What Else...?!

I don't know. I'm just so confused. I get that way, you know. And maybe somehow I've become..."comfortable" that way...? That's even more confusing.

Usually when I'm in certain moods, I know there are types of songs or just music in general I feel like listening to. You know, Motley Crue/G&R moods, lovey-dovey song moods, I-hate-you song moods, totally awesome music moods, Christian music moods, Gavin DeGraw moods, and peaceful and serene moods. It's very frustrating to be in some sort of mood where I don't know what kind of music to listen to for it!!! The closest I can come to is somewhere like the Braveheart soundtrack or some sort of...well, I don't know. It just doesn't work. My mom says I'm in a funk, but I don't like funk music...ha ha ha ha ha, huh? Right. Anyway, so I don't know. I've now come to the point where I rant a lot about what my problems seem to be with the hopes at arriving at some grand conclusion at the end of the entry:

So, say there is this girl named...um...Romilly. A nice name, very British, and the name of Emma Watson's daughter, and Emma Watson is British, so we're all set. She doesn't live in England or anything (the girl named Romilly, that is), but in Raleigh, North Carolina. Now, this girl, whose name commonly gets shortened to Rom by her friends, and, for the sake of the person typing this, will be used from here on forward and onward, has two friends, who happen to be boys. The first one's name is Elijah, because I like that name, and the second one's name is Caleb, because I also like that name. Quite FASCINATING, isn't it??? Wonderful. Beautiful. Glorious, b'gorious, amazing, inspirational, sensational...yeah, on with the story...

So Rom is in a bit of a tough spot. She really shouldn't be, being 17 and all, but somehow she couldn't help it, and so ended up...yeah, in a tough spot. You see, the tough spot happens to be somewhat of the doings of Elijah and Caleb. "What could they have possibly done to upset and confuse such a poor little girl who hasn't even quite graduated from highschool?" you might ask. Well, I suppose it will come out eventually. You see, Rom is torn, and for good reason. Elijah is nice, but not...well, she could never quite figure out whether she liked him or not. There was a bit of time within the past couple of months where Rom has sworn that she liked him against her will (there is NO double meaning in that!! For those of you who get that, anyway), but still...well, anyway. The thing is, Elijah for a little while has seemed to really like her, at least that is what she's come to expect, and they have become even moderately close, though she on her guard the entire time.

But then there is Caleb, who personality-wise is the exact opposite of Elijah. He was raised in a similar way to Rom (unlike Elijah, who was certainly not), and is one of those "perfect" guys. Not perfect in the sense of being flawless, but perfect, as in he is much better suited for a person like her. On a recent evaluation of her feelings, Rom has decided that she prefers Caleb above them all. Not in regards to how romantic he may be, but in terms of who, were she thinking sensibly and possibly as someone who is not herself, would be a husband of good character and a good father, etc, etc, etc. Then she thought, maybe it wasn't just Caleb himself, but the basic character and background of Caleb, someone who was like him in the respects of not being so much like Elijah. But why, then, did she like Elijah so much? Or did she?

Rom became very confused as all these thoughts in her head became more and more jumbled. So here is an excerpt from "her diary" to make it easier for the equally confused narrator to say what she is trying to say:

So, I don't know. In fact, I have no idea, and cannot see to the end of this to see if I ever will. And that just frustrates me, I can assure you. *attempts to not sound Jane Austen-ish* *clears throat, begins again* Here we go: Caleb is the ideal husband, Elijah is fun and thrilling. That's not to say Caleb isn't ever fun. In fact, he's quite hilarious, and at least he's not too much of an ever flowing fountain of useless information as most boys are, including Elijah. By the way, I think Elijah is ridiculous. So how can I be drawn to him? Is it the encouragement on his side, where I seem to get none of the sort on Calebs side? At least I know Caleb has a good reason, but maybe that is what I want after all.

Another thing I wonder and worry about is the level I am on with each of them. Being a girl, friendships are important, and I'm sure we all take the time to examine where each of our relationships are at certain times. So I am left to wonder what has become of me? Why is it the boy that doesn't deserve to know so much about me, I am most comfortable with and have made known certain things, as well as just been able to be myself around, while the other boy, with whom I am friendly but not so much in that respect, hardly knows who I really am? I desperately wish it were switched. I act so much differently in each situation. Why why why why why why why why...I don't know. I need to seperate those whys with commas, but I'm too lazy to go back and do it. Oh for GOODNESS SAKE, somebody HELP!!! It is so overwhelmingly confusing, and I can't stop thinking about it for long periods of time, anyway. And so I think that if Caleb knew who I actually was, then he would like me as Elijah does, because Elijah knows for the most part. And so I want to let Caleb know, and in that process I seem to make myself look more like the person he thinks I am, because I feel like I must let him know at once, because I don't want him to have a distorted impression any longer, but it doesn't bloody work, and then I get really frustrated (again) and being to write run-on sentences expressing my resentment and anger at myself.

I don't really want to outright declare who I am, anyway. I'd rather someone wish to find out for themselves, and want to dig deeper and deeper into whoever I happen to be. So there are many layers. Maybe Caleb sees one SIDE of me, and Elijah sees another. But I can just tell that that one side is all Caleb sees me as. That's apparently all there is to me. And why do I act so outspoken and crazy anyways? I'm not. I like sitting and reading books and being quiet and listening. I want to find out about people. I mean, when I have something to say or have gone a while and haven't said anything to anybody about something that really needs to come out because I've been keeping whatever it is in too long (sorry Lizzie and Sarah...I know I talk too much, but you always seem to be around when the above happens). And just because I run my mouth a lot during those times doesn't mean that I don't want to listen. I do. And it doesn't mean that those specitfic people I talk to don't interest me enough to provoke me to listen to them. But that's a bit off topic.

Maybe I'm not sure who the heck I am. Or maybe I am everything. I guess I should just believe that I'm everything that comes out of me. I'm not something which I must mold everything I say to fit whoever I am. I am who I am by what I say and what I do, because it all began as a thought in my head, whether I remember consciously thinking about it at all. There's no personality profile I must stick to. So then why in the world am I so darn frustrated?????

I don't know, um, Romilly. I'm confused too...

I really hate this. I've written quite enough for anybody to be sick of reading, and all I have done is draw some itty-bitty conclusion about something I probably already drew a conclusion about before and already forgot, which I guess makes everything more frustrating. I just don't know what to think, what to do, when to be quiet and when to speak up. I want to make someone want me so bad, but I accidently transferred all I should be doing around him to whoever I am when I am around someone else, whose affections I don't really care if I have. Why? I DON'T KNOW, GOSH DARN IT. STOP ASKING THAT STUPID QUESTION TILL I TELL YOU I CAN COME UP WITH A SUFFICIENT ANSWER. So there.

Well, in that case, if anyone has any music reccomendations, it would be greatly appreciated.

~Jessica or Romilly or whoever...