A friend recently asked whether I liked this guy that I have been hanging out with a lot and if liked me or not. "Well, it's not really like that," I said. "What do you mean by that?" she asked. I then wondered how I had gotten so good at being vague. "It's kind of a long story," I said, as we happened to be texting and I happened to be cleaning the house while we were doing so. "I'll e-mail you later with an explanation."
So I took a very long time carefully thinking out how to explain it, only to find out that she skimmed over it to find the juicy parts (juicy? No. And they would have made more sense if she had read the whole e-mail!). So I decided to post it on here for all ye "we already know about this...no big news or anything" people, in the hopes that you will tell me whether I explained myself well enough and in a way that doesn't sound TOO practical, dull, or rules-ish. So, here it is:
Okay, here's the deal (like I said, it's a long story, so brace yourself). This is a natural thing for me because I've been brought up on the concept, and so has practically everyone else I know (we, the strange homeschoolers....). But, to put it as simply as I feel I possibly can while still making sense, we (me, this guy-friend, and our friends) see dating as kind of a frivolous thing. Some people do it for fun, other people do it because they like each other, other people do it because they love each other. But rarely is it ever for the purpose of getting married. Sure, you could turn that around and say, "well, you date to see if that person is the right person to marry." But there are problems with that. First of all, why use that particular format of spending time together and therefore get so emotionally attached to someone when it may not last? To have your heart broken? We all know that is absolutely no fun and it hurts just as much, if not more, every time it happens. Second of all, dating is even more pointless when the two people involved are not even close to being prepared for marriage. Referring back to item number one, you become attached to someone, and then what? You can't do anything about it. You can't get married. On top of that, throw in teenage hormones and an underdeveloped cerebral cortex (which, if you haven't taken any psychology courses yet, is the part of the brain which houses impulse control and moral judgment) and you have a GIANT potential mistake waiting to happen. The cerebral cortex is not fully developed usually until around 22 or 23.
Of course, a person, can learn to control his or herself in situations like that, which usually requires what I think of as "complete abstinence." That means not just not giving in to temptation, but avoiding anything tempting altogether so that the mind does not even feel an urge of any sort. Physical temptation, emotional temptation....it's all the same really. But a person can control his or her own mind. This means saying "no" to certain things. Things like being in any sort of romantic relationship before one is ready to do something. If you give yourself over emotionally, then what? If you give yourself over physically, then what? Of course, this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, most of whom just live for the moment. But I am thinking of my future husband. Is he going to want to hear of all the guys I gave my heart to? Who I gave any part of my body to? No, because I would not want to hear the same story from him. I want to give my heart only to my husband, and I want him to give his heart only to me. If you think about it, emotional/physical relationships before engagement and marriage are essentially adultery to my future husband. They will sit on my conscience forever, even if I tell him (which I will--I can't lie to my husband).
So you are probably wondering, "how on earth am I supposed to get married if I can't be in a relationship?" and perhaps, "if I were to be in a relationship, I guess I would have to sit there like a cold, heartless statue or something, wouldn't I?" That is where "courtship" comes in. Yeah, it's an old-fashioned term. And the way that this is a lot like arranged marriages may be a turn-off. But here is the concept: A guy and a girl are friends. Maybe just friends who exchange a little conversation here and there during or after church, work, school, or something else like that. Maybe they have a big group of mutual friends and they all hang out together often. Maybe their families are good friends with each other. Or any other situation you can think of. The girl may like the guy, maybe not. Maybe she has never thought about it, but she really likes him as a friend. He more than likely likes her. And it's not for shallow things like looks, but it is really about personality. He has been observing her in her natural habitat(s); observing her interactions with girls, other guys, little kids, older people, and her family. Chances are, she has been observing him in the same areas. In their conversations they have surely found, like any friends do, that they have many things in common, and that they like being around each other. Now, depending both on the age of the two parties involved, as well as the readiness they feel, it may be months or it may be years. In my case I know it will be at least two more years (but that is really beside the point). But one day, when they guy has prayed about it and sought others' opinions on the matter (not just his friends, but also his parents and probably other people who know the girl in mind), he will call up the father and ask to meet him for breakfast somewhere. I mean, it doesn't have to be breakfast, it doesn't have to be a phone call...just minor details. :D But somehow or another, he will get into a conversation with the father, and, once he musters up the courage, he will finally ask to court the daughter. It took my friend's older sister's now-husband three breakfasts with her dad to come out with the question. Hey, I mean, it's a test of manly courage and things like that. :)
Anyways, next comes the courtship part. Firstly, it is important that both his and your families are involved. Secondly, courting is not dating. Courting is spending time together, but not investing in each other emotionally anywhere near as much as you would in a typical dating situation. Let's just say that that is very hard to do. The point of the courtship would be to get to know if the other is really right for a spouse or not. Well, there is no denying that emotion is going to get invested. After all, how are you supposed to hang out with someone (and, often times, that someone's family) with the hopes of getting married soon and be expected to not fall madly in love with each other in that process? That's why emotion and passion are not the main focus, no matter how present they happen to be. What courtship focuses on is practicality and logic about the situation, as well as making sure that God is the center of everything (if you are religious, that is). You probably know from experience that, in love, our first inclinations are to...well, feel love for that person. And feelings are very strong...you should never underestimate them. Thus, a feeling of passion can easily get carried away with itself. If no rules, boundaries, or limitations are set (like Cesar Millan says :P), then of course passion is going to be the center focus. But before the courtship begins, plans are laid out. And guess who gets to be in charge of it and who keeps an eye on the two as the courtship progresses? The parents and siblings! Yes, that sounds like a nightmare to most people, but really....the people who care about you the most and know you best, AND who are NOT emotionally invested in the relationship (or, at least, not nearly as much as you are) are going to be there for you the whole way! And if something doesn't seem right, they will let you know. The reality is that courtships don't always end up in marriage, though it is pretty rare. The reason is that courtship is meant to get to see if that person is right for you to get married to. And sometimes they are not. But most of the time they are, and once the courtship has been going smoothly and you both feel like you are called to marry each other at that time (it could be weeks, months, or years...), then the guy will (with the permission of her dad again, of course) ask the girl to marry him. Once engagement starts, then romance can really step into the picture, emotionally speaking, anyways. But proceeding with caution is necessary, as nothing is final till he and you have been pronounced husband and wife. And once THAT happens, it is officially time to invest in each other emotionally and physically and everythingelseically!!! I hope all this has made sense to you. Please, berate me with questions if it so pleases you. I don't want to leave you scratching your head and wondering when the homeschoolers went mad, if that wasn't what you assumed us to be anyways. :D
So, yeah....like I've said before, my guy friend is a most amazing friend. If something happens between us, then that is wonderful. Now is just not the right time, and if the right time does come, the relationship will not go down like your typical guy-girl relationship you see most often in this culture. I hope I have explained myself well enough and given you a different perspective that may even be inspirational!
Your friend,
Jessica
