So it Begins...

A year and two weeks ago I graduated from high school.  It is strange, looking back, how much has changed in only a year!  Actually, it's more scary than strange.  It doesn't feel like much has changed; I feel the same.  But if I think about...um...everything...lots of things are different.  For instance...this time last year, I had no knowledge about how amazing Sweeny Todd is!  Or the awesomeness of Evita!  Even those two musicals have turned out to somehow affect me more than music normally does, that is only the surface of what has happened in the past year.

Directly after graduating, I was the same old me, I guess.  But the thing was, after I graduated, it was a little hard to get my thoughts together.  I had this feeling like I couldn't quite grip the floor to walk on it, and that cold air was being blown in one ear, through every nook and cranny of my brain, and out the other ear.  I don't know if this is the experience of everybody, or only people like me who, at that time, have no idea what their life's direction is.  Or if one even existed for me at all.  

I learned a lot.  Have I mentioned that?  I learned about freedom, serving, God, love, relationships, friendships, music, family....so many, many, many, many things.  

By the time I turned 18 in August, I had my head on straight enough to not freak out.  If I had turned 18 when I was 14, this would not have been the case, but there is a reason why I was not 18 when I was 14.  Still, a few days after turning 18 and starting my classes at Wake Tech, the temptations started pouring in out of nowhere like a giant vat of hot water in the sky got knocked over by someone.  Let's go clubbing.  Let's go to a bar.  Let's smoke.  I was almost lured in by the attractiveness of the "in crowd", the "cool people" who were "experienced."  (Yes, those were a lot of quotation marks.)  I don't know how I could have even for a moment considered wasting my time, energy, money, and brain power for an experience.  An experience that would cause me to compromise myself an hundred times in the duration of five minutes.  I thought about doing it without my parent's permission at first.  After all, I was 18!  I could do what I wanted to.  But...after a little thought, I didn't want to rebel.  It did nothing but give me a sick feeling all over.  I told my parents, and to my surprise they said I could do what I wanted to, though reminded me that they didn't think it was the best idea.  It didn't take much more thought to decline my invitations of "cool" status, and get on with my life.

In January I decided not to take classes in the spring semester.  I was tired of classes, especially since I was taking them without much of a clue as to where I was going in life (STILL).  Somewhere along the way, though, I sat down with my parents and discussed it all.  What did I want to do?  Well, I really like writing.  I'd really like to write a book; preferably more than one.  They agreed that, if I took my writing seriously, with my goals in mind, I could do that.  And another thing - I wanted to be a mom, right?  Right.  Then, there was one thing I needed to learn: how to be one.  I needed to learn more than just the basics of cooking, cleaning, and teaching.  Thus, I became, essentially, my mother's apprentice.  This has since developed into a split thing with my dad, since not only am I doing a little on-the-side bookkeeping for him, I am now working part time.  At this moment I feel bad because I am not getting as much done for my mom as I originally intended to, but I am working on better time management.  If anybody has any book or website suggestions on time management and all-around organization skills, I would be much obliged if you would mention them.       

I have learned a ton about God this year.  The main thing is that he is NOT just a shoulder to cry on or somebody I must resign myself to sharing my deepest thoughts with simply because I don't feel like I can tell anybody on earth.  I have learned more and more to appreciate what he has done for us.  How amazing his plan is.  He raised up the Israelites so that eventually they would help him save everyone.  I realized I can't give God anything he doesn't already have, even if the thought counts, because he gave me that thought.  I finally learned that works are for sanctification, but only belief can justify you.  And if you obey God, it's not for you; it is for his pleasure.  I don't know how I could have been so selfish to be constantly asking what the reason I have to obey God is, if I already believe in him and will be going to heaven.  I mean, I still wanted to do those things, but there was always the question of why.  And the only answer I could come up with was the half-baked "well, works must count for something; I'll probably get some trophies in heaven."  NO!!!!!  How could I have been so selfish?!??!?!  Works are for the good of mankind, and - primarily - to make God happy!  He has given me everything, and I don't even take the time out of my day to think that I might like to do something to make him happy.  I can't believe how ignorantly human I have been.  And another thing John Stonestreet (second favorite person now besides Jeff Meyers) said: "Look at it this way - the world was so bad, so terrible......that God died."  

Love and relationships!  Whoo-hoo.  Every year I grow a little wiser, I suppose, so that by some time soon I might actually be wise enough to get married.  This year, I learned a few very significant things.  One is that lust is bad.  Yes, I knew that, but I knew not what lust really was.  I thought it was something guys did.  Then I thought it may somehow include lusting about romantic happenings.  But now I realize it encompasses so much more.  A guy's cute face...staring at it...thinking about how cute he is...that is lust.  Dreaming about how a guy can satisfy you emotionally...that is lust.  I'm not trying to be legalistic here; the biggest thing about lust is it is an idol, and takes away from our passion for God.  We are concentrating on other things; things which distract from his glory.  And, really, it's not only lustful and idolatrous, but also covetous.  I will touch on this and others in later entries, most likely, so I will briefly mention other things I have learned in this category: close, one-on-one friendships with the opposite sex are not a good idea.  I'm not saying it's bad to be friends with the opposite sex; even good friends.  But when you get closer than that...let's just say for now that it is not a good setup for things in the future.  I definitely will touch on that in another entry.  Before moving on, I want to mention one more thing I've learned: Eventually, the amazing and very popular-with-the-giggly-girls-who-bat-their-eyes-and-twirl-their-hair guys with swishy hair DO notice the quiet, bookish, introverted, non-flirtatious girls after all, even if only for a moment.  :)

This year I have finally realized who my true friends are.  They are wonderful true friends; the best in the world.  For the first time in my life I have girl friends whom I can pour out my heart to, share everything with, and know they will understand and do the same.  I respect and love these girls with all of my heart.  I have guy friends, too, and while they are the best guy friends I could ever ask for, pouring my heart out to THEM is another matter addressed in the paragraph above; as in, I don't.  Nonetheless, I still love them like brothers.  Together we are one big happy family and I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.  

Music may seem a little less profound than the other subjects, but it is a major change.  In late May I wrote my first real song on the piano, after having written songs only on guitar for the past 3 years or so.  I really like the song I wrote, and after I wrote it, I decided that perhaps my family would like me to play more on the piano besides that one song, even though it was the only one I really knew besides little bits of Mozart and chopsticks here and there.  So I played a little "Moon River" here and some "Fancier Chopsticks" there (the latter was me making an attempt at sheet music reading, which didn't go off to well).  Finally, in mid-June I went to a play that my friends were in, and where another friend of ours played piano during intermission.  That piano playing made me think it would be interesting to write a instrumental piece on the piano.  5 days later, that little 3-minute piece was completed, and I liked it well enough.  After this, I started to write more.  Since then I have only completed one other instrumental piece, but I have many other very long musical ideas ready for completion whenever the inspiration strikes me.  I have written a few more songs on the piano, and a couple more on guitar.  I also got a tin whistle in August for my birthday, and have been picking that up as well.  I got a violin for Christmas, but at this moment posses absolutely no talent for the instrument, so I am on the lookout for instructional materials.  

Family...!!  I already loved my family, but now I love them even more.  That is really all I need to say.  

Things haven't been all sunshine and rainbows all the time.  Fortunately, I seem to be able to look back and remember most easily the things that were good.  I remember some of the bad things, too, but only things that were really, significantly unfortunate.  I didn't remember how mad I was at some people at some point, until I looked back at my journal during that time.  And I can see that I was mad just because I was being immature.  Yes, they were also being immature, but I was just as bad, probably worse.  But all in all, I remember the good things, and only the good outcome from the not-so-good things.  I believe I am a better person than I was a year ago.  Yeah, it sounds all serious.  I promise to write more [less serious stuff] this summer.  This fall is.....going to be extremely hectic if I don't get things under control before they begin.  But I know that if I trust God to lead and guide me day-by-day, everything will all fall into place.  

Thus begins another year of growing, changing, and shaping for me.  I don't know what doors are going to open, which ones are going to close, and which ones are going to stay open and stay closed.  God has been with me more and more as this past year has progressed.  I know that this next year will continue that trend, even through the challenges.  And I say: bring it on!

Of Weddings (and wanting to have one myself)

Yesterday a friend of mine was married. To a really great guy. Her entire courtship, engagement, and wedding seemed to kind of “hit home” to me more than I thought they would. She is only a few years older than me. I have known her ever since we were little. The guy came from a good family who was friends with her family long before the courtship. My friend had placed her love story in God’s hands, knowing that if she was to be married, the right man would come along and ask her. And he did. All of this made me realize that perhaps marriage isn’t just a dream of mine that will never come true because it is just too wonderful. My friend’s wedding seemed so real for me. Weddings are no longer what “older people have.” It is hard to describe this feeling, but I am sure that at least Lizzie knows how I feel. ;)

The first eleven or so years of my life, I just accepted that one day I would get married to a man. Not a boy, a man. Surely much like my dad (I still hold that ideal, thank you very much). When I turned 12...yeah, you’ve heard that story before. What can I say? I’m only 18 ½, so I only have that many years to draw stories from. But anyway, I started “liking” boys, and thought that the first boy I liked and I would start dating once I told him that I liked him, and then when I graduated from high school we would get married. He was four or five years older than me, and I was a foolish little girl, but that is alright now. A little bit later, around 13 and 14, I was so boy crazy that I didn’t care to see the end of anything. I wanted them to love me, possibly date them, and hope for the best. I didn’t listen to my parents, who were attempting to teach me the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”-ish approach. At least they had the power to say that I could not go on dates, and at least they kept me in their eyesight most of the time. So, yes. That story again. All of it to say that ever since I turned 17, I reverted back to “someday I am going to be married to a man.” Of course, I have had a few ideas of men or almost-men for God to destine for me. And every time I suggest someone he says, “Oh, yes, yes, that is nice,” nods absentmindedly, and gets on with HIS ideas. Like a writer who doesn’t want to take suggestions from his non-writer friends who don’t know how to write stories (I am not pointing any fingers, really!).

But along with the “someday” feelings, I have also felt an urgency to get married now. Have children now. I know, it is my biological clock, but it is a sometimes intolerable longing. It was worry...what if I never get married? What if I need to help God along and go hang out with some nice guys so I can have plenty of future husband options (I can’t decide if that is the stupidest idea I have ever had or not)? Everything was worry, anxiousness, not trusting God at all. I thought I was, but I wasn’t.

However, one night after a Radical Wednesday prayer meeting, some of us went out for subs afterwards, as the curse of being teenagers, athletes, and swimmers on top of that, is a triple-high metabolism than your average Joe (in other words, we are ALWAYS hungry, it seems). Kara and I, after food and drink, were much rejuvenated, so towards the time when we were about to leave, we started carrying on a conversation about life, as we often do. I won’t give you all the details of the conversation, but what I walked away with was her advice, straight from the Bible – “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” She added, “Sometimes, though, by delighting yourself in the Lord, your desires will change. But that is good, because your desires become HIS desires. And if you desire what the Lord wants for you, he WILL give you the desires of your heart!” Light bulb moment.

Since then, day-by-day I have delighted myself more and more in the Lord. He has shown me how to be content with what I am doing, instead of longing for something in the future. There is so much to do NOW, how could I not see it before?

God has not taken away my desire to get married. But he has carefully led me to a place where I know that marriage, for me, is for another time in my life. Soon, but not right now. Not till it is staring me right in the face, in fact. God showed me how to take the desire, put it aside, and focus on what IS in front of me. Working for my dad, helping my mom, writing, music, learning, being with friends, swimming, thinking, EVERYTHING I have at my fingertips right now. Marriage will be at my fingertips when the time comes. And I will know when the time comes, because, like all the things in my life now, I won’t have to seek it out. God will show me. It’s not like I am being lazy, saying “I am just going to sit here and be a religious couch potato till God’s will is right here in front of me.” But I understand that God’s will is something he reveals to me as I keep getting to know him more and more. I will seek his face, and everything else will follow. He wants me to trust him fully, not trust myself and my finding-out-what-life-is-for-on-my-own skills (which, I have discovered, are severely lacking). Every time I try to do something myself, I fail. I mean, it’s not like God cleans my room for me now or something. I do stuff here on earth. But I do it because I am supposed to; because God has made his will clear to me. I’m no prophet, though, of course. I don’t always get it right, and I mess up time and time again. It is so hard to describe this sensation. When I fall back on God, everything is clear and I know instinctively what to do.

It just IS. Does that make any sense?

Proverbs 3:5, 6 – “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

~Jessica

On Optimism, Part One

I have wondered, this past week or so, why I always seem to automatically look at the bright side of things.  It wasn't as if a year or two or however long ago I said to myself, "In order to be happier and improve my outlook on life, from now on I will always look at the bright side of any given situation."  It just happens; I just do.  And I have begun to think that the reason is some combination of events in my life thus far.  Vague, huh?  Let me try and explain...

When I was very young I would often go to my Grammy and Papa's (and then, Aunt Sue-Sue's) house.  Okay, I still do that, but for some reason it seems like I did it more a long time ago.  Anyways....whatever the occasion, other relatives would often stop by.  They would talk, and I would listen (I wouldn't look like I was listening, but I was, indeed).  I picked up on a lot of stuff, but one thing remains most prominent.  It was some celebration in the summer, 4th of July or thereabouts, and I was probably five or six.  Some guy-cousin or uncle, I can't remember, was explaining some long story to my Grammy as I had come inside the kitchen to cool off for a bit.  I can't remember what the story was, exactly, but I remember it being interesting.  After he finished telling the story, what my Grammy said next, while I filled up a glass of water at the refrigerator, was what has stuck for the past 13 or 14 years: "Wow...isn't it amazing how God always has a plan to eventually work out even the bad stuff for good?"  I meditated on this as I trumped back outside.  What if God really did?  I might have to wait a long time to find out!

It was a year or two later that I found out that this was a Bible verse (Thanks to Hide Him in Your Heart!), and like I said, it stuck with me.  I began noticing little child-like/childish things after a while.  Nothing huge, of course.  But I was always of the opinion that it was the coolest thing ever! (besides Beanie Babies and Juicy Juice, of course).  

I appeared to abandon the idea, however, as I took the rough ride into teenager-hood.  From ages 11 1/2 to almost 16, hormones started off on a bad nerve with me.  And if life seemed full of despair and desperation for me, I am a thousand percent sure that I made life complete hell for my parents.  At about age 14, I distinctly remember taking great pride in my decisive pessimism.  I was a pessimist!  I got angry about everything!  I really did, I am sure of it.  After all, I had to walk and talk the talk of my half punk/half grunge-goth "identity."  I thought I liked who I was, but in all honesty I have no memories of ever being truly happy and joyful at that time.  Every journal entry was mad at somebody because I wasn't allowed to do something, and contained many schemes for rebelling and plans for all I would "accomplish" once I turned 18.  

All of that to say firstly that I was horribly discontent and pessimistic, and secondly to apologize to everyone who was close to me during that stage.  I am surprised you all stuck it through, and commend you for it!  

But I suppose that, by the time I entered my Junior year, I had worn out most all of any pessimism I had been programmed with, besides the little healthy dosage left to make sure my life became dramatic at some points here and there so it remained "interesting."  I was far from through being resurrected from the depths of despair, but it was at that time that I joined my current improv group, and made some really good friends on swim team (before that, everyone I knew on the team was just a casual friend).  These two amazing groups of Godly people, along with the people I was already friends with at that time (those who stuck it through or stayed anyways, despite my entire existence being flawed at the time), and my wonderful family, dug me out of the hole I was in - by hand - and held me up to towards the Light; towards my heavenly Father.  Slowly, but surely, I have been changing for the better, with the help of them.  MOST importantly my parents, who never gave up on me and NEVER let me stray off completely to sell my soul to the world.  

Now I can see, though, that even as I completely and utterly regret those cursed year, wishing they had never happened, I can see that there are so many things that would not have happened and so many mistakes made later, were my wish to come true.  The consequences might be something as horrible as death or causing great shame to my family.  I may have gone off to college and fallen too far, without the desire for the help of godly friends or parental influence.  I might have never had the amazing opportunity of joining the Unintentionals.  Had I not been SO depressed at one point that my mother insist I join the homeschool swim team and swim all my frustrations out, I would not have the greatest group of friends on the entire planet.  And so much more!  

In other words, where would I be???  The outcome is unimaginable, even for me.  

So that, my dear friends (old friends, swim team friends, improv friends, and new friends....I love you all!), is one grand reason I am so entirely optimist all the time.  Even though something looks hopeless, I can almost guarantee it is NOT.  I wasn't hopeless, was I?  I might as well have seemed very much so; the 13-year-old  kid who dresses as grungily as she can and looks as angry as possible for her first therapy session in order to attempt to scare the psychologist off?  Yup, that is bad.  But now I am pretty sure my happiness level is consistently at about 98.5%, nearly all the time.  If I am not a miracle (not to sound full of it or anything) then I don't know what is.  Thanks so much, everyone, for everything!

~Jessica          

WARNING: This post shall contain absolutely no philosophy.

My, my, my.....

"Your what?"

*ahem* *starts over again* My, my, my, I think too much and blog too little.  All my thoughts go straight to my head, and hardly any go on paper, or screen, or whatever.  I was just thinking today how I love blogging, but blogging these days is going rather slow.  Some people have completely converted to Facebook.  I just simply re-post my blog posts on Facebook so that everyone is all happy (I have no idea if anyone actually reads them, but I can imagine that somebody along the way is happy).  I think the thing is that Facebook statuses are like really short blog entries, where I can say one thing and it starts an entire controversy.  It is really quite fascinating....5 seconds as opposed to 30 minutes to an hour of writing to create the same sort of response.  

Anyways, I will move on to other things, as each entry these days seems to start off with a long and annoying disclaimer about how I have not written in a long time.  At this moment, I am sitting in the kitchen, waiting for the chickens to reach 180 degrees inside and listening to the classical station on the radio.  I was listening to Relient K as I have been in a Relient K mood all day for some odd reason.  For the record, the album was "Five Score and Seven Years Ago", which I never really liked when it first came out because all the songs sounded the same and like all their other songs on their other CDs, thus driving me clinically insane and causing me not to endear myself to it at all, with the exception of "Must Have Done Something Right", or whatever it is.  But after wanting to listen to that song in the first place, and having done so, deciding to listen to the entire album all the way through while stuffing things up chickens, and I don't mind it as much as I did.  I can appreciate it lyrically.  Yes, so I was listening to that, and then it ended, and I was too lazy to walk the 30 feet to my bedroom and get a new CD, so I turned on the classical station. 

Have you ever noticed how chickens and Dickens rhyme?  It's pretty cool.

Yesterday I went to a square dance and....guess what.....?  I met some bloggy people and had TONS of fun!  I love dancing SO much....I can't even explain the passion that burns uncontrollably through my being, to be poetic-ish about it.  

I am getting a little tired of the people on the classical station asking for money.  OKAY!  It's back to music.  You know, it's funny how I walked back to my room to get my computer but didn't get any music.  

So I met Johnathan, AKA "Jos" in the blog world, and danced with him; I met Neil AKA Enil in the blog world and danced with him; and I met Abigail aka Abigail in the blog world, but did not dance with her, since she is a girl and all.  :)  Abigail is just as sweet as she is online, Johnathan has a REAL British accent!! and Neil is ever so Mr. Charming.  After the square dance, Lizzie, Allison, Sarah, and I went back to Lizzie and Sarah's house, made food, frolicked in the meadow, (well, just the front yard), and then ate the food and watched "Pride and Prejudice."  The new one.  I like that one best, but the entire time all my comrades could talk about was how Colin Firth is so much better and better looking.  Frankly I don't think that Colin Firth is any bit good-looking at all.  The new Mr. Darcy is better and better looking.  As usual, mine is an opinion that only the minority holds.  

Ah!  The chickens have completed their long journey in the oven.  

Keeping in the theme of the title of this post........um......I cannot philosophize about anything.  I am so incredibly boring that I cannot come up with anything else to write about.  Okay, that is NOT TRUE.  I hope.  Actually, my mind is preoccupied with visions of chickens dancing in my head, so I think I must leave you now to tend to them (they are sitting and steaming or something now...I'm just following the directions like the Doughnut Man said to do).   So long all mine faithful readers!

~Jessica 

Wait....what do you mean by "family"?

My siblings and I are staying at my grandparent's for a few days, and tonight my great-grandmother took Marck, Robert, Grammy, Papa, Aunt Eleanor, and I out to eat pizza.  While we were eating another family walked in.  At least, I guess it was a family.

It was a mom, a dad, and two boys.  One of the boys looked to be about five, and the other one may have been eleven or so.  The eleven-year-old was playing a game on his cell phone, and the five-year-old was playing one of those Nintendo DS carry-around things as they walked in.  The parents ordered and the kids were still playing their games.  I could hear the music from the games halfway across the restaurant. 

This playing continued as the older boy and the parents went to the salad bar and got salads.  Eating and playing, playing and eating.  There was barely any talking from the table at all.  Finally the older boy put his phone away, and a while later, the mom told the younger boy that it was time for the game to go bye-bye for now since the pizza was almost there.  The younger boy was on the verge of a fit, and got a little talking-to from his mother.  The rest of the time he was squirmy (more than a typical five-year-old), moving all around his chair and looking very bored as he too sporadic bites of his pizza.  The older boy brought out his cell phone again about halfway through their meal.  I couldn't hear or see the family talking at all.  It was just sad.

Now, maybe this family goes out to dinner all the time and this was just another meal for them.  But when our family sits down all together for a meal (which isn't too common) we like to actually spend time with each other while doing so.  Going out to eat is something we don't do that often (because of the cost and because of the non-health-benefits associated with it), but when we do, it is a fun family activity.  I like my family and I like being with them.  Sure, I went through a phase when I was on the younger side of the teen years when I would bring a book whenever we went out to eat because I guess I wanted to read more than I wanted to be with my family or something like that.  Hey, at least books are better for your than portable video games.  

I just wonder what the point of having a family is if you go through life like that....ignoring each other.  "Who are those big people again?  Yeah, those embarrassing ones who wake me up at five in the morning to get on the bus, and who magically place food in front of me at dinner time and remind me to brush my teeth at night.  Who are those little people I keep tripping over?  I don't know, but when I come into contact with them it is incredibly annoying.  And that semi-big person?  I don't know who he is either, but he doesn't seem to like me very much."

Siblings grow up and don't even know each other, even though they should be best friends.  Parents don't know their children and aren't involved in their lives enough to recognize if the kids are getting into stuff they shouldn't.  The kids who suck their brains out playing video games all day become ADHD, and the only solution seems to be to medicate them and/or let them play more video games.  The kids also become very wonderful at developing surface relationships and terrible at developing deep ones.

It is just so sad.  I feel sorry for that family and every single one like it.  It must be awful to go through life like that.  And so what if both your parents work and they provide a big house for you to live in, millions of toys (excuse me, video games and movies), drive you around in nice cars, can afford for you a brand new car when you turn 16, and you can eat at nice restaurants every night?  What is the point of all that if you all hate each other because you hardly know one another?  If I had to give up my relationships with my mom, dad, and brothers just so I could have the life of luxury that everyone wishes they had at some point(s) or another, I wouldn't even think twice about doing it.  As long as I have my family I wouldn't mind a dumpster.  Okay, yes I would.  Maybe I should have used a different analogy.  A really bad looking lean-to shelter thing.  NOT a dumpster.  And not a port-a-potty.  

My parents have said that I can live with them forever if I want to.  Of course, not in the loser-who-lives-in-his-parent's-basement-and-plays-online-all-the-time kind of way.  In the way where I (eventually) will have a job/career around here someplace, so I can contribute to the house expenses, and I will help my mom keep the house as I do now.  Even if my brothers marry and move out (which I don't want them to till I get married, but in case that doesn't work out), I will stay with my parents, more than likely.  I guess if I get a job somewhere not close by I will have to move out, but I really don't want to live by myself, or with a bunch of girls.  I would want to live with a man, because otherwise I wouldn't feel safe.  So the only solutions are to live with a family wherever I move to, or get married.  Or just bloody stay here ;).  I don't know.  God will light my path when I get to that point.  Really, I want to only have two families in my life - the one I am living in now, and the one I start in the future when I get married.  

And I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to lose contact with my friends.  You guys are the greatest!!!  

~Jessica   

Love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!!!!!

Stupid word.

Really?  I am in it for the chocolate. 

I don't mind Valentine's Day.  I'm no Scrooge like SOME people I know.  But Valentine's Day does get annoying, though I can't place my finger on what it is exactly.  When I was younger (from age twelve to age 15), I mourned the coming of Valentine's Day.  There I was again without somebody to love.  Silly little me.  At age 16, I thought it would be nice to get a rose.  I wasn't sure from whom, but I thought a rose was definitely in order for myself.  I had a dream around that time about a rose received from the man who was to become my husband (in my dream, though I never really saw his face of course), and I got upset that the petals started to dry up; I thought it meant that our love would dry up similarly.  But then the dried petals fell away and revealed a new rose, which was more vibrant, beautiful, and fragrant than the original.  And I guess that meant my Someone and I would live happily ever after, but I don't remember.  Anyways, at at 17 (which was last year), I can't remember.  I have no idea why I can remember something that happened to me two years ago, but not a year ago.  But it's like I've said before at some point...I got short term memory loss when I turned 17.  Hm...*checks blog entries around that time*  *sees some post about ruling over the Platinum lane*  *chuckles to self as she and Nathan were just trying to take over again*  *recalls that whenever there is something to be in charge of or taken over, she and Nathan are always either accomplices or enemies, but both at the top of the food chain, nonetheless*  *wonders at this*  *becomes silent and thoughtful for a moment*  *snaps out of it*

Well, it doesn't matter how I felt last year, I suppose, though I would really like to know, since right now it feels like I am squinting down a black hole of a memory trying to see what was going on, but failing miserably.  This year, however, I view things in a different way.  I guess.  I wouldn't know, but I'm sure I do.  *GASP*  I have GOT to call Elayna back!  *looks at clock*  It's always the wrong time to call her.  Either her family is doing school, I'm supposed to be doing school, I've got somewhere to go, she is eating dinner, I am making messy concoctions in the kitchen (you couldn't recognize the phone after my mom called when I was in the middle of making biscuits the other night).  If you are Elayna and you are reading this and I have not called you back by now, I am VERY sorry because I do keep meaning to.  But as I write this it is late at night and you all are probably going to bed.  

What was I saying?  Oh, yes.  Valentine's Day.

So.  Romance abounds, eh?  Yurp, sounds fun.  I have decided, however, that I do not want to go on a date for Valentine's Day unless:  

a)  It is for the purpose of proposing 

b)  We are already engaged

c)  We are already married

And since I have officially said that now, it would be recommended that whoever my Someone is NOT set Valentine's day to be the day of the proposal, because it would not be a surprise (which I would want it to be, despite not being overly fond of surprises), and also if we started courting....*cough* *sputter* *choke*....trouting in January or even December, it might be wise not to rush into engagement just because of the occasion of Valentine's Day.  And, as a matter-of-fact, I do not want to be proposed to on Valentine's Day.  I don't know why, but I just don't.  So maybe I shouldn't even consider number "a".  

Yes, I said number "a".  Don't panic.

Right now I just want to use Valentine's Day as an excuse to have a fun day to get together with girl friends and eat lots of junk food and watching romance movies, sappy or not.  My vote is for Pride and Prejudice, of course.  The new one...what a lovely movie!  It's just....perfect.  I love the scenery and the music more than anything else.  I wish I lived in England in the eighteenth century.  In the countryside.  And I wish I had a Mr. Darcy.  But that is fine.  

Valentine's Day is such a stupid concept, though.  What is the point?  For the record, every kiss does NOT begin with Kay!  If it did, Kay Jewellers would  have all the money in the world and would rule over all of us.  Would you like a jewellery store to rule over your lives?  I don't think so.  

And another thing......engagement rings.  I'm not staring at them night and day wondering which one will be on my finger.  I don't demand the biggest, most expensive one.  But I do want one.  It is only sensible.  As Elizabeth Elliot's father taught her brothers, a man should not say "I love you" till the engagement ring is on the woman's finger.  It's a symbol of a promise to marry, and I think that symbol is very important.  Again, I am not sure why, but that is what I think.  

Anyways, that's my take on Valentine's Day and the like for now.  

~Jessica    

Break out the Buckshot...

I have been looking back over the comments for the last two entries and I have realized something....I am probably sounding proud or stuck-up.  So I would like to apologize if any of you took it that way.  I don't mean to sound that way at all.  I don't want to completely blame it on the fact that I am so entirely exhausted of other people telling me what to do with my life whenever I meekly state what I am "thinking about doing" or what I "guess I believe."  But it does get annoying and right now I assume that I can attribute my recent attitudes to these sorts of situations.  Still, that is no excuse.  

Maybe I have subconsciously set my mind to being more confident and assertive.  I don't know...*hides under a box*...I don't want to sound like, "This is what I am doing so get over it, punk."  That isn't what I mean at all.  I mean, "This is what I am doing, since this is what I am doing and all" -- if you get what I mean by that.  I am not stating that I am "homeschooling college" because I am just so much better than all of you.  I am calling it that because I am of college age and I am learning in a way that is in essence homeschooling.  That is just what I am doing.  I don't expect you to like it.  You can have a problem with it.  You can tell me that you have a problem with it, and I will take a deep breath, count to ten, and tell you that it is what I am doing, and it's just as good as whatever you are doing, and then we can all hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosie.  

By now I am sure you are all well aware of my political stance (which is that I would rather live by myself in the Bermuda Triangle, really...).  I don't want to push it over on anyone, but if others are overlooking the facts and going along with whatever all the other Americans are saying, then I would like to wave my hand in front of their face and show some people what America is really like.  It helps to know; to be aware and informed.  But that didn't really help, as it never does in debates.  So oh-well about that.

I really don't like being angry.  It stresses me out.  Last night I went to a basketball game between our Hawks and NRCA.  While exciting, I cannot even begin to explain how mad I got at the refs and at all their negative-cheering fans/students/alumni.  I won't go into detail about how stupid it all was.  But somehow I had fun rooting and doing positive cheering (even though at one point a couple of NRCA girls scoffed and told us to "shut up, guys" [in heavy valley girl accents]).  In between the JV and Varsity games we went to Sarah and Lizzie's house, where we all ate salads, soup, and sandwiches and sat around talking about how frustrating everything was.  Good times.  

This is SUCH a cliche thing to say, but I really wish there could be world peace FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  Why can't we all just get along?  What about friendly competition?  Where is the love?  I grow up thinking that everyone gets along, and then I get a reality wake-up call that everyone is NOT nice, including me.  I just will pray that every day I can take a shovel and dig out a little bit of all the anger I harbor in my heart.  Maybe one day I will clear it all out.  It is just a burden that is making me into a mean, selfish little lady.  Maybe there was a reason why Ms. Denman always cast me as evil witches and things like that.....

I guess selfishness makes us human.  It's sad....maybe I don't want to be human.  Well, Paul tells the Corinthians to aim for perfection.  I will do my best.  So long!

~Jessica 

Some Reflections on 2008

Books I’ve Read (I am pretty sure it is the shortest list I have ever had)
The Turn of the Screw by Henry James
Quest for Love by Elizabeth Elliot
Nicholas Nickelby by Charles Dickens
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Avonlea
Anne of the Island
Anne of Windy Poplars
Anne’s House of Dreams
Anne of Ingleside
Rainbow Valley
Rilla of Ingleside by L. M. Montgomery
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
King Lear
A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Under the Tuscan Sun by Francine Prose
The Sea Wolf by Jack London
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson
Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
Into the Forest by Jean Hegland
Marriage and Family by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer
Beowulf translated by Seamus Heaney
The Secrets of Songwriting by Susan Tucker
Thr3e by Ted Dekker
Let Me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot


Favorite Movie of 2008
I actually didn’t see that many movies, at least ones that were released this year. I kind of liked the Batman movie and the Twilight movie, but nothing really amazing stood out to me.


Favorite Songs Released in 2008
Low – Flo-ri-a ft. T-Pain
4 Minutes – Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
Viva la Vida – Coldplay
Won’t Go Home Without You – Maroon 5


Favorite Songs that I’ve Listened to in 2008
All the TSO songs
All the Nickel Creek songs
Ben Folds, “The Luckiest”
Sweeny Todd Soundtrack
Evita Soundtrack


New Friends I’ve Met (in person…those who I have not met in person yet, I hope you are on this list at the end of 2009!)
Becca
Scott
Alex
Maryn
Moriah
Natalie


Things I’ve Done
Graduated
Gotten a laptop
Turned 18
Started to take piano more seriously
Discovered a love for composing and not just simple songwriting
Realized I don’t have to get married RIGHT NOW
Gotten more interested in reading my Bible and theology in general
Heard my life calling from afar
Completed an undefeated swimming season

Gone real camping for the first time

Tried my hand at sewing clothes (I have yet to see what the finished product will resemble)
Been more passionate than ever about homeschooling my own kids
Decided college is not for me (“college torture, / college university! / Arts and crafts is all I need, / I’ll take calligraphy / and then I’ll make a fake degree…”)
Played Ultimate Frisbee and really liked it
Won my heat and placed 10th for butterfly at the TSA championships
Started this blog
Decided I’m VERY done bragging about my accomplishments


Best Thing of 2008:
NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to start learning… :)


My thoughts at the beginning of the year:
My GOSH…I am going to graduate and THEN WHAT!?!??!?
And
If I don’t get married to *insert name here* then I don’t know what I will do!

My Thoughts at the end of the year:
You have to take time to listen to what God’s plans for you are. But he will reveal them to you eventually.
And
Right now I have as much chance of marrying ______ or _______ as I do anybody else in the world. So why should I give anybody, especially them, any romantic attention or thought right now? Crushes, no matter how you justify them, are crushes and mean nothing….

~Jessica