Oh, Marilla...!

What is on my mind...? It has to do with lonely and broken hearts and a deep feeling of dread which is even worse, and possibly the worse most sickening feeling on planet earth. So dread is more of the sort of thing where you're expecting something bad to happen. But it's all dread, really. That deep, sick, nauseous feeling churning about in your stomach when you discover, to your shock, that the person you had fallen for and gotten somewhat attached to and most likely had somehow been led to believe you seriously had a chance with was not just liking somebody else besides you (not as bad; that's not official), but actually going out with that person, in a serious relationship, and the person you fell for didn't even bother to tell you that small detail to prevent your fragile heart from shattering into a million pieces all over the street, some of it being ground into the pavement by cars zooming by, some falling down the drain into the rotten sewer, some of it kicked by pedestrians into the nearby grill where it is seared to perfection in the kitchen, and some of it just laying at your feet, unmoving, but hoping, praying you will pick up its remains and give it a reason to beat again. Sorry for that crazy analogy and very long sentence…heh heh.

I believe I have a very realistic fear of this happening again. It probably will. All I know is God WILL pick up all the remains of my heart, put them back together and give my heart a reason to beat again. But sometimes I have a very slow recovery rate. Maybe I'll just become immune to it. Like, I've been hit in the head with water polo balls, baseballs, basket balls, lamps, and canned food so many times, pain doesn't even pulsate through my brain anymore. So I will just have my heart broken so many times it won't hurt. I'll have a calloused heart.

But if I do, I don't believe I will be capable of loving either, and that would be very bad indeed.
I've underestimated…is that the right word?…underestimated guys before. I've thought surely they were not the "dating type", that maybe they did it the way our family does it. That in a year or two (but these things have happened a year or two ago), he would be then hanging out with me and my family a lot, and then would ask my dad if he could…you know, court me until marriage. He'd be like an older brother to me and my siblings, a friend to my dad and a chivalrous, sweet older son to my mom. In India both families are so involved in the relationship, in the wedding, everything. They even consider marriage a union of two families, not just a union of a man and a woman alone. Well, of course, they set it up. Marriages are arranged there, we all know that. But I think that's a wonderful notion, because from the very beginning, everyone is on the same exact page. I like that. Here in America, kids just want to do what they want to do, and there's conflict between the in-laws, and the kids move away and never see their parents…it's all about being independent here. But I love my family, I want to love my husband's family, and I want him to feel the same way. Now I sound all hippie-ish…"where's the love, man?" But seriously…

So I decided I am going to move to India with my family…okay, not really. Christians are kind of scarce there.

So I assume that these "potential boyfriend/fiance/husband" guys who I meet are like that (what, because they are homeschooled and/or Christians?), and I envision these things happening, and get to know the guy and he's nice. But then I find out one of two things: Either--he's interested, but only in me. Wants to spend time with me…alone. Wants to avoid my family as much as possible. Backs out on going to the movies, just because my mom or brother wants to come along. Eventually gives up and moves on with life without telling me. That's one scenario. The other is that as our friendship grows, it all starts to seem real promising…until I find out I didn't know him at all, and get the word from somebody else that he has a girlfriend, has had a girlfriend for a month or so, and maybe even has had multiple steamy relationships with other girls in the past.

The worst of all, though, is when I was originally right about the guy. He was like me. He was going to be that kind of person who came over to my house for dinner, talked with my dad about real estate and sudoku, helped my mom and me clean up the kitchen afterwards, and played a board game with my brothers and me into the night till he really needed to be going home, and I would go over to his house (on a different night, of course) and do the same thing (except he and his sister would drive me home, and he would walk me up to my porch and squeeze my hand goodnight). But as our friendship grows, something about him changes, and it has nothing to do with me. Pretty soon I probably find out from his sister that he's dating...like, "worldly" kind of dating, some other girl. Some other girl who wasn't brought up with any relational foundations his family and my family focused on, and he's basically compromising all he's ever been brought up to do to be in this exciting relationship with this exciting girl. That's where the deep, sickening feeling of despair comes into play in it's meanest and most heart wrenching form. It's betrayal, really.

That sort of dating seems attractive to me, too, you know. But I know that if I dread seeing it happen to any brother-like guy I know and love like that, then I know that any of those brother-like guys would be filled with that same sense of despair if I suddenly turned from everything I had been brought up to do to go out with some "exciting" guy. That's why I have to remind myself from time to time not to fall under the spell of that game. It's just not the way I will ultimately want things to turn out. And by participating in something like that now, I am just getting further away from any guys who are really worth it.

Now I am just sitting here sadly reflecting.

Well, I should go eat breakfast or something.

Love, peace, and joy…
--Jessica