Cruise Control

So, I wonder what is up with me now. I've noticed that this past week or so, I have been in a mood. Or, is it a mood? It is, in all probability, normality: I am set on cruise. Can't stop to pick up extra passengers right now, or to get extra food from the next MacDonald's. Gotta keep trucking down the interstate, towards that destination somewhere at the end of December. That's when I can pull over, get a motel for a little bit, examine my maps and tour books, and make some calls to catch up and get advice from family and friends. From there, I can decide my next course of action.

When in cruise, I can't speed up, either. The limit is a steady 65 mph. Slowing down isn't timely, but, also, if I speed up I miss enjoying the incredibly scenic trip.

I can't know where I am by gazing too far into the distance to try and make it out; I need to just concentrate on what is around me and what I can see. Plus, if I don't follow this, I might find myself lost further up the road, perhaps even without a memory of where I had been before; and where I made the wrong turn.

So that is what I need to be doing. Why, then, do I sit here, blinking and wondering, "What am I supposed to be working for again?"

On the day before a piano lesson, I practice like crazy, all the while swearing I will remember to practice way more next week. I get caught up on work, and then let it sit there while I pretend it doesn't exist...then I get stressed out with having to catch up again, and promise myself I will STAY caught up this time. And I never seem to remember to do everything I'm supposed to, no matter what it is. Because at any given time, all I see is ME and MY thoughts. Or me and my "free time."

I can just see this happening in Oregon. I'll get there, having only planned half of what I should have before I arrived...left...whatever. And I will, without a doubt, seriously hate myself for this. I won't finish my book by the time I am supposed to. And I will not feel like writing some days, so I won't write, though I am supposed to keep going.

I feel like I will always be concentrating on the wrong thing.

Should I just abandon this attempt to concentrate altogether? But, if I do, how am I supposed to get anything done???

Obviously, I have barely ever accomplished anything before, anyway (I know this sounds terrible, but this is a low-self-esteem moment, okay? Okay!). What would "not concentrating" do differently?

*Breathe in* *breathe out*

No. All I need to do is try a different angle on focusing.

Hmmm....I shall be all official and call this "Optimistic Concentration." I'm not sure what it is, but it sounds pretty nifty, doesn't it? It's....it is....the....the opposite of "Obligatory Concentration" (which I also just made up). Yeah, that's it. I don't HAVE to concentrate...I simply want to. I can stop concentrating at any time I please, and go eat ice cream and stare at the stars. And while that sounds lovely, it would not really be beneficial to any great degree. All of my blog entries would be about how dairy relates to astrology....like, take the Milky Way for example...

Yes, this is what I shall do. Optimistic Concentration. So there.

Goodnight all!

~Jessica

Le Papier est Fini!

If you haven't noticed, I've had a little obsession with typing/posting in French.  If it's annoying you, I am sorry.  I just really want to learn more French and I don't have time.  So I am just going with what I know.  That means that if something I want to say happens to translate into French in my brain oh-so-magically, then I will say/write it without much of a doubt (except perhaps on the correct pronunciation....)

So I am done with my last research paper for the semester and I am rejoicing, of course.  Yes, doing the Highland Fling and other dances I am famed for.  I haven't blogged a real blog in a long time.  The last time I told you how I was doing was for that "Tag" thing, and that doesn't really count because there was this thing entailed known as "structure."  I don't like structure.  It bothers me.  Organization is not bad, but structure...I won't even go into how it just messes up things.

So things are about to get drastically different.  I have re-thought my life plan for the 7,000th time since last summer.  Not this summer, just last summer.  I am going to stop having getajobaphobia and I am, instead, going to get a job.  I really want to work at either a bookstore or a pet store.  I am working on a write-up on everything about myself, putting my social security number in big print on the cover page, and giving that package to random people I see in stores.  

Next semester I am not going to go to college.  Every time I sign up for a college class I forget all the negative things like sitting in classrooms, being lectured, writing papers, taking tests, being told what to do, and things like that.  For the rest of my life I am vowing not to make that mistake again.  I DO NOT like being told what to do.  I am going to do what I want...and that is...

1)  Study music theory

2) Study creative writing more intensely

3) Read more books

4) Write more (poetry, stories, etc)

5) Compose more (like, music, you know?)

These would be done when I am not working, of course.  And I am going to use my money to either travel the world, buy myself a house (in North Carolina.......), or as my own marriage dowry or something.   Or maybe just...oh, never mind.  

In other general news, we got our piano tuned yesterday.  It's an understatement that I am quite ecstatic.  We haven't had it tuned since we got it 14 years ago...sad.  So now it sounds next to wonderful.  It's an upright, so it will never sound like a grand, but it's pretty pretty!  Also, Saturday I got to go to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert!  It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!  And that is also an understatement.  I'll be talking about it for the next decade.  :D

I really need to be getting on important things like chores since I haven't done much because I've been working on my paper.  It is a terrible paper.  I will fail the class.  < /low self esteem >  That's okay though!  I really don't care.  I enjoyed it, but what do grades matter when I'm not going to go to college and I am not going to change my mind about going to college???

I will write again soon.  I have to write lots of tiny paper summaries for my classes and study for a couple of finals (ugh...I sound so school-ish...I disgust myself), but I think I will have more time because I don't have to spend so much of it thinking about something I don't want to think about.  Isn't that liberating?  I'm considering re-naming this the Blog of Liberation again!

Anyways, talk to y'all later!

~Jessica

I Feel Rejuvenated!!

So yesterday I went to Wake Tech for my British Literature class. Most of you should know that I have a lot of fun in that class, so you can imagine my great and terrible disappointment when we (Elizabeth B. and me, that is) walked around the corner and there was nobody waiting in front of the classroom. A couple friends walking from the door of the classroom informed Elizabeth and me that the class was cancelled, but to sign the role on the door before leaving. With a great reluctance that only Elizabeth seemed to understand, I drearily signed my name and then stared off into the distance, wondering what to do for the next hour and a half. I was still in quite a slump that I had gotten into Monday morning (the same one that caused me to slackishly skip the morning and then the evening Masters swim practices), so by this time I had officially concluded it was not a Monday thing, but just a "thing" brought upon by some unknown source which cause un-productivity and feelings of meaningless and slight depression...as well as a lack of motivation. I can hear you all going, "Oh...that kind of slump...is 'slump' even the right word?"


Yes, that kind...and I don't know. That's why I'm hearing you all asking whether slump is the right word.


Suddenly it occurred to me as I looked out into the Tobacco-haze that there was a McDonald's up the street and that they had coffee. Good coffee. I suggested this to Elizabeth and she said that perhaps we should go to this other place instead...which has a name that I cannot remember, but it's very like Starbucks. And, preferring the coffee-shop environment to the very plastic-feeling environment at McDonald's, I agreed.


While we were there we got to talking (okay, we were already talking, but once we sat down we started talking about something else) about slumps. Apparently she had been in one, too. So we talked, and decided that the best way to get out of it was to actually do something (a little altering of advice from a couple of Bible studies, the book of Revelations, and Dr. Laura played a little part). So we got our school stuff and made a decision to work on it. So we started discussing Beowulf, and then a friend from Elizabeth's sculpture class came in and we talked a while with her...and then we had to go. But when we got up, everything was different. All that talking about slumps and making official decisions to DO something and not be in them anymore.........made all the difference. We felt great!!!

That morning I had driven with a straight face, staring straight ahead, with the windows cracked and the music on, but not very high. I was bored, and wanted nothing better than to be rid of my brain so I could just stop thinking altogether. After the coffee shop, I rolled the windows all the way down, blasted my music (Nickel Creek, for the record), and completely rocked out. I had to set cruise control so I wouldn't go too fast.....

The rest of my day was spent relatively well. Instead of being in a fog I was Claritin Clear, in a great big bubble of happiness, bouncing around, smiling and singing and feeling so amazingly joyful that I couldn't imagine going back to being in such a funk. Lesse...I wrote a blog for the Quotes Only blog, looked up squash recipes, decided to make up my own recipe instead, went squash-shopping, picked up Marck, Hannah, and Noah from swim (in the mean time speaking for a brief moment to the rest of my homies), came home, experimented with the squash, ate said experiments, decided they were good, but to not put so much sugar on them next time, made a video with Marck, worked on my Beowulf composition (it's sounding better since I'm out of that darned mood and can actually think straight), sat around outside with no point whatsoever but didn't mind, and cleaned up the kitchen. I feel absolutely fantastic.

And there's water polo tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I do believe there's such a thing as over-use of exclaimation points. What are you trying to say?

Testing Using Toxic...

Don't worry...it's just Nickel Creek. AGAIN!!! But I'm going to put a video on here if it's the last thing I do! And Chris Thile is just too funny in this video...