Trust

So here’s my two cents on the matter of the teenage mid-life crisis. Allie and Lizzie have had their say on the subject, and I guess it’s only fitting that, since I fit right into that whole Spectrum of Major Confusion, I should devote an entire blog entry to something more interesting than the tragic metaphorical death of my love of the song in the previous entry.

Not that it should be a competition to see who is the most confused about life, but if it was, I’d come out on top. At least SOME people know they have gotten into a college and SOME people know what they want to do, but I certainly have not applied anywhere, nor have I chosen what I wish to spend the next four or five years of my life fully devoted to studying, without the knowledge of that studying even leading up to a way of making money or not.

Sure, life’s not all about making money. But money really does make things easier. Well, you might argue, life’s not all about things being easy. But enough with the guilt trip already! You know exactly what I mean. I’d like to be a wife and mother someday, but until I get married or incase I don’t, I will need some sort of way to support myself other than working at MacDonald’s (not my highest ambition, I’m sorry to say). It won’t pay the bills in the long run.

So...I should turn something I love doing into a way of making money. After all, practically everything I love doing could be making me a ton of cash. Gosh darn it! Why am I broke, then? Well, because I am Jessica, that’s why.

I love animals, why not become an animal trainer? I love reading and talking about what I read, why not become a book critic? I love writing, why not become an author? I love writing music, why not become a composer or a songwriter? (NOT THE SAME THING.) I love acting, why not become an actress? I love singing, why not become a singer? I like hiking and exploring, why not become an expeditionist? I love swimming, why not become an Olympian? (Simple—because I’m about 5 or 6 seconds off a qualifying time and that just doesn’t cut it.)

The answer to all those questions is that someone out there says I must pick one and stick with it. How could I possibly do EVERYTHING????? Well, please, somebody tell me I can, because I cannot seem to come to a decision.

So, I was brainstorming. I could become a really good animal trainer in such high demand that only really really rich people can afford to have me come in and perform miraculous wonders, so that I would only be needed a few times a year for a large sum. Then, I can spend the rest of the year doing other things: in the summer I can take trips to the Amazon, and write fictional accounts of my adventures there. Then, I can take the gazzlion dollars from my dog training plus my best-selling novel and go to a resort in the Bahamas, where I will read lots of books and write about them critically if I feel like it. I wouldn’t need the money, I guess, but I might as well. Then I would take a trip to Broadway, and accidentally end up singing and dancing in the street because I would be so happy about finally going, and some talent agent would discover me and land me a part in “Singing in the Rain” or something. After I do that for a while, I’ll probably get bored, so I’d probably fly to CA and collaborate with some famous pop star on their songs. Then I’ll get caught up in all the Hollywood rush and accidentally compose a lovely theme for the next biggest fantasy film before auditioning for American Idol and winning. All that time I would be swimming vigorously, and enter in some random Master’s race and place in the Olympics, and then do that for a while, before I begin the whole process over again!!

*sigh*

Well, I’ll cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Okay, no, not really. I need to get down on my knees and pray for the best. God’s best. I just cannot seem to bring myself to look past my Great Wall of the Leaning Tower of China-Pisa (a wonderful tourist destination, curiously located on the border of Syria and Turkey) of all the million things I want, in order to see what God wants for me. And for anyone who seriously doubts that I need any supernatural power’s opinion on my life’s choices, I’d like to say that if the verdict was left to me, it would end up a very big disaster, don’t you think? Everything I try to do without God’s help ends up somewhat disastrous. From things to do with not wanting to obey my parents and Wait-2-Date (that sounds like a cool corporation I should start) to…well…like that time I was angry at somebody and ran off into the Henderson’s woods and got lost. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, OKAY?? I wouldn’t listen to God; he was clearly saying to me, “just go back into the woods [as I had found I was stranded by some strange street somewhere] and I will guide you back.” I didn’t want to, because I had seen a very large orange-red dog which could have potentially been a coyote. So I walked up and down the road, trying to find some familiar landmark or something…but to no avail. Finally I listened, and wasn’t really watching where I was going, and somehow I ended up by the fence at the end of the pasture, and was quite overjoyed. Though the situation was very…embarrassing…shall we say, I always think back to it to remind myself that my way is no where close to the right way. And if God wills me, I will head blindly into danger, doing his bidding. Perhaps I will not see the end of the road for years to come, and may wonder how everything might work itself out, but the straight and clear shot isn’t always the best.

So…God might be telling me something to do with Appalachian State…double major! I would have never considered it—I’m not good enough, I’ll never survive, blah blah blah. And how will I make money with a double major degree in Creative Writing and Musical Composition? Am I really musical enough to DO a music major, or am a deceiving myself? How could I possibly walk blindly into college without knowing that breaking into a career in either area is guaranteed? Simple—stay grounded, listen to God.

It’s all so very frustrating. It’s like typing on a laptop when you’re used to those old keyboards where you have to press in the keys really hard and they are much wider spaced. I don’t really know why, I just wanted to say that.

Anyway, I hope this makes someone think about something, whatever it is, like, how to spell the word for those flat French hats, why you shouldn’t keep cows in the kitchen, who unleashed that tornado in your room anyways, or whatever else comes to mind. Until next time I post a depressing poem, God bless!

~Jessica