Morals and Ideals

DISCLAIMER – I know it’s not that late, but I am pretty much brain-dead. If nothing makes sense and/or I don’t stick to what the thesis probably should have been, that is why.

Everyone has their own personal morals that are based, more or less, on their personal worldview. Worldview, I am sure we all know, is developed by what a person is exposed to in life and how they react to it. The oh-so-valid source of Wikipedia states, “[Worldview] refers to the framework of ideas and beliefs through which an individual interprets the world and interacts with it,” and “describes a consistent (to a varying degree) and integral sense of existence and provides a framework for generating, sustaining, and applying knowledge.”

That said, it is to be expected that everyone’s morals are going to differ at least a little from everyone else’s. And, to an extent, I believe that each person’s morals are probably good for that person. I do not feel like that should include sexual immorality or homosexuality, but those are my morals, right? Here we go stepping into that multiple truths thing again, which needn’t be explained again or further.

But, now, I wonder...are some or all of my own morals actual morals, or are they ideals? Would some change depending on the situation?

I wrote an entry about a year and a half ago with similar questions in mind: http://jblog08.blogspot.com/2008/03/compromise-or-contingent.html. And here they pop up again, all out of the blue. I believe it is nice to know that I am not the only me who has struggled with it...I mean, I am glad to know I have struggled with it before. Now, that may sound a little strange, or perhaps even a lot. But the thing is, I had completely forgotten about having ever gone through this before. So to know that it is a weak area that I have worked through before gives me hope that it can be worked through again, hopefully more efficiently (so it does not happen again-again). Also, going back and reading that is already helping me dig deeper into this whole thing.

Like I was saying, morals or ideals?

Ideals are not set in stone, morals probably are. But what do I base morals off of? Ideals!

What morals and all other forms of conduct should be based off of is what the Holy Spirit tells you to do. We are not under the law anymore, so if you are a follower of Christ, you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit then tells us what is right and wrong for us, if we truly seek God, right? So...that is one of the reasons why I say that everyone’s morals are a little different. As far as Christians go, anyway.

But ideals are put in place by me, for myself. But, I have to wonder, are my ideals based on morals? As in, are they good ideals that should be upheld?

Take the concept of saving the first kiss for marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “thou shalt not kisseth thine wife before thou hast taken her as so.” Saving the kiss is a personal choice. Is it a biblical moral? No; it’s not based off of the Bible. Is it a personal moral? I guess that is what you would call it.

But is it an ideal; something possible only in certain situations?

I know some of you are saying yes, and some no. Maybe some of you are momentarily confused like me.

There comes at least one time in every person’s life where they must logically talk themselves out of something they desire greatly. I guess, anyway, what do I know? I’m not even 19 yet.

All I mean to say, in short, is that I am extremely disappointed in myself, because obviously I can talk the talk until I am told I might be required to walk the walk. And I am scared, frankly. I can justify myself with all of this ideals and morals business, but at the end of the day it all comes down to this: what is right and what I long for are two completely different things.

There are only two options – either justify what I long for as being right and just go ahead and do it, or long for something right instead. And you know the latter is what I should do. The decision is so hard; my heart feels ripped in two because of the opposing directions it wants to take.

I just feel so awful right now. Please forgive me for being so hard on myself at this moment, but I really must. All these years I’ve held these ideals and morals. I don’t care how pointless or illogical they are – they are mine and I’ve basically sworn to stand by them, not wishing to make any more mistakes than necessary, especially since I made so many early on. And now, here is God saying “Jessica, have a go at this situation...put your restraint to good practice. I know you can do this!” And here I am saying “Wow, God! This is amazing!! You mean I’m supposed to resist? That’s crazy talk, this is too good to be true!”

I know somewhere or another in the Bible it says that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. So I know I can get through this, I just know it, right? Yes, yes, yes. Will do, Cap’n. Aye, sir!

But it is and will continue to be so easy to give in. Just like it is so easy to jerk the steering wheel a bit to the left on a two-lane road into oncoming traffic. I could do it any time, on purpose, if I impulsively felt like it. And at any second, I could give in to an overwhelming temptation to forgo all my morals and head straight into something else.

I know that if I uphold my morals AND my moralistic ideals, God will bless me in one way or another. I’m not looking for God’s blessing, though; I just know that it will happen. If I don’t uphold my honor...I know the consequences, suffice to say. I often want to ignore the consequences, but I can’t for very long. Especially if they start happening to me.

However, I would like to end on a happy note, so I will make some general comments about life these days other than trying to think straight:

I was recently accepted to a novel writing camp/retreat/intensive thing! I will be leaving all ye North Carolinians behind and going to Oregon for a month to sit in a beach cottage and write a book. It will be in November, so “beach cottage” does not necessarily mean “lovely warm days strolling the beach and feeling the wind in my hair.” It is very unfortunate. However, it’s still the beach...“so much scope for the imagination.” So, yes, I will come back with pages and pages of unrefined bookness and hopefully only a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome. Wish me luck (and pray for me not to miss my planes!!!!!!!)

My swim team went undefeated its second summer in a row! Counting our last four meets that we won 3 summers ago, we are now 16-0. I didn’t think it could get any better than one undefeated season. And it was my last year on the team, too! I don’t like getting old. But at least it was a good season to get old. :)

I read The Phantom of the Opera! Now, that isn’t exactly wowie-zowie news, but I am really excited because it is now my new favorite book. I don’t have favorite books that often...those kinds of books I have to love aaaaaaaalllllllllll the way through and must crave to read them morning to night and while I am asleep...and I must hate when the end comes much too soon. This book met all the criteria of a favorite book. And now I really, REALLY want to go live out my Phantom of the Opera fantasies even more than I already did ever since I saw it for the first time when I was 12. You all know I’ve always wanted to live in Raleigh Memorial Auditorium....

That said, I am going to bed! Goodnight!

~Jessica

Of Weddings (and wanting to have one myself)

Yesterday a friend of mine was married. To a really great guy. Her entire courtship, engagement, and wedding seemed to kind of “hit home” to me more than I thought they would. She is only a few years older than me. I have known her ever since we were little. The guy came from a good family who was friends with her family long before the courtship. My friend had placed her love story in God’s hands, knowing that if she was to be married, the right man would come along and ask her. And he did. All of this made me realize that perhaps marriage isn’t just a dream of mine that will never come true because it is just too wonderful. My friend’s wedding seemed so real for me. Weddings are no longer what “older people have.” It is hard to describe this feeling, but I am sure that at least Lizzie knows how I feel. ;)

The first eleven or so years of my life, I just accepted that one day I would get married to a man. Not a boy, a man. Surely much like my dad (I still hold that ideal, thank you very much). When I turned 12...yeah, you’ve heard that story before. What can I say? I’m only 18 ½, so I only have that many years to draw stories from. But anyway, I started “liking” boys, and thought that the first boy I liked and I would start dating once I told him that I liked him, and then when I graduated from high school we would get married. He was four or five years older than me, and I was a foolish little girl, but that is alright now. A little bit later, around 13 and 14, I was so boy crazy that I didn’t care to see the end of anything. I wanted them to love me, possibly date them, and hope for the best. I didn’t listen to my parents, who were attempting to teach me the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”-ish approach. At least they had the power to say that I could not go on dates, and at least they kept me in their eyesight most of the time. So, yes. That story again. All of it to say that ever since I turned 17, I reverted back to “someday I am going to be married to a man.” Of course, I have had a few ideas of men or almost-men for God to destine for me. And every time I suggest someone he says, “Oh, yes, yes, that is nice,” nods absentmindedly, and gets on with HIS ideas. Like a writer who doesn’t want to take suggestions from his non-writer friends who don’t know how to write stories (I am not pointing any fingers, really!).

But along with the “someday” feelings, I have also felt an urgency to get married now. Have children now. I know, it is my biological clock, but it is a sometimes intolerable longing. It was worry...what if I never get married? What if I need to help God along and go hang out with some nice guys so I can have plenty of future husband options (I can’t decide if that is the stupidest idea I have ever had or not)? Everything was worry, anxiousness, not trusting God at all. I thought I was, but I wasn’t.

However, one night after a Radical Wednesday prayer meeting, some of us went out for subs afterwards, as the curse of being teenagers, athletes, and swimmers on top of that, is a triple-high metabolism than your average Joe (in other words, we are ALWAYS hungry, it seems). Kara and I, after food and drink, were much rejuvenated, so towards the time when we were about to leave, we started carrying on a conversation about life, as we often do. I won’t give you all the details of the conversation, but what I walked away with was her advice, straight from the Bible – “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” She added, “Sometimes, though, by delighting yourself in the Lord, your desires will change. But that is good, because your desires become HIS desires. And if you desire what the Lord wants for you, he WILL give you the desires of your heart!” Light bulb moment.

Since then, day-by-day I have delighted myself more and more in the Lord. He has shown me how to be content with what I am doing, instead of longing for something in the future. There is so much to do NOW, how could I not see it before?

God has not taken away my desire to get married. But he has carefully led me to a place where I know that marriage, for me, is for another time in my life. Soon, but not right now. Not till it is staring me right in the face, in fact. God showed me how to take the desire, put it aside, and focus on what IS in front of me. Working for my dad, helping my mom, writing, music, learning, being with friends, swimming, thinking, EVERYTHING I have at my fingertips right now. Marriage will be at my fingertips when the time comes. And I will know when the time comes, because, like all the things in my life now, I won’t have to seek it out. God will show me. It’s not like I am being lazy, saying “I am just going to sit here and be a religious couch potato till God’s will is right here in front of me.” But I understand that God’s will is something he reveals to me as I keep getting to know him more and more. I will seek his face, and everything else will follow. He wants me to trust him fully, not trust myself and my finding-out-what-life-is-for-on-my-own skills (which, I have discovered, are severely lacking). Every time I try to do something myself, I fail. I mean, it’s not like God cleans my room for me now or something. I do stuff here on earth. But I do it because I am supposed to; because God has made his will clear to me. I’m no prophet, though, of course. I don’t always get it right, and I mess up time and time again. It is so hard to describe this sensation. When I fall back on God, everything is clear and I know instinctively what to do.

It just IS. Does that make any sense?

Proverbs 3:5, 6 – “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

~Jessica

Love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!!!!!

Stupid word.

Really?  I am in it for the chocolate. 

I don't mind Valentine's Day.  I'm no Scrooge like SOME people I know.  But Valentine's Day does get annoying, though I can't place my finger on what it is exactly.  When I was younger (from age twelve to age 15), I mourned the coming of Valentine's Day.  There I was again without somebody to love.  Silly little me.  At age 16, I thought it would be nice to get a rose.  I wasn't sure from whom, but I thought a rose was definitely in order for myself.  I had a dream around that time about a rose received from the man who was to become my husband (in my dream, though I never really saw his face of course), and I got upset that the petals started to dry up; I thought it meant that our love would dry up similarly.  But then the dried petals fell away and revealed a new rose, which was more vibrant, beautiful, and fragrant than the original.  And I guess that meant my Someone and I would live happily ever after, but I don't remember.  Anyways, at at 17 (which was last year), I can't remember.  I have no idea why I can remember something that happened to me two years ago, but not a year ago.  But it's like I've said before at some point...I got short term memory loss when I turned 17.  Hm...*checks blog entries around that time*  *sees some post about ruling over the Platinum lane*  *chuckles to self as she and Nathan were just trying to take over again*  *recalls that whenever there is something to be in charge of or taken over, she and Nathan are always either accomplices or enemies, but both at the top of the food chain, nonetheless*  *wonders at this*  *becomes silent and thoughtful for a moment*  *snaps out of it*

Well, it doesn't matter how I felt last year, I suppose, though I would really like to know, since right now it feels like I am squinting down a black hole of a memory trying to see what was going on, but failing miserably.  This year, however, I view things in a different way.  I guess.  I wouldn't know, but I'm sure I do.  *GASP*  I have GOT to call Elayna back!  *looks at clock*  It's always the wrong time to call her.  Either her family is doing school, I'm supposed to be doing school, I've got somewhere to go, she is eating dinner, I am making messy concoctions in the kitchen (you couldn't recognize the phone after my mom called when I was in the middle of making biscuits the other night).  If you are Elayna and you are reading this and I have not called you back by now, I am VERY sorry because I do keep meaning to.  But as I write this it is late at night and you all are probably going to bed.  

What was I saying?  Oh, yes.  Valentine's Day.

So.  Romance abounds, eh?  Yurp, sounds fun.  I have decided, however, that I do not want to go on a date for Valentine's Day unless:  

a)  It is for the purpose of proposing 

b)  We are already engaged

c)  We are already married

And since I have officially said that now, it would be recommended that whoever my Someone is NOT set Valentine's day to be the day of the proposal, because it would not be a surprise (which I would want it to be, despite not being overly fond of surprises), and also if we started courting....*cough* *sputter* *choke*....trouting in January or even December, it might be wise not to rush into engagement just because of the occasion of Valentine's Day.  And, as a matter-of-fact, I do not want to be proposed to on Valentine's Day.  I don't know why, but I just don't.  So maybe I shouldn't even consider number "a".  

Yes, I said number "a".  Don't panic.

Right now I just want to use Valentine's Day as an excuse to have a fun day to get together with girl friends and eat lots of junk food and watching romance movies, sappy or not.  My vote is for Pride and Prejudice, of course.  The new one...what a lovely movie!  It's just....perfect.  I love the scenery and the music more than anything else.  I wish I lived in England in the eighteenth century.  In the countryside.  And I wish I had a Mr. Darcy.  But that is fine.  

Valentine's Day is such a stupid concept, though.  What is the point?  For the record, every kiss does NOT begin with Kay!  If it did, Kay Jewellers would  have all the money in the world and would rule over all of us.  Would you like a jewellery store to rule over your lives?  I don't think so.  

And another thing......engagement rings.  I'm not staring at them night and day wondering which one will be on my finger.  I don't demand the biggest, most expensive one.  But I do want one.  It is only sensible.  As Elizabeth Elliot's father taught her brothers, a man should not say "I love you" till the engagement ring is on the woman's finger.  It's a symbol of a promise to marry, and I think that symbol is very important.  Again, I am not sure why, but that is what I think.  

Anyways, that's my take on Valentine's Day and the like for now.  

~Jessica    

Warning: This Post Contains Trouting Thoughts

For those of you who know what I mean by trouting, have your nice reflective chuckle and then sip your decaffeinated coffee and read on.  For those of you who wonder why I am referring to fish on my blog when I do not particularly like fishing and would not be able to tell whether I was eating a catfish or a flounder were I served one of the two at the local seafood joint, 'tis your loss you didn't read my blog in the early days.  Oh, yes, it's been a while.....do not go back and read post number one.  It is probably boring and contains nothing about trouting.  Just stick with me here.

So I was feeling rather frustrated today, as I have been for about two weeks now.  Okay, frustrated is not the right word.  More like....um....troubled.  Or...er...oh, what is that word I always think of when I see a Gothic person?  It's on the tip of my tongue.  Oh, yes!  Conflicted.  I have felt quite conflicted for an estimated 10,000,000 reasons, all of which I couldn't put my finger on.  Many of them would come to mind, and I would get quite distraught over one thing before another thing would come up, and then another, and another, and pretty soon my head would be bustling with so much commotion that left my head and for a while my mainstream thought processes all took place in my esophagus (it wasn't very comfortable there, either, but it was better than my brain...and I wouldn't dare step near my heart, as it was surely much worse).  All of that to say that today I finally decided to stop putting off writing all that was in my brain down on paper, which is the only way I am able to keep anything straight and stay sane ("sane" probably being arguable to some people, but I am not asking those some peoples' opinions at this moment).  So, this entry took an hour and 45 minutes and was eleven pages long, which surprisingly did not top the record 14-page long journal entry of June, 2007 (and it wasn't even very interesting, but instead detailed three days worth of happenings, including the first meet of the season that the Seahawks won, a little meaningless piece about un-visiting with people, and the time when Sarah and I decided to start a trend of sitting on the black line on the pool deck).  Keep in mind that I do not have the pretty little diary that most girls have.  I just use 10 1/2 by 8 inch 1-subject spiral bound notebooks (they are good for long journal entries).  

AnyHOOness, I sorted through all my problems (looking back I now see that my handwriting is smaller than it was a year and a half ago, so that means that this entry probably would have been 14 pages had I written bigger), drew lots of conclusions, said lots of prayers, and I feel 97% better!  Now, as I was writing I started getting on the subject about how, in the course of my short life, I have come to know a few exceptional guys who have walked into my life just long enough for me to stop being annoyed with them and start wishing they would stick around more, and then they seem to just waltz back out just as daintily as they came.  (NOTE:  if you are a current/long-time guy friend of mine reading this, then I am probably not talking about you.  However, I beg you not to feel insulted.  I just take you for granted, that is all *winks*.)  

Gee, I want a Bolthouse Farms coffee drink right now!!  *resists temptation to jump in the car and go to the store*

So I started wondering, "why does it always happen to me?"  Well, it does, because I am me and as far as I know, I am the only one that anything happens to.  Aside from that shortsighted observation....um, anyways.  So the "nearly ideal" guy comes into my life.  I think, "wow, he is....everything I could have ever hoped for!"  The guy plays the piano, loves to read Charles Dickens, will talk philosophy with me, is mature, is family-oriented, shares the same ambitions as I do, wants a life I want, wants to homeschool his kids, makes me feel safe.....what more could I ask for?  So I get a little seed for the guy and I plant it in my heart, and a little plant grows for this guy.  It's not love, exactly.  I think it is a sense of completion that I long for that feels fulfilled by this guy.  So the plant grows and grows and then something happens.  Contact is lost somehow, or I just get forgotten, and it's like the plant is ripped off from its base.  The problem is, the roots are still there and  they are deep.  And once I finally finish digging the roots out, there is a hole and a lot of dirt gone where the plant used to be.  And the hole aches in an empty kind of way.  I get confused because something that was there is suddenly gone.  It's like he died, but not really.  When someone dies they are gone from this earth but they are still in your heart.  The only thing left of this guy is his hole in my heart.  And suddenly I wish I had never known him.  After a while I get used to the hole, but I can still feel it.  

So then I start feeling insecure and wondering if something is the matter with me, and conclude that I am nowhere near anybody's "near ideal" of a wife.  Because if I was, then these wonderful guys would be a little more desperate to have me around, right?  Hmph.  Well, it's not like that mattered before, right?  So why should it matter now?  (don't you just hate it when insecure feelings creep up on you when you wish they wouldn't?)  So I ignored that idea, and then immediately got another epiphany--what if I am only perfect for one guy?

O-M-G-!-!-!

What a concept, eh?  Why didn't I think of that before?  Here I was, suddenly wishing lots of guys would be in love with me for some stupid reason (the stupid reason being for my wishing, not for why the guys would like me), and all along how could I have not seen that that isn't the way it should be anyways?

So (in my journal, in the last paragraph on page 8 of the entry) I decided to pose the question to myself so as to make my point perfectly clear, "What would I rather be?  Seemingly perfect to several guys who all pursue me but none of whom may be the right one, for actually perfect for one guy?"  

Really and truly?  The second one.  I mean, with me and my female runaway romantic imagination and all, I can't help but look at the latter option and sigh, thinking, "how sweet!"  I mean, sure...anybody wants to be loved, adored, and respected by multiple members of the opposite sex.  But I like to think I have a soul mate out there, and that he and I are perfect for one another, even if neither of us seems like the ideal to anyone else.  And you know what?  Less hearts get broken that way!  

Plus, I am not all of who I will be in the next two-to-five years when I hope to be married.  I will grow a lot in that period, and while my personality will mostly stay the same, I am sure I will go through a lot that changes me.  My childishness and selfishness will get chiseled off, and the experiences I will have will "potentialize" me and make me into a fuller version of myself.  I am not perfect for someone right now, but I will be one day.  *dwells on that happy thought*

Love and Peace or Else,

~Jessica            

   

Prerequisites

These are some thoughts of mine that also happen to answer Rebecca's question in my "Reflections on 2008" entry....

I do not mean to seem like I am thinking and planning way ahead of myself, but at this moment as well as for some time I have felt as if there is a disticnt possibility that I will be married in what is now less than three years.  As I mentioned in the previous entry which was written too long ago (I am sorry about my absence as I have been going to too many sleepovers and then trying to get my life back on track, which, I have discovered, is a pretty hard thing to do), three years really is not a long time.  My life seems to go by in episodes of three years.  These next three, I feel as if God is telling me that they are specifically for marriage preperation.  

Unless my life's course drastically changes, in less than three years I shall become Mrs. Somebody.  In this alloted time, therefore, I need to prepare to take on that role.  There are, obviously, several "requirements" of being my Someone's wife.  No, I have not been sent a letter from any Somebodies detailing what these things must be in a "I won't marry you if you are not like this" kind of way.  No, there are just several things that God has put on my heart as being what I must have in place before the wedding day.  This is not to say that I am a terrible person now and I must do a complete 180 and become somebody else.  No, these are things which I desire to add on to my present self and to enhance what is already there.  These past 18 years have not been for nothing, but that certainly does not mean that I am done growing and developing.  I won't ever be, but I have to take it one step at a time.  

These things must be completed, but as we can all see I have a limited amount of time which must not be wasted.  I shall now detail the things I consider (or, rather, God considers) the "prerequisites" of a holy union with my Someone, the things which I must do to "study deserving," as Edward says in King Lear:

A Caring, Compasionate, Selfless Heart:  I shall waste no more time on anger or selfish deeds.  A woman of valor is not of those.  She is a servant, and I will now forever be.   

A Knowledge of Health and Healing:  I need to know how to properly care for myself, my husband, and our children.  If access to a doctor is limited or impossible, I must be the caretaker and healer.  Also, if we live in a rural area, possibly an area which harbors other refugees, I need to know how to heal and help them as well.

Pregnancy and Childbirth:  For the same reasons as above...for my own good and possibly the good of those around me.  One does not have to go through a 3-year Midwifery degree program to know what one is doing when a baby is coming out.  Still, I will strive to know as much as possible.

Faith:  Seeking God is important, no doubt, but it goes deeper than that.  I need to know everything he commands; everything he desires of me.  That means staying in his word daily and keeping myself from getting too caught up in life that I cannot take the time to listen to him.  And if the end times are coming, I need to not be blind about anything concerning them so that I will not be afraid.  Fear comes from a lack of knowledge.  

Occupation:  I need to make as much money as I can in this time so that I can buy waht I need for survival and to assist my husband in his endeavors to do the same.  It is of utmost importance that we create a safe life for ourselves and our future children as soon as we can, so money will be needed to go towards that somehow...in the form of a car, of books, perhaps seeds to grow our own food, building materials, livestock....whatever the Lord desires we do.  I guess it may sound a little "out there" to be assuming rural farming like this, but it is a possibility.  If it turns out that I do not live this lifestyle I already have what I need to live in a life like the one I have grown up in, that is all.  Anyways, I shall save for the future, whatever the future may be and however I might save for it.  It is probably better to put paper money back into the economy and get out of it real things of value anyways.  

So what about music and writing?  I feel as if those need to be put on the back burner now.  But saying that makes my heart ache....music and writing are the two things I have had the most passion for for my entire life, and now I am putting them off?  I guess it is because I am wondering if they are a waste of time.  Is creating a waste of time?  Maybe I am looking at it from the perspective that, if the economy breaks down, people are not going to have the money to invest in entertainment, they are going to need to invest everything in merely surviving.  So, it would be a waste of time to assume that I could write music and sell it or write a novel and sell it.  And why spend my time attempting to produce something that goes into what is already a market of uncertainty?  I could end up more broke than I am now.  

Am I completely giving up learning new instruments (after all, I did get a violin for Christmas...though somehow it is not as easy as I wanted it to be), composing, fiction reading, or writing stories?  No!  My mind just doesn't work like that.  It would just blow up eventually from deprivation of creativity.  I guess, looking back on this entry, this is already starting  to sound like you are reading Thesselonians or something practical like that, rather than witty Charles Dickens or something.  Sadness abounds.  :(  But I guess when all you have been reading is practical literature, all that comes out is practical.  *sigh*  

I guess it will not hurt to allow time for diversion.  After all....*lightbulb* my Someone is not going to want to marry a boring person, now is he?!?!  No, no, no, not at all.  Quite to the contrary, dear Watson.  ;)  Nevertheless, I shall proceed to abort this entry as my breakfast as thus far remained uneated and I am quite famished.

~Jessica