with my best ideas for songs, stories, businesses, et cetera, while lathering my hair, getting soap in my eyes, or making funny shapes with my shaving cream (I am really a pro at making many different sculptures as I squirt the shaving cream out…I entertain myself very well). The problem with coming up with such a huge wave of ideas is that you can’t really document any of them in the bathtub. I suppose I could take all my hair that falls out and twist them into a musical staff and music notes, and write down ideas with my shaving cream on the walls…but that would take a lot longer than it would if I just finished the shower, wouldn’t it? Yeah. *sigh* Plus not being able to really read music, as well as my hair having a tendency to just curl up after a while, present problems. Shaving cream likes to melt.

Whatever.

I like dancing, that’s a given. I don’t think I’ve met a girl who doesn’t. I really like it when guys like dancing, too. It was pretty awesome to see all the guys who showed up at the cotillion-style dance class at the homeschool conference. It was even more awesome to see the very few guys who were AMAZING. It let me hope for my generation. Perhaps I will marry a guy who will go dancing with me!

As for dancing outside in the middle of the night, I’d say it is the epitome of freedom…so I don’t know why I just told the whole world I do it. Might as well, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I do it because the night is stimulating; the air is clear, crisp, and electrifying. No human is watching. The moonlight shines down like a single spotlight…the stars are my audience, the cool grass is my stage, the crickets and the frogs are my music. I dance without a care in the world. I get warm and breathless, my muscles begin to feel strained, and the beads of sweat begin to surface on my brow. The soft breeze cools me, and I want nothing else but to stay out there forever…

Death is just the easy way to escape. The weather recently has reminded me about this story about a boy and a girl. Simple enough, I suppose. They grow older and fall in love. The boy is poor, the girl is rich. While she goes away to school for her later teen years, the boy, a couple years older, determines to spend the time when they are separated in hard labor, working to make enough to support her. Of course, he knows what she’s used to and is willing to do whatever he can to get as close to matching it as possible. When she comes back from school, three or four years later, he is proud of himself. They meet, and she seems preoccupied. He plans to come over to her house later and propose. He does, but he finds her in the parlor talking with another man—a rich one—who has his arm around the girl. The girl announces, slightly embarrassed and grimly, that she and the rich man are engaged. The boy falls into devastation, and that’s a very understate-ish understatement. He had worked all these years, FOR HER. And now what? She rejects him. Unintentionally, but he can never have her now. He never even tries again. He just crawls into a hole, gives up. However, he’s developed a habit of working hard. In ten years, he’s pretty well off. He’s been keeping track of the girl now. She married the other man and they moved to a house on the lake. One night, the husband leaves for a business meeting. The girl is at home alone. She goes out to enjoy the moonlit night, and comes back into her dark living room. Something in the shadows moves—it is the boy, now fully a man, dressed nicely. His eyebrows are turned down. In his hands is a pistol. The girl is shocked. Her voice trembles as they talk. His is calm and confident. He thinks he wants her love…but in that conversation, he realizes that all he wants is for her to know what he did for her, what he always wanted, and how she carelessly and heartlessly ripped his chest opened, pulled his heart out, and threw it out the window where it was driven to the bottom of the river. The husband comes back home. The man confronts the husband and shoots him soon after. The girl screams, asking what the man wants from her. Now the man comes to his senses…he’s only hurt her more. She hurt him, but he swore long ago he would never hurt her. He’s gone back on the promise. His life is turmoil, and the moment is happening so fast around him, he feels dizzy. With quaking hands he turns the gun on himself. It would make things better for the girl if he was gone as well. He shoots himself in the head. What he doesn’t know is that he’s hurt the girl even more than he could ever imagine. The girl is confused, bewildered…this was not what was supposed to happen this evening! All she can see, though, is what is right in front of her, and that’s any meaning in her life now has surely vanished, and vanished tragically. Impulsively, she grabs the pistol from the man, lets out one last sob…and shoots herself.

It’s not supposed to be that easy. That is not bliss; that is not escape. It’s just tragedy. Naivety, short-sightedness. People commit suicide every day, feeling surely that once their souls have escaped the world, everything will be okay…

I don't mean to leave you on such a negative note. No, I'm not feeling suicidal. Far from it! I was just illustrating something with my little story. Now I shall go and love my life some more!

"Jack of All Trades" - A Complimentary Term for ADD

I feel like I need to rethink everything. You know, I've probably said a thousand times before that I thought I would have everything figured out by the time I turned eighteen. My life would all be in place, I will have decided what to do, I would be doing it, I would be successful doing that something that I was supposed to be doing….etc, etc, etc. And it's very annoying how I am not like that at all. Basically, if you think about it (not too hard, of course), I am a loser. I am unaccomplished because I…well, haven't accomplished much. I know I can. I know it's possible and I have the potential. But there's something…well, a lot of things that I perceive as holding me back. The thing is, I don't think I realize it. I'm still a little kid. It feels funny to say, but I really admire my friend because in a lot of ways he's older than me. Sure, he's almost a year and a half younger than me, but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Maturity-wise, most of the things about him are just older. And it's not fair. I look at him and say, "wow, he'd be much better at being eighteen than I am, and I'd be better at being 16." Did I mention it's not fair? I should be being confused about life at 16, and then in a year and a half I will have been sufficiently confused for a long enough time to conclude what I want to do and do it. INSTEAD, I was confused when I was 16 but apparently had not been confused long enough, because before then I didn't even realize that eventually I would have to grow up and pick something to do, and that it just didn't come by existing in my little world.

Don't get me wrong. I have a variety of interests and talents. I used to wonder, and now I've remembered that I wondered it and thus wonder it all over again, whether it was better to be extremely great at one or two things, or moderately good at many, many different things. And that doesn't even mean that I'm good at everything I do. What stumps me is that I expect to be able to do everything and then I run across something I cannot do (which happens a lot), as much as I want to, and then I feel like a failure at everything and have an urge to crawl into a little hole despite the possibility of feeling extremely claustrophobic.

So my friend says I'm a "Jane of all trades, particularly artistic ones." Well, after that compliment, I didn't know what to say. But before that I had told him about how I admire how he sticks to stuff. He has two main interests: Law and music, mainly piano. He swims and plays water polo some, and works so he can have money to pursue his interests. But he's very concentrated (no, not like orange juice, in case you were wondering). I am very jealous. I guess if I ever went to public school I would have been labeled ADD…I'm glad I never was in school, and I'm glad I never got a label like that. But I just have a terrible time sticking to anything. Thus, the whole "loser" label I keep giving myself. It's awful, I know. I don't really have such a low self-esteem. I guess this is actually just between me and myself, and how I just feel back being around myself. But now it's like I feel it's leaking out into public because now all my friends are concentrated and working on their life goals and stuff, and I still don't know what I want.

So I'm going to take that time to do some examination of me. I know, that's sounds so narcissistic, but I really need to do this. I hate thinking under pressure, but here we go anyways.
What do I really feel like I want in life? I want to be a wife and a mother. "That's the first time I've heard someone say that," Ken laughed on Tuesday at Wake Tech. I guess he was just surprised, not mocking me. But still, it was the first time I kind of felt funny for saying that. Still, what are the chances I will actually get married? I hate to think about that. Let's not. On to what I was doing.

What else do I want? Well, let's first think about what I don't want. I don't want to go to college. I don't particularly want to get a job. I don't want to go through life with no money and no life. I don't want to be labeled a "loser" by society and not just myself. I want to make a good name for homeschoolers. Now for what I want. I want to seem important to myself. I want to be amazing. This all sounds funny right now, but I need to be honest. I want to be happy. I want everyone around me to be happy. I don't want anyone to feel insignificant because of me…which there doesn't seem to be that risk right now…anyways. I want success in whatever I do.

Okay, now for what I really WANT to do. Not what I want, but what I want to DO.

I want to work with animals. I want to write books. I want to travel around the world, either by myself or with people I love. I want to play piano amazingly well. I want to write beautiful music. I want to play as many instruments as possible. I want to go sailing, like, real sailing in the ocean. I want to be in love and get married. I want to have children. Lots of them. I want money so I can do all the things I want to do. I want to keep swimming and playing water polo. I don't really want to accomplish anything with them, but they are a fun hobby and they also keep me in shape. I don't want to get fat, or even just go back to being skinny. I like the body I have and want to keep it. I don't want my kids to be fat or skinny. I want them to be healthy and athletic. I don't ever want to lose my creative inspiration. I want to be with my friends and family forever, and I don't ever want to lose any of them in any way. I don't want to go over into the "dark side" again. I want to be a good kid, even if I am an adult now. I want to be a good and creative cook. I want to have an enthusiasm for cleaning and doing other mundane household chores. I want to study history…real history. I want to read classic literature and learn from the best. I want to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and study his word. I want insight from my elders so I don't go screwing up my life again. I would like to do acting. I want to start a band.

So what do I concentrate on? Let's say I need four main things - Money, fitness, and two main profitable interests. Working for daddy covers the money thing right now, which includes studying the Product Launch Sequence. Fitness means swimming in the mornings and water polo in the afternoons. Now I have to pick two main interests and stick with them. *thinking….thinking…thinking…* I think…well, I thought…and now I believe…music and creative writing should be my main concentrations once this semester is over. Once I get out of these darned time-wasting classes. They're interesting, but not worth my time. That's the problem. There are too many things in life like that, and what's worse is that our society is so given over to those sorts of things that nobody really knows to do anything better.

One thing I noticed was that I said nothing about improv goals. Do I not have any? Have I lost my passion and fire for it? I think it's diminishing. That makes me cry. I don't want to leave, and it is only once a week, and then the shows one weekend a month. But I seriously need to reconsider what I want. I have been intensely interested in writing and music since I was little. They are things I KNOW I can stick to, and not just fleeting fancies that seem glamorous. I love to do them. Sure, sometimes I get in a rut, but that's only for a bit.

Okay, here is the verdict. If I take any classes next semester, they will be Creative Writing 1 and Elements of Music. I may also get a piano teacher. I'll read lots of books about writing, and also read literature. I will not deceive myself in my motivation. This is what I'm doing. I will also help around the house because I know it will benefit mom and myself because one day I will be a mother, I'm almost sure of it. I will work for daddy and help him with his product stuff. I will swim and play polo. I may eventually marry.

That's another thing. I feel ready for marriage, but I'm really not. I'm nowhere near it. I want it so bad right now. I've concluded that since none of the guys my age are ready, I should just hope for an older guy.......but then, that's kind of not really a good idea. I'm just as ready as the guys my age. I can see it coming in the next five years or so, and if I look I can basically see what I need to be doing to get there. To be ready. I know my girl friends can relate....I just ache to get married right now. I don't know if guys can relate to this at all.....but it's a very hard struggle right now. Granted, all struggles are hard. Duh. But this one is just the worst. It's so hard to do normal, everyday things now, because it comes to mind so much:

Driving through a neighborhood: "Oh, wouldn't this be a great neighborhood to bring kids up in...so peaceful and out of the city...so many trees...the houses are a nice size, and I could buy sofas!!!"

Walking through Target: "Aren't those decorations so cool! Imagine my dining room with that clock and my bedroom with that lamp!"

Still walking through Target: "Awww...cribs! Nighties! Diapers! Booties! Little bouncers! Pacifiers!"

Anywhere: "Look at that family, aren't they so cute? *gasp* A baby...oh, I want one!"

Anytime I see a couple I feel jealous because I'm walking through the parking lot alone. I certainly do NOT get to go shopping for ANYTHING with my husband, and that is very aggravating somehow. There's a girl on the Masters team who is getting married in December or something. I just overheard her telling another girl...but the way she was talking about it was just really casual and for some reason that got me down. Marriage, to me, isn't just a casual matter. I suppose that when you already live together anyways, there's no reason to really be excited. I meant the "I suppose" sarcastically. I just think that at that point marriage is almost pointless. You're already sharing your lives and sharing your bodies. Well, I'm going off in the other direction of what I was trying to say, which I can't really remember anyways because it's a bit late...AND I am trying to have a caffiene crash so I can go to bed, because I have to get up in the morning and go listen to the girls in the locker room at Masters talk some more before I go see the Dead Sea scrolls with...um...a lot of people. I'm excited :D I've been wanting to see them a while, and I don't want them to just go away like that anatomy exhibit did. That was sad :(

That same girl (I think) said that when she was little she once saw some guy swim the English channel all butterfly. That's really extremely cool. However, as much as I adore butterfly, I don't think I should set my sights on doing the same...heh heh.....

People

JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS - You may continue on the Bubba story. I just wanted to post a new post...

It seems so simple to say – people walk in and out of your life all the time. So why is it so strange sometimes? Why does it feel like there’s forever an empty space there now?

I begin to wonder if it has something to do with taking people for granted. I don’t think anyone just goes around all day saying “Oh my gosh, I cannot believe how great it is that I have these friends around me, my mom here, and my grandpa…life is sooooo good!” Not to say we don’t appreciate these people. But think about if, one day, you just said goodbye and the two of you – best friend, mom, grandpa, whoever – just go your separate ways and never speak to each other again. The parting is not curt, and not the result of a disagreement. Yet it is also not sentimental or thought about as being unwelcome. It’s a simple goodbye, have fun doing such-and-such, maybe we’ll run into each other sometime down the road of life and have lunch.

That just can’t HAPPEN, can it? Why would it? Yet it happens every day to everyone, just usually not with friends who are as close. It’s happened to me before over the years, but especially in this past year. It’s been very hard, because it’s not something I’m used to. It happens more with guys, too, than girls…and it’s not like I can just walk up to them and say, “wow, I’ve had a great time this semester sitting next to you in class. I’m going to miss you. Maybe we can still keep in contact, here’s my number!” I could say that to a girl and nobody would think of it at all, but I just cannot say that to a guy. I wouldn’t mean it as initiating and being forward, but it would come off as that.

Last summer there was a lifeguard at the pool. He was from New York and I was kind of afraid to talk to him (not because he was from New York). I’d talk to the other lifeguards, simply because I’ve known them all my life, but he was the new guy, and (of course) I was afraid that he would think I was initiating something. YES, maybe I assume too much about what other people assume, but don’t you think it’s better to stay on the safe side? One day near the end of the season I walked by his table where he was sitting and sort of guarding (we have very laid back lifeguards), and he was reading “The Pickwick Papers” by Charles Dickens. It turned out he loved Dickens…and I loved that he loved Dickens. Curiosity finally got the better of me on the third-to-last day of the pool, and somehow we talked a lot those last three days. I was fascinated with him. His personality was so…perfect. Everything I imagined, for the most part. But he was so different also. You know what I mean, I guess…he didn’t go about in the “lifestyle” most of us homeschoolers live. Just a typical worldly person in most respects, or something. Nonetheless, I still appreciated him very much. Then, on the last day, we just said goodbye, and I left.

It’s been a while, of course, but something is oddly empty. And it’s happened again. Sort of. Charlie’s gone off to college in Tennessee. He was another lifeguard. He was just always…there at the pool. He wasn’t like the lifeguard from last year, but just that person you partake in small talk with and always think of being there. Then his last day before leaving for school came, we said, “see ya later,” and it was all over. Nothing else.

I’ve concluded that it’s not going to happen to me again, if I can help it. Leaving swim team is really sad. I don’t think I will ever be able to completely let go. I love swimming, and swimming with these particular people. They’re the only people I’ve ever swam with. How could I ever get in the lane with anybody else? I couldn’t possibly do split-lanes and have strange conversations with anybody but Matt, Sean, Kara, Lizzie, Nathan, Noah, and Joel. Joking around with everyone at the meets and when we’re standing around waiting for coach to stop talking to random people around the deck are some of the highlights of my day, week, month, year, and life. The whole team is “my people” to me, if that makes any sense. It just breaks my heart not to be going back. I saw the sign-ups for swim team last week some time and said to myself, “Platinum team…two whole hours…” and imagined it all happening and me not being there. It will still go on. I will, too. Things will just be drastically different. I knew the moment would come eventually. I think, though, I was really in denial of it ever actually coming.

So here it is.

“So what happens now? Where am I going to?”
“Don’t ask anymore…”
~Evita

Sometimes other people say it better...

Incase you were wondering how I feel right now…it’s weird. This entry is long, but not because of me. I just put the lyrics to three songs on here…links so you can listen. I love these songs right now, and “Viva la Vida.” I didn’t put that on here, figuring that at this moment it’s popular enough…

SUDDENLY I SEE - -KT TUNSTALL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-At6avvY_4

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me


STILL FIGHTING IT - - BEN FOLDS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOI1HAq4XcU

Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combos only $9.95
Its okay, you don’t have to pay
I’ve got all the change

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
Its so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we’ll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you ‘bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
You’ll try and try and one day you’ll fly
Away from me

Good morning, son
I am a bird
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
Its so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
Were still fighting it, were still fighting it
Oh, were still fighting it, were still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry


WHEN YOU COME BACK DOWN - - NICKEL CREEK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNtxQ3CQhhA – live performance…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGXt8TLxmM0&feature=related – Normal recording, with LotR Images…(just look away and listen...it's cheesy and ruins the whole song)

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away

When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire

I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly
If you get too high, I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down


Aren’t those great songs…? *sigh*

Anger...

Yesterday was very cool. I mean, in most respects it was very ordinary. The special and cool part about it was…it was 18 days till my 18th birthday, which is on the 18th of August. I also celebrated when it was 18:18 o’clock (military time, you know). It was a very cool day, and it will never be that day ever again in my entire life. However, it would have been cooler if I had been born on the 8th of August, because then, ten years ago (oh-my-gosh…) today would have been 8 days till my 8th birthday on the 8th of the 8th month, at 8:08 am AND pm!!! Alas, ‘twas not so.

So Elizabeth pointed out one of the questions on the survey and how I answered it. “Who was the last person you were mad at”, or something to that effect. I answered, “EVERYBODY!!!”

But I kind of got to thinking (you see, I do that sometimes). There are lots of emotions that make us blind. I guess we are very shortsighted people. When we’re in love, we’re blind…we can’t see how this certain person could be bad, we don’t see how anyone else but that person could be good enough, and we don’t see how we ever loved anyone else, or didn’t love that certain person before. Happiness is blind, because we don’t understand how things could have ever been so bad. We know they were, but it seems like it wasn’t such a big deal or something. Anger is blind, because all we can see is the problem right in front of us, and how terrible it is. Even apathy is blind…how could you have ever allowed yourself to FEEL FEELINGS??? How STUPID could you have been? So now I just don’t feel like CARING about ANYTHING right now…well, that’s how my apathy is, and from there I go on to not allowing myself to get happy or sad or angry or do anything…and then I just crawl into bed and sleep a bit. Have you ever noticed people’s “Morning Faces”? I think I really first discovered this while camping. Everyone has this face they wake up with in the morning. It’s all groggy-wrinkly-stuck, if that makes any sense. It feels that way, too. And coffee magically makes it fade away! I wonder at these things…what a phenomenon we have right in front of us.

The reason I said “everybody” was kind of an elbow in the side to human nature, I suppose. When one is angry, one tends to blame everyone else but oneself. It starts when we’re little. I guess some people are less selfish than others, just as some people are more school smart than others, or some girls are more prissy than others. I do try to be a nice person, and I try to be responsible and notice that it’s my fault if something terrible has happened to me. Sometimes it’s really not, of course. But it’s just like the guy whose truck my aunt accidentally ran into the back of – it was my aunt’s fault, but he was so incredibly nice and forgiving, even offering for her to drive his pickup (which hadn’t really been hurt by her little Reatta) while she got her car fixed or acquired a new one. I want to be like that.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Pietro Aretino says in a letter to Girolamo Quirini, “Angry men are blind and foolish, for reason at such a time takes flight and, in her absence, wrath plunders all the riches of the intellect, while the judgment remains the prisoner of its own pride (translation by Samuel Putnam).” Yeah…16th century Spanish/Italian stuff or something, but you know what I mean, I think. Though I like this next one better: “I know of no more disagreeable situation than to be left feeling generally angry without anybody in particular to be angry at.” -- Frank Moore Colby.

I don’t remember or maybe I don’t even know what I was really going to say. I think I had one of those “MLA research paper”-type-blog-entries mapped out in some corner of my brain, but now it’s stuck there (I must have been staring longingly at all the bubble gum at the store too long), and I cannot bring it forward into my “line of thinking”, if you know what I mean. If you all have anything to add about whatever I’ve been trying to formulate, feel free to!

--Jessica

One of "Those" Entries...

I have just been informed by a certain “Allison”-type-person that I need to update my blog. Thus, this entry...

Many of you are probably wondering how my life has been since my last entry. Well…it’s been just fine, thanks for allowing me to ask for you. The family reunion was kind of a bummer in the area of my own generation, but the two above mine were fine people, resulting in many fine relationships with older people. This generation is just not RIGHT sometimes, you know? However, we homeschoolers and ex-homeschoolers are just fine, am I right, or am I right? Ha ha…sorry for the generalization about non-homeschoolers. Y’all are pretty much okay, I guess…especially since my parents are included in that category.

Anyways, I had an itchy spot and I scratched it and I believe I feel slightly sun burnt. Allow me a moment to check. Okay…only on that small line right before my tan line, where I seemed to have missed putting sunscreen. It’s on both sides. Fancy that. At least I am consistent and symmetrical in my inconsistent unsymmetrical ways.

So the Totally Amazingly B’gorious Seahawks stole another win, leaving us completely UNDEFEATED!!! It is very amazing, considering that at the beginning of last season we were at the bottom of the last division. That’s a bit of a comeback, I’d say. So I believe we get a trophy, and get to move up at least one division, which will make me happy. The thing is that I won’t be able to swim in the fall because of time, won’t be able to compete in the fall because of graduating, and will only have one summer left (next summer…) before having to completely move on forever. However, I am making plans to continue to play water polo (I almost typed “water polka”, which is something a little similar to “water disco” which Matt and I are currently working on perfecting) on the day that Coach has that, which I hope is Wednesday (or Monday)…although I just realized that with the school schedule I have now (not much) I would be able to make it on Tuesday or Thursday. Anyhooness, I really like water polo. Have I ever said that? And I scored a goal on Matt yesterday. Yes, that’s an accomplishment. I think…better go check before bragging more…

Today was nice. I had planned to wake up at six, work out some, take a shower, get ready and go with Elizabeth B. to Wake Tech to clear up some advising stuff. Well, I don’t remember staying up too late last night, though I don’t remember what time I went to sleep, either. And what was I doing…? I seem to recall some faint vision of playing the guitar or something, but then I think that was the night before…well, I don’t know what I was up to. It’s not really important anyway. The point is that I woke up at ten after seven and Elizabeth was supposed to pick me up at eight. I looked in the mirror and…my hair was even on both sides, even though I slept in it! I was amazed. I had to straighten out my bangs a bit, wash my face, put on a little makeup and drink some coffee, and I was ready to go.

We stopped by MacDonald’s for breakfast, and don’t you all just go assuming I didn’t drink more coffee there or anything…that would be ridiculous. We when to Tech, got our advising, I bought my books, and then we went up to Target and Best Buy to look for birthday presents for Michelle. I was about to say what I got for Michelle, but then I remembered she reads my blog sometimes. Um…I also got a new purse finally, because one of the straps on my beloved light brown leather back pack broke, and for some reason the amount of things I keep in my purse has grown since last time I used either of my other purses, so I needed a new one. Thus, a very nice dark brown “leather” purse from Target. I was about to go into a purse crisis, you see. Too small, too big, too shiny and sparkly, too beach bag-ish. But this one is perfect. You know, I should start naming my purses. Hmmm…

I went to the Bradburn’s for lunch where Michelle had prepared some very yummy chicken-thing, with a side of some squash-thing (sorry to totally butcher the names of the dishes, but I can’t remember them…it was great anyways). While she was cooking that, Elizabeth and I looked at some clips on YouTube from “Across the Universe” which is a new movie using Beatles songs for the musical numbers.

I think it would be neat to take the work of some singer or band and make that into a musical. Like they did with Abba in “Mamma Mia.” So today I started thinking about, if I did that, how I would do it, and who I would use. But the thing is that a moment later I realized that I would want to use my own music to go with whatever story I needed the music for. Still, I guess it’s a cool kind of challenge to write a story around existing music, at least for me, anyways. And…that got me thinking that what if I took my own songs and wrote something around them? So I am opening my little binder where I keep most of my finished songs, and the first song, “Understand” is…too wordy and complicated. I don’t know what you think, but songs for musicals shouldn’t be that way. They should be concise and straightforward. Or maybe that’s redundant, but you know what I mean. Second song, “Here” (Rachel J.’s favorite song), is…reflective…you know? I change tenses in this song. No I don’t. There’s just a flashback-thingy. Never mind. Third song, “Residing”, is…longish, but that’s not bad. Actually might work. And actually-actually…it might work better for this thingy I was writing and thinking about turning into a musical that I started writing lyrics for…I don’t know. I like this song though. Fourth song… “Elijah”. Ah, yes…straightforward and concise, no doubt about that. Though not very musical-ish. The fifth song, “Away”, has too much imagery to be in a musical. “Hating One, Loving One, Expecting One”, the sixth song, might work. A monologue kind of thing…yeah. So that’s two so far. The seventh…it really, really, really depends on the context…and that’s a bit more of a personal song anyway. And there’s the part where she’s explaining and the part where she’s talking to the one she’s explaining about. That could be broken up into two songs…oh! To expand “Rockwell”…that would be really cool! I could devise the whole plot around “Rockwell”! Now I’m getting excited. It’s nice to have this blog-thing to brainstorm on. Okay. Three down…or three and a half. “The Freedom In-Between” seems like it could be a good musical song, and it may fit well. Very straightforward. “Time” is even more so…and would work well as well. Five and a half already! Well…now I was just thinking “Sounds of the Morning” and “Questions” were very imagery-laden and wordy songs, but looking at them…they’d make good heartfelt solos. They are kind of alike. Though I guess the only reason I think so is because I wrote them at about the same time. “A Confession” isn’t finished, but it would do for something. This is fun, but now we’re getting into my older depressing stuff. “Forever Winter”…hm…aside from being perfect for a Narnia musical (though no Miss Denmans requested to use it [gee, I wonder why…marketing usually helps]). “Your Own” may be of some good use after all…and “December”. Wow, that’s an interesting song. Not so sure about that. “Leave it at That” is a good musical-type song…if it can be incorporated. I hate “You and Me.” I know it’s Joanna’s favorite song I’ve ever written, but it’s just a musical cliché and I really hate those. But if musical clichés sell, then…whatever. I’ll have to deny myself the pride of writing something ingenious and go for the cash, I guess. So that’s all in that folder. There are a few others I’m working on which may work…well, whatever. Just some stuff to put in my thinker.

After lunch, Elizabeth dropped me off at the pool, where I finally got to spend some time with Elayna. Then…surprise! One of my friends and her mom came to the pool! Marck was a little disappointed because the two brothers in that family couldn’t come. They had come straight from shopping or something, so my friend had to swim in some clothes which dragged a whole lot, but it was all okay. We went diving down to the bottom of the diving pool, and I helped her on her dive and her butterfly. She says my butterfly is as pretty as ballet, and I’m like a graceful serpent moving through the water…*sniffle* *sniffle* *tear*…how…nice…*sniff*. She actually said “snake”, but “serpent” sounds much more romantic, don’t you think?

After Elayna left, my aunt stopped by the pool, and came over to our house afterwards. Haylea shared some brownies with me, and Charlie informed me that he was going to college in Tennessee. EVERYBODY IS GOING TO TENNESSEE. Jeffrey, Micah, and now Charlie. Wonderful. Well, it is nice there. I’d go live there, out in the country somewhere. And I remember there was this really cool science museum in Chattanooga. That’s such a weird name. Weirder than Kalamazoo. I think Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Durham, Knightdale, Zebulon, Wake Forest, and Chapel Hill are very elegant names.

The song in my head right now is “Annie Waits” by Ben Folds. I like that song, FYI.

So, it’s sad. The last thing for summer swim team is this Tuesday. Water polo playoffs, the fun meet, and the awards banquet. Then it’s done. Finished. I’m going to start crying (again)…I hope…oh, yeah. I already talked about this, didn’t I? Well, gee. Maybe I should stop thinking about the end of swim team so much. FOCUS, Jessica. There’s things to be done around here, like…like…AHHHHHHH!!! I am about to GO CRAZY!!! Do you understand what I mean? When you just get a sudden inspiration to get SOMETHING done RIGHT NOW…when you literally get all twitchy and feel like if you don’t do something, for heaven’s sake, you’ll just go absolutely insane and start running around the back yard in a panicked manner, pulling your hair out and stamping it into the ground? That last sentence was actually taken from a dialogue in a book I’m writing…but taken from real life experience originally, anyways. So there. Don’t you ever feel like that? I feel like that approximately every two weeks or so. It is kind of annoying, because it causes me to stay up late even when I need to wake up early the next morning.

I am wondering right now why I am not feeling a giant pang of jealousy, having been informed about a certain person doing something else with a certain other person which this certain person would have rather been doing with one of those said certain people but not the other certain person around. Whichever certain person is excluded except for this certain person, this certain person certainly doesn’t care and hopes those certain persons certainly don’t take this personally. Another certain person may know what this certain person is talking about…but should certainly keep his or her mouth shut, because this certain person should stop talking about this, even though she feels like keeping on. This certain person can sigh all she wants to, and wonder all she wants to, but it’s not going to solve anything, and this certain person says that perhaps the other two certain people simply were certainly not doing anything pertaining to anything which this certain person would rather…oh, never mind. UGH-ness-icity. This certain person is having an attitude and denying everything.

I am not!!!

Hm.

So to end on a more flavorful note, I was thinking about something I cannot remember. Hey, you want another clip from my book? Let me go find something really quickly. Okay, here goes. Try to see if you can guess the inspiration for the following passage:

Jacob and I followed, stopping in the den. While the walls still had dark wood paneling, the shag carpet had obviously been pulled up and replaced with nice, fluffy cream colored carpet. I glanced around, feeling a bit out of place, especially when my eyes fell upon a person who could only have been who Mrs. Madison had indicated was talking to two girls—Jack Madison.

I was instantly enthralled. There was something about his face. It was so average, but stood out somehow. Maybe it was that it was so averaged, and therefore quite perfect. What made it even more perfect was the thick, smooth chin-length light brown hair which framed the perfectly average face. As he sat talking, he moved in a very animated sort of way, and as he did, his hair moved very animatedly with him. I could only seem to think in my head for that moment when
I first laid eyes on him, “Wow, look at his hair…it goes, swish-swish…”

A moment later he looked up, very intently with his animated, yet fixated and stern-like gray eyes, and as he greeted Jacob excitedly I began to feel very shallow for allowing such meaningless thoughts as ones about the movement of a guy’s hair. “Hey, Jake, what’s been happening?”

So, that’s it for now! Sorry to keep you all in suspense about what happens between…well, never mind. You all certainly will not ever know “what’s been happening” with Jacob, now, will you?

Later!
--Jessica