Imagine

Music and Lyrics by Jessica


Sunlight dips down
Through the field of my soul
Casting waves of springtime
O’er the dew on the grass

When my mind drifts away
It stumbles and shakes
As it trips through the sea
Of my memory

And the things I long for
I might just die for
If they dared come true

Imagine...
Imagine...

The velvet belief
That all is as it seems
Causes my mind to doubt
All that’s happened to me

That my dreams now
Pale to real life
Are the midnight souls
Finally one?

Yet I cannot seem to tell
And perhaps I’ll never know
If this is my dream come true

Imagine...
Imagine...

Residing

Music and lyrics by Jessica

(Verse One)
Carry me home
Where is home to me anyway
A lonely old house
Surrounded by new buildings

The world is
At a beginning but at an end
I do not know
Will you show me the way

(Channel)
Confiding, residing
But washed away with tears
I know that you know
I’m losing all I hold dear

(Chorus)
Where will I go
Now that I know
Somebody loves me

How will I find
Someone who’s mine
Lives up to the way

(Verse Two)
Am I done here
But is here really here at all
A river of thoughts
Watch as it’s drained away

(Channel Two)
Losing, choosing
Memories carried away
You know that I know
It’s not safe, I can’t stay

(Chorus)

(Channel Three)
Abiding, Confiding
But blown away by the breeze
Oh no, don’t you go
I’m asking begging you please

(Bridge)
I’ll sail away
Will you follow me
As I’m leaving you
Nothing to say
Can’t you just agree
There’s nothing for us to do
But let it go…

Sounds of the Morning

Music and Lyrics by Jessica


Verse One
The sentiments of judgment
Scarce can find
A blanket covering my fears

And the gracious bare sun glint
An empty abbey
Drowning out all my cries with the tears

Chorus
Oh how the whippoorwill calls
Sweet like honey
As the woodpecker hammers
Rushing brook
Sounds of the morning
Far away for now
Far away for now

Verse Two
Mind wanders through the days
Blend together
Sensibility lost in a hurricane

The pain is now throbbing
Sky is dark
Cut off from love’s army

Bridge
Do you look at me
Do you see me
Why is it solely one
Me thinking you’re the only one

Warm association
Pleasant sound vibration
Am I calloused
To my longing and desire?

Verse Three
Anxious and eager
A blank white wall
Don’t know why I hold you so dear…

Here

Music and Lyrics by Jessica


Cool breeze dries a painted picture
My hair is tossed in the wind
Somehow I saw this far
Though I didn’t know who you are

I want to stay right here forever
Knowing I’m right—you love me, too
What have I been thinking all this time?
It’s not a joke that I could call you mine


Stay right here a little while
I’m so entranced by your smile
Why did I deny my love for you?
Strange how we were both so fooled


Sun shines, but the trees protect me
Lush green where I saw you first
The moment is here, but is it right?
How could I have let you see the light?


So distracted, but now we see
I hope I look at you the same way you look at me
Not another trace of fear
My heart’s so happy now you’re here


A division of two sides of me
One for you…maybe
But I know you see me here
Please don’t hesitate to come so near

Roundabout

I pirated this from Allison and here's what I got from shuffling the songs and answering the questions with the titles:

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY...
"He's a Pirate."  (Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Siberian Sleigh Ride."  (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GIRL/GUY?
"Unchained."  (Van Halen)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Gone."  (TobyMac)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"The Old Church."  (John Doan)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Snow Hey-Oh."  (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF VERY OFTEN?
"Mirrors and Smoke."  (Jars of Clay)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Low."  Flo-ri-da ft. T-Pain.  (good grief...this is false! :P) 

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Right Now."  (Van Halen)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Epiphany."  (Sweeny Todd soundtrack)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"O Fortuna."  

WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Can You Feel the Love Tonight?"  (Lion King soundtrack) 

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"High Flying, Adored."  (Evita soundtrack)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"It's My Life."  Bon Jovi

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Adding to the Noise."  (Switchfoot)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Jefferson Aeroplane."  (Relient K) 

A PERFECT DAY INCLUDES...
"The Moment."  (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Made to Love."  (TobyMac)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Roundabout."  (Yes)

Some Reflections on 2008

Books I’ve Read (I am pretty sure it is the shortest list I have ever had)
The Turn of the Screw by Henry James
Quest for Love by Elizabeth Elliot
Nicholas Nickelby by Charles Dickens
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Avonlea
Anne of the Island
Anne of Windy Poplars
Anne’s House of Dreams
Anne of Ingleside
Rainbow Valley
Rilla of Ingleside by L. M. Montgomery
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
King Lear
A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Under the Tuscan Sun by Francine Prose
The Sea Wolf by Jack London
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson
Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
Into the Forest by Jean Hegland
Marriage and Family by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer
Beowulf translated by Seamus Heaney
The Secrets of Songwriting by Susan Tucker
Thr3e by Ted Dekker
Let Me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot


Favorite Movie of 2008
I actually didn’t see that many movies, at least ones that were released this year. I kind of liked the Batman movie and the Twilight movie, but nothing really amazing stood out to me.


Favorite Songs Released in 2008
Low – Flo-ri-a ft. T-Pain
4 Minutes – Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
Viva la Vida – Coldplay
Won’t Go Home Without You – Maroon 5


Favorite Songs that I’ve Listened to in 2008
All the TSO songs
All the Nickel Creek songs
Ben Folds, “The Luckiest”
Sweeny Todd Soundtrack
Evita Soundtrack


New Friends I’ve Met (in person…those who I have not met in person yet, I hope you are on this list at the end of 2009!)
Becca
Scott
Alex
Maryn
Moriah
Natalie


Things I’ve Done
Graduated
Gotten a laptop
Turned 18
Started to take piano more seriously
Discovered a love for composing and not just simple songwriting
Realized I don’t have to get married RIGHT NOW
Gotten more interested in reading my Bible and theology in general
Heard my life calling from afar
Completed an undefeated swimming season

Gone real camping for the first time

Tried my hand at sewing clothes (I have yet to see what the finished product will resemble)
Been more passionate than ever about homeschooling my own kids
Decided college is not for me (“college torture, / college university! / Arts and crafts is all I need, / I’ll take calligraphy / and then I’ll make a fake degree…”)
Played Ultimate Frisbee and really liked it
Won my heat and placed 10th for butterfly at the TSA championships
Started this blog
Decided I’m VERY done bragging about my accomplishments


Best Thing of 2008:
NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to start learning… :)


My thoughts at the beginning of the year:
My GOSH…I am going to graduate and THEN WHAT!?!??!?
And
If I don’t get married to *insert name here* then I don’t know what I will do!

My Thoughts at the end of the year:
You have to take time to listen to what God’s plans for you are. But he will reveal them to you eventually.
And
Right now I have as much chance of marrying ______ or _______ as I do anybody else in the world. So why should I give anybody, especially them, any romantic attention or thought right now? Crushes, no matter how you justify them, are crushes and mean nothing….

~Jessica

Video of the Week

Okay...here they are. Keith and Kristyn Getty performing my new favorite song of theirs.....*tear* *sigh* It's about how they would walk the Ribbon Roads of Ireland together, long before they even started really courting, and how they still love to do that...how it's just so beautiful there. It's just such a sweet song.....*goes off to get some more tissues before she watches it again*



The Ribbon Roads keep rolling
By castle and shore
I remember every rhythm
Of wild ocean roar
There we have wandered
As dream dwellers roam
The Ribbon Roads keep rolling
From long, long ago

The Ribbon Roads keep rolling
Unbroken and free
Full of hidden memory
That calls you and me
If footsteps could whisper
They surely would tell
The Ribbon Roads keep rolling
With songs they know well


Oh my love and friend of mine
Walk with me till the end of time
Hold my hand mile after mile


Oh the Ribbon Roads keep rolling
They’re heavy with sighs
They seem like shining rivers
In rain-blackened skies
But here comes the morning
In crimson and green
The Ribbon Roads keep rolling
As they’ve always been

Oh the Ribbon Roads keep rolling
From dusk until dawn
The road that we have taken
Has taken us on
We see where we came from
And see distant bends
The Ribbon Roads keep rolling
Till our journey ends…

A Different Song

Love stopping the magic
Of the day slipping by
You’re not the one for me
Is that something I can accept?

The time ticking by
Ruining the meter
Of the song we once sang
Is that something permanent?

Ever willing to hope
For your return
The fire burning
Flames licking my heart

I cannot feel any love
But the love I imagine
Can I go on
Write a new song

A melody devoid of emotions
No feelings as I once had
Channeling my senses
Into someone else

But will that someone
Do me the same as you did
Can I go on and sing my song
Loud and appassionato

You cannot see
How much you meant to me
And I won’t tell
How much you’ve made my life hell

But I’ll paint a picture
I’ll write a new song
Take off my shoes
Walk away
Today…

~JCB

Video of the Week

Okay, here's how this is going to work. It's not necessary, but before watching the actual Video of the Week, you need to first watch at least a little bit of each of the preceeding videos. Okay, you don't have to watch.......that is, if you are already a Nickel Creek fan!!!! :D






Okay, now for the feature film... ;)

Testing Using Toxic...

Don't worry...it's just Nickel Creek. AGAIN!!! But I'm going to put a video on here if it's the last thing I do! And Chris Thile is just too funny in this video...

Cute...I like them...

Now, I've never posted a video before. If this doesn't work in the next ten minutes, I'll just post a link to it. Be prepared for a lot of banging around as I attempt to figure this all out:

Okay, you can officially forget it. I hate computers. Um...if somebody who already knows how to put youtube videos on a blog post could ever-so-nicely explain it to me, I'd be much obliged and forever in your debt. In the mean time, watch these two girls in this funny little film:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apaxo6WJm-g

Oh, and while I'm at it...here's a couple Rhett and Link videos of the two songs they played at Bible study that aren't on their albums...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCu5ojNlpi0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqmJ4pZkXlQ

And there's no need to forget my obsession with Nickel Creek...EVER!!! Here's another video, this time with their song "Young":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM5NF5UAhag

Have fun, and don't forget my video-from-the-internet posting lesson! :D

The Ocean-Side Holiday, Part One

Yes, yes, yes...I am attempting to come up with a more creative title than Lizzie again. I'll just admit that right off so I don't get any accusations.

So we're here on Emerald Isle at the beach until Monday. Yesterday, we got on the road late as usual (so perhaps we could just call it "right on time" by now, since we've been doing this annually for the past six years). Our first stop was a thrift shop called "Second Fling", where we always end up stopping on the way here. Our grandparents and aunt were there as well (they come with us to the beach). It's a big store, and they always have the biggest selection of used purses I've ever seen. As we all know, money likes to just slip through my fingers, but at least I make quick decisions. I bought two purses, one for a dollar and one for four dollars. The one for four dollars is the cream-colored twin of my brown purse I've had for a couple years now...I was very excited to find it, but my dad declared in a very prissy fashion that I couldn't carry it till after Easter. :P The other one is casual, has no compartments, and barely fits everything. But I like it anyways. It's just one of those ADD things...I need to change purses often.

Next we stopped at McCall's and got the buffet lunch. I ate a lot, of course. We had a few memories of March 2007 when we took a special trip to the Atlantis, a hotel on this same island that allows dogs, and we brought Nancy. We went to McCall's but we couldn't go in and eat because of the dog, so my dad let Nancy out to do her business in the grass next to the building, and my mom walked through the drive through.......um, anyways, after McCall's we drove the rest of the way to the beach, listening to "Bridge to Terabithia" on CD (I'm actually liking it). We got to the beach, celebrated, unloaded, got very hot, adjusted the air conditioner and turned on all the fans, and put on some shorts. Eventful, huh?

I watched Marck and Robert tumble about in the ocean for a while, before we all came in, and I started reading "Twilight." For a while I refused to read them...but after going into Harry Potter deprivation this summer, I thought it might be good for my soul to find a replacement series. Anne of Green Gables is a good series, but it's not close genre-wise to Harry Potter. And after a lot of "You should SO TOTALLY read the Twilight books...they're friggen AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!", I decided to investigate, asking some real people what they thought. Okay, everybody is a real person, but seriously...I asked people who gave me real advice, if you understand what I mean. Most either gave me a description, but one just told me flat-out what I wanted to know, and that was about the core elements. I'm on chapter six and I'm liking it so far, but I think it's definitely a girl book. But I think I'm liking it a lot better than what I was originally planning to read at the beach, "The Truth About Forever" by Sarah Dessen.

So I woke up this morning, and I thought we were having pancakes, but then we weren't. So we "just ate cereal and stared out the window......." that's a rephrasing from "Jefferson Aeroplane" by Relient K, if you didn't know. I like that song, it makes me happy. After breakfast I made a to-do list. Do you know how awful it is to have to make a to-do list for the beach? It's terrible. And you know why it is? I have to incorporate writing my rough draft for Brit Lit...on Beowulf. Whoopie. Can't you just see the enthusiasm on my face and hear the elated-ness in my voice? If you can't...you're not deaf or blind...I wouldn't mind doing it half as much if I didn't have to do it instead of doing beach things.

After making my mild depression-and-anxiety-inducing list, we got on our suits and sunscreen and headed for the water, where we again tumbled about for a couple hours. Of course, we got hungry again, so we came in and ate...I searched Beowulf for descriptions of Grendel...and then we started watching "Charlie and Lola." We have...an odd fascination with the show. We're not sure if it's healthy. Last year we spent all our time watching "Shaun the Sheep." Ah...good times, good times.

I went to Best Buy Wednesday night (running into Elayna in the process...um, not literally), and got the other two Nickel Creek CDs, "This Side" and "Why Should the Fire Die?" I can't decide which one I like better, but my favorite from "This Side" is a song called, "Green and Gray." Immediately after that song is the album-title song that I really like too.

Well, that's what's been happening these days. I love the beach. But now I've got to go out to the pool and teach Robert breastroke so he can make swim team next week...wish me luck!

Until I hail again from the beach,
Jessica

Sometimes other people say it better...

Incase you were wondering how I feel right now…it’s weird. This entry is long, but not because of me. I just put the lyrics to three songs on here…links so you can listen. I love these songs right now, and “Viva la Vida.” I didn’t put that on here, figuring that at this moment it’s popular enough…

SUDDENLY I SEE - -KT TUNSTALL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-At6avvY_4

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me


STILL FIGHTING IT - - BEN FOLDS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOI1HAq4XcU

Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combos only $9.95
Its okay, you don’t have to pay
I’ve got all the change

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
Its so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we’ll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you ‘bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
You’ll try and try and one day you’ll fly
Away from me

Good morning, son
I am a bird
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
Its so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
Were still fighting it, were still fighting it
Oh, were still fighting it, were still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry


WHEN YOU COME BACK DOWN - - NICKEL CREEK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNtxQ3CQhhA – live performance…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGXt8TLxmM0&feature=related – Normal recording, with LotR Images…(just look away and listen...it's cheesy and ruins the whole song)

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away

When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire

I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly
If you get too high, I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down


Aren’t those great songs…? *sigh*

One of "Those" Entries...

I have just been informed by a certain “Allison”-type-person that I need to update my blog. Thus, this entry...

Many of you are probably wondering how my life has been since my last entry. Well…it’s been just fine, thanks for allowing me to ask for you. The family reunion was kind of a bummer in the area of my own generation, but the two above mine were fine people, resulting in many fine relationships with older people. This generation is just not RIGHT sometimes, you know? However, we homeschoolers and ex-homeschoolers are just fine, am I right, or am I right? Ha ha…sorry for the generalization about non-homeschoolers. Y’all are pretty much okay, I guess…especially since my parents are included in that category.

Anyways, I had an itchy spot and I scratched it and I believe I feel slightly sun burnt. Allow me a moment to check. Okay…only on that small line right before my tan line, where I seemed to have missed putting sunscreen. It’s on both sides. Fancy that. At least I am consistent and symmetrical in my inconsistent unsymmetrical ways.

So the Totally Amazingly B’gorious Seahawks stole another win, leaving us completely UNDEFEATED!!! It is very amazing, considering that at the beginning of last season we were at the bottom of the last division. That’s a bit of a comeback, I’d say. So I believe we get a trophy, and get to move up at least one division, which will make me happy. The thing is that I won’t be able to swim in the fall because of time, won’t be able to compete in the fall because of graduating, and will only have one summer left (next summer…) before having to completely move on forever. However, I am making plans to continue to play water polo (I almost typed “water polka”, which is something a little similar to “water disco” which Matt and I are currently working on perfecting) on the day that Coach has that, which I hope is Wednesday (or Monday)…although I just realized that with the school schedule I have now (not much) I would be able to make it on Tuesday or Thursday. Anyhooness, I really like water polo. Have I ever said that? And I scored a goal on Matt yesterday. Yes, that’s an accomplishment. I think…better go check before bragging more…

Today was nice. I had planned to wake up at six, work out some, take a shower, get ready and go with Elizabeth B. to Wake Tech to clear up some advising stuff. Well, I don’t remember staying up too late last night, though I don’t remember what time I went to sleep, either. And what was I doing…? I seem to recall some faint vision of playing the guitar or something, but then I think that was the night before…well, I don’t know what I was up to. It’s not really important anyway. The point is that I woke up at ten after seven and Elizabeth was supposed to pick me up at eight. I looked in the mirror and…my hair was even on both sides, even though I slept in it! I was amazed. I had to straighten out my bangs a bit, wash my face, put on a little makeup and drink some coffee, and I was ready to go.

We stopped by MacDonald’s for breakfast, and don’t you all just go assuming I didn’t drink more coffee there or anything…that would be ridiculous. We when to Tech, got our advising, I bought my books, and then we went up to Target and Best Buy to look for birthday presents for Michelle. I was about to say what I got for Michelle, but then I remembered she reads my blog sometimes. Um…I also got a new purse finally, because one of the straps on my beloved light brown leather back pack broke, and for some reason the amount of things I keep in my purse has grown since last time I used either of my other purses, so I needed a new one. Thus, a very nice dark brown “leather” purse from Target. I was about to go into a purse crisis, you see. Too small, too big, too shiny and sparkly, too beach bag-ish. But this one is perfect. You know, I should start naming my purses. Hmmm…

I went to the Bradburn’s for lunch where Michelle had prepared some very yummy chicken-thing, with a side of some squash-thing (sorry to totally butcher the names of the dishes, but I can’t remember them…it was great anyways). While she was cooking that, Elizabeth and I looked at some clips on YouTube from “Across the Universe” which is a new movie using Beatles songs for the musical numbers.

I think it would be neat to take the work of some singer or band and make that into a musical. Like they did with Abba in “Mamma Mia.” So today I started thinking about, if I did that, how I would do it, and who I would use. But the thing is that a moment later I realized that I would want to use my own music to go with whatever story I needed the music for. Still, I guess it’s a cool kind of challenge to write a story around existing music, at least for me, anyways. And…that got me thinking that what if I took my own songs and wrote something around them? So I am opening my little binder where I keep most of my finished songs, and the first song, “Understand” is…too wordy and complicated. I don’t know what you think, but songs for musicals shouldn’t be that way. They should be concise and straightforward. Or maybe that’s redundant, but you know what I mean. Second song, “Here” (Rachel J.’s favorite song), is…reflective…you know? I change tenses in this song. No I don’t. There’s just a flashback-thingy. Never mind. Third song, “Residing”, is…longish, but that’s not bad. Actually might work. And actually-actually…it might work better for this thingy I was writing and thinking about turning into a musical that I started writing lyrics for…I don’t know. I like this song though. Fourth song… “Elijah”. Ah, yes…straightforward and concise, no doubt about that. Though not very musical-ish. The fifth song, “Away”, has too much imagery to be in a musical. “Hating One, Loving One, Expecting One”, the sixth song, might work. A monologue kind of thing…yeah. So that’s two so far. The seventh…it really, really, really depends on the context…and that’s a bit more of a personal song anyway. And there’s the part where she’s explaining and the part where she’s talking to the one she’s explaining about. That could be broken up into two songs…oh! To expand “Rockwell”…that would be really cool! I could devise the whole plot around “Rockwell”! Now I’m getting excited. It’s nice to have this blog-thing to brainstorm on. Okay. Three down…or three and a half. “The Freedom In-Between” seems like it could be a good musical song, and it may fit well. Very straightforward. “Time” is even more so…and would work well as well. Five and a half already! Well…now I was just thinking “Sounds of the Morning” and “Questions” were very imagery-laden and wordy songs, but looking at them…they’d make good heartfelt solos. They are kind of alike. Though I guess the only reason I think so is because I wrote them at about the same time. “A Confession” isn’t finished, but it would do for something. This is fun, but now we’re getting into my older depressing stuff. “Forever Winter”…hm…aside from being perfect for a Narnia musical (though no Miss Denmans requested to use it [gee, I wonder why…marketing usually helps]). “Your Own” may be of some good use after all…and “December”. Wow, that’s an interesting song. Not so sure about that. “Leave it at That” is a good musical-type song…if it can be incorporated. I hate “You and Me.” I know it’s Joanna’s favorite song I’ve ever written, but it’s just a musical cliché and I really hate those. But if musical clichés sell, then…whatever. I’ll have to deny myself the pride of writing something ingenious and go for the cash, I guess. So that’s all in that folder. There are a few others I’m working on which may work…well, whatever. Just some stuff to put in my thinker.

After lunch, Elizabeth dropped me off at the pool, where I finally got to spend some time with Elayna. Then…surprise! One of my friends and her mom came to the pool! Marck was a little disappointed because the two brothers in that family couldn’t come. They had come straight from shopping or something, so my friend had to swim in some clothes which dragged a whole lot, but it was all okay. We went diving down to the bottom of the diving pool, and I helped her on her dive and her butterfly. She says my butterfly is as pretty as ballet, and I’m like a graceful serpent moving through the water…*sniffle* *sniffle* *tear*…how…nice…*sniff*. She actually said “snake”, but “serpent” sounds much more romantic, don’t you think?

After Elayna left, my aunt stopped by the pool, and came over to our house afterwards. Haylea shared some brownies with me, and Charlie informed me that he was going to college in Tennessee. EVERYBODY IS GOING TO TENNESSEE. Jeffrey, Micah, and now Charlie. Wonderful. Well, it is nice there. I’d go live there, out in the country somewhere. And I remember there was this really cool science museum in Chattanooga. That’s such a weird name. Weirder than Kalamazoo. I think Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Durham, Knightdale, Zebulon, Wake Forest, and Chapel Hill are very elegant names.

The song in my head right now is “Annie Waits” by Ben Folds. I like that song, FYI.

So, it’s sad. The last thing for summer swim team is this Tuesday. Water polo playoffs, the fun meet, and the awards banquet. Then it’s done. Finished. I’m going to start crying (again)…I hope…oh, yeah. I already talked about this, didn’t I? Well, gee. Maybe I should stop thinking about the end of swim team so much. FOCUS, Jessica. There’s things to be done around here, like…like…AHHHHHHH!!! I am about to GO CRAZY!!! Do you understand what I mean? When you just get a sudden inspiration to get SOMETHING done RIGHT NOW…when you literally get all twitchy and feel like if you don’t do something, for heaven’s sake, you’ll just go absolutely insane and start running around the back yard in a panicked manner, pulling your hair out and stamping it into the ground? That last sentence was actually taken from a dialogue in a book I’m writing…but taken from real life experience originally, anyways. So there. Don’t you ever feel like that? I feel like that approximately every two weeks or so. It is kind of annoying, because it causes me to stay up late even when I need to wake up early the next morning.

I am wondering right now why I am not feeling a giant pang of jealousy, having been informed about a certain person doing something else with a certain other person which this certain person would have rather been doing with one of those said certain people but not the other certain person around. Whichever certain person is excluded except for this certain person, this certain person certainly doesn’t care and hopes those certain persons certainly don’t take this personally. Another certain person may know what this certain person is talking about…but should certainly keep his or her mouth shut, because this certain person should stop talking about this, even though she feels like keeping on. This certain person can sigh all she wants to, and wonder all she wants to, but it’s not going to solve anything, and this certain person says that perhaps the other two certain people simply were certainly not doing anything pertaining to anything which this certain person would rather…oh, never mind. UGH-ness-icity. This certain person is having an attitude and denying everything.

I am not!!!

Hm.

So to end on a more flavorful note, I was thinking about something I cannot remember. Hey, you want another clip from my book? Let me go find something really quickly. Okay, here goes. Try to see if you can guess the inspiration for the following passage:

Jacob and I followed, stopping in the den. While the walls still had dark wood paneling, the shag carpet had obviously been pulled up and replaced with nice, fluffy cream colored carpet. I glanced around, feeling a bit out of place, especially when my eyes fell upon a person who could only have been who Mrs. Madison had indicated was talking to two girls—Jack Madison.

I was instantly enthralled. There was something about his face. It was so average, but stood out somehow. Maybe it was that it was so averaged, and therefore quite perfect. What made it even more perfect was the thick, smooth chin-length light brown hair which framed the perfectly average face. As he sat talking, he moved in a very animated sort of way, and as he did, his hair moved very animatedly with him. I could only seem to think in my head for that moment when
I first laid eyes on him, “Wow, look at his hair…it goes, swish-swish…”

A moment later he looked up, very intently with his animated, yet fixated and stern-like gray eyes, and as he greeted Jacob excitedly I began to feel very shallow for allowing such meaningless thoughts as ones about the movement of a guy’s hair. “Hey, Jake, what’s been happening?”

So, that’s it for now! Sorry to keep you all in suspense about what happens between…well, never mind. You all certainly will not ever know “what’s been happening” with Jacob, now, will you?

Later!
--Jessica

A Vulnerable Heart

One moment please. Before I get into what I did yesterday, I should tell you what I did the night before (not watching Sweeny Todd, Nathan...), which was talk to Allison till 2:30 in the morning. One of the conversations we somehow got into was about guys and their unwillingness to be the initiators. As you all may know, this makes me mad. She has a link on her blog (that's a link back there, BTW) to an article that just says everything I've been pathetically trying to say on that matter. Anyway, on to other things...

Yesterday morning, thought I didn't feel like doing anything, I figured I should do something, and I really felt like getting out there in my grandma's neighborhood again, listening to "Love Grows (Where my Rosemary Goes)" and breathing in the fresh morning air as the sun comes up on the horizon and the air gathers humidity. It's all so beautiful. Yesterday the first song on my iPod was "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. It was just really invigorating to run to that song. It's a song about life, about living in the moment, about striving to go on. I know I sound really sentimental, but it is really a great running song.

After my run yesterday I took a shower and ate breakfast. Wow, I know, really eventful morning there, eh? Yeah. After that, I typed a couple songs in my computer (I wrote a new one called Elijah, but I can't remember if I told you that or not). Elijah will one day hopefully not just be a beautiful song, but a message for guys and gals of all ages. See, it's about what goes through a woman's mind after a painful breakup. All breakups are painful, but this one is more like…you know, the guy has broken up with her and/or moved on to someone else. A woman's heart is so vulnerable at that time, and usually for a long time afterwards. Men don't realize, I don't think. I mean, guys get sensitive about that, too. But maybe it's just that their heart are not vulnerable or confused or anything. They probably don't automatically cling to the first girl to declare love for him after the breakup. In "Elijah", the girl is very hurt. She sees how he acts with his new girlfriend, and knows what happens even when she's not looking, because of what she and Elijah used to do together. In the chorus she says she'll always love him, now and when he comes back to her (which he won't, of course), and tells him how much she feels she needs him, and asks when he will realize that. In the bridge she finally questions her rationality in the area of the whole breakup ordeal. She seems to come to a realization--he's just a "player", moving from girl to girl to girl. The second part of the bridge, she then questions what she did wrong, and why he couldn't have just stayed with her. I was just going to leave it at the bridge, and not repeat the chorus, but I changed my mind, because it really ties the emotional-roller-coaster-spinning-around-in-circles thing that goes on inside a girl's head, and leaving her very confused. Because even though she realizes he seems to have played her, and then you know in the second part where she starts questioning her own "love worthiness", it ties it all together in a confused way--she still loves him, and would still have him if he ever came back for her.

It's sad, really. But the thing is that when I see this sort of thing happening over and over again within other girls, I start getting haughty and holier-than-thou and I believe I'm better than them. I would never let my emotions run away so much like that. I would never keep falling for such a terrible guy. I would never be so throw-myself-at-him kind of attached like that. And yet I know I just seem programmed to do that sort of thing. Girls are really sensitive, I guess. Girls long for closeness, for protection, for that special man to hold them when they are sad and afraid. Well, after breakups, girls are even more sad and afraid than normal (ha...I guess), and now they have no one to comfort them with kind words spoken in a soft, deep voice, and no big, warm arms to wrap around them and pull them in close. No long, coarse finger to reach up and dry tears, no one to sit, listen and nod affirmatively when they want to spill the whole terrible story. In essence, she is sad, and now he's not even there. And she wants him there, and she will do anything to get him back so she can feel close to him again. But he doesn't want her back, and she's just making it worse on any friendship they may have by being this way. Her heart becomes even more vulnerable, and soon it will simply throw itself at any guy; she'll wear her heart on her sleeve and search for someone, ANYONE, to get close to, and if she finds someone, it will move too fast. She will move it along too fast. Then that guy's gone, and soon the girl doesn't know who she is anymore. I am not talking from direct experience, but observation over my short seventeen and three quarter years.

So I feel this way, there's no denying. I don't right now, but I have to a degree, and I know as a woman I am perfectly capable of it. It's a very dangerous thing to feel. If a relationship is going to end, best to end it on very good and non-heartbreaking terms. However, if the guy's a jerk and that's impossible, I think every female needs to understand what worse things could happen if they don't keep a reign on their emotions. I don't want any sort of breakup to happen to me, but I need to learn now that if it does, I need to be aware of what I will inevitably be going through...

ELIJAH
A song from a vulnerable heart
By Jessica Claire Barker

I saw the way you
Danced with her
On that moonless night

I saw the way you
Held her hand
And told her it’s alright

Elijah, I love you
Always, till you come back
Elijah, I need you
When will you realize that?

I know the way you
Kiss her lips
Like you once kissed me

I know the way you
Sing to her
As you once sang to me

Is it all the same to you?
You live each of your romances through
Again and again
Or was I just not good enough?
Not worthy of all that love
You had to give…

-Jessica

The Freedom In-Between

Music and Lyrics by Jessica Claire Barker

(lyrics posted, music not because Jessica does not understand musical notation to any great depths, or at all, really…)

To: My Very Good but Somewhat Lost Friend

From: Your Very Good but Somewhat “Out There” Friend

Verse One:

Where did your imagination go?
I can tell you I sure don’t know
Was it even there in the first place?
If it was, I can’t even find a trace

Why can’t you look at the world upside down?
Run backwards in a circle, round and round
See inspiration in the locks of someone’s hair
In the morning sun, in the midnight air

Channel:
So I will tell you
That I want you to

Chorus
Come with me
See all there is to see
A beach is not just a beach
It’s a place to imagine everything
Look inside, look beyond
See what I’m really fond of
Because I thought I loved you
Till I realized you see nothing in between

Verse Two:
I told you about my dreams
You shrug them off, so it seems
(Don’t you know) there only can my mind really soar
I had thought you would want to hear more

Can’t you see there’s a better world I live in?
Just close your eyes and count to ten
There’s a box you’ve got to stop living inside
While I run in meadows you can’t just hide

(Chorus)

Bridge One:
They say there’s freedom in music
So I know you will hate this song
You’ve got a mind, now don’t use it
Go with the rest of the crowd, get along

Bridge Two:
No fairy tales, no midnight walks
No flower fields, no dreamy talks
No climbing to the peaks of mountains
No splashing through the public fountains
No swimming straight to England’s coast
No time spent reading books I love the most
No floating on a boat all day
Singing to the fish to swim away
No stargazing, or cloud watching
No snow angles…

Tag:
I guess I’ll have to leave you behind
I had someone else in mind…