I have wondered, this past week or so, why I always seem to automatically look at the bright side of things. It wasn't as if a year or two or however long ago I said to myself, "In order to be happier and improve my outlook on life, from now on I will always look at the bright side of any given situation." It just happens; I just do. And I have begun to think that the reason is some combination of events in my life thus far. Vague, huh? Let me try and explain...
When I was very young I would often go to my Grammy and Papa's (and then, Aunt Sue-Sue's) house. Okay, I still do that, but for some reason it seems like I did it more a long time ago. Anyways....whatever the occasion, other relatives would often stop by. They would talk, and I would listen (I wouldn't look like I was listening, but I was, indeed). I picked up on a lot of stuff, but one thing remains most prominent. It was some celebration in the summer, 4th of July or thereabouts, and I was probably five or six. Some guy-cousin or uncle, I can't remember, was explaining some long story to my Grammy as I had come inside the kitchen to cool off for a bit. I can't remember what the story was, exactly, but I remember it being interesting. After he finished telling the story, what my Grammy said next, while I filled up a glass of water at the refrigerator, was what has stuck for the past 13 or 14 years: "Wow...isn't it amazing how God always has a plan to eventually work out even the bad stuff for good?" I meditated on this as I trumped back outside. What if God really did? I might have to wait a long time to find out!
It was a year or two later that I found out that this was a Bible verse (Thanks to Hide Him in Your Heart!), and like I said, it stuck with me. I began noticing little child-like/childish things after a while. Nothing huge, of course. But I was always of the opinion that it was the coolest thing ever! (besides Beanie Babies and Juicy Juice, of course).
I appeared to abandon the idea, however, as I took the rough ride into teenager-hood. From ages 11 1/2 to almost 16, hormones started off on a bad nerve with me. And if life seemed full of despair and desperation for me, I am a thousand percent sure that I made life complete hell for my parents. At about age 14, I distinctly remember taking great pride in my decisive pessimism. I was a pessimist! I got angry about everything! I really did, I am sure of it. After all, I had to walk and talk the talk of my half punk/half grunge-goth "identity." I thought I liked who I was, but in all honesty I have no memories of ever being truly happy and joyful at that time. Every journal entry was mad at somebody because I wasn't allowed to do something, and contained many schemes for rebelling and plans for all I would "accomplish" once I turned 18.
All of that to say firstly that I was horribly discontent and pessimistic, and secondly to apologize to everyone who was close to me during that stage. I am surprised you all stuck it through, and commend you for it!
But I suppose that, by the time I entered my Junior year, I had worn out most all of any pessimism I had been programmed with, besides the little healthy dosage left to make sure my life became dramatic at some points here and there so it remained "interesting." I was far from through being resurrected from the depths of despair, but it was at that time that I joined my current improv group, and made some really good friends on swim team (before that, everyone I knew on the team was just a casual friend). These two amazing groups of Godly people, along with the people I was already friends with at that time (those who stuck it through or stayed anyways, despite my entire existence being flawed at the time), and my wonderful family, dug me out of the hole I was in - by hand - and held me up to towards the Light; towards my heavenly Father. Slowly, but surely, I have been changing for the better, with the help of them. MOST importantly my parents, who never gave up on me and NEVER let me stray off completely to sell my soul to the world.
Now I can see, though, that even as I completely and utterly regret those cursed year, wishing they had never happened, I can see that there are so many things that would not have happened and so many mistakes made later, were my wish to come true. The consequences might be something as horrible as death or causing great shame to my family. I may have gone off to college and fallen too far, without the desire for the help of godly friends or parental influence. I might have never had the amazing opportunity of joining the Unintentionals. Had I not been SO depressed at one point that my mother insist I join the homeschool swim team and swim all my frustrations out, I would not have the greatest group of friends on the entire planet. And so much more!
In other words, where would I be??? The outcome is unimaginable, even for me.
So that, my dear friends (old friends, swim team friends, improv friends, and new friends....I love you all!), is one grand reason I am so entirely optimist all the time. Even though something looks hopeless, I can almost guarantee it is NOT. I wasn't hopeless, was I? I might as well have seemed very much so; the 13-year-old kid who dresses as grungily as she can and looks as angry as possible for her first therapy session in order to attempt to scare the psychologist off? Yup, that is bad. But now I am pretty sure my happiness level is consistently at about 98.5%, nearly all the time. If I am not a miracle (not to sound full of it or anything) then I don't know what is. Thanks so much, everyone, for everything!
~Jessica
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