Morals and Ideals

DISCLAIMER – I know it’s not that late, but I am pretty much brain-dead. If nothing makes sense and/or I don’t stick to what the thesis probably should have been, that is why.

Everyone has their own personal morals that are based, more or less, on their personal worldview. Worldview, I am sure we all know, is developed by what a person is exposed to in life and how they react to it. The oh-so-valid source of Wikipedia states, “[Worldview] refers to the framework of ideas and beliefs through which an individual interprets the world and interacts with it,” and “describes a consistent (to a varying degree) and integral sense of existence and provides a framework for generating, sustaining, and applying knowledge.”

That said, it is to be expected that everyone’s morals are going to differ at least a little from everyone else’s. And, to an extent, I believe that each person’s morals are probably good for that person. I do not feel like that should include sexual immorality or homosexuality, but those are my morals, right? Here we go stepping into that multiple truths thing again, which needn’t be explained again or further.

But, now, I wonder...are some or all of my own morals actual morals, or are they ideals? Would some change depending on the situation?

I wrote an entry about a year and a half ago with similar questions in mind: http://jblog08.blogspot.com/2008/03/compromise-or-contingent.html. And here they pop up again, all out of the blue. I believe it is nice to know that I am not the only me who has struggled with it...I mean, I am glad to know I have struggled with it before. Now, that may sound a little strange, or perhaps even a lot. But the thing is, I had completely forgotten about having ever gone through this before. So to know that it is a weak area that I have worked through before gives me hope that it can be worked through again, hopefully more efficiently (so it does not happen again-again). Also, going back and reading that is already helping me dig deeper into this whole thing.

Like I was saying, morals or ideals?

Ideals are not set in stone, morals probably are. But what do I base morals off of? Ideals!

What morals and all other forms of conduct should be based off of is what the Holy Spirit tells you to do. We are not under the law anymore, so if you are a follower of Christ, you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit then tells us what is right and wrong for us, if we truly seek God, right? So...that is one of the reasons why I say that everyone’s morals are a little different. As far as Christians go, anyway.

But ideals are put in place by me, for myself. But, I have to wonder, are my ideals based on morals? As in, are they good ideals that should be upheld?

Take the concept of saving the first kiss for marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “thou shalt not kisseth thine wife before thou hast taken her as so.” Saving the kiss is a personal choice. Is it a biblical moral? No; it’s not based off of the Bible. Is it a personal moral? I guess that is what you would call it.

But is it an ideal; something possible only in certain situations?

I know some of you are saying yes, and some no. Maybe some of you are momentarily confused like me.

There comes at least one time in every person’s life where they must logically talk themselves out of something they desire greatly. I guess, anyway, what do I know? I’m not even 19 yet.

All I mean to say, in short, is that I am extremely disappointed in myself, because obviously I can talk the talk until I am told I might be required to walk the walk. And I am scared, frankly. I can justify myself with all of this ideals and morals business, but at the end of the day it all comes down to this: what is right and what I long for are two completely different things.

There are only two options – either justify what I long for as being right and just go ahead and do it, or long for something right instead. And you know the latter is what I should do. The decision is so hard; my heart feels ripped in two because of the opposing directions it wants to take.

I just feel so awful right now. Please forgive me for being so hard on myself at this moment, but I really must. All these years I’ve held these ideals and morals. I don’t care how pointless or illogical they are – they are mine and I’ve basically sworn to stand by them, not wishing to make any more mistakes than necessary, especially since I made so many early on. And now, here is God saying “Jessica, have a go at this situation...put your restraint to good practice. I know you can do this!” And here I am saying “Wow, God! This is amazing!! You mean I’m supposed to resist? That’s crazy talk, this is too good to be true!”

I know somewhere or another in the Bible it says that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. So I know I can get through this, I just know it, right? Yes, yes, yes. Will do, Cap’n. Aye, sir!

But it is and will continue to be so easy to give in. Just like it is so easy to jerk the steering wheel a bit to the left on a two-lane road into oncoming traffic. I could do it any time, on purpose, if I impulsively felt like it. And at any second, I could give in to an overwhelming temptation to forgo all my morals and head straight into something else.

I know that if I uphold my morals AND my moralistic ideals, God will bless me in one way or another. I’m not looking for God’s blessing, though; I just know that it will happen. If I don’t uphold my honor...I know the consequences, suffice to say. I often want to ignore the consequences, but I can’t for very long. Especially if they start happening to me.

However, I would like to end on a happy note, so I will make some general comments about life these days other than trying to think straight:

I was recently accepted to a novel writing camp/retreat/intensive thing! I will be leaving all ye North Carolinians behind and going to Oregon for a month to sit in a beach cottage and write a book. It will be in November, so “beach cottage” does not necessarily mean “lovely warm days strolling the beach and feeling the wind in my hair.” It is very unfortunate. However, it’s still the beach...“so much scope for the imagination.” So, yes, I will come back with pages and pages of unrefined bookness and hopefully only a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome. Wish me luck (and pray for me not to miss my planes!!!!!!!)

My swim team went undefeated its second summer in a row! Counting our last four meets that we won 3 summers ago, we are now 16-0. I didn’t think it could get any better than one undefeated season. And it was my last year on the team, too! I don’t like getting old. But at least it was a good season to get old. :)

I read The Phantom of the Opera! Now, that isn’t exactly wowie-zowie news, but I am really excited because it is now my new favorite book. I don’t have favorite books that often...those kinds of books I have to love aaaaaaaalllllllllll the way through and must crave to read them morning to night and while I am asleep...and I must hate when the end comes much too soon. This book met all the criteria of a favorite book. And now I really, REALLY want to go live out my Phantom of the Opera fantasies even more than I already did ever since I saw it for the first time when I was 12. You all know I’ve always wanted to live in Raleigh Memorial Auditorium....

That said, I am going to bed! Goodnight!

~Jessica

Of Weddings (and wanting to have one myself)

Yesterday a friend of mine was married. To a really great guy. Her entire courtship, engagement, and wedding seemed to kind of “hit home” to me more than I thought they would. She is only a few years older than me. I have known her ever since we were little. The guy came from a good family who was friends with her family long before the courtship. My friend had placed her love story in God’s hands, knowing that if she was to be married, the right man would come along and ask her. And he did. All of this made me realize that perhaps marriage isn’t just a dream of mine that will never come true because it is just too wonderful. My friend’s wedding seemed so real for me. Weddings are no longer what “older people have.” It is hard to describe this feeling, but I am sure that at least Lizzie knows how I feel. ;)

The first eleven or so years of my life, I just accepted that one day I would get married to a man. Not a boy, a man. Surely much like my dad (I still hold that ideal, thank you very much). When I turned 12...yeah, you’ve heard that story before. What can I say? I’m only 18 ½, so I only have that many years to draw stories from. But anyway, I started “liking” boys, and thought that the first boy I liked and I would start dating once I told him that I liked him, and then when I graduated from high school we would get married. He was four or five years older than me, and I was a foolish little girl, but that is alright now. A little bit later, around 13 and 14, I was so boy crazy that I didn’t care to see the end of anything. I wanted them to love me, possibly date them, and hope for the best. I didn’t listen to my parents, who were attempting to teach me the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”-ish approach. At least they had the power to say that I could not go on dates, and at least they kept me in their eyesight most of the time. So, yes. That story again. All of it to say that ever since I turned 17, I reverted back to “someday I am going to be married to a man.” Of course, I have had a few ideas of men or almost-men for God to destine for me. And every time I suggest someone he says, “Oh, yes, yes, that is nice,” nods absentmindedly, and gets on with HIS ideas. Like a writer who doesn’t want to take suggestions from his non-writer friends who don’t know how to write stories (I am not pointing any fingers, really!).

But along with the “someday” feelings, I have also felt an urgency to get married now. Have children now. I know, it is my biological clock, but it is a sometimes intolerable longing. It was worry...what if I never get married? What if I need to help God along and go hang out with some nice guys so I can have plenty of future husband options (I can’t decide if that is the stupidest idea I have ever had or not)? Everything was worry, anxiousness, not trusting God at all. I thought I was, but I wasn’t.

However, one night after a Radical Wednesday prayer meeting, some of us went out for subs afterwards, as the curse of being teenagers, athletes, and swimmers on top of that, is a triple-high metabolism than your average Joe (in other words, we are ALWAYS hungry, it seems). Kara and I, after food and drink, were much rejuvenated, so towards the time when we were about to leave, we started carrying on a conversation about life, as we often do. I won’t give you all the details of the conversation, but what I walked away with was her advice, straight from the Bible – “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” She added, “Sometimes, though, by delighting yourself in the Lord, your desires will change. But that is good, because your desires become HIS desires. And if you desire what the Lord wants for you, he WILL give you the desires of your heart!” Light bulb moment.

Since then, day-by-day I have delighted myself more and more in the Lord. He has shown me how to be content with what I am doing, instead of longing for something in the future. There is so much to do NOW, how could I not see it before?

God has not taken away my desire to get married. But he has carefully led me to a place where I know that marriage, for me, is for another time in my life. Soon, but not right now. Not till it is staring me right in the face, in fact. God showed me how to take the desire, put it aside, and focus on what IS in front of me. Working for my dad, helping my mom, writing, music, learning, being with friends, swimming, thinking, EVERYTHING I have at my fingertips right now. Marriage will be at my fingertips when the time comes. And I will know when the time comes, because, like all the things in my life now, I won’t have to seek it out. God will show me. It’s not like I am being lazy, saying “I am just going to sit here and be a religious couch potato till God’s will is right here in front of me.” But I understand that God’s will is something he reveals to me as I keep getting to know him more and more. I will seek his face, and everything else will follow. He wants me to trust him fully, not trust myself and my finding-out-what-life-is-for-on-my-own skills (which, I have discovered, are severely lacking). Every time I try to do something myself, I fail. I mean, it’s not like God cleans my room for me now or something. I do stuff here on earth. But I do it because I am supposed to; because God has made his will clear to me. I’m no prophet, though, of course. I don’t always get it right, and I mess up time and time again. It is so hard to describe this sensation. When I fall back on God, everything is clear and I know instinctively what to do.

It just IS. Does that make any sense?

Proverbs 3:5, 6 – “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

~Jessica

Love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!!!!!

Stupid word.

Really?  I am in it for the chocolate. 

I don't mind Valentine's Day.  I'm no Scrooge like SOME people I know.  But Valentine's Day does get annoying, though I can't place my finger on what it is exactly.  When I was younger (from age twelve to age 15), I mourned the coming of Valentine's Day.  There I was again without somebody to love.  Silly little me.  At age 16, I thought it would be nice to get a rose.  I wasn't sure from whom, but I thought a rose was definitely in order for myself.  I had a dream around that time about a rose received from the man who was to become my husband (in my dream, though I never really saw his face of course), and I got upset that the petals started to dry up; I thought it meant that our love would dry up similarly.  But then the dried petals fell away and revealed a new rose, which was more vibrant, beautiful, and fragrant than the original.  And I guess that meant my Someone and I would live happily ever after, but I don't remember.  Anyways, at at 17 (which was last year), I can't remember.  I have no idea why I can remember something that happened to me two years ago, but not a year ago.  But it's like I've said before at some point...I got short term memory loss when I turned 17.  Hm...*checks blog entries around that time*  *sees some post about ruling over the Platinum lane*  *chuckles to self as she and Nathan were just trying to take over again*  *recalls that whenever there is something to be in charge of or taken over, she and Nathan are always either accomplices or enemies, but both at the top of the food chain, nonetheless*  *wonders at this*  *becomes silent and thoughtful for a moment*  *snaps out of it*

Well, it doesn't matter how I felt last year, I suppose, though I would really like to know, since right now it feels like I am squinting down a black hole of a memory trying to see what was going on, but failing miserably.  This year, however, I view things in a different way.  I guess.  I wouldn't know, but I'm sure I do.  *GASP*  I have GOT to call Elayna back!  *looks at clock*  It's always the wrong time to call her.  Either her family is doing school, I'm supposed to be doing school, I've got somewhere to go, she is eating dinner, I am making messy concoctions in the kitchen (you couldn't recognize the phone after my mom called when I was in the middle of making biscuits the other night).  If you are Elayna and you are reading this and I have not called you back by now, I am VERY sorry because I do keep meaning to.  But as I write this it is late at night and you all are probably going to bed.  

What was I saying?  Oh, yes.  Valentine's Day.

So.  Romance abounds, eh?  Yurp, sounds fun.  I have decided, however, that I do not want to go on a date for Valentine's Day unless:  

a)  It is for the purpose of proposing 

b)  We are already engaged

c)  We are already married

And since I have officially said that now, it would be recommended that whoever my Someone is NOT set Valentine's day to be the day of the proposal, because it would not be a surprise (which I would want it to be, despite not being overly fond of surprises), and also if we started courting....*cough* *sputter* *choke*....trouting in January or even December, it might be wise not to rush into engagement just because of the occasion of Valentine's Day.  And, as a matter-of-fact, I do not want to be proposed to on Valentine's Day.  I don't know why, but I just don't.  So maybe I shouldn't even consider number "a".  

Yes, I said number "a".  Don't panic.

Right now I just want to use Valentine's Day as an excuse to have a fun day to get together with girl friends and eat lots of junk food and watching romance movies, sappy or not.  My vote is for Pride and Prejudice, of course.  The new one...what a lovely movie!  It's just....perfect.  I love the scenery and the music more than anything else.  I wish I lived in England in the eighteenth century.  In the countryside.  And I wish I had a Mr. Darcy.  But that is fine.  

Valentine's Day is such a stupid concept, though.  What is the point?  For the record, every kiss does NOT begin with Kay!  If it did, Kay Jewellers would  have all the money in the world and would rule over all of us.  Would you like a jewellery store to rule over your lives?  I don't think so.  

And another thing......engagement rings.  I'm not staring at them night and day wondering which one will be on my finger.  I don't demand the biggest, most expensive one.  But I do want one.  It is only sensible.  As Elizabeth Elliot's father taught her brothers, a man should not say "I love you" till the engagement ring is on the woman's finger.  It's a symbol of a promise to marry, and I think that symbol is very important.  Again, I am not sure why, but that is what I think.  

Anyways, that's my take on Valentine's Day and the like for now.  

~Jessica    

Practicalities

A friend recently asked whether I liked this guy that I have been hanging out with a lot and if liked me or not.  "Well, it's not really like that," I said.  "What do you mean by that?"  she asked.  I then wondered how I had gotten so good at being vague.  "It's kind of a long story," I said, as we happened to be texting and I happened to be cleaning the house while we were doing so.  "I'll e-mail you later with an explanation."

So I took a very long time carefully thinking out how to explain it, only to find out that she skimmed over it to find the juicy parts (juicy?  No.  And they would have made more sense if she had read the whole e-mail!).  So I decided to post it on here for all ye "we already know about this...no big news or anything" people, in the hopes that you will tell me whether I explained myself well enough and in a way that doesn't sound TOO practical, dull, or rules-ish.  So, here it is:

Okay, here's the deal (like I said, it's a long story, so brace yourself). This is a natural thing for me because I've been brought up on the concept, and so has practically everyone else I know (we, the strange homeschoolers....). But, to put it as simply as I feel I possibly can while still making sense, we (me, this guy-friend, and our friends) see dating as kind of a frivolous thing. Some people do it for fun, other people do it because they like each other, other people do it because they love each other. But rarely is it ever for the purpose of getting married. Sure, you could turn that around and say, "well, you date to see if that person is the right person to marry." But there are problems with that. First of all, why use that particular format of spending time together and therefore get so emotionally attached to someone when it may not last? To have your heart broken? We all know that is absolutely no fun and it hurts just as much, if not more, every time it happens. Second of all, dating is even more pointless when the two people involved are not even close to being prepared for marriage. Referring back to item number one, you become attached to someone, and then what? You can't do anything about it. You can't get married. On top of that, throw in teenage hormones and an underdeveloped cerebral cortex (which, if you haven't taken any psychology courses yet, is the part of the brain which houses impulse control and moral judgment) and you have a GIANT potential mistake waiting to happen. The cerebral cortex is not fully developed usually until around 22 or 23.

 

Of course, a person, can learn to control his or herself in situations like that, which usually requires what I think of as "complete abstinence." That means not just not giving in to temptation, but avoiding anything tempting altogether so that the mind does not even feel an urge of any sort. Physical temptation, emotional temptation....it's all the same really. But a person can control his or her own mind. This means saying "no" to certain things. Things like being in any sort of romantic relationship before one is ready to do something. If you give yourself over emotionally, then what? If you give yourself over physically, then what? Of course, this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, most of whom just live for the moment. But I am thinking of my future husband. Is he going to want to hear of all the guys I gave my heart to? Who I gave any part of my body to? No, because I would not want to hear the same story from him. I want to give my heart only to my husband, and I want him to give his heart only to me. If you think about it, emotional/physical relationships before engagement and marriage are essentially adultery to my future husband. They will sit on my conscience forever, even if I tell him (which I will--I can't lie to my husband).

So you are probably wondering, "how on earth am I supposed to get married if I can't be in a relationship?" and perhaps, "if I were to be in a relationship, I guess I would have to sit there like a cold, heartless statue or something, wouldn't I?" That is where "courtship" comes in. Yeah, it's an old-fashioned term. And the way that this is a lot like arranged marriages may be a turn-off. But here is the concept: A guy and a girl are friends. Maybe just friends who exchange a little conversation here and there during or after church, work, school, or something else like that. Maybe they have a big group of mutual friends and they all hang out together often. Maybe their families are good friends with each other. Or any other situation you can think of. The girl may like the guy, maybe not. Maybe she has never thought about it, but she really likes him as a friend. He more than likely likes her. And it's not for shallow things like looks, but it is really about personality. He has been observing her in her natural habitat(s); observing her interactions with girls, other guys, little kids, older people, and her family. Chances are, she has been observing him in the same areas. In their conversations they have surely found, like any friends do, that they have many things in common, and that they like being around each other. Now, depending both on the age of the two parties involved, as well as the readiness they feel, it may be months or it may be years. In my case I know it will be at least two more years (but that is really beside the point). But one day, when they guy has prayed about it and sought others' opinions on the matter (not just his friends, but also his parents and probably other people who know the girl in mind), he will call up the father and ask to meet him for breakfast somewhere. I mean, it doesn't have to be breakfast, it doesn't have to be a phone call...just minor details. :D But somehow or another, he will get into a conversation with the father, and, once he musters up the courage, he will finally ask to court the daughter. It took my friend's older sister's now-husband three breakfasts with her dad to come out with the question.  Hey, I mean, it's a test of manly courage and things like that.  :) 

Anyways, next comes the courtship part. Firstly, it is important that both his and your families are involved. Secondly, courting is not dating. Courting is spending time together, but not investing in each other emotionally anywhere near as much as you would in a typical dating situation. Let's just say that that is very hard to do. The point of the courtship would be to get to know if the other is really right for a spouse or not. Well, there is no denying that emotion is going to get invested. After all, how are you supposed to hang out with someone (and, often times, that someone's family) with the hopes of getting married soon and be expected to not fall madly in love with each other in that process? That's why emotion and passion are not the main focus, no matter how present they happen to be. What courtship focuses on is practicality and logic about the situation, as well as making sure that God is the center of everything (if you are religious, that is). You probably know from experience that, in love, our first inclinations are to...well, feel love for that person. And feelings are very strong...you should never underestimate them. Thus, a feeling of passion can easily get carried away with itself. If no rules, boundaries, or limitations are set (like Cesar Millan says :P), then of course passion is going to be the center focus. But before the courtship begins, plans are laid out. And guess who gets to be in charge of it and who keeps an eye on the two as the courtship progresses? The parents and siblings! Yes, that sounds like a nightmare to most people, but really....the people who care about you the most and know you best, AND who are NOT emotionally invested in the relationship (or, at least, not nearly as much as you are) are going to be there for you the whole way! And if something doesn't seem right, they will let you know. The reality is that courtships don't always end up in marriage, though it is pretty rare. The reason is that courtship is meant to get to see if that person is right for you to get married to. And sometimes they are not. But most of the time they are, and once the courtship has been going smoothly and you both feel like you are called to marry each other at that time (it could be weeks, months, or years...), then the guy will (with the permission of her dad again, of course) ask the girl to marry him. Once engagement starts, then romance can really step into the picture, emotionally speaking, anyways. But proceeding with caution is necessary, as nothing is final till he and you have been pronounced husband and wife. And once THAT happens, it is officially time to invest in each other emotionally and physically and everythingelseically!!! I hope all this has made sense to you. Please, berate me with questions if it so pleases you. I don't want to leave you scratching your head and wondering when the homeschoolers went mad, if that wasn't what you assumed us to be anyways.  :D

So, yeah....like I've said before, my guy friend is a most amazing friend.  If something happens between us, then that is wonderful.  Now is just not the right time, and if the right time does come, the relationship will not go down like your typical guy-girl relationship you see most often in this culture.  I hope I have explained myself well enough and given you a different perspective that may even be inspirational!

Your friend,

Jessica

 

    

Video of the Week

I'm not sure if you should listen to them....

Relief...

"Don't try to do anything about this. Don't try to make anything happen. Surrender all of your confusion to me and rest assured I will bring you peace. Can't you see I am God? Nothing is impossible with me or in me. It is only when you attempt to do things without me that those things become impossible."

But I'm not trying to do it without you! I want what you want in my life!

"You do not realize it, but you are trying to do it without me. You are worrying too much about who I've chosen for you and how your romantic life is going to happen. In doing that you contradict yourself because you always end up trying to solve the questions and uncertainties yourself now, and you aren't letting me take over and work my wonders on my time......"

YOUR time?? You have all of eternity, and I only have 100 years!

"Don't you think I've carefully thought out your 100 years on earth? Besides, it is not about how your earthly life will turn our...it is how your life will turn out for all the rest of your eternity."

*grumble* I know....

"Now, surrender it all. Be completely honest with me and yourself. When has giving it all to me hurt you before? Something as simple as getting lost in the woods....you tried to find your own way back and you couldn't. But once you put your face down, didn't strain to look ahead and let me lead you home, you got there quickly. Why can't you have that faith in all areas of your life?"

Oh, Marilla...!

What is on my mind...? It has to do with lonely and broken hearts and a deep feeling of dread which is even worse, and possibly the worse most sickening feeling on planet earth. So dread is more of the sort of thing where you're expecting something bad to happen. But it's all dread, really. That deep, sick, nauseous feeling churning about in your stomach when you discover, to your shock, that the person you had fallen for and gotten somewhat attached to and most likely had somehow been led to believe you seriously had a chance with was not just liking somebody else besides you (not as bad; that's not official), but actually going out with that person, in a serious relationship, and the person you fell for didn't even bother to tell you that small detail to prevent your fragile heart from shattering into a million pieces all over the street, some of it being ground into the pavement by cars zooming by, some falling down the drain into the rotten sewer, some of it kicked by pedestrians into the nearby grill where it is seared to perfection in the kitchen, and some of it just laying at your feet, unmoving, but hoping, praying you will pick up its remains and give it a reason to beat again. Sorry for that crazy analogy and very long sentence…heh heh.

I believe I have a very realistic fear of this happening again. It probably will. All I know is God WILL pick up all the remains of my heart, put them back together and give my heart a reason to beat again. But sometimes I have a very slow recovery rate. Maybe I'll just become immune to it. Like, I've been hit in the head with water polo balls, baseballs, basket balls, lamps, and canned food so many times, pain doesn't even pulsate through my brain anymore. So I will just have my heart broken so many times it won't hurt. I'll have a calloused heart.

But if I do, I don't believe I will be capable of loving either, and that would be very bad indeed.
I've underestimated…is that the right word?…underestimated guys before. I've thought surely they were not the "dating type", that maybe they did it the way our family does it. That in a year or two (but these things have happened a year or two ago), he would be then hanging out with me and my family a lot, and then would ask my dad if he could…you know, court me until marriage. He'd be like an older brother to me and my siblings, a friend to my dad and a chivalrous, sweet older son to my mom. In India both families are so involved in the relationship, in the wedding, everything. They even consider marriage a union of two families, not just a union of a man and a woman alone. Well, of course, they set it up. Marriages are arranged there, we all know that. But I think that's a wonderful notion, because from the very beginning, everyone is on the same exact page. I like that. Here in America, kids just want to do what they want to do, and there's conflict between the in-laws, and the kids move away and never see their parents…it's all about being independent here. But I love my family, I want to love my husband's family, and I want him to feel the same way. Now I sound all hippie-ish…"where's the love, man?" But seriously…

So I decided I am going to move to India with my family…okay, not really. Christians are kind of scarce there.

So I assume that these "potential boyfriend/fiance/husband" guys who I meet are like that (what, because they are homeschooled and/or Christians?), and I envision these things happening, and get to know the guy and he's nice. But then I find out one of two things: Either--he's interested, but only in me. Wants to spend time with me…alone. Wants to avoid my family as much as possible. Backs out on going to the movies, just because my mom or brother wants to come along. Eventually gives up and moves on with life without telling me. That's one scenario. The other is that as our friendship grows, it all starts to seem real promising…until I find out I didn't know him at all, and get the word from somebody else that he has a girlfriend, has had a girlfriend for a month or so, and maybe even has had multiple steamy relationships with other girls in the past.

The worst of all, though, is when I was originally right about the guy. He was like me. He was going to be that kind of person who came over to my house for dinner, talked with my dad about real estate and sudoku, helped my mom and me clean up the kitchen afterwards, and played a board game with my brothers and me into the night till he really needed to be going home, and I would go over to his house (on a different night, of course) and do the same thing (except he and his sister would drive me home, and he would walk me up to my porch and squeeze my hand goodnight). But as our friendship grows, something about him changes, and it has nothing to do with me. Pretty soon I probably find out from his sister that he's dating...like, "worldly" kind of dating, some other girl. Some other girl who wasn't brought up with any relational foundations his family and my family focused on, and he's basically compromising all he's ever been brought up to do to be in this exciting relationship with this exciting girl. That's where the deep, sickening feeling of despair comes into play in it's meanest and most heart wrenching form. It's betrayal, really.

That sort of dating seems attractive to me, too, you know. But I know that if I dread seeing it happen to any brother-like guy I know and love like that, then I know that any of those brother-like guys would be filled with that same sense of despair if I suddenly turned from everything I had been brought up to do to go out with some "exciting" guy. That's why I have to remind myself from time to time not to fall under the spell of that game. It's just not the way I will ultimately want things to turn out. And by participating in something like that now, I am just getting further away from any guys who are really worth it.

Now I am just sitting here sadly reflecting.

Well, I should go eat breakfast or something.

Love, peace, and joy…
--Jessica

A Vulnerable Heart

One moment please. Before I get into what I did yesterday, I should tell you what I did the night before (not watching Sweeny Todd, Nathan...), which was talk to Allison till 2:30 in the morning. One of the conversations we somehow got into was about guys and their unwillingness to be the initiators. As you all may know, this makes me mad. She has a link on her blog (that's a link back there, BTW) to an article that just says everything I've been pathetically trying to say on that matter. Anyway, on to other things...

Yesterday morning, thought I didn't feel like doing anything, I figured I should do something, and I really felt like getting out there in my grandma's neighborhood again, listening to "Love Grows (Where my Rosemary Goes)" and breathing in the fresh morning air as the sun comes up on the horizon and the air gathers humidity. It's all so beautiful. Yesterday the first song on my iPod was "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. It was just really invigorating to run to that song. It's a song about life, about living in the moment, about striving to go on. I know I sound really sentimental, but it is really a great running song.

After my run yesterday I took a shower and ate breakfast. Wow, I know, really eventful morning there, eh? Yeah. After that, I typed a couple songs in my computer (I wrote a new one called Elijah, but I can't remember if I told you that or not). Elijah will one day hopefully not just be a beautiful song, but a message for guys and gals of all ages. See, it's about what goes through a woman's mind after a painful breakup. All breakups are painful, but this one is more like…you know, the guy has broken up with her and/or moved on to someone else. A woman's heart is so vulnerable at that time, and usually for a long time afterwards. Men don't realize, I don't think. I mean, guys get sensitive about that, too. But maybe it's just that their heart are not vulnerable or confused or anything. They probably don't automatically cling to the first girl to declare love for him after the breakup. In "Elijah", the girl is very hurt. She sees how he acts with his new girlfriend, and knows what happens even when she's not looking, because of what she and Elijah used to do together. In the chorus she says she'll always love him, now and when he comes back to her (which he won't, of course), and tells him how much she feels she needs him, and asks when he will realize that. In the bridge she finally questions her rationality in the area of the whole breakup ordeal. She seems to come to a realization--he's just a "player", moving from girl to girl to girl. The second part of the bridge, she then questions what she did wrong, and why he couldn't have just stayed with her. I was just going to leave it at the bridge, and not repeat the chorus, but I changed my mind, because it really ties the emotional-roller-coaster-spinning-around-in-circles thing that goes on inside a girl's head, and leaving her very confused. Because even though she realizes he seems to have played her, and then you know in the second part where she starts questioning her own "love worthiness", it ties it all together in a confused way--she still loves him, and would still have him if he ever came back for her.

It's sad, really. But the thing is that when I see this sort of thing happening over and over again within other girls, I start getting haughty and holier-than-thou and I believe I'm better than them. I would never let my emotions run away so much like that. I would never keep falling for such a terrible guy. I would never be so throw-myself-at-him kind of attached like that. And yet I know I just seem programmed to do that sort of thing. Girls are really sensitive, I guess. Girls long for closeness, for protection, for that special man to hold them when they are sad and afraid. Well, after breakups, girls are even more sad and afraid than normal (ha...I guess), and now they have no one to comfort them with kind words spoken in a soft, deep voice, and no big, warm arms to wrap around them and pull them in close. No long, coarse finger to reach up and dry tears, no one to sit, listen and nod affirmatively when they want to spill the whole terrible story. In essence, she is sad, and now he's not even there. And she wants him there, and she will do anything to get him back so she can feel close to him again. But he doesn't want her back, and she's just making it worse on any friendship they may have by being this way. Her heart becomes even more vulnerable, and soon it will simply throw itself at any guy; she'll wear her heart on her sleeve and search for someone, ANYONE, to get close to, and if she finds someone, it will move too fast. She will move it along too fast. Then that guy's gone, and soon the girl doesn't know who she is anymore. I am not talking from direct experience, but observation over my short seventeen and three quarter years.

So I feel this way, there's no denying. I don't right now, but I have to a degree, and I know as a woman I am perfectly capable of it. It's a very dangerous thing to feel. If a relationship is going to end, best to end it on very good and non-heartbreaking terms. However, if the guy's a jerk and that's impossible, I think every female needs to understand what worse things could happen if they don't keep a reign on their emotions. I don't want any sort of breakup to happen to me, but I need to learn now that if it does, I need to be aware of what I will inevitably be going through...

ELIJAH
A song from a vulnerable heart
By Jessica Claire Barker

I saw the way you
Danced with her
On that moonless night

I saw the way you
Held her hand
And told her it’s alright

Elijah, I love you
Always, till you come back
Elijah, I need you
When will you realize that?

I know the way you
Kiss her lips
Like you once kissed me

I know the way you
Sing to her
As you once sang to me

Is it all the same to you?
You live each of your romances through
Again and again
Or was I just not good enough?
Not worthy of all that love
You had to give…

-Jessica

What is Moral?

This is in answer to a question Chris asked on his blog which I, being such a global thinker, answered slightly incorrectly and then realized what I did only three or four paragraphs later...

So, I think the question is really what do I consider immoral? I mean, I think it's always easier to say what not to do than what you can do, in any situation because what you can do is endless, seemingly. So as long as you know what you can't do (and you don't do it), then you can go about your business doing everything else. There, I said it.

Immoral...means things like having sex before marriage, doing sex-like things before marriage (and where do you draw the line? Good question! Therefore, don't do anything...). Killing people is bad, we all know that. Cheating on your spouse is bad. Why develop a habit of doing it by cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend now? Cheating in general is bad, really. Your genius is your own and if you don't got nothin' in that area I guess you'd better do something about it, or work with what you have. It's good to love the people around you. Or at least appreciate them. Don't hate everyone you run into. And being amiable is a good thing.

What is moral is a matter of opinion. Everyone can decide for himself or herself what is right and wrong. Some people choose to follow the Bible or some other book. But I believe that Common Law should at least be followed, because a lot of "immoral" things would be banned if we just went back to that. "1. Do all you have agreed to do. 2. Do not encroach on other people or their property." The government doesn't even exist with that law anymore, and won't because...well, they ARE the government, after all. Who can stop them?

Sex before marriage doesn't really fit as being something against Common Law. Unless it's rape, but that's a different sort of thing. I mean, I guess you could say that since a man and a woman aren't legally bound in marriage, the man and woman would be encroaching on each others' bodies. OR that, as in most cases, those who have sex before marriage do it noncommittal a lot of the times. That leads to broken hearts, which leads to the broken law #1 of Common Law. However, neither one of those is a very sound argument, so I'll leave Common Law out of this.

To me, it just seems like a silly idea. Every once and a while I come up with really good reasons which would apply to anybody and not just Christians, but then somehow I forget them because I don't need that sort of justification, I guess. They are REALLY good reasons, I assure you. I just can't remember them right now. Or maybe I just get too swept up in all the world's reasons why it's okay to sleep around, blah blah blah, and all I know to do is hold fast to Christianity and my purity. It's important! It's special! It's as far as you can go, so why do it with everyone, why not save it for the one you're going to be with forever?!?!?!?

Yeah, that's it. I remembered now.

Even not littering is a moral. I don't do it because...well, the only time I think of doing it is when I have a sticky apple core that I'm eating in the car. But I don't want to look silly throwing it out the window, even if it is biodegradable. And what if it misses the side of the road and flies back and hits the windshield of the person behind me? Yeah, I don't like making people angry, at least that way, anyway.

So, does that answer the question? "Somewhat," you're probably saying. And you'll probably ask more questions in the comments, which is okay.

And for the record, I don't think chivalry is dead. I think some people wrongly assume it is, but those people can just go along their merry ways, and I'll just go about mine.

~Jessica

What Else...?!

I don't know. I'm just so confused. I get that way, you know. And maybe somehow I've become..."comfortable" that way...? That's even more confusing.

Usually when I'm in certain moods, I know there are types of songs or just music in general I feel like listening to. You know, Motley Crue/G&R moods, lovey-dovey song moods, I-hate-you song moods, totally awesome music moods, Christian music moods, Gavin DeGraw moods, and peaceful and serene moods. It's very frustrating to be in some sort of mood where I don't know what kind of music to listen to for it!!! The closest I can come to is somewhere like the Braveheart soundtrack or some sort of...well, I don't know. It just doesn't work. My mom says I'm in a funk, but I don't like funk music...ha ha ha ha ha, huh? Right. Anyway, so I don't know. I've now come to the point where I rant a lot about what my problems seem to be with the hopes at arriving at some grand conclusion at the end of the entry:

So, say there is this girl named...um...Romilly. A nice name, very British, and the name of Emma Watson's daughter, and Emma Watson is British, so we're all set. She doesn't live in England or anything (the girl named Romilly, that is), but in Raleigh, North Carolina. Now, this girl, whose name commonly gets shortened to Rom by her friends, and, for the sake of the person typing this, will be used from here on forward and onward, has two friends, who happen to be boys. The first one's name is Elijah, because I like that name, and the second one's name is Caleb, because I also like that name. Quite FASCINATING, isn't it??? Wonderful. Beautiful. Glorious, b'gorious, amazing, inspirational, sensational...yeah, on with the story...

So Rom is in a bit of a tough spot. She really shouldn't be, being 17 and all, but somehow she couldn't help it, and so ended up...yeah, in a tough spot. You see, the tough spot happens to be somewhat of the doings of Elijah and Caleb. "What could they have possibly done to upset and confuse such a poor little girl who hasn't even quite graduated from highschool?" you might ask. Well, I suppose it will come out eventually. You see, Rom is torn, and for good reason. Elijah is nice, but not...well, she could never quite figure out whether she liked him or not. There was a bit of time within the past couple of months where Rom has sworn that she liked him against her will (there is NO double meaning in that!! For those of you who get that, anyway), but still...well, anyway. The thing is, Elijah for a little while has seemed to really like her, at least that is what she's come to expect, and they have become even moderately close, though she on her guard the entire time.

But then there is Caleb, who personality-wise is the exact opposite of Elijah. He was raised in a similar way to Rom (unlike Elijah, who was certainly not), and is one of those "perfect" guys. Not perfect in the sense of being flawless, but perfect, as in he is much better suited for a person like her. On a recent evaluation of her feelings, Rom has decided that she prefers Caleb above them all. Not in regards to how romantic he may be, but in terms of who, were she thinking sensibly and possibly as someone who is not herself, would be a husband of good character and a good father, etc, etc, etc. Then she thought, maybe it wasn't just Caleb himself, but the basic character and background of Caleb, someone who was like him in the respects of not being so much like Elijah. But why, then, did she like Elijah so much? Or did she?

Rom became very confused as all these thoughts in her head became more and more jumbled. So here is an excerpt from "her diary" to make it easier for the equally confused narrator to say what she is trying to say:

So, I don't know. In fact, I have no idea, and cannot see to the end of this to see if I ever will. And that just frustrates me, I can assure you. *attempts to not sound Jane Austen-ish* *clears throat, begins again* Here we go: Caleb is the ideal husband, Elijah is fun and thrilling. That's not to say Caleb isn't ever fun. In fact, he's quite hilarious, and at least he's not too much of an ever flowing fountain of useless information as most boys are, including Elijah. By the way, I think Elijah is ridiculous. So how can I be drawn to him? Is it the encouragement on his side, where I seem to get none of the sort on Calebs side? At least I know Caleb has a good reason, but maybe that is what I want after all.

Another thing I wonder and worry about is the level I am on with each of them. Being a girl, friendships are important, and I'm sure we all take the time to examine where each of our relationships are at certain times. So I am left to wonder what has become of me? Why is it the boy that doesn't deserve to know so much about me, I am most comfortable with and have made known certain things, as well as just been able to be myself around, while the other boy, with whom I am friendly but not so much in that respect, hardly knows who I really am? I desperately wish it were switched. I act so much differently in each situation. Why why why why why why why why...I don't know. I need to seperate those whys with commas, but I'm too lazy to go back and do it. Oh for GOODNESS SAKE, somebody HELP!!! It is so overwhelmingly confusing, and I can't stop thinking about it for long periods of time, anyway. And so I think that if Caleb knew who I actually was, then he would like me as Elijah does, because Elijah knows for the most part. And so I want to let Caleb know, and in that process I seem to make myself look more like the person he thinks I am, because I feel like I must let him know at once, because I don't want him to have a distorted impression any longer, but it doesn't bloody work, and then I get really frustrated (again) and being to write run-on sentences expressing my resentment and anger at myself.

I don't really want to outright declare who I am, anyway. I'd rather someone wish to find out for themselves, and want to dig deeper and deeper into whoever I happen to be. So there are many layers. Maybe Caleb sees one SIDE of me, and Elijah sees another. But I can just tell that that one side is all Caleb sees me as. That's apparently all there is to me. And why do I act so outspoken and crazy anyways? I'm not. I like sitting and reading books and being quiet and listening. I want to find out about people. I mean, when I have something to say or have gone a while and haven't said anything to anybody about something that really needs to come out because I've been keeping whatever it is in too long (sorry Lizzie and Sarah...I know I talk too much, but you always seem to be around when the above happens). And just because I run my mouth a lot during those times doesn't mean that I don't want to listen. I do. And it doesn't mean that those specitfic people I talk to don't interest me enough to provoke me to listen to them. But that's a bit off topic.

Maybe I'm not sure who the heck I am. Or maybe I am everything. I guess I should just believe that I'm everything that comes out of me. I'm not something which I must mold everything I say to fit whoever I am. I am who I am by what I say and what I do, because it all began as a thought in my head, whether I remember consciously thinking about it at all. There's no personality profile I must stick to. So then why in the world am I so darn frustrated?????

I don't know, um, Romilly. I'm confused too...

I really hate this. I've written quite enough for anybody to be sick of reading, and all I have done is draw some itty-bitty conclusion about something I probably already drew a conclusion about before and already forgot, which I guess makes everything more frustrating. I just don't know what to think, what to do, when to be quiet and when to speak up. I want to make someone want me so bad, but I accidently transferred all I should be doing around him to whoever I am when I am around someone else, whose affections I don't really care if I have. Why? I DON'T KNOW, GOSH DARN IT. STOP ASKING THAT STUPID QUESTION TILL I TELL YOU I CAN COME UP WITH A SUFFICIENT ANSWER. So there.

Well, in that case, if anyone has any music reccomendations, it would be greatly appreciated.

~Jessica or Romilly or whoever...

Compromise or Contingent?

I have rendered myself a very confused person. I cannot seem to get my thoughts straight anymore, and I am left wondering which thoughts are really mine and which ones are from the brain of that “Other Me.”

I believe there is a three-way war inside of me. There are the things my brain wants, the things my heart wants, and desires that come from some strange, unknown source which I’d rather just get rid of. My heart says I’ve fallen in love, my brain says that’s utterly ridiculous, and the foreign desires say that if it is love, surely said FDs (foreign desires) would be quite satisfied in areas of emotional and physical intimacy. My brain says to ignore these things now as they only will mess things up later, my heart starts to agree with the FD that emotional intimacy would be kind of nice, and the FDs start some strange rant about how everything’s really okay, as long as I stand my ground at certain points. My brain, for a moment, starts justifying what the FD says for a moment, and then snaps back into being brain-ish, my heart says, “Oh, just listen to music, that will make you feel better,” and happily flutters away as romantic music plays, and the FDs begin to imagine all possible ways things could “go about.” My brain says, “Let’s listen to ‘Love Song’ by Sarah Bareilles (SP?!?!?).” My heart says, “Gee, that’s not very romantic.” The FDs quickly conjure up some fantasy of me singing the song and him loving me anyway. My brain tells the FDs to back off, my heart crosses its eyes in frustration, the FDs go talk to my cross-eyed heart and tell it everything is okay. My heart wants to side with my brain, but also agrees with the FDs, and so my brain and the FDs have a giant dispute over ownership of my heart. My heart, on the other hand, would like to just think for itself, thank you very much, but apparently it really can’t. It’s got to either be all-sensible or all-stupid, it seems. Why can’t it be somewhere in the middle, on its own ground, thinking its own thoughts and—

LOOK OUT!! FLYING UTENSILS!!—

Anyway, nothing has calmed down yet. And somehow I, another separate entity, am left wondering how the actual object of my affection figures into all of this. No matter, I suppose. I should deal with myselves first.

I am just afraid. I mean, I am afraid of things not turning out like they should. I have my ideas of how people should go about having a relationship—but it doesn’t always work like that, does it? If it did, pious, courting-only missionaries would be the only people married these days. Not everyone has to be like a romantic story from an Elizabeth Elliot book. That’s not to say that she doesn’t have good points about romance or anything.

I just don’t want to get ahead of myself. But I think by not wanting to I actually am, in a sense. I come up with all these “rules” that potential suitors must follow. Things like, “he has to ask my dad before even revealing his feelings to me” and “I won’t let him touch me till we’re married” and “I don’t want to get into a relationship till I am 25.” Those are just the few I can think of right now. There are more, but there are so many and most of them are so completely ridiculous…like, “our relationship must consist of him visiting me after work and us talking for an hour over ice cream” or something like that.

It all comes down to that whole romantic ideals thing again. My “rules” and “ideas” about how all guy-girl relationships should be are just more sets of romantic ideals. I hear stories about how other people did the Godly relationship thing, and I think that it can only work out that way, so I should only do it that way, and if life seems to be going differently, I should grab it and set it down on the path of the “better” way. I idealize the perfect relationship.

First of all, no relationship is perfect. Someone is going to get hurt. Even if that hurt gets patched up, it still hurts. It still happened. But you know what? Accidents happen. They are basically unavoidable.

I don’t want to compromise myself. I am afraid of doing so. But what am I compromising? A “perfect” relationship? Well, then, I suppose I’ll end up an old maid.

I just know that God wouldn’t let me get into something like that that he didn’t think I couldn’t be strong in. I worry about weaknesses, but He keeps me strong. I am probably weaker in the imagination than in real life anyway.

Well, we’ll see.

~Jessica

Romantic Ideals

I know this is a long entry (as usual). Please bear with me, as I have something important to address. Well, I think it’s important, anyway.

I’ve been meaning to blog for a while and I haven’t. But that’s a good thing. A couple of days ago I just got really frustrated, and I was going to blog about that frustration, but now things have cooled down on my part and I’m seeing the other side of it—the unfortunate cause of my discontentedness.

You see, I was going to blog about how I think every guy on the planet should be like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, and how, not meaning to be a diva, I get quite frustrated when I constantly encounter “men” these days who aren’t chivalrous, or who are but only when their friends are not present to…what? Ridicule them? Is it silly, then, to be a gentleman? I hope not. My rant which was scheduled to be written was much more heated than this little summary, and I really don’t think it’s best that I get into it.

However, I will talk about my thoughts about why I have been sulking in misery for the past…well, ever since Monday or so. The whole speculation that every man in this world should be like Mr. Darcy is derived from lust, I guess you could say. Most guys lust about sex a lot, right? Girls really aren’t so partial to those types of thoughts, but they do have emotional lusts. Our lusts usually involve romance, the type of which that is usually idealized in our lovely chick-flicks we love to watch. I am surely making a generalization, but it is true that in most cases, women love to watch and read romance. It gives us little butterflies inside our stomachs, makes our hearts flutter, makes us sigh about “how sweet” it all is and…as a result…makes us severely discontent.

This is not to say men are not romantic. However, if anybody out there wants some tips on winning ladies over, just read or watch some Jane Austin stuff, and then do what the guys in the movies/books do! It’s really that simple. You see, when men try to write romance, it just doesn’t give girls butterflies. So, in Nicholas Nickleby, Nicholas falls in love with Madeline Bray and…well, somehow they are very shy and get set up by the twins and everything falls into place and perhaps they have one philosophical discussion. Never once during that whole book did I react in the ways I described earlier as the ways women respond to romanticism. Wherefore, while Charles Dickens was romantic enough to include the part where Nicholas courts a girl, he was not romantic enough to write it romantically.

Jane Austen, on the other hand, is very skilled at making sure that a woman’s heart is most certainly palpitating nearly the entirety of a novel, or movie of her novel(s). Why is she? Because, like most women, she idealizes romance. Women have this strange little skill of analyzing situations involving lovers (either themselves or other people which they pretend are themselves), and imagine millions of possibilities of directions that the relationship could go, and the most romantic way for it to get there. I suppose guys don’t really do that, which is sad…but completely OKAY [!!!] because I’ve stopped complaining about guys and how uncivilized and inconsiderate they can be! Anyhooness (just for the record, they can be magnificent and wonderful as well), if guys thought the same way as girls, we’d all probably blow up or something because we’d all think the same thing, and then we’d all be the same and so really, why would we all need to be here? So we’d all blow up and leave one person all alone to…well, enough right now about all my many theories about how everyone will blow up, and what will happen directly thereafter.

Girls and women and ladies, when they idealize romance, wish for it to happen to them. Hence the fantasizing about how romantic encounters might progress (even if those girls know *gulp* quite well that they are not supposed to be thinking about boys or going out with them right now…). This makes them very discontent, and then they don’t realize it when real love stares them right in the face. Like Anne in Anne of Green Gables. She read all the time about nights and fair maidens and the like, and always had her fantasies of a tall, dark, handsome, and possibly rich knight in shining armor to come to Green Gables in a valiant manner and ask her to marry him, and then they would go live in his castle, where she would roam the grounds all day reading and writing. Gosh darn it, don’t we all want that? Anyway, when Gilbert proposes for the first time, she refuses him, saying they cannot possibly be more than friends. Gilbert’s not…well, refer to the description of Anne’s ideal earlier in this paragraph. He’s just not. But Anne finally comes to her senses and they get married and live happily ever after.

Even that’s fiction, and an idealized view of romance. OH BOTHERATION. O spite!

So it seems as if these fictional accounts of romance are forever stuck in my brain, ready for me to refer myself to if I ever want to construct my own ideal love story. Hooray (*waves wilted party favor around in the air*). I just think it’s so sweet (yes, here we go again with the sighing) that Mr. Darcy loved Elizabeth like he does, and still loved her even though she seemed to hate him, and then she started to love him, and then in the new version she goes outside in the beautiful English countryside and stands on the bridge, and it is dawn and she sees Mr. Darcy walking through the wet green grass as the sun begins to pour a couple rays over the layer of mist, and as the beautiful music that lets you know that this is the big romantic scene plays, Mr. Darcy’s long coat flaps behind him in the early morning breeze like a cape, and his shirt is unbuttoned at the top so he is just the vision of the perfect romantic suitor! And, even though he knows they are entirely alone, he stays at a respectful distance and explains and apologizes and re-declares his love and proposes again in the sweetest way where you just get tears in your eyes as he struggles over his timidity and says, “I love…love…I love you, and never wish to be parted from you from this day forward.” You start trembling with excitement because THIS IS IT!!! SHE’S GOING TO SAY YES!!! And then she walks over to him and they don’t even kiss, but instead just stand there as she warms his hands in his and they stare deep into one another’s eyes and you know they both cannot be thinking anything except how happy they are, and the sun spills through between them in what I think it is a really cool shot…*BIG SIGH* Oh-My-Goodness, it is just the most tempting thing to think that falling in love is always like that, and that in order for it to be truly romantic the scenery and costumes has to be exactly as it is in that movie (not the boring black-and-white garden like in the old one), etc, etc, etc.

Well, it’s not. And that’s not to say that falling in love isn’t extremely wonderful, because God made love and romance for a reason. But not everyone, as a matter-of-fact, no one, gets to be a character in a Jane Austen book (unless they are an actor, but that doesn’t count). It is hard not to give into fantasies, because it is not only hindering to the soul, but a very big waste of time. Anyway, God will bring about my own beautiful romance (that He’s written for me already!) when the time is right (please—at least not until after I graduate highschool—can’t…hold…one…more…thing!! *collapses as she realizes that she’s working on a blog instead of working on school*), and I should not even bother myself, distract myself, or anything-else myself with romantic notions till that time is here. Does that mean holding off on my indulgence in romantic movies and books? Possibly. I do enjoy other things, you know. It’s not as if I will be at a real loss. Especially at a loss of things to do. Speaking of which, I really must go now…ta ta!

~Jessica

The Non-Dater

A few weeks ago, I wrote a letter to that “Ask Amy” lady in the newspaper. It was actually offering advice for a 14-year-old girl that had written in…well, I’ll just post my letter here:

Dear Amy,

I’m writing in response to “Troubled Teen”, whose mom won’t let her date till she is 18.
I am a rising highschool senior, and there are several reasons I don’t date. Reason number one is that my parents don’t let me.
I fought back about that before, and even had a couple of guys you may call, “boyfriends” that I never went out with. Finally, around October last year, I got my bearings and slowly began to come up with more reasons not to date till I’m older.
The second reason is that I read a while ago that the front part of the brain, which is the area that houses impulse control and moral judgment, is not fully developed until the early 20’s. This way I know that, no matter how mature I think I have gotten, I simply could not really, truly trust myself in a romantic endeavor at the age of 17.
The third reason is that dating is distracting. Right now is the time to make friends with boys AND girls, building good, healthy, solid friendships, as well as racking up that highschool transcript.
The fourth reason is, why date now? I can’t get married now. I cannot commit myself to anyone that way at all right now, and probably won’t till I get out of college. So what’s the point of “going steady” with someone with whom I will probably not be marrying? Fun? Popularity? Heartbreak?
You may not find my reasons very reasonable, but nonetheless I thought that it might help to hear it from an experienced, “non-dater”. Not dating, in my opinion, gives me a chance to enjoy my teenage years for what they are instead of pretending I’m older and mature enough to be dating. And I really think I’m happiest this way. So are my parents.

Sincerely,
“Non-Dater”

So I don’t really know if she got it yet, or if she is going to print it (it IS kind of long), because (obviously) it has not been printed. But I thought that I would put it here, just incase no one ever sees it. I don’t know. Thought it would make an interesting and conclusive entry. Okay…gotta go eat lunch now, bye!

Cordially,
~Jessica

Song of the Day: “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin

Quote of the Day: *Marck hums “Waltz of the Flowers” as Luke Skywalker and a Stormtrooper dance in a LEGO movie he made when he was six and we just watched today and I cracked up over his note-by-note humming*

Not really a quote but I don’t care.