People

JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS - You may continue on the Bubba story. I just wanted to post a new post...

It seems so simple to say – people walk in and out of your life all the time. So why is it so strange sometimes? Why does it feel like there’s forever an empty space there now?

I begin to wonder if it has something to do with taking people for granted. I don’t think anyone just goes around all day saying “Oh my gosh, I cannot believe how great it is that I have these friends around me, my mom here, and my grandpa…life is sooooo good!” Not to say we don’t appreciate these people. But think about if, one day, you just said goodbye and the two of you – best friend, mom, grandpa, whoever – just go your separate ways and never speak to each other again. The parting is not curt, and not the result of a disagreement. Yet it is also not sentimental or thought about as being unwelcome. It’s a simple goodbye, have fun doing such-and-such, maybe we’ll run into each other sometime down the road of life and have lunch.

That just can’t HAPPEN, can it? Why would it? Yet it happens every day to everyone, just usually not with friends who are as close. It’s happened to me before over the years, but especially in this past year. It’s been very hard, because it’s not something I’m used to. It happens more with guys, too, than girls…and it’s not like I can just walk up to them and say, “wow, I’ve had a great time this semester sitting next to you in class. I’m going to miss you. Maybe we can still keep in contact, here’s my number!” I could say that to a girl and nobody would think of it at all, but I just cannot say that to a guy. I wouldn’t mean it as initiating and being forward, but it would come off as that.

Last summer there was a lifeguard at the pool. He was from New York and I was kind of afraid to talk to him (not because he was from New York). I’d talk to the other lifeguards, simply because I’ve known them all my life, but he was the new guy, and (of course) I was afraid that he would think I was initiating something. YES, maybe I assume too much about what other people assume, but don’t you think it’s better to stay on the safe side? One day near the end of the season I walked by his table where he was sitting and sort of guarding (we have very laid back lifeguards), and he was reading “The Pickwick Papers” by Charles Dickens. It turned out he loved Dickens…and I loved that he loved Dickens. Curiosity finally got the better of me on the third-to-last day of the pool, and somehow we talked a lot those last three days. I was fascinated with him. His personality was so…perfect. Everything I imagined, for the most part. But he was so different also. You know what I mean, I guess…he didn’t go about in the “lifestyle” most of us homeschoolers live. Just a typical worldly person in most respects, or something. Nonetheless, I still appreciated him very much. Then, on the last day, we just said goodbye, and I left.

It’s been a while, of course, but something is oddly empty. And it’s happened again. Sort of. Charlie’s gone off to college in Tennessee. He was another lifeguard. He was just always…there at the pool. He wasn’t like the lifeguard from last year, but just that person you partake in small talk with and always think of being there. Then his last day before leaving for school came, we said, “see ya later,” and it was all over. Nothing else.

I’ve concluded that it’s not going to happen to me again, if I can help it. Leaving swim team is really sad. I don’t think I will ever be able to completely let go. I love swimming, and swimming with these particular people. They’re the only people I’ve ever swam with. How could I ever get in the lane with anybody else? I couldn’t possibly do split-lanes and have strange conversations with anybody but Matt, Sean, Kara, Lizzie, Nathan, Noah, and Joel. Joking around with everyone at the meets and when we’re standing around waiting for coach to stop talking to random people around the deck are some of the highlights of my day, week, month, year, and life. The whole team is “my people” to me, if that makes any sense. It just breaks my heart not to be going back. I saw the sign-ups for swim team last week some time and said to myself, “Platinum team…two whole hours…” and imagined it all happening and me not being there. It will still go on. I will, too. Things will just be drastically different. I knew the moment would come eventually. I think, though, I was really in denial of it ever actually coming.

So here it is.

“So what happens now? Where am I going to?”
“Don’t ask anymore…”
~Evita