Fois...

Time - I swear, what is "spare time"? I don't remember the last time I was bored. How I LONG for boredom!! Or how I wish I could go give some of the stuff I have to do now to the bored me when I was younger. Or that I could go tell the bored, younger me ALL of the things she could have been doing, so that now I would not have so much to do.

It is quite bothersome when other people complain about being bored. As if there is nothing to do. Come on, there are MILLIONS of things to do. MILLIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the week. Things have just been so crazy, I don't know what to do about anything. All I want is my normal life back. Although I don't even remember what that is anymore.

I want time back. Time to read. Time to work for my dad. Time to clean the house. Time to cook dinner. Time to spend with friends because everything else will be done. Time to learn. Time to explore. Time to spend with my family. Time to work on my writing. Time to work on my music. Time to dream.

I do everything at such a darned leisurely pace. It is really quite sickening. Why can't I just go fast and get the work done???? No, I lounge about. I do things slowly. I stop and think. I get distracted. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME????? This must be a mental disorder.

I need to make boundaries for my life. I need a set schedule. I need discipline. There needs to be dedication. A sense of responsibility. An idea of when "no nonsense" is necessary, and when the appropriate times are to be nonsensical.

Time to set some priorities. And stick with them.

First of all, my number one priority right now should be going out to the office building and faxing my release forms to the Unschool Adventures people. It has been almost a week since I e-mailed them and said, "sorry it is taking so long, I'll try to get them to you sometime tomorrow!" There is a fine example right there. Seven tomorrows later, they are still wondering where my release forms went and if I dropped off the face of the planet/fell into a coma/died.

Secondly, there is work for my dad. THIS SHOULD NOT BE THAT HARD. But with a combination of sluggishness, procrastination, and not taking myself seriously when I make schedules, I have fallen behind TWICE in the past month (and I am writing now instead of doing all these things I don't have time for, but I really must write, or I will go crazy…in which case, obviously, nothing would get done), and still have much to catch up on. As swim team has been going on, I have had little or no time to help my mom around the house, whether cooking, cleaning, or anything else. She needs the help, and I feel terrible that nothing has been getting done!!

Besides all of this and everything else, I just feel like a lazy, good-for-nothing nobody. That isn't good. Self-esteem is important.

Then I just want to have time to myself to do me-things. Like reading, writing, music, and spending time with friends and family. It was hard, while swimming, to want to swim for 2 hours each day, and then go home and want to spend more time doing other things I wanted to do, like reading or playing the piano.

Anyway. Priorities.

Non-priorities: Facebook. The bane of everyone's existence. Government-created to capture our minds in invisible cages and never set them free….I realize this and, like everyone else, cannot seem to break free in spite of my knowledge. Must…stop….chatting.....and....looking.....at.....pictures.......!!!!!

So, yes. What was that I said a while ago about not needing to go on and check it for two minutes at a time every three hours/every time I'm on my computer (which is a lot between working and writing)? Yeah, that.

Hence shall begin the Age of Discipline. Besides, how am I supposed to discipline my own children if I can't even completely discipline myself? And how in the world am I going to be a good wife or mother if I can't even handle the responsibilities of being a teenager in my parents' home? Yup, yup, yup…good points, Jessica. Good stuff.

What other things do I need to discipline myself on? If Facebook were the only thing taking up my time…then I guess I am a loser. But there are other things, which aren't inherently counterproductive. It is simply not the right time to be doing them. Example: I (immaturely) get mad about something. I (immaturely) stomp or sulk off to my room. I (immaturely) kick stuff around and mutter about how messy the room is and how somebody needs to clean it (me). I see my pennywhistle, and I start playing it. I turn on some Irish songs, and play along with those. Then I start saying, "I'll bet I can play this! And that! And the other thing!" And pretty soon I've blown 45 minutes away on the pennywhistle (no pun intended). Yes, there is nothing wrong with playing the pennywhistle. Yes, I am in a significantly better mood afterwards. But was it the right time? No, because I should have been doing dishes, folding laundry, or scrubbing the bathtub. Was it for the right reason, even? No…..um…..I never really play the pennywhistle unless I'm angry. Otherwise I don't have set practice times. And since I really TRY not to get angry, it doesn't get played all that often.

No matter what inspiration strikes me, I shouldn't book-write or songwrite when I should be answering e-mails for my dad. I seem to have this magical longing to not do what I am supposed to be doing, and to do whatever should wait till after I'm done doing what I'm supposed to. AKA "procrastination", or some relation of the curse.

Like in most things I write about, I could go on. Basically, the drastic change that needs to happen (and be kept up) in order for the Age of Discipline to fully realize itself is…responsibilities first, play later. Simple as that. My parents have been trying to teach me that principle my whole life. Now I am almost 19 and I just…might…be starting to get it. Though it doesn't count as "getting it" till I actually am able to implement it nearly flawlessly for more than a 48 hour period. Like…maybe a 48-year period. By then I suppose I'll be so used to doing it that I won't have to think about it, even though I will be retired from everything and can probably do whatever I want…