Of Weddings (and wanting to have one myself)

Yesterday a friend of mine was married. To a really great guy. Her entire courtship, engagement, and wedding seemed to kind of “hit home” to me more than I thought they would. She is only a few years older than me. I have known her ever since we were little. The guy came from a good family who was friends with her family long before the courtship. My friend had placed her love story in God’s hands, knowing that if she was to be married, the right man would come along and ask her. And he did. All of this made me realize that perhaps marriage isn’t just a dream of mine that will never come true because it is just too wonderful. My friend’s wedding seemed so real for me. Weddings are no longer what “older people have.” It is hard to describe this feeling, but I am sure that at least Lizzie knows how I feel. ;)

The first eleven or so years of my life, I just accepted that one day I would get married to a man. Not a boy, a man. Surely much like my dad (I still hold that ideal, thank you very much). When I turned 12...yeah, you’ve heard that story before. What can I say? I’m only 18 ½, so I only have that many years to draw stories from. But anyway, I started “liking” boys, and thought that the first boy I liked and I would start dating once I told him that I liked him, and then when I graduated from high school we would get married. He was four or five years older than me, and I was a foolish little girl, but that is alright now. A little bit later, around 13 and 14, I was so boy crazy that I didn’t care to see the end of anything. I wanted them to love me, possibly date them, and hope for the best. I didn’t listen to my parents, who were attempting to teach me the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”-ish approach. At least they had the power to say that I could not go on dates, and at least they kept me in their eyesight most of the time. So, yes. That story again. All of it to say that ever since I turned 17, I reverted back to “someday I am going to be married to a man.” Of course, I have had a few ideas of men or almost-men for God to destine for me. And every time I suggest someone he says, “Oh, yes, yes, that is nice,” nods absentmindedly, and gets on with HIS ideas. Like a writer who doesn’t want to take suggestions from his non-writer friends who don’t know how to write stories (I am not pointing any fingers, really!).

But along with the “someday” feelings, I have also felt an urgency to get married now. Have children now. I know, it is my biological clock, but it is a sometimes intolerable longing. It was worry...what if I never get married? What if I need to help God along and go hang out with some nice guys so I can have plenty of future husband options (I can’t decide if that is the stupidest idea I have ever had or not)? Everything was worry, anxiousness, not trusting God at all. I thought I was, but I wasn’t.

However, one night after a Radical Wednesday prayer meeting, some of us went out for subs afterwards, as the curse of being teenagers, athletes, and swimmers on top of that, is a triple-high metabolism than your average Joe (in other words, we are ALWAYS hungry, it seems). Kara and I, after food and drink, were much rejuvenated, so towards the time when we were about to leave, we started carrying on a conversation about life, as we often do. I won’t give you all the details of the conversation, but what I walked away with was her advice, straight from the Bible – “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” She added, “Sometimes, though, by delighting yourself in the Lord, your desires will change. But that is good, because your desires become HIS desires. And if you desire what the Lord wants for you, he WILL give you the desires of your heart!” Light bulb moment.

Since then, day-by-day I have delighted myself more and more in the Lord. He has shown me how to be content with what I am doing, instead of longing for something in the future. There is so much to do NOW, how could I not see it before?

God has not taken away my desire to get married. But he has carefully led me to a place where I know that marriage, for me, is for another time in my life. Soon, but not right now. Not till it is staring me right in the face, in fact. God showed me how to take the desire, put it aside, and focus on what IS in front of me. Working for my dad, helping my mom, writing, music, learning, being with friends, swimming, thinking, EVERYTHING I have at my fingertips right now. Marriage will be at my fingertips when the time comes. And I will know when the time comes, because, like all the things in my life now, I won’t have to seek it out. God will show me. It’s not like I am being lazy, saying “I am just going to sit here and be a religious couch potato till God’s will is right here in front of me.” But I understand that God’s will is something he reveals to me as I keep getting to know him more and more. I will seek his face, and everything else will follow. He wants me to trust him fully, not trust myself and my finding-out-what-life-is-for-on-my-own skills (which, I have discovered, are severely lacking). Every time I try to do something myself, I fail. I mean, it’s not like God cleans my room for me now or something. I do stuff here on earth. But I do it because I am supposed to; because God has made his will clear to me. I’m no prophet, though, of course. I don’t always get it right, and I mess up time and time again. It is so hard to describe this sensation. When I fall back on God, everything is clear and I know instinctively what to do.

It just IS. Does that make any sense?

Proverbs 3:5, 6 – “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

~Jessica

Could I Really be Afraid of Commitment?

Commitment....life....huh......what??  Oh, as in, the present?  Sorry, I forgot I was existing for a tiny bit.

Life has been a strange hullabaloo of nonsense flying past me at the speed of light lately, and I haven't quite gotten a grip of where I am again.  I guess this may be a pattern that might have been noticed by some people who notice things like that, but I don't know.  

First of all, I have gotten a Facebook.  Now you can all bring your palms up to your foreheads and smack accordingly, groaning, "Ooooooohhhhhhhhh, duh, that is your problem."  Yes, I have joined the ranks of the Facebookians who have had their brains sucked into the black hole of Facebook.  I am now of the opinion that Facebook is just another ploy of the High Elite to take over our minds and ultimately control us.  And I am completely serious about that.  

Much musing has mingled in my mind of late, involving just about everything under the sun, and at night the moon.  I am unfortunately cursed to be one of those people who always second-guesses themselves at every turn.  You probably figured that out too.  I guess I am not comfortable with making final decisions.  I make them, and then I go back on them.  I make new ones again, saying "This time I am really going to stick with this!!" and then something interferes with my brain frequencies and causes them to contort in some way or another, and then I fail before really even beginning.  

But you know what???  I am going to stick with something this time, no matter what.  

Of course, I will always be second-guessing myself; the idea might not always seem the most attractive, in fact it might look downright rotten at times; I will think of or come by something else more attractive and really want to switch over again; I will probably get jealous of what everyone else is doing and how much fun they are having and how successful they are being.  But you know what?  That is how life is.  That is how all commitments are.  That is how - and this is the biggie - marriage is.  Think of it!  Marriage isn't always in the fast-lane with romance happening all the time or anything crazy like that.  You have to choose, like Lizzie has said, to love this man, and love your children when you have them, most of the time.  Marriage isn't something you back out of just because you're unsure of it, it's going a little rough at the moment, another guy comes along whom you think you would rather be with, or someone else's marriage looks like it is going much smoother and you have no hope for your own...any number of things.  It is immature to think that way.  Sure, when you were a little kid, if you got tired of one toy you went and played with another.  Even if you had a favorite toy at home and you went to the store with your grandma or something and saw the latest something-or-other on the shelf and wanted it, she (being your grandma) would buy it for you and that would be your latest and greatest favorite till you got tired of it.  You may have returned to your old favorite, or gotten a new toy, but whatever it was, excessive toys teach nobody commitment. 

Great.  Now I won't let my kids play with toys either.  They are just going to hate me.  No television, no videogames, no toys...what's next?  Maybe I should lay off thinking about child neurology and psychology for a while.

I mean, I was that way, especially with books.  I'm still that way with books.  There are just too many good books to read and I read so slowly I just want to start them all at once.  Of course then I can't finish them any faster.  It's crazy.  I have some really bad habits.  Darn it.  

You know, I can look at commitment as existing with God or without God.  And there just seems to be so much more hope if I factor God into the picture!  Otherwise it is just little me trying to find my way in life all by myself, never knowing what is right, getting easily distracted, wondering excessively, among many other dreadful, anxious feelings.  But when I remember that God is there to lead me, I am just filled with "the peace that passes all understanding!"  I know that I can't go wrong by God.  The only way I can screw up is on my own accord.  I have PROOF that God will lead my way if I just put my head down and follow blindly.  Granted, I am sure everyone is some degree or another of sick and tired of hearing my story when I was 12 or so and got lost in the Henderson's woods.  But here it is again (leaving out the part about the coyote and how I got lost in the first place): I tried to find my way back several times, and finally I came to a road.  I didn't know what road it was, but I thought surely it would lead back to their house.  I walked forever in both directions and got nowhere.  BTW, the Hendersons live in the middle of nowhere on a huge piece of property, just for your general information.  Finally after who knows how long of hopeless deliberating with myself, and feeling like God was saying to go back in the woods and he would lead me home (but I didn't want to because of the coyote and if I just went back in the woods I would get lost all over again), I decided to listen to the voice in my head.  I literally put my head down and walked in some direction or another, not even bothering looking where I was going.  I walked in a straight line for probably 15 minutes, and then...lo and behold....the Henderson's cow pasture!!!!!  I climbed the fence, ran up the hill, climbed the other fence, and my dad was just coming out of the house and I burst into tears and really sentimental piano-and-strings music started to play and it was all happy................yeah.  

All of that to say that I know I can do it again with the rest of my life, as uncertain and hopeless as it seems.  God has blessed me so much in my life already with opportunities I could not have dreamed up if I was given a million years just to sit and ponder the possibilities.  In the words of the Gettys: "Don't let me lose my wonder!"  

Ah, I feel all better inside!  My brain has resurrected itself, I believe.  Now, on to productivity!!!

~Jessica         

Prerequisites

These are some thoughts of mine that also happen to answer Rebecca's question in my "Reflections on 2008" entry....

I do not mean to seem like I am thinking and planning way ahead of myself, but at this moment as well as for some time I have felt as if there is a disticnt possibility that I will be married in what is now less than three years.  As I mentioned in the previous entry which was written too long ago (I am sorry about my absence as I have been going to too many sleepovers and then trying to get my life back on track, which, I have discovered, is a pretty hard thing to do), three years really is not a long time.  My life seems to go by in episodes of three years.  These next three, I feel as if God is telling me that they are specifically for marriage preperation.  

Unless my life's course drastically changes, in less than three years I shall become Mrs. Somebody.  In this alloted time, therefore, I need to prepare to take on that role.  There are, obviously, several "requirements" of being my Someone's wife.  No, I have not been sent a letter from any Somebodies detailing what these things must be in a "I won't marry you if you are not like this" kind of way.  No, there are just several things that God has put on my heart as being what I must have in place before the wedding day.  This is not to say that I am a terrible person now and I must do a complete 180 and become somebody else.  No, these are things which I desire to add on to my present self and to enhance what is already there.  These past 18 years have not been for nothing, but that certainly does not mean that I am done growing and developing.  I won't ever be, but I have to take it one step at a time.  

These things must be completed, but as we can all see I have a limited amount of time which must not be wasted.  I shall now detail the things I consider (or, rather, God considers) the "prerequisites" of a holy union with my Someone, the things which I must do to "study deserving," as Edward says in King Lear:

A Caring, Compasionate, Selfless Heart:  I shall waste no more time on anger or selfish deeds.  A woman of valor is not of those.  She is a servant, and I will now forever be.   

A Knowledge of Health and Healing:  I need to know how to properly care for myself, my husband, and our children.  If access to a doctor is limited or impossible, I must be the caretaker and healer.  Also, if we live in a rural area, possibly an area which harbors other refugees, I need to know how to heal and help them as well.

Pregnancy and Childbirth:  For the same reasons as above...for my own good and possibly the good of those around me.  One does not have to go through a 3-year Midwifery degree program to know what one is doing when a baby is coming out.  Still, I will strive to know as much as possible.

Faith:  Seeking God is important, no doubt, but it goes deeper than that.  I need to know everything he commands; everything he desires of me.  That means staying in his word daily and keeping myself from getting too caught up in life that I cannot take the time to listen to him.  And if the end times are coming, I need to not be blind about anything concerning them so that I will not be afraid.  Fear comes from a lack of knowledge.  

Occupation:  I need to make as much money as I can in this time so that I can buy waht I need for survival and to assist my husband in his endeavors to do the same.  It is of utmost importance that we create a safe life for ourselves and our future children as soon as we can, so money will be needed to go towards that somehow...in the form of a car, of books, perhaps seeds to grow our own food, building materials, livestock....whatever the Lord desires we do.  I guess it may sound a little "out there" to be assuming rural farming like this, but it is a possibility.  If it turns out that I do not live this lifestyle I already have what I need to live in a life like the one I have grown up in, that is all.  Anyways, I shall save for the future, whatever the future may be and however I might save for it.  It is probably better to put paper money back into the economy and get out of it real things of value anyways.  

So what about music and writing?  I feel as if those need to be put on the back burner now.  But saying that makes my heart ache....music and writing are the two things I have had the most passion for for my entire life, and now I am putting them off?  I guess it is because I am wondering if they are a waste of time.  Is creating a waste of time?  Maybe I am looking at it from the perspective that, if the economy breaks down, people are not going to have the money to invest in entertainment, they are going to need to invest everything in merely surviving.  So, it would be a waste of time to assume that I could write music and sell it or write a novel and sell it.  And why spend my time attempting to produce something that goes into what is already a market of uncertainty?  I could end up more broke than I am now.  

Am I completely giving up learning new instruments (after all, I did get a violin for Christmas...though somehow it is not as easy as I wanted it to be), composing, fiction reading, or writing stories?  No!  My mind just doesn't work like that.  It would just blow up eventually from deprivation of creativity.  I guess, looking back on this entry, this is already starting  to sound like you are reading Thesselonians or something practical like that, rather than witty Charles Dickens or something.  Sadness abounds.  :(  But I guess when all you have been reading is practical literature, all that comes out is practical.  *sigh*  

I guess it will not hurt to allow time for diversion.  After all....*lightbulb* my Someone is not going to want to marry a boring person, now is he?!?!  No, no, no, not at all.  Quite to the contrary, dear Watson.  ;)  Nevertheless, I shall proceed to abort this entry as my breakfast as thus far remained uneated and I am quite famished.

~Jessica      

"Jack of All Trades" - A Complimentary Term for ADD

I feel like I need to rethink everything. You know, I've probably said a thousand times before that I thought I would have everything figured out by the time I turned eighteen. My life would all be in place, I will have decided what to do, I would be doing it, I would be successful doing that something that I was supposed to be doing….etc, etc, etc. And it's very annoying how I am not like that at all. Basically, if you think about it (not too hard, of course), I am a loser. I am unaccomplished because I…well, haven't accomplished much. I know I can. I know it's possible and I have the potential. But there's something…well, a lot of things that I perceive as holding me back. The thing is, I don't think I realize it. I'm still a little kid. It feels funny to say, but I really admire my friend because in a lot of ways he's older than me. Sure, he's almost a year and a half younger than me, but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Maturity-wise, most of the things about him are just older. And it's not fair. I look at him and say, "wow, he'd be much better at being eighteen than I am, and I'd be better at being 16." Did I mention it's not fair? I should be being confused about life at 16, and then in a year and a half I will have been sufficiently confused for a long enough time to conclude what I want to do and do it. INSTEAD, I was confused when I was 16 but apparently had not been confused long enough, because before then I didn't even realize that eventually I would have to grow up and pick something to do, and that it just didn't come by existing in my little world.

Don't get me wrong. I have a variety of interests and talents. I used to wonder, and now I've remembered that I wondered it and thus wonder it all over again, whether it was better to be extremely great at one or two things, or moderately good at many, many different things. And that doesn't even mean that I'm good at everything I do. What stumps me is that I expect to be able to do everything and then I run across something I cannot do (which happens a lot), as much as I want to, and then I feel like a failure at everything and have an urge to crawl into a little hole despite the possibility of feeling extremely claustrophobic.

So my friend says I'm a "Jane of all trades, particularly artistic ones." Well, after that compliment, I didn't know what to say. But before that I had told him about how I admire how he sticks to stuff. He has two main interests: Law and music, mainly piano. He swims and plays water polo some, and works so he can have money to pursue his interests. But he's very concentrated (no, not like orange juice, in case you were wondering). I am very jealous. I guess if I ever went to public school I would have been labeled ADD…I'm glad I never was in school, and I'm glad I never got a label like that. But I just have a terrible time sticking to anything. Thus, the whole "loser" label I keep giving myself. It's awful, I know. I don't really have such a low self-esteem. I guess this is actually just between me and myself, and how I just feel back being around myself. But now it's like I feel it's leaking out into public because now all my friends are concentrated and working on their life goals and stuff, and I still don't know what I want.

So I'm going to take that time to do some examination of me. I know, that's sounds so narcissistic, but I really need to do this. I hate thinking under pressure, but here we go anyways.
What do I really feel like I want in life? I want to be a wife and a mother. "That's the first time I've heard someone say that," Ken laughed on Tuesday at Wake Tech. I guess he was just surprised, not mocking me. But still, it was the first time I kind of felt funny for saying that. Still, what are the chances I will actually get married? I hate to think about that. Let's not. On to what I was doing.

What else do I want? Well, let's first think about what I don't want. I don't want to go to college. I don't particularly want to get a job. I don't want to go through life with no money and no life. I don't want to be labeled a "loser" by society and not just myself. I want to make a good name for homeschoolers. Now for what I want. I want to seem important to myself. I want to be amazing. This all sounds funny right now, but I need to be honest. I want to be happy. I want everyone around me to be happy. I don't want anyone to feel insignificant because of me…which there doesn't seem to be that risk right now…anyways. I want success in whatever I do.

Okay, now for what I really WANT to do. Not what I want, but what I want to DO.

I want to work with animals. I want to write books. I want to travel around the world, either by myself or with people I love. I want to play piano amazingly well. I want to write beautiful music. I want to play as many instruments as possible. I want to go sailing, like, real sailing in the ocean. I want to be in love and get married. I want to have children. Lots of them. I want money so I can do all the things I want to do. I want to keep swimming and playing water polo. I don't really want to accomplish anything with them, but they are a fun hobby and they also keep me in shape. I don't want to get fat, or even just go back to being skinny. I like the body I have and want to keep it. I don't want my kids to be fat or skinny. I want them to be healthy and athletic. I don't ever want to lose my creative inspiration. I want to be with my friends and family forever, and I don't ever want to lose any of them in any way. I don't want to go over into the "dark side" again. I want to be a good kid, even if I am an adult now. I want to be a good and creative cook. I want to have an enthusiasm for cleaning and doing other mundane household chores. I want to study history…real history. I want to read classic literature and learn from the best. I want to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and study his word. I want insight from my elders so I don't go screwing up my life again. I would like to do acting. I want to start a band.

So what do I concentrate on? Let's say I need four main things - Money, fitness, and two main profitable interests. Working for daddy covers the money thing right now, which includes studying the Product Launch Sequence. Fitness means swimming in the mornings and water polo in the afternoons. Now I have to pick two main interests and stick with them. *thinking….thinking…thinking…* I think…well, I thought…and now I believe…music and creative writing should be my main concentrations once this semester is over. Once I get out of these darned time-wasting classes. They're interesting, but not worth my time. That's the problem. There are too many things in life like that, and what's worse is that our society is so given over to those sorts of things that nobody really knows to do anything better.

One thing I noticed was that I said nothing about improv goals. Do I not have any? Have I lost my passion and fire for it? I think it's diminishing. That makes me cry. I don't want to leave, and it is only once a week, and then the shows one weekend a month. But I seriously need to reconsider what I want. I have been intensely interested in writing and music since I was little. They are things I KNOW I can stick to, and not just fleeting fancies that seem glamorous. I love to do them. Sure, sometimes I get in a rut, but that's only for a bit.

Okay, here is the verdict. If I take any classes next semester, they will be Creative Writing 1 and Elements of Music. I may also get a piano teacher. I'll read lots of books about writing, and also read literature. I will not deceive myself in my motivation. This is what I'm doing. I will also help around the house because I know it will benefit mom and myself because one day I will be a mother, I'm almost sure of it. I will work for daddy and help him with his product stuff. I will swim and play polo. I may eventually marry.

That's another thing. I feel ready for marriage, but I'm really not. I'm nowhere near it. I want it so bad right now. I've concluded that since none of the guys my age are ready, I should just hope for an older guy.......but then, that's kind of not really a good idea. I'm just as ready as the guys my age. I can see it coming in the next five years or so, and if I look I can basically see what I need to be doing to get there. To be ready. I know my girl friends can relate....I just ache to get married right now. I don't know if guys can relate to this at all.....but it's a very hard struggle right now. Granted, all struggles are hard. Duh. But this one is just the worst. It's so hard to do normal, everyday things now, because it comes to mind so much:

Driving through a neighborhood: "Oh, wouldn't this be a great neighborhood to bring kids up in...so peaceful and out of the city...so many trees...the houses are a nice size, and I could buy sofas!!!"

Walking through Target: "Aren't those decorations so cool! Imagine my dining room with that clock and my bedroom with that lamp!"

Still walking through Target: "Awww...cribs! Nighties! Diapers! Booties! Little bouncers! Pacifiers!"

Anywhere: "Look at that family, aren't they so cute? *gasp* A baby...oh, I want one!"

Anytime I see a couple I feel jealous because I'm walking through the parking lot alone. I certainly do NOT get to go shopping for ANYTHING with my husband, and that is very aggravating somehow. There's a girl on the Masters team who is getting married in December or something. I just overheard her telling another girl...but the way she was talking about it was just really casual and for some reason that got me down. Marriage, to me, isn't just a casual matter. I suppose that when you already live together anyways, there's no reason to really be excited. I meant the "I suppose" sarcastically. I just think that at that point marriage is almost pointless. You're already sharing your lives and sharing your bodies. Well, I'm going off in the other direction of what I was trying to say, which I can't really remember anyways because it's a bit late...AND I am trying to have a caffiene crash so I can go to bed, because I have to get up in the morning and go listen to the girls in the locker room at Masters talk some more before I go see the Dead Sea scrolls with...um...a lot of people. I'm excited :D I've been wanting to see them a while, and I don't want them to just go away like that anatomy exhibit did. That was sad :(

That same girl (I think) said that when she was little she once saw some guy swim the English channel all butterfly. That's really extremely cool. However, as much as I adore butterfly, I don't think I should set my sights on doing the same...heh heh.....

Defining Success

This is a paper I wrote for English 111 in the fall semester...yeah, I am being a lazy blogger and not posting anything I've written lately...not having written anything blog-able lately. I've been working on my books and songs and lovely things like that, but I believe it's time for some good old fashioned old stuff. My views on the subject haven't really changed, though ultimately my goals and stuff have altered (no more dog training stuff, really). However, I think it's kind of worth reading (not to toot my own horn or anything)...I got 110% on it, so i reckon either my teacher liked it a lot, liked me a lot, or it was a good paper. Here we go:

---

What is success? These days, many people will define it as studying hard to get good grades in school so to get into a good college, so that one may earn a “worthy” degree in order to get a high-paying job, in which one performs well, to get many promotions. Along side of that designation is usually something about meeting a special someone and possibly having kids. But must every person in America (or anywhere else) fit into that mold? I personally think not. Success cannot possibly be defined by the achievement of one common goal. Yet that is exactly what kids in school are taught every day. Parents and teachers are constantly forcing this “dream” upon grade-school children. But what about children who want to break the mold? What if they don’t know how? What if they feel as if they will disgrace their families?

There are two things in this world I think that I have always wanted to be, and those are a writer and a mother. Some other considered occupations have been: ballerina, dance teacher, Olympic gymnast, Olympic swimmer, comic strip creator, actor, director, producer, psychologist, dolphin trainer, puppy breeder, mailman, comedienne, pirate, rock star, model, “Ask Abby” columnist, backwoods expeditionist, sailor, and fitness trainer. The reader may be surprised, but many of the above mentioned jobs are new or recently revisited fancies of mine. My most current whim is dog training. The subject fascinates me so much right now, but it is sad to know, deep in my heart, that the desire to be a dog trainer may pass in time, as with everything else I have ever wanted to do. At the same time, I am attempting to discipline myself to stick to it, because it seems like now or never if I ever want to have an interesting and possibly easy way to make money.

Because I have been home schooled all of my life, the environment that I have grown up in has been different than the average student’s. But now that I am a senior in highschool, I have noticed that, ultimately, it all turns out the same. Most highschool seniors still do not really know what they want to do in life. In spite of everything they usually go ahead and jump right into college. They are unsure of where they are supposed to go in life, so college becomes another comfort zone, as grade school probably was. My mom said she jumped into college not knowing why or what she wanted to do afterwards. I have also noticed similar behavior in both my older friends who have already gone off to college, and same-age peers as they prepare to graduate with me.

The idea has been tempting to me, too. I’ve gone around in millions of circles in the past eight or nine months, pondering over what I truly would like to do for the rest of my life. Every time I settle on something I say to myself, “Okay, this is the one this time! This is my calling.” Of course, I usually change my belief about what my “calling” is every month, give or take a couple of weeks. Naturally, it would be nice for me to simply choose one thing to study for four years, and sit back and “relax” while I learn it all, feeling secure in the knowledge that, once I graduate, I will have a degree that will supposedly make me tons of money in the corporate world. But, by the time I graduate, will I even want to have a job even close to what I majored in? Knowing myself, probably not.

What bothers me even more when I talk to people—friends, extended family, random people on the street—is that they cannot seem to comprehend, visualize or in any other way understand the idea that I may not be going to college. I have several home schooled friends with whom I have discussed life after high school. I have mentioned my indecisiveness about college to a few, and I almost always get the same reaction: “Well, have you applied anywhere yet?” (“No.”) “Well, you’d better soon, because you’re a senior, right?” (“Yeah.”) “You have your SAT scores back by now, I guess?” (“I haven’t taken the SAT.”) “What? Well, you’d better take it soon!” (“I don’t want to.”) “But you have to take it in order to get into college.” (“No I don’t.”) “Uh, yeah you do!”

The truth is, I don’t want to go to college. Period. I have officially made my decision. I do not even know why, when people ask me what my post-high school plans are, I say things like, “Well, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go to college.” After all, by now I know for sure that I do not want to go to college. So what do I even bring the subject up for? I could skip all that useless conversation (mostly consisting of my mulling over miserably while the other person tries to convince me that college is the best and only way to be considered a successful home school high school graduate) and simply answer that person’s original question as assertively as possible: “I am planning on applying to work at a pet store once I turn eighteen, while interning or assisting at a dog training and rehab center for a year and a half, and then I plan to go up to Indiana for a year to intern at Wolf Park and study canine behavior, before coming back and becoming a full time dog trainer, either working for an established business, taking over one or starting my own.” That confident answer is something which should be entirely acceptable, yet somehow I guess I fear that if I mention this plan, the people I talk to will think it’s silly because it’s not their definition of success. I start believing that they might think that my plan is most definitely going to fail, and they might even have the nerve to tell me so and to deter my plans towards something they feel I should do.

Why should I care?

I am apparently too ashamed to voice my plan for my own success simply because others may balk and not take me seriously. On that note, am I secure enough in what I want to do not to crumble under the criticism. Well, where will they be in four years? They may be lost and confused, just as I am sure I would be after college. All that intense learning…and now what? For my life, for what I want to do, what good is college to me?

I am not completely opposed to college. For many careers, such as doctors, lawyers, and teachers, it is necessary. And, of course, here I am taking an English class and a Psychology class this semester. The truth is, I would like to continue taking college courses for my own educational benefit. There is nothing wrong with that, and if I really did change my mind and want to go to college, then the credits would transfer easily (and I may not have to take the SAT). I am also not saying that my friends are wrong in going to college not knowing what they want to do. I am just stating that that is not what I want to do personally, and I am stating that it is not the only way to succeed in life, as my friends and many other people suppose.

If I decide to go to college, I may indeed graduate with high grades and a good degree, get a good job and make lots of money thusly. That is all fine and dandy, except that it is not what I want to do. Me, I want to jump right into doing a job that I love, learning useful things I also enjoy (not things I am forced or obligated to learn) and taking pleasure in my life as soon as I can. I am not a classroom person, and that is either because I have been home schooled or in spite of being home schooled. Either way, I learn better by emersion in a hands-on environment. Then again, not all home schooled kids are like this. Some are educated in a format just like a class room, but at home (what’s the point?). My parents realized that they could not get away with doing that for me.

If I am successful in the way that the culture defines being successful, does that make me the ideal homeschool graduate? I guess so, because people who do just that are idolized by millions of home schooled kids and home schooling parents across the country, and frankly I think it’s annoying. I have two homes schooled friends who were going to be in their senior year along with me this year, but both agreed to let their parents hold them back a year so that they could get more high school credits and raise their GPAs, all for the sake of college and success. Are grades everything? Performance and physical results have got to count for something.
I guess the only way I am going to get the different definitions of success across to the misunderstanding people in my life is to go out and do it. Go and write my own true success story, showing the narrow minded people that it can be done. I can talk about how wonderful a dog trainer I am going to be without double-majoring in animal science and comparative psychology, but no one will see that there are other ways until those other ways are executed in the plain sight of my large group of doubters.

Once people see that today’s definition of success may not necessarily be the right one for everyone, maybe people will, if they feel like they should, begin to branch off and start being them selves, doing their own things, taking many different paths. It’s not all college and good jobs. Sometimes, success should be what a person loves and passionately wishes to do with his or her life. That is my ideal, and my definition of a successful person.

Success is what you make it.

---

~Jessica

Lyrics and a Poem

So I've been doing nothing much lately, except stupid things, as usual. Oh, well. I'm in the middle of a stupid thing right now. But that's okay.

So I like listening to music. I suppose I could at least be Allison's music therapist. They really make those, you know. No, I don't mean they MAKE those...why did I say that? I mean that Music Therapist is an occupation you can get a college degree for and then start a clinic or whatever and then get paid for being there and perscribing MUSIC!!! Isn't that wonderful? I think I've mentioned it before, and I guess that's because I would like to be one, but I don't know if it would be worth it to get such a degree when I could just take a few music and psychology classes and be able to basically do it myself. I already do it. I should start charging Allison. :) But she might then need to listen to music that will console her feeling that she's spending too much money. Plus she's my friend, I think I can give a 100% discount sometimes.

Anyway, so I think instead of taking up the whole page and taking all day typing out someone else's poetry stuff. Or songs. Or whatever that happens to be. I've been listening to my old favorites lately. So I'm gonna use my super-flashy HTML skills and post some links to some songs...

Over Thinking
Somewhere Only We Know
Landslide
Listen to what the Man Said
Everlong
Love Song (I like the little Gilmore Girls video on there, too)
Suddenly
I Love You
On the Turning Away

Anyway, those are just a few. Here's a few I suggested for Allison, who's in an "I-Hate-All-Guys" mood at the moment:

Riot
This Love
Mama Said Knock You Out

Now on to my latest poem, per Michelle's request:

JUST AFTER THE RAIN

Just after the rain
The sky is still gray
But the horizon's turning golden
As if the break of day
But 'tis the West where the sun shines
And it won't rise tonight, but set
The rain droplets are pulled off leaves
Their meaning realized; the ground they have met

Just after the rain
Dogwood petals are a strew
Wet and wilted, yet their beauty
In their abundance does shine through
Azalea blooms are finally fragrant
Though turned with faces towards the ground
Some are loose, like the dogwoods
Trampled beauty all around

Just after the rain
The air is cool and clean
Cold rain water on my toes
A slight breeze-I am at last serene
Green seems to surround me
Maple leaves, lush grass
Bushes and plants all abound
I sigh-this again will also pass

Just after the rain
Puddles reflect the promising horizon
Thunder rolls quietly in the distance
Does the sky long for a shoulder to cry on?
Perhaps it cries alone, like me
Afraid to let others see its tears
Is it that no one cares, or cares too much
Or think the sky itself has no ears?

Just after the rain
I sympathize with the sky
I tell it I know its troubles
Of its heart's deepest thoughts, and why
It cringes at opening up
And letting the world see inside
Both the sunshine and the rainbows
I, too, know it's nothing to hide

~Jessica Claire