A Few of my Favorite Things

Not a huge fan of white dresses...except for weddings, of course. I do like a guy in a tux, though. :)

1. 19th century British literature (!!!) No, really. Austen, Dickens, etc.
2. "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles (yes, that's really how you spell her name...I looked it up)
3. Amy Grant's "Unguarded" CD. I used to listen to it when I was little when we'd go with my dad to business trips in VA, so it reminds me of Hampton Suites, but I'm liking it all over again for different reasons.
4. Pride and Prejudice movies. Yay.
5. Strawberries
6. Strawberry ice cream
7. Strawberry smoothies
8. Warm weather
9. Green grass and trees
10. Biking
11. Hiking
12. Nature

Well, I'd do more, but I need to go to a study session for English, which I also love. Later!

~Jessica

Death

For the lost students from the shooting at Virginia Tech last year:



Death: A Poem by Jessica Barker

Death
Cut off
A void

Death
Missed
Mourned

Death
Struck down
Caved in

Death
Lost one
Unknown

Death
Key to life
Carrying on

Death
Vulnerable
Incapable

Death
Vacuum
Suffocate

Death
Dark red
Ended there

Death preys on those
Who do not want
The Death that is
Not rightly theirs
And Death holds inside
All the weak and forlorn
Never letting go
Until they turn
Death…

Finally!

It has always been my greatest aspiration in life to actually write something short. I have told myself that I can't really do that, however, because every time I start out writing a blog, thinking it will be short, it comes out much longer than intended. But this is it, folks. The one you've all been waiting for.

Adieu!
~Jessica

What Else...?!

I don't know. I'm just so confused. I get that way, you know. And maybe somehow I've become..."comfortable" that way...? That's even more confusing.

Usually when I'm in certain moods, I know there are types of songs or just music in general I feel like listening to. You know, Motley Crue/G&R moods, lovey-dovey song moods, I-hate-you song moods, totally awesome music moods, Christian music moods, Gavin DeGraw moods, and peaceful and serene moods. It's very frustrating to be in some sort of mood where I don't know what kind of music to listen to for it!!! The closest I can come to is somewhere like the Braveheart soundtrack or some sort of...well, I don't know. It just doesn't work. My mom says I'm in a funk, but I don't like funk music...ha ha ha ha ha, huh? Right. Anyway, so I don't know. I've now come to the point where I rant a lot about what my problems seem to be with the hopes at arriving at some grand conclusion at the end of the entry:

So, say there is this girl named...um...Romilly. A nice name, very British, and the name of Emma Watson's daughter, and Emma Watson is British, so we're all set. She doesn't live in England or anything (the girl named Romilly, that is), but in Raleigh, North Carolina. Now, this girl, whose name commonly gets shortened to Rom by her friends, and, for the sake of the person typing this, will be used from here on forward and onward, has two friends, who happen to be boys. The first one's name is Elijah, because I like that name, and the second one's name is Caleb, because I also like that name. Quite FASCINATING, isn't it??? Wonderful. Beautiful. Glorious, b'gorious, amazing, inspirational, sensational...yeah, on with the story...

So Rom is in a bit of a tough spot. She really shouldn't be, being 17 and all, but somehow she couldn't help it, and so ended up...yeah, in a tough spot. You see, the tough spot happens to be somewhat of the doings of Elijah and Caleb. "What could they have possibly done to upset and confuse such a poor little girl who hasn't even quite graduated from highschool?" you might ask. Well, I suppose it will come out eventually. You see, Rom is torn, and for good reason. Elijah is nice, but not...well, she could never quite figure out whether she liked him or not. There was a bit of time within the past couple of months where Rom has sworn that she liked him against her will (there is NO double meaning in that!! For those of you who get that, anyway), but still...well, anyway. The thing is, Elijah for a little while has seemed to really like her, at least that is what she's come to expect, and they have become even moderately close, though she on her guard the entire time.

But then there is Caleb, who personality-wise is the exact opposite of Elijah. He was raised in a similar way to Rom (unlike Elijah, who was certainly not), and is one of those "perfect" guys. Not perfect in the sense of being flawless, but perfect, as in he is much better suited for a person like her. On a recent evaluation of her feelings, Rom has decided that she prefers Caleb above them all. Not in regards to how romantic he may be, but in terms of who, were she thinking sensibly and possibly as someone who is not herself, would be a husband of good character and a good father, etc, etc, etc. Then she thought, maybe it wasn't just Caleb himself, but the basic character and background of Caleb, someone who was like him in the respects of not being so much like Elijah. But why, then, did she like Elijah so much? Or did she?

Rom became very confused as all these thoughts in her head became more and more jumbled. So here is an excerpt from "her diary" to make it easier for the equally confused narrator to say what she is trying to say:

So, I don't know. In fact, I have no idea, and cannot see to the end of this to see if I ever will. And that just frustrates me, I can assure you. *attempts to not sound Jane Austen-ish* *clears throat, begins again* Here we go: Caleb is the ideal husband, Elijah is fun and thrilling. That's not to say Caleb isn't ever fun. In fact, he's quite hilarious, and at least he's not too much of an ever flowing fountain of useless information as most boys are, including Elijah. By the way, I think Elijah is ridiculous. So how can I be drawn to him? Is it the encouragement on his side, where I seem to get none of the sort on Calebs side? At least I know Caleb has a good reason, but maybe that is what I want after all.

Another thing I wonder and worry about is the level I am on with each of them. Being a girl, friendships are important, and I'm sure we all take the time to examine where each of our relationships are at certain times. So I am left to wonder what has become of me? Why is it the boy that doesn't deserve to know so much about me, I am most comfortable with and have made known certain things, as well as just been able to be myself around, while the other boy, with whom I am friendly but not so much in that respect, hardly knows who I really am? I desperately wish it were switched. I act so much differently in each situation. Why why why why why why why why...I don't know. I need to seperate those whys with commas, but I'm too lazy to go back and do it. Oh for GOODNESS SAKE, somebody HELP!!! It is so overwhelmingly confusing, and I can't stop thinking about it for long periods of time, anyway. And so I think that if Caleb knew who I actually was, then he would like me as Elijah does, because Elijah knows for the most part. And so I want to let Caleb know, and in that process I seem to make myself look more like the person he thinks I am, because I feel like I must let him know at once, because I don't want him to have a distorted impression any longer, but it doesn't bloody work, and then I get really frustrated (again) and being to write run-on sentences expressing my resentment and anger at myself.

I don't really want to outright declare who I am, anyway. I'd rather someone wish to find out for themselves, and want to dig deeper and deeper into whoever I happen to be. So there are many layers. Maybe Caleb sees one SIDE of me, and Elijah sees another. But I can just tell that that one side is all Caleb sees me as. That's apparently all there is to me. And why do I act so outspoken and crazy anyways? I'm not. I like sitting and reading books and being quiet and listening. I want to find out about people. I mean, when I have something to say or have gone a while and haven't said anything to anybody about something that really needs to come out because I've been keeping whatever it is in too long (sorry Lizzie and Sarah...I know I talk too much, but you always seem to be around when the above happens). And just because I run my mouth a lot during those times doesn't mean that I don't want to listen. I do. And it doesn't mean that those specitfic people I talk to don't interest me enough to provoke me to listen to them. But that's a bit off topic.

Maybe I'm not sure who the heck I am. Or maybe I am everything. I guess I should just believe that I'm everything that comes out of me. I'm not something which I must mold everything I say to fit whoever I am. I am who I am by what I say and what I do, because it all began as a thought in my head, whether I remember consciously thinking about it at all. There's no personality profile I must stick to. So then why in the world am I so darn frustrated?????

I don't know, um, Romilly. I'm confused too...

I really hate this. I've written quite enough for anybody to be sick of reading, and all I have done is draw some itty-bitty conclusion about something I probably already drew a conclusion about before and already forgot, which I guess makes everything more frustrating. I just don't know what to think, what to do, when to be quiet and when to speak up. I want to make someone want me so bad, but I accidently transferred all I should be doing around him to whoever I am when I am around someone else, whose affections I don't really care if I have. Why? I DON'T KNOW, GOSH DARN IT. STOP ASKING THAT STUPID QUESTION TILL I TELL YOU I CAN COME UP WITH A SUFFICIENT ANSWER. So there.

Well, in that case, if anyone has any music reccomendations, it would be greatly appreciated.

~Jessica or Romilly or whoever...

Does everybody…and how can they not?

I have recently been the realizer of strange things. I know, maybe I should say “realizist” or maybe even an actual word/grammatically correct sentence such as, “I have recently realized strange things.” But, really, I’d rather refer to realizing as an art or profession, because not all people (myself included) always realize things.

So, I guess I never quite grew out of my egotistical thinking stage in life. Or whatever that is that Piaget says something insightful about. The thing is, I guess I realized, but never REALLY realized, that not everybody is just like me. I mean, duh—I knew that. But a lot of things I do, not everyone does. Some people do, but most don’t. And I don’t understand how they can’t do those somethings, or how they can do something else. So, I am wondering, and please, if you read this, it would be quite nice if you commented back on what you do instead of what I do, or what you do that is similar to what I do (I always appreciate people who understand me…it’s one of “those things”), because I am burning with many, many curiosities (actually, just one general curiosity, but I’ve always wanted to sound 19th-century-British-literature-ish and say, “curiosities”) that I simply must have…answered…put in their place…whatever the word I’m looking for is.

Doesn’t everybody write…
….out of frustration?
….as a method of communicating what is hard to say in a conversation?
….out of pure inspiration?
….in the car when they should be going into friend’s houses by now?
….because it is the most wonderful creative outlet?
….because it seems to be the only way to show somebody you love them?
….because everything is easier said on paper?

Doesn’t everybody…
….Sit down at the piano and compose whatever is in their head or arrange a song?
….Get song ideas in the shower and then forget them when they get out?
….dream about symphonies or wake up with beautiful melodies in their head?

How can anyone not…
….completely misunderstand math?
….want to live in the middle of nowhere on beautiful rolling hills with tall trees and warm weather all the time?
….want to live their life in a musical?
….prefer reading to watching television?
….take immense delight in just watching the sun rise over a lush, green, dew-kissed meadow?
….like reading?
….like writing?
….like music and everything about it?
….want to fall in love?

Well, answer me, please. Maybe this is too short a list, or I should structure it like a very long poll or some sort of survey. But this must do for now. You see, I just got out of the shower, and thank goodness I don’t smell like some strange combination of chlorine, gasoline, grass, and all the food I ate yesterday anymore. But somehow I forgot to eat lunch, and I need to go get new lenses or something before my family and I go to the Durham Bulls game tonight, and I just remembered I have to wake up and go to class tomorrow, but at least I know the horror of the oral presentation is done. Super Honeycutt seemed to like the whole story of Beethoven’s Last Night anyway. He probably adores me for picking out such an interesting piece of music to tell about…”Midnight” by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It was kind of fun. At least I gave interesting history and stuff about the song/band, other people can really drone on forever about completely irrelevant things, and I start drawing pictures of clouds smoking pipes and ugly flowers and writing notes with the guy beside me about strange things…but different strange things than what this entry was about. Well, before I talk or write my head off, I do believe I should go, as I said I was going to *stomach growls loudly in an “AHEM!”-ish kind of way* In that case, I really should sign off.

Tootles!

~Jessica

Spring Morning

Some announcements before I get on with the poem:

1. We have adopted a bonzai tree, his name is Edwin.
2. I went to go play water polo Wednesday night with Nathan and Matt, and with all those scary UNC and State people...but it turns out I did all that panicking for nothing.  Everyone was really nice, said I played well, Matt got voted MVP in the first half hour of playing, Nathan told us all about the different good people that were too hard to guard, and other fun things like that.  I can't wait to go back next week!

3. Um...well, I wrote a rough draft that I thought was due today. I stayed up till midnight stressing over it, and then woke up @ five to try and do a little more before I had to get ready to go to music.  And it turns out it wasn't even due!!! I was very angry.

So...

Here we go:

Spring Morning

Looking off to the east
I wait for it to come
And I curse the fog
That settles in and ruins my day.
But I know somehow it’s beautiful
Somehow the moss still grows
And looks up towards the sky.
I don’t understand how
Nobody knows why I only
Want to sit outside and
Watch the sunrise
Feel the cool breeze on my bare
Skin and wonder why they think
That I am crazy when
I say I love to breathe in the
Fresh smell of spring and
Remind myself that God placed
Me here and gave me this
Moment to remind me that
I am happy just to be alive
Right here and right now.

What is and what should never be

Hello everyone! Sorry for not writing in a while. You see, the truth is that for once in my life, I don’t really feel like saying anything. That’s right. I am full of white fluff and nothing else. My mind is blank. I am quite apathetic, and do not really feel like having an opinion.

I simply wish to exist in existence for once.

Ignorance is bliss, I tell you. Why would I want to care if the government wishes to blow us all into a million pieces? You know, if it happens, it happens. There’s nothing I can really do to prevent it, so why should I seriously care about anything directly related to it? Why don’t I just make the most of my time here on earth before we all blow up? A plus is that there is always heaven to look forward to.

Having grown up as myself in my own little world (thankfully as nobody and nowhere else), it only seems that in the past two or three years I’ve been exposed to all these things that I think surely I could have gotten along without just fine. I’m not talking about R-rated movies or friends who cuss all the live long day, but about government conspiracies or strange Christianity theories.

What ever happened to just being able to live life day-by-day, knowing things as they are—we have a God who created the world and who sent his son Jesus to die on the cross. That’s really all there is to it. Sure, there are other things which are nice to pay attention to, but if you don’t, it’s not as if you’re missing out completely. So, it’s one thing to know that some people don’t believe in God and that some people do but they believe in God differently. It’s another thing altogether to begin to comprehend all the crazy theories Christians come up with. Things like “Theistic Evolution”…you know, when it all comes down, it doesn’t really matter how long it took God to make the earth. Lots of people, I guess, like to brag on God and how wonderfully powerful he was that he made the world in six days and rested on the seventh. There’s nothing wrong with that, actually. And if some people believe that each “day” was really an “age”, and so it took what is really millions of years, that is fine with me, too. But, please, let’s not get in a heated debate about it! It’s not a matter of life and death.

Let me say this: We don’t know anything. We won’t until we go to heaven and see God and ask him personally. So until then, let’s stop making all these bloody theories, and spend this precious time here on earth devoting ourselves to worthwhile thoughts that might make a difference in somebody’s day. Make breakfast-in-bed, I say! (it rhymes!)

Lately I’ve been quite concerned with making sure everything I do seems wholesome. I suppose that, to a degree, watching “Mythbusters” on the discovery channel would be considered more wholesome—as it is mildly educational—than reading Pride and Prejudice. However, I suppose you could say that “Mythbusters” only promotes the vocabulary of “I like big booms” and “WHOA!!!” while Jane Austen’s extensive vocabulary shines through her work much more vibrantly. Well, again with debating everything. Anyway, the point of that is I now more than ever prefer reading to watching TV, and because of that I am behind on my Dog Whisperer watchings by three weeks, gosh darn it. The plus side is that I actually end up going through most of the library books I check out pretty thoroughly, unlike my usual skim of one or two and possible actual reading of one, out of the ten or so average.

That above paragraph fits in…how? Because I’d rather spend my time doing _____ than worrying about government bomb plots or strange theories:

Reading
Writing
Swimming
Running
Biking
Ice Skating
Hiking
Walking my dog
Playing an instrument
Working to make money
Cooking
Doing chores
Talking with friends
Improv-ing
Blogging
Listening to music
Driving anywhere
Going on vacation
Watching the Travel Channel (which isn’t on standard cable anymore…BOOOOO!!!!!!)
Going to a concert
Having sleepovers
Doing school (shocker, huh?)
Texting random people
Drinking tea and coffee
Dreaming
Pondering
Sleeping
Thinking
Eating
Taking Tylenol to get rid of this stupid headache


Feel free to add on anything I may have forgotten. Did I mention reading? Yeah, well…there you have it. I shall take my leave now as I have some important research to attend to (very wholesome).

So long!
~Jessica