Rambling and Carrying On

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please! Do you wake every morning in shame and despair to discover your pillow is covered with hair, what ought not to be there?

Okay *clears throat bashfully*, I know it's been a while (for me), but time sure does like getting scarce around here. I wrote this Thursday evening but have not posted it till now:

So I am here at the lake house again. It is still hot outside, but the heat will die down soon, and then it will be really nice out here. It's a wonderful place to be. I would love to live up here. It's as if I am getting a massage for my soul. It’s so soothing to be among such serenity. It’s peaceful and quiet, with just the birds and the cicadas to be heard. Well, now there’s a wasp in the screened-in porch. Great. That’s comforting. Now it’s gone and I don’t know where it is. Oh…there. Anyhooness…!!!

I think, if I could just do this every weekend, or maybe every other weekend, or maybe even just once a month, I would be so much better off. It’s like a cleansing from all the bothersome and stressful elements of life. Sure, those sorts of things have their time and place and I will reap benefits for persevering and things like that one of these days. But it’s so nice to get away from it all. I believe it’s much better than choosing some sort of drug to do that for you. This is real. Non-expensive. Lovely. I can enjoy God’s creation out here, and just breathe in, breathe out, and feel the emotions slowly slipping away till all I feel is the bliss of unawareness.

One thing I have to remind myself constantly to do is to be patient. I believe that’s ultimately my biggest flaw—impatience. Nothing comes fast enough or soon enough. I mean, I enjoy living in the moment. Life is good, I’m happy. But there are things I want...MANY things I want, and now is just not the time and place for those things. There may never be a time and place for that sort of thing. That makes me upset. I want to do everything within my power to make these things happen. Things happen on their own in their own time. I can’t bring anything about; I don’t know what’s gotten in my head. Probably by trying to take over I am lessening the possibility of anything like what I want ever actually happening. But it’s a hard habit to break.
Why are habits so easy to form but so hard to break? It became second nature to me within two weeks to do two spaces after a period when I’m typing. I cannot get out of the habit of trying to write my own love story. Perhaps if I viewed it as…I need to get in the habit of sitting back and letting life do what it intends to do and stop interfering. There…I said “stop.” There’s my problem. I should only focus on what I need to DO, not what I need to STOP. Because if I’m thinking about what I need to stop, I’m thinking about that thing, and not about what I could put in its place. If I am thinking of what I need to do, I can start doing that and it will just automatically replace what I need to stop but am not mentioning in the plan because of some psychological thing or another.

So this year is going to be different. Every year is different, but this one is especially because I have discovered I have no more homeschooling left to do. Oh, pish, posh, and squash…I’m still me. It sounds like I’ve become transformed and I’m some collegiate, grown-up Jessica who is now going to be mature and boring and do mature and boring things, like wear dress suits (with the skirts), and carry a briefcase and go defend cases in that awesomely cool courthouse over there. It is pretty cool, but security always makes me nervous because I’m afraid that some button on my jeans is going to set off the beeping thing, and then they are going to suspect me of carrying knives, ninja stars, and prickly grass from the back yard (that stuff is lethal to your feet you know), and then they will have to frisk me, and they won’t be able to find what it is, and so they’ll assume I ingested my 3 weapons of choice, and so they will just confiscate me, throwing me in the back room with all the other armaments. Thus, I try to avoid the courthouse, even though it is very interesting there. I wish I could go explore and find some secret tunnels or something, maybe even solve a mystery going on there that all those law people didn’t even know about—people were trying to break in and take back their confiscated artillery!! Well, while they are doing that, they could probably take me back home, too. I’d get hungry, because you know that when security guards believe you ate a big bunch of weapons, they don’t think you will be hungry for anything else, and so they won’t feed you. Someday I will go and pole vault over the little security doorways and run on through and go listen to a case or something.
Well, the lake is completely still. I want an ice cream sandwich.

Yesterday I…well, wait. Wasn’t I saying something about this year being different? Yeah, yeah. How did that become…? Well, never mind. Anyhoo, I am going to take two Wake Tech classes, maybe three (I’ll see how the schedule is, but the third “maybe” one is on Tuesday evenings, and I really like water polo a whole lot, you see). Then, I believe, I will get a part-time job somewhere interesting, like at a pet store, a vet, or a book store. Another thing is that I am going to be working on a business-thingy. I think I’ll develop something fitness-ey, like a video set (DVD, I guess it’s called now), and maybe a nutrition booklet and/or a fitness log or something. Maybe I’ll just gather a big bunch of stuff together and sell it online. I’m not sure yet, but something along those lines. I could live off of ads, I don’t know. But something is going to happen there. I don’t want to depend on a job forever. I just need that for immediate cash for gas and classes and things. Speaking of classes, that’s the other thing. I may take that musical theatre class Lizzie, Sarah, Rachel and Kara took last year. Their production of “Annie” was exceptional, and I think it would be a very good thing to get involved with that group. And it’s so much fun…oh, how I miss doing plays and musicals!! Kara also said that the director/teacher guy is probably going to require all the musical theatre students to take a dance class. I thought about ballet for a while, but then Kara said he may teach a Broadway dancing class. I’ve always wanted to learn that Broadway-ish style, so I think that would be fun. I will be swimming, still, though I am not sure whether I will do stuff with the Seahawks somehow or another, or if I will join the Masters that swim in the mornings at TAC. But I will be swimming, I assure you. The last thing is piano lessons. I have a piano, and I can play it. Sort of. I like to think I can do a little more than bang randomly on it, even though that is what I really like to do best. Over the past year I have become rather attached to pianos. If I go somewhere where there is no piano, I feel a little empty inside. Like right now. I just wish my laptop could magically turn into a piano, and then back again. Well, the extent of my piano knowledge barely begins to reach that of a typical almost-eighteen-pianist, but I suppose since I’ve never had lessons, I have a big disadvantage. I always chose dance over piano lessons, and even though I enjoyed myself, I rather regret it. I want to learn it all!!! How am I supposed to play *insert awesome but complicated song here* if I don’t know how to play that style, or even now to coordinate myself so that I can do it all together at the normal pace? I have the slowest fingers in the world, except on the first part of Bach’s minuet in G, which doesn’t count because it’s not even meant to be played that fast. And I’m absolutely sick of it…OOOOH!!! That would make a good “On Crack” song…yeah. That sounds bad, but it’s really not. You just take a boring song, and then make it more exciting. Add some FLARE to it, for goodness sake. Ode to Joy, I hate to say, is boring. So I started doing SOMETHING to it this morning before swim practice. Work in progress. My fingers were kind of sloppy and all over the place, but I didn’t care because I was mad because I couldn’t remember what Lizzie said was the “something something key for finding the Jazz mode of something something a whole step something something like the eight key octave thing for normal things but then something something move that down here and something something something, oh, let’s go see how the nacho dip is doing.”

Blast it, stupid memory. I AM getting old.

Alrighty, time for me and my ice cream sandwich to have some quality alone-time. Over and out!

--Jessica