Wait....what do you mean by "family"?

My siblings and I are staying at my grandparent's for a few days, and tonight my great-grandmother took Marck, Robert, Grammy, Papa, Aunt Eleanor, and I out to eat pizza.  While we were eating another family walked in.  At least, I guess it was a family.

It was a mom, a dad, and two boys.  One of the boys looked to be about five, and the other one may have been eleven or so.  The eleven-year-old was playing a game on his cell phone, and the five-year-old was playing one of those Nintendo DS carry-around things as they walked in.  The parents ordered and the kids were still playing their games.  I could hear the music from the games halfway across the restaurant. 

This playing continued as the older boy and the parents went to the salad bar and got salads.  Eating and playing, playing and eating.  There was barely any talking from the table at all.  Finally the older boy put his phone away, and a while later, the mom told the younger boy that it was time for the game to go bye-bye for now since the pizza was almost there.  The younger boy was on the verge of a fit, and got a little talking-to from his mother.  The rest of the time he was squirmy (more than a typical five-year-old), moving all around his chair and looking very bored as he too sporadic bites of his pizza.  The older boy brought out his cell phone again about halfway through their meal.  I couldn't hear or see the family talking at all.  It was just sad.

Now, maybe this family goes out to dinner all the time and this was just another meal for them.  But when our family sits down all together for a meal (which isn't too common) we like to actually spend time with each other while doing so.  Going out to eat is something we don't do that often (because of the cost and because of the non-health-benefits associated with it), but when we do, it is a fun family activity.  I like my family and I like being with them.  Sure, I went through a phase when I was on the younger side of the teen years when I would bring a book whenever we went out to eat because I guess I wanted to read more than I wanted to be with my family or something like that.  Hey, at least books are better for your than portable video games.  

I just wonder what the point of having a family is if you go through life like that....ignoring each other.  "Who are those big people again?  Yeah, those embarrassing ones who wake me up at five in the morning to get on the bus, and who magically place food in front of me at dinner time and remind me to brush my teeth at night.  Who are those little people I keep tripping over?  I don't know, but when I come into contact with them it is incredibly annoying.  And that semi-big person?  I don't know who he is either, but he doesn't seem to like me very much."

Siblings grow up and don't even know each other, even though they should be best friends.  Parents don't know their children and aren't involved in their lives enough to recognize if the kids are getting into stuff they shouldn't.  The kids who suck their brains out playing video games all day become ADHD, and the only solution seems to be to medicate them and/or let them play more video games.  The kids also become very wonderful at developing surface relationships and terrible at developing deep ones.

It is just so sad.  I feel sorry for that family and every single one like it.  It must be awful to go through life like that.  And so what if both your parents work and they provide a big house for you to live in, millions of toys (excuse me, video games and movies), drive you around in nice cars, can afford for you a brand new car when you turn 16, and you can eat at nice restaurants every night?  What is the point of all that if you all hate each other because you hardly know one another?  If I had to give up my relationships with my mom, dad, and brothers just so I could have the life of luxury that everyone wishes they had at some point(s) or another, I wouldn't even think twice about doing it.  As long as I have my family I wouldn't mind a dumpster.  Okay, yes I would.  Maybe I should have used a different analogy.  A really bad looking lean-to shelter thing.  NOT a dumpster.  And not a port-a-potty.  

My parents have said that I can live with them forever if I want to.  Of course, not in the loser-who-lives-in-his-parent's-basement-and-plays-online-all-the-time kind of way.  In the way where I (eventually) will have a job/career around here someplace, so I can contribute to the house expenses, and I will help my mom keep the house as I do now.  Even if my brothers marry and move out (which I don't want them to till I get married, but in case that doesn't work out), I will stay with my parents, more than likely.  I guess if I get a job somewhere not close by I will have to move out, but I really don't want to live by myself, or with a bunch of girls.  I would want to live with a man, because otherwise I wouldn't feel safe.  So the only solutions are to live with a family wherever I move to, or get married.  Or just bloody stay here ;).  I don't know.  God will light my path when I get to that point.  Really, I want to only have two families in my life - the one I am living in now, and the one I start in the future when I get married.  

And I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to lose contact with my friends.  You guys are the greatest!!!  

~Jessica   

Warning: This Post Contains Trouting Thoughts

For those of you who know what I mean by trouting, have your nice reflective chuckle and then sip your decaffeinated coffee and read on.  For those of you who wonder why I am referring to fish on my blog when I do not particularly like fishing and would not be able to tell whether I was eating a catfish or a flounder were I served one of the two at the local seafood joint, 'tis your loss you didn't read my blog in the early days.  Oh, yes, it's been a while.....do not go back and read post number one.  It is probably boring and contains nothing about trouting.  Just stick with me here.

So I was feeling rather frustrated today, as I have been for about two weeks now.  Okay, frustrated is not the right word.  More like....um....troubled.  Or...er...oh, what is that word I always think of when I see a Gothic person?  It's on the tip of my tongue.  Oh, yes!  Conflicted.  I have felt quite conflicted for an estimated 10,000,000 reasons, all of which I couldn't put my finger on.  Many of them would come to mind, and I would get quite distraught over one thing before another thing would come up, and then another, and another, and pretty soon my head would be bustling with so much commotion that left my head and for a while my mainstream thought processes all took place in my esophagus (it wasn't very comfortable there, either, but it was better than my brain...and I wouldn't dare step near my heart, as it was surely much worse).  All of that to say that today I finally decided to stop putting off writing all that was in my brain down on paper, which is the only way I am able to keep anything straight and stay sane ("sane" probably being arguable to some people, but I am not asking those some peoples' opinions at this moment).  So, this entry took an hour and 45 minutes and was eleven pages long, which surprisingly did not top the record 14-page long journal entry of June, 2007 (and it wasn't even very interesting, but instead detailed three days worth of happenings, including the first meet of the season that the Seahawks won, a little meaningless piece about un-visiting with people, and the time when Sarah and I decided to start a trend of sitting on the black line on the pool deck).  Keep in mind that I do not have the pretty little diary that most girls have.  I just use 10 1/2 by 8 inch 1-subject spiral bound notebooks (they are good for long journal entries).  

AnyHOOness, I sorted through all my problems (looking back I now see that my handwriting is smaller than it was a year and a half ago, so that means that this entry probably would have been 14 pages had I written bigger), drew lots of conclusions, said lots of prayers, and I feel 97% better!  Now, as I was writing I started getting on the subject about how, in the course of my short life, I have come to know a few exceptional guys who have walked into my life just long enough for me to stop being annoyed with them and start wishing they would stick around more, and then they seem to just waltz back out just as daintily as they came.  (NOTE:  if you are a current/long-time guy friend of mine reading this, then I am probably not talking about you.  However, I beg you not to feel insulted.  I just take you for granted, that is all *winks*.)  

Gee, I want a Bolthouse Farms coffee drink right now!!  *resists temptation to jump in the car and go to the store*

So I started wondering, "why does it always happen to me?"  Well, it does, because I am me and as far as I know, I am the only one that anything happens to.  Aside from that shortsighted observation....um, anyways.  So the "nearly ideal" guy comes into my life.  I think, "wow, he is....everything I could have ever hoped for!"  The guy plays the piano, loves to read Charles Dickens, will talk philosophy with me, is mature, is family-oriented, shares the same ambitions as I do, wants a life I want, wants to homeschool his kids, makes me feel safe.....what more could I ask for?  So I get a little seed for the guy and I plant it in my heart, and a little plant grows for this guy.  It's not love, exactly.  I think it is a sense of completion that I long for that feels fulfilled by this guy.  So the plant grows and grows and then something happens.  Contact is lost somehow, or I just get forgotten, and it's like the plant is ripped off from its base.  The problem is, the roots are still there and  they are deep.  And once I finally finish digging the roots out, there is a hole and a lot of dirt gone where the plant used to be.  And the hole aches in an empty kind of way.  I get confused because something that was there is suddenly gone.  It's like he died, but not really.  When someone dies they are gone from this earth but they are still in your heart.  The only thing left of this guy is his hole in my heart.  And suddenly I wish I had never known him.  After a while I get used to the hole, but I can still feel it.  

So then I start feeling insecure and wondering if something is the matter with me, and conclude that I am nowhere near anybody's "near ideal" of a wife.  Because if I was, then these wonderful guys would be a little more desperate to have me around, right?  Hmph.  Well, it's not like that mattered before, right?  So why should it matter now?  (don't you just hate it when insecure feelings creep up on you when you wish they wouldn't?)  So I ignored that idea, and then immediately got another epiphany--what if I am only perfect for one guy?

O-M-G-!-!-!

What a concept, eh?  Why didn't I think of that before?  Here I was, suddenly wishing lots of guys would be in love with me for some stupid reason (the stupid reason being for my wishing, not for why the guys would like me), and all along how could I have not seen that that isn't the way it should be anyways?

So (in my journal, in the last paragraph on page 8 of the entry) I decided to pose the question to myself so as to make my point perfectly clear, "What would I rather be?  Seemingly perfect to several guys who all pursue me but none of whom may be the right one, for actually perfect for one guy?"  

Really and truly?  The second one.  I mean, with me and my female runaway romantic imagination and all, I can't help but look at the latter option and sigh, thinking, "how sweet!"  I mean, sure...anybody wants to be loved, adored, and respected by multiple members of the opposite sex.  But I like to think I have a soul mate out there, and that he and I are perfect for one another, even if neither of us seems like the ideal to anyone else.  And you know what?  Less hearts get broken that way!  

Plus, I am not all of who I will be in the next two-to-five years when I hope to be married.  I will grow a lot in that period, and while my personality will mostly stay the same, I am sure I will go through a lot that changes me.  My childishness and selfishness will get chiseled off, and the experiences I will have will "potentialize" me and make me into a fuller version of myself.  I am not perfect for someone right now, but I will be one day.  *dwells on that happy thought*

Love and Peace or Else,

~Jessica            

   

Break out the Buckshot...

I have been looking back over the comments for the last two entries and I have realized something....I am probably sounding proud or stuck-up.  So I would like to apologize if any of you took it that way.  I don't mean to sound that way at all.  I don't want to completely blame it on the fact that I am so entirely exhausted of other people telling me what to do with my life whenever I meekly state what I am "thinking about doing" or what I "guess I believe."  But it does get annoying and right now I assume that I can attribute my recent attitudes to these sorts of situations.  Still, that is no excuse.  

Maybe I have subconsciously set my mind to being more confident and assertive.  I don't know...*hides under a box*...I don't want to sound like, "This is what I am doing so get over it, punk."  That isn't what I mean at all.  I mean, "This is what I am doing, since this is what I am doing and all" -- if you get what I mean by that.  I am not stating that I am "homeschooling college" because I am just so much better than all of you.  I am calling it that because I am of college age and I am learning in a way that is in essence homeschooling.  That is just what I am doing.  I don't expect you to like it.  You can have a problem with it.  You can tell me that you have a problem with it, and I will take a deep breath, count to ten, and tell you that it is what I am doing, and it's just as good as whatever you are doing, and then we can all hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosie.  

By now I am sure you are all well aware of my political stance (which is that I would rather live by myself in the Bermuda Triangle, really...).  I don't want to push it over on anyone, but if others are overlooking the facts and going along with whatever all the other Americans are saying, then I would like to wave my hand in front of their face and show some people what America is really like.  It helps to know; to be aware and informed.  But that didn't really help, as it never does in debates.  So oh-well about that.

I really don't like being angry.  It stresses me out.  Last night I went to a basketball game between our Hawks and NRCA.  While exciting, I cannot even begin to explain how mad I got at the refs and at all their negative-cheering fans/students/alumni.  I won't go into detail about how stupid it all was.  But somehow I had fun rooting and doing positive cheering (even though at one point a couple of NRCA girls scoffed and told us to "shut up, guys" [in heavy valley girl accents]).  In between the JV and Varsity games we went to Sarah and Lizzie's house, where we all ate salads, soup, and sandwiches and sat around talking about how frustrating everything was.  Good times.  

This is SUCH a cliche thing to say, but I really wish there could be world peace FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  Why can't we all just get along?  What about friendly competition?  Where is the love?  I grow up thinking that everyone gets along, and then I get a reality wake-up call that everyone is NOT nice, including me.  I just will pray that every day I can take a shovel and dig out a little bit of all the anger I harbor in my heart.  Maybe one day I will clear it all out.  It is just a burden that is making me into a mean, selfish little lady.  Maybe there was a reason why Ms. Denman always cast me as evil witches and things like that.....

I guess selfishness makes us human.  It's sad....maybe I don't want to be human.  Well, Paul tells the Corinthians to aim for perfection.  I will do my best.  So long!

~Jessica 

A Blog Response

This is in response to Chris's blog entry, "Why I am Agnostic."

So the good ones die young? Firstly, that is a generalization. Secondly, death is most certainly not an end-all. Death is a gift, really, because though man has screwed the world up, God has kept heaven beautiful. While life here may seem great, heaven is a wonderful place that just gets forgotten about because people are so concentrated on life here. As for letting "bad people" live longer, we are on earth to learn to love God. Ozzie learned to love God, so God took him to with Him in heaven. He may have died tragically, but that's only as we shortsighted people here on earth see it. We don't see the big picture. So perhaps God is giving the "bad or at least not-so-good guys" more time here on earth so that they may learn to love him as much as Ozzie did. Of course, time does run out eventually.

The man who murdered John Lennon had serious problems. Lots of Christians don't like certain lyrics...but I think most of us see it as "that's the way that person is" and we can either try and help them...or if they are formerly a member of the Beatles, then we can just not listen to their music and get over it. Of course, I still listen to John Lennon, but I just don't take the lyrics seriously. But killing someone is just...absurd. Anyways, it's breaking one of the ten commandments...so...yeah. That guy had problems.

Why prepare for your "journey into the afterlife" when you are in old age or getting terribly sick? You may walk outside your door tomorrow only to have a stampede of rhinoceroses trample you to your death (try not to think about it...but it could happen). In my opinion, you should always be preparing for your afterlife. Okay, so that sounds a little silly just saying it like that....it makes me think of how the Egyptians buried all their cherished worldly possessions with their dead bodies so they could have all those things in the afterlife. But God says, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moths and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." Basically...while I suppose it's a good thing to be working on....um......surviving here on earth, we shouldn't place so much importance on things that aren't going to benefit us in the long run. While it's good to enjoy the moment, we shouldn't live solely for the now and not care about any consequences, whether those consequences are suffered here or elsewhere. All of that to say...you shouldn't try to save your soul when you know it will be too late very soon. I think that it's better - for me, anyways - to devote myself to God now. Anyways, I'm going to need Him a lot during my life.

Sin is at the bottom of everything, and man brought sin into the world. God never intended for the world to get as corrupted as it has become. But He already flooded the earth once and He promised He wouldn't do it again. In the old testament God was very judgmental...if that's the right word...well, justice was served quite a lot. Adam and Eve were banished from Eden, Cain was cursed and sent away, the earth was flooded...bad people died left and right, and the good people prevailed onward ho. But since Christ came and died for us, taking all our sins upon him, God hasn't just struck anyone down with lightning anymore. Christianity is all about loving and forgiveness and gratitude. People forget that, though. If anyone watched that video on Chris's blog...what a waste of a nice song. It was incredibly sad and I wish I could do something to help the guy understand...but I am almost afraid of him. I don't know if I would want to encounter him on the street or anything...

If anything has any comments on this, I encourage you to please do so on either my blog or Chris's blog...this isn't just some lighthearted issue here.

People

JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS - You may continue on the Bubba story. I just wanted to post a new post...

It seems so simple to say – people walk in and out of your life all the time. So why is it so strange sometimes? Why does it feel like there’s forever an empty space there now?

I begin to wonder if it has something to do with taking people for granted. I don’t think anyone just goes around all day saying “Oh my gosh, I cannot believe how great it is that I have these friends around me, my mom here, and my grandpa…life is sooooo good!” Not to say we don’t appreciate these people. But think about if, one day, you just said goodbye and the two of you – best friend, mom, grandpa, whoever – just go your separate ways and never speak to each other again. The parting is not curt, and not the result of a disagreement. Yet it is also not sentimental or thought about as being unwelcome. It’s a simple goodbye, have fun doing such-and-such, maybe we’ll run into each other sometime down the road of life and have lunch.

That just can’t HAPPEN, can it? Why would it? Yet it happens every day to everyone, just usually not with friends who are as close. It’s happened to me before over the years, but especially in this past year. It’s been very hard, because it’s not something I’m used to. It happens more with guys, too, than girls…and it’s not like I can just walk up to them and say, “wow, I’ve had a great time this semester sitting next to you in class. I’m going to miss you. Maybe we can still keep in contact, here’s my number!” I could say that to a girl and nobody would think of it at all, but I just cannot say that to a guy. I wouldn’t mean it as initiating and being forward, but it would come off as that.

Last summer there was a lifeguard at the pool. He was from New York and I was kind of afraid to talk to him (not because he was from New York). I’d talk to the other lifeguards, simply because I’ve known them all my life, but he was the new guy, and (of course) I was afraid that he would think I was initiating something. YES, maybe I assume too much about what other people assume, but don’t you think it’s better to stay on the safe side? One day near the end of the season I walked by his table where he was sitting and sort of guarding (we have very laid back lifeguards), and he was reading “The Pickwick Papers” by Charles Dickens. It turned out he loved Dickens…and I loved that he loved Dickens. Curiosity finally got the better of me on the third-to-last day of the pool, and somehow we talked a lot those last three days. I was fascinated with him. His personality was so…perfect. Everything I imagined, for the most part. But he was so different also. You know what I mean, I guess…he didn’t go about in the “lifestyle” most of us homeschoolers live. Just a typical worldly person in most respects, or something. Nonetheless, I still appreciated him very much. Then, on the last day, we just said goodbye, and I left.

It’s been a while, of course, but something is oddly empty. And it’s happened again. Sort of. Charlie’s gone off to college in Tennessee. He was another lifeguard. He was just always…there at the pool. He wasn’t like the lifeguard from last year, but just that person you partake in small talk with and always think of being there. Then his last day before leaving for school came, we said, “see ya later,” and it was all over. Nothing else.

I’ve concluded that it’s not going to happen to me again, if I can help it. Leaving swim team is really sad. I don’t think I will ever be able to completely let go. I love swimming, and swimming with these particular people. They’re the only people I’ve ever swam with. How could I ever get in the lane with anybody else? I couldn’t possibly do split-lanes and have strange conversations with anybody but Matt, Sean, Kara, Lizzie, Nathan, Noah, and Joel. Joking around with everyone at the meets and when we’re standing around waiting for coach to stop talking to random people around the deck are some of the highlights of my day, week, month, year, and life. The whole team is “my people” to me, if that makes any sense. It just breaks my heart not to be going back. I saw the sign-ups for swim team last week some time and said to myself, “Platinum team…two whole hours…” and imagined it all happening and me not being there. It will still go on. I will, too. Things will just be drastically different. I knew the moment would come eventually. I think, though, I was really in denial of it ever actually coming.

So here it is.

“So what happens now? Where am I going to?”
“Don’t ask anymore…”
~Evita