I feel like I need to rethink everything. You know, I've probably said a thousand times before that I thought I would have everything figured out by the time I turned eighteen. My life would all be in place, I will have decided what to do, I would be doing it, I would be successful doing that something that I was supposed to be doing….etc, etc, etc. And it's very annoying how I am not like that at all. Basically, if you think about it (not too hard, of course), I am a loser. I am unaccomplished because I…well, haven't accomplished much. I know I can. I know it's possible and I have the potential. But there's something…well, a lot of things that I perceive as holding me back. The thing is, I don't think I realize it. I'm still a little kid. It feels funny to say, but I really admire my friend because in a lot of ways he's older than me. Sure, he's almost a year and a half younger than me, but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Maturity-wise, most of the things about him are just older. And it's not fair. I look at him and say, "wow, he'd be much better at being eighteen than I am, and I'd be better at being 16." Did I mention it's not fair? I should be being confused about life at 16, and then in a year and a half I will have been sufficiently confused for a long enough time to conclude what I want to do and do it. INSTEAD, I was confused when I was 16 but apparently had not been confused long enough, because before then I didn't even realize that eventually I would have to grow up and pick something to do, and that it just didn't come by existing in my little world.
Don't get me wrong. I have a variety of interests and talents. I used to wonder, and now I've remembered that I wondered it and thus wonder it all over again, whether it was better to be extremely great at one or two things, or moderately good at many, many different things. And that doesn't even mean that I'm good at everything I do. What stumps me is that I expect to be able to do everything and then I run across something I cannot do (which happens a lot), as much as I want to, and then I feel like a failure at everything and have an urge to crawl into a little hole despite the possibility of feeling extremely claustrophobic.
So my friend says I'm a "Jane of all trades, particularly artistic ones." Well, after that compliment, I didn't know what to say. But before that I had told him about how I admire how he sticks to stuff. He has two main interests: Law and music, mainly piano. He swims and plays water polo some, and works so he can have money to pursue his interests. But he's very concentrated (no, not like orange juice, in case you were wondering). I am very jealous. I guess if I ever went to public school I would have been labeled ADD…I'm glad I never was in school, and I'm glad I never got a label like that. But I just have a terrible time sticking to anything. Thus, the whole "loser" label I keep giving myself. It's awful, I know. I don't really have such a low self-esteem. I guess this is actually just between me and myself, and how I just feel back being around myself. But now it's like I feel it's leaking out into public because now all my friends are concentrated and working on their life goals and stuff, and I still don't know what I want.
So I'm going to take that time to do some examination of me. I know, that's sounds so narcissistic, but I really need to do this. I hate thinking under pressure, but here we go anyways.
What do I really feel like I want in life? I want to be a wife and a mother. "That's the first time I've heard someone say that," Ken laughed on Tuesday at Wake Tech. I guess he was just surprised, not mocking me. But still, it was the first time I kind of felt funny for saying that. Still, what are the chances I will actually get married? I hate to think about that. Let's not. On to what I was doing.
What else do I want? Well, let's first think about what I don't want. I don't want to go to college. I don't particularly want to get a job. I don't want to go through life with no money and no life. I don't want to be labeled a "loser" by society and not just myself. I want to make a good name for homeschoolers. Now for what I want. I want to seem important to myself. I want to be amazing. This all sounds funny right now, but I need to be honest. I want to be happy. I want everyone around me to be happy. I don't want anyone to feel insignificant because of me…which there doesn't seem to be that risk right now…anyways. I want success in whatever I do.
Okay, now for what I really WANT to do. Not what I want, but what I want to DO.
I want to work with animals. I want to write books. I want to travel around the world, either by myself or with people I love. I want to play piano amazingly well. I want to write beautiful music. I want to play as many instruments as possible. I want to go sailing, like, real sailing in the ocean. I want to be in love and get married. I want to have children. Lots of them. I want money so I can do all the things I want to do. I want to keep swimming and playing water polo. I don't really want to accomplish anything with them, but they are a fun hobby and they also keep me in shape. I don't want to get fat, or even just go back to being skinny. I like the body I have and want to keep it. I don't want my kids to be fat or skinny. I want them to be healthy and athletic. I don't ever want to lose my creative inspiration. I want to be with my friends and family forever, and I don't ever want to lose any of them in any way. I don't want to go over into the "dark side" again. I want to be a good kid, even if I am an adult now. I want to be a good and creative cook. I want to have an enthusiasm for cleaning and doing other mundane household chores. I want to study history…real history. I want to read classic literature and learn from the best. I want to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and study his word. I want insight from my elders so I don't go screwing up my life again. I would like to do acting. I want to start a band.
So what do I concentrate on? Let's say I need four main things - Money, fitness, and two main profitable interests. Working for daddy covers the money thing right now, which includes studying the Product Launch Sequence. Fitness means swimming in the mornings and water polo in the afternoons. Now I have to pick two main interests and stick with them. *thinking….thinking…thinking…* I think…well, I thought…and now I believe…music and creative writing should be my main concentrations once this semester is over. Once I get out of these darned time-wasting classes. They're interesting, but not worth my time. That's the problem. There are too many things in life like that, and what's worse is that our society is so given over to those sorts of things that nobody really knows to do anything better.
One thing I noticed was that I said nothing about improv goals. Do I not have any? Have I lost my passion and fire for it? I think it's diminishing. That makes me cry. I don't want to leave, and it is only once a week, and then the shows one weekend a month. But I seriously need to reconsider what I want. I have been intensely interested in writing and music since I was little. They are things I KNOW I can stick to, and not just fleeting fancies that seem glamorous. I love to do them. Sure, sometimes I get in a rut, but that's only for a bit.
Okay, here is the verdict. If I take any classes next semester, they will be Creative Writing 1 and Elements of Music. I may also get a piano teacher. I'll read lots of books about writing, and also read literature. I will not deceive myself in my motivation. This is what I'm doing. I will also help around the house because I know it will benefit mom and myself because one day I will be a mother, I'm almost sure of it. I will work for daddy and help him with his product stuff. I will swim and play polo. I may eventually marry.
That's another thing. I feel ready for marriage, but I'm really not. I'm nowhere near it. I want it so bad right now. I've concluded that since none of the guys my age are ready, I should just hope for an older guy.......but then, that's kind of not really a good idea. I'm just as ready as the guys my age. I can see it coming in the next five years or so, and if I look I can basically see what I need to be doing to get there. To be ready. I know my girl friends can relate....I just ache to get married right now. I don't know if guys can relate to this at all.....but it's a very hard struggle right now. Granted, all struggles are hard. Duh. But this one is just the worst. It's so hard to do normal, everyday things now, because it comes to mind so much:
Driving through a neighborhood: "Oh, wouldn't this be a great neighborhood to bring kids up in...so peaceful and out of the city...so many trees...the houses are a nice size, and I could buy sofas!!!"
Walking through Target: "Aren't those decorations so cool! Imagine my dining room with that clock and my bedroom with that lamp!"
Still walking through Target: "Awww...cribs! Nighties! Diapers! Booties! Little bouncers! Pacifiers!"
Anywhere: "Look at that family, aren't they so cute? *gasp* A baby...oh, I want one!"
Anytime I see a couple I feel jealous because I'm walking through the parking lot alone. I certainly do NOT get to go shopping for ANYTHING with my husband, and that is very aggravating somehow. There's a girl on the Masters team who is getting married in December or something. I just overheard her telling another girl...but the way she was talking about it was just really casual and for some reason that got me down. Marriage, to me, isn't just a casual matter. I suppose that when you already live together anyways, there's no reason to really be excited. I meant the "I suppose" sarcastically. I just think that at that point marriage is almost pointless. You're already sharing your lives and sharing your bodies. Well, I'm going off in the other direction of what I was trying to say, which I can't really remember anyways because it's a bit late...AND I am trying to have a caffiene crash so I can go to bed, because I have to get up in the morning and go listen to the girls in the locker room at Masters talk some more before I go see the Dead Sea scrolls with...um...a lot of people. I'm excited :D I've been wanting to see them a while, and I don't want them to just go away like that anatomy exhibit did. That was sad :(
That same girl (I think) said that when she was little she once saw some guy swim the English channel all butterfly. That's really extremely cool. However, as much as I adore butterfly, I don't think I should set my sights on doing the same...heh heh.....
Thursday, September 25, 2008
"Jack of All Trades" - A Complimentary Term for ADD
Posted by Jessica at 11:47 PM
Labels: career, confusion, frustration, homeschool, learning, life, piano, realizing, reflections, School, swim, water polo, writing
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21 comments:
Wow. That is exactly how I feel right now. Particularly about the marriage thing. I can't see a baby anymore without squealing "A baby! I want it!" Hopefully the parents aren't hearing this...
Hating to burst you ladies' bubbles, but... babies have these things called diapers which have to be changed every so often, and I can tell you from personal experience that they don't smell so nice...
Oh, yes.... that's how I feel. Except maybe the marriage thing; I'm a bit too young for that, but in a few years... ;)
There is SO much that I love to do, and I can't decide what I like best... I see I probably won't be figuring it out very soon. :P
I told someone a while ago that I wanted to be a mother & wife... I think he thought I was TOTALLY crazy. :D
Diapers don't bother me...
Yeah, I always thought I'd have my life all figured out now too (who knows why I picked 17 instead of 18, but whatever)... I thought I'd be married now. I never figured on having to think of something "real" to do. I just thought I'd skip the "career" and get right to my main goal: being a wife and mother. Unfortunately, I'm definitely not ready to get married. And now I'm trying to figure out some kind of job or something. I can't just let my parents keep supporting me indefinitely.
But anyway. This in turning into a post on your blog, so I'll stop. :P
Tee-hee, Rebecca. If they did hear my thoughts I'm sure they'd shroud the baby from my sight ASAP and quickly leave the vicinity.
Jonathan - I've changed plenty of diapers in my short life and I'd have to say it's quite worth it. Anyways, you're a guy...when you're married your wife probably won't make you change too many diapers, as long as when you do have to you don't complain. (On a side note, do you have a blog? Your profile says it is "not available" so perhaps you don't want me snooping around...)
Sarah - Oh, don't worry. In a few years you'll be moaning and groaning like Lizzie and I are about not being married.
No, Lizzie. That's small compared to some "posts" I've done on other people's blogs...but anyways, that's interesting. Either I can't remember what I expected to be/have/be doing right now when I was younger, or I never had any idea about it. Getting married hardly ocurred to me...I wanted to be a mailman first, I think, and then a dancer, then an actress. Once I got to actress I thought I had it all planned out, but really, I guess I've deceived myself into thinking everything is easily attainable.
On diapers: I've changed some too, but I don't get what you mean by worth it (the baby stops crying???).
On blogs: No blog. Would like to get one though.
On lazy profiles: What do you mean not available?! *checks* You're right - it's taking another lunch break...
Seriously, it's not available because I haven't signed up for Blogger on my Google account, therefore it doesn't exist.
*ahem*
It is worth it to change diapers because I would have a baby. My baby. My child that I can care for and teach and watch grow. Now, that all sounds very sentimental and everything, but I don't really know any girls/ladies/women who would disagree with that.
Well, you should get a blog.
See the problem with what you are saying is that you're still judging yourself by what society deems acceptable. I'm a loser as well from the standpoint of "oh he has no money has while making good grades has no real direction".
What you've got to realize is that you can do every single one of those things you said you were interested in. You've just got to get out of societies rut... You know, the group of people that says "you can't go traveling unless you do it *this exact way*".
Forget that, America is so obsessed with trying to live that people have forgotten how to live. You want to learn how to sail, on the ocean ect...? Get in your car drive down to a pier and talk to someone. Don't have money, work on a boat then.
All that holds any of us back is that we're American. We've been told all our lives that we need to behave this way, think this way, focus on this thing, ect. We're in a land where anyone can pursue what they want, yet almost no one does anything out of the social norm because they are unable to see that they're a large pack of sheep following the herd mentality.
I plan to be fantastically poor, I plan to meander from place to place, I plan to see sights that the typical person will never see. I plan to have friends in hundreds of countries, and to have visited them all.
What I view as amazingly sad is that so many people in America haven't traveled outside of the US, or even though many states. It's not a money issue, you can travel with almost no money, its a mind issue, freeing yourself to actually have the motivation and desire to see your goals come true... But no, people are content to sit at home and watch their TV.
If any of that actually made sense?
Definitely Jessica... I agree. :P
I have a complaint with your last paragraph, Kor. I have always lived in NC. The ONLY other kind of land I've stepped on is VA. I've never been anywhere outside of those 2 states.
"its a mind issue, freeing yourself to actually have the motivation and desire to see your goals come true"
And I have plenty of motivation and desire to see ANYTHING BESIDES NC AND VA! But traveling outside of these 2 states is not in my family's immediate plans, which would require me to run away or wait. I suppose if I were "free" enough of restraints like responsibility and obedience to my parents, then maybe I would leave and go see everything I want to. But that's not the kind of "freedom" I want.
You know Lizzie I personally think christian woman might have been more outgoing back in the 1920's/30's... I can only speak from some movie experience and talking with my grandparents, but woman left the home. They went out and got jobs as typest and secritaries, as writers and as saleswomen.
I use this example because I know some females think they need to stay with their family till they get married or hit some astronomical age, aka-30. There were many christian woman who in those times left their homes and pursued their goals (with their parents consent I would guess) it didn't make them any less of a woman or put their faith in jeopardy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay with your family, or wanting to wait for a husband while living at home. But in the same way if you want to go and work somewhere, to pursue an idea or goal, no matter how bolluxed it might be, your family should support you.
Look, if you have a strong desire to travel, sit down with your parents, talk it over and plan something. Anja and Olivia from the blog "all that is good" travel quite a bit solo. If you really want to travel contact them and inquire as to their methods.
See, that's just the thing, Kor. I have what you wouldn't really call a "desire" to travel but more of a great need to...I'm about to burst to get out and go ANYWHERE at this moment. I mean, I like it here, and once I do get married I want to raise my family near where I live now.
But the problem isn't whether it will make me any less of a woman or a Christian...it's the fact that it's a little more dangerous for me to just go out in the world all by myself. I understand that...but seriously...my parents really will not let me go. Like, my mom almost didn't let me start doing the Masters practices in the morning at TAC because she didn't want me driving alone at five in the morning to somewhere ten minutes away....something about getting raped or killed or something. :P I understand the risks...this really needs a whole blog entry itself...like how I'd like to go hiking or biking up in the mountains by myself, because that's something I'd like to do by myself. I'd like to do it with a husband, too, but I have no objection to doing it alone. And that's only one situation where they said NO. I can't imagine asking to go anywhere further away to do anything more outrageous.
Anyways, I have plans for money if I go off and travel by myself. I would plan to write about it...and that could get published and change American's mentalities on how things should be done forever!!
Oh, who is that lady who did something like that...yeah! The one from Africa who wrote a book that's selling at Starbucks right now. Yeah. Her.
My parents are the same, Jess. They would never LET me go somewhere like that without them. Hence my wording "run away or wait." Nor would I want to just leave them with their regular lives while I run off on a vacation.
Well, I know this sounds selfish, but I would.
*awkward silence*
Um...this is the life they've chosen and I would choose "running off on vacation." I just don't think they would mind that much...
I don't mean to say that it's wrong... I just feel that as long as I'm living under their roof and not really contributing any income, I should do my part in the family.
But if you go off on your own for a while, you're not really living under their roof.
That's true...
Wow...I read this before I left Friday and I didn't have time to write a comment then, and now there are 16 comments!!
About the marriage thing...I kind of assumed that by the time I was old enough to be married I would have met someone and I'd get married. Obviously not! :D
And what is it about houses? I just noticed myself doing that too! Usually it's more like I see a young married couple who are so happy and in love with each other and I wish I had someone to love like that, or I'd see little kids and wish I had a bunch of kids of my own or something, but recently I've been seeing houses for sale and thinking "Oh, what a nice little house! It would be so nice to have a husband and kids and a little house like that!" Which is kind of unrealistic anyway, because not that many people can afford a house right when they get married! :D
Since I get to take care of a baby for work I'm not quite so ready steal one (not that I'd really do that) but even with changing diapers and everything I still want one of my own...or several. :P
And yes, traveling, or going bike riding or hiking would be fun, but not necessarily safe to do alone. :(
The Dead Sea Scrolls...ha-ha! Our speaker up at camp this weekend was spazzing about that. He's like "No one told me they were on exhibit!!! I HAVE GOT TO GO SEE THEM! Is anyone from Raleigh? Yeah? I'm hitching a ride with you Sunday and seeing them before my flight leaves!" I think he did too...I didn't see him or his wife after the meeting this morning so they must have gotten out of there and gone to Raleigh! :D
That's hilarious...your speaker must have been very entertaining. :P
The house thing...that's so true, and it's one of the hardest things for me so I'm sort of in denial about how I might actually have to start living in an apartment at first. Sometimes I just don't know if I can deal with that. I know that sounds a little petty, but I do think about it a lot. I want a place of my own right off, no matter how small, and I don't want it in a building with other people and with no yard! But at the same time, if I had to wait till my later 20s to get married just so my husband can afford an actual house, I think it would be worth it to live in an apartment for a while...
He was a character that's for sure! :D I didn't agree with quite all that he said, but he was interesting.
Hmm, I wouldn't really mind an apartment all that much. Less to clean and all the maintenance that goes with a house takes a lot of time too. But an apartment doesn't give the same effect now...it's not too often you go by an apartment complex and think that you'd just love to live in one of the apartments. :D lol! Yep, houses are nice, and apartments have their points too.
Uh, yeah, if it's a matter of getting married sooner or waiting to afford a house, I'd definitely get married sooner! The housing issue would be totally flexible. :D
I kinda want to live in apartment. Just because I've always lived in a house. :P
I've never lived in an apartment and I don't really want to. I think that perhaps a high-rise in Paris, Barcelona, or somewhere else like that would be interesting for a little bit, but in the long run, I would really like a house...
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