Still caught in between 10 and 20

As this is my last evening being 18, I thought it fitting to do a little "last post before I turn 19" post.

I have already recently done a reflective entry, so I am not sure what I am going to write about. I guess I will get out my 18-ish thoughts of the moment to make room for the more mature, 19-ish thoughts of the future! Here goes nothing:

I feel like I want to go to the beach....right now!! I long for our family beach trip each year, with the intense craving starting about...April, maybe even March, depending on the weather. It's the best time of the year, way better than Christmas. There is just nothing like being at the beach...it is the most blissful experience in the world. I can't describe it.

I am having a cuticle issue with my left ring finger. It hurts...it's too pushed back or something. I don't know what happened. I noticed it yesterday. On that note, I have been getting very dry hands at night lately, and I don't know why that is either. It seems as though there is always some little, strange thing wrong with me. Oh, well!

I *am* still caught between 10 and 20, though I don't like to use the word "caught", because this is a great time of my life...nothing negative about it. Still trying to clean out those teenagery cobwebs of bad attitudes, quick tempers, selfishness, hedonism, rebellion, not sleeping when I should, and sleeping when I shouldn't. I have one more year to improve greatly, right? Yes! And that is not one more year to continue in my bad habits and magically repent once I turn *gulp* 20. Hey, 19! There is work to be done around here.

Really, there is. I have this urge to organize everything in and out of sight. Unfortunately, it is a lot easier to organize things in plain view. And it is a lot easier to organize the things that are in plain view...if you don't get distracted doing a million other things. Or discouraged that this darned bedroom is too cluttered. I know I am mixing my tenses and persons but I don't care; it's late and I have only an hour and 35 minutes to be young and careless, right? Right.

Everything seems so crazy and cluttered. And I sound depressed. Maybe I am. No, I am not.

I guess I have been a little more down lately than I usually am. I don't know what the deal with myself is. It's not that I pride myself in optimism so much that I just enjoy the lifestyle, you know? And I'm not a pessimist all of a sudden...it's more like I am an apatheticist. I don't know if that is really the term or even a word, but it sounds really, really cool, doesn't it? Like being apathetic is actually really official and something worth doing!

I think that things over the summer became over scheduled, and I have overall lost track of who I am, what I am supposed to be doing, and what everything is all for. And now that I think about it...um...knowing things like that is kind of vital. Well, this certainly helps things along.

Like Rebecca said in her comment a few entries ago...I need to put God first. And while I have certainly begun giving him a little more of a place in my life, I still have my priorities all mixed up. Like I am going downhill in life and can't stop to consider what I am doing, and then get re-started at a much slower pace. Do you see what I am saying?

Schedule, schedule, schedule. Schedules never work out the way I plan them. I don't even know if they are a good way of getting things done. I just like to have everything I need to do layed out before me on a piece of paper, with times to do everything. But I forget that, throughout the day, I encounter at least four other people, two dogs, a chinchilla, weather, lack of sleep, and spontaneous urges to do other things than what are on the List of Things to Do.

So I start looking at each day as a "at least I got ANYTHING done!" day. But that isn't looking on the bright side; that is settling for underachievement. But...ugh, ugh, ugh!! I don't want to be one of those busybody, schedule-making, self-focused, weird people. I just want to live my life, you know? Just have a freestyle sort of schedule. But if I DID, then I would be playing the piano all day!! In other words, nothing would get done, I feel.

I just need to place this all in God's hands...NOW. Where did those 'rosy days' of March, April, and May go?

But seriously, guys...I am NOT really depressed. Tired, yes. Depressed, no.

Let's take the five steps to being happy:

1. Drink caffeine

2. Watch a really romantic movie or a really inspiring sports movie

3. Go driving really fast while listening to awesome music

4. Go swimming

5. Hang out and act crazy with friends

Since this list of five steps is absolutely ridiculous and simply STUPID (in regards to getting high off of natural drugs), I will go ahead and make a new one:

1. Pray and read the Bible every day

2. Put others first, having a servant's heart

3. Stay healthy

4. Love and fellowship

5. Know that everything is in God's hands

And these five things are what I throw out the window when I wake up in the morning. I roll out of bed and forget everything I need to thrive on. The first list seems to be more of what is on my mind throughout the day. I wake up and want coffee and to read a good book. The rest of the day I would rather spend doing fun things, like music or whatever. Then I want to go off and socialize for about three days straight. I spend some time getting a little done that I need to, just so I don't feel guilty about going off to some other fun outing the next moment. This is not how I need to be living my life. What am I afraid of, quiet? Letting go of my selfish desires?

In the first list I am striving and straining for one thing - to get high on life. But in the second list...oh, I can just feel the peacefulness, order, and fullness radiating off of the words! I am READY, Lord!! Let me continue in my sanctification that I seem to have abandoned. Take my life into your hands. Let me live every day for you and for others and not for myself.

It is now half an hour till I am 19. I think I will just sleep through 12:05 am, thank you.

~Jessica