Could I Really be Afraid of Commitment?

Commitment....life....huh......what??  Oh, as in, the present?  Sorry, I forgot I was existing for a tiny bit.

Life has been a strange hullabaloo of nonsense flying past me at the speed of light lately, and I haven't quite gotten a grip of where I am again.  I guess this may be a pattern that might have been noticed by some people who notice things like that, but I don't know.  

First of all, I have gotten a Facebook.  Now you can all bring your palms up to your foreheads and smack accordingly, groaning, "Ooooooohhhhhhhhh, duh, that is your problem."  Yes, I have joined the ranks of the Facebookians who have had their brains sucked into the black hole of Facebook.  I am now of the opinion that Facebook is just another ploy of the High Elite to take over our minds and ultimately control us.  And I am completely serious about that.  

Much musing has mingled in my mind of late, involving just about everything under the sun, and at night the moon.  I am unfortunately cursed to be one of those people who always second-guesses themselves at every turn.  You probably figured that out too.  I guess I am not comfortable with making final decisions.  I make them, and then I go back on them.  I make new ones again, saying "This time I am really going to stick with this!!" and then something interferes with my brain frequencies and causes them to contort in some way or another, and then I fail before really even beginning.  

But you know what???  I am going to stick with something this time, no matter what.  

Of course, I will always be second-guessing myself; the idea might not always seem the most attractive, in fact it might look downright rotten at times; I will think of or come by something else more attractive and really want to switch over again; I will probably get jealous of what everyone else is doing and how much fun they are having and how successful they are being.  But you know what?  That is how life is.  That is how all commitments are.  That is how - and this is the biggie - marriage is.  Think of it!  Marriage isn't always in the fast-lane with romance happening all the time or anything crazy like that.  You have to choose, like Lizzie has said, to love this man, and love your children when you have them, most of the time.  Marriage isn't something you back out of just because you're unsure of it, it's going a little rough at the moment, another guy comes along whom you think you would rather be with, or someone else's marriage looks like it is going much smoother and you have no hope for your own...any number of things.  It is immature to think that way.  Sure, when you were a little kid, if you got tired of one toy you went and played with another.  Even if you had a favorite toy at home and you went to the store with your grandma or something and saw the latest something-or-other on the shelf and wanted it, she (being your grandma) would buy it for you and that would be your latest and greatest favorite till you got tired of it.  You may have returned to your old favorite, or gotten a new toy, but whatever it was, excessive toys teach nobody commitment. 

Great.  Now I won't let my kids play with toys either.  They are just going to hate me.  No television, no videogames, no toys...what's next?  Maybe I should lay off thinking about child neurology and psychology for a while.

I mean, I was that way, especially with books.  I'm still that way with books.  There are just too many good books to read and I read so slowly I just want to start them all at once.  Of course then I can't finish them any faster.  It's crazy.  I have some really bad habits.  Darn it.  

You know, I can look at commitment as existing with God or without God.  And there just seems to be so much more hope if I factor God into the picture!  Otherwise it is just little me trying to find my way in life all by myself, never knowing what is right, getting easily distracted, wondering excessively, among many other dreadful, anxious feelings.  But when I remember that God is there to lead me, I am just filled with "the peace that passes all understanding!"  I know that I can't go wrong by God.  The only way I can screw up is on my own accord.  I have PROOF that God will lead my way if I just put my head down and follow blindly.  Granted, I am sure everyone is some degree or another of sick and tired of hearing my story when I was 12 or so and got lost in the Henderson's woods.  But here it is again (leaving out the part about the coyote and how I got lost in the first place): I tried to find my way back several times, and finally I came to a road.  I didn't know what road it was, but I thought surely it would lead back to their house.  I walked forever in both directions and got nowhere.  BTW, the Hendersons live in the middle of nowhere on a huge piece of property, just for your general information.  Finally after who knows how long of hopeless deliberating with myself, and feeling like God was saying to go back in the woods and he would lead me home (but I didn't want to because of the coyote and if I just went back in the woods I would get lost all over again), I decided to listen to the voice in my head.  I literally put my head down and walked in some direction or another, not even bothering looking where I was going.  I walked in a straight line for probably 15 minutes, and then...lo and behold....the Henderson's cow pasture!!!!!  I climbed the fence, ran up the hill, climbed the other fence, and my dad was just coming out of the house and I burst into tears and really sentimental piano-and-strings music started to play and it was all happy................yeah.  

All of that to say that I know I can do it again with the rest of my life, as uncertain and hopeless as it seems.  God has blessed me so much in my life already with opportunities I could not have dreamed up if I was given a million years just to sit and ponder the possibilities.  In the words of the Gettys: "Don't let me lose my wonder!"  

Ah, I feel all better inside!  My brain has resurrected itself, I believe.  Now, on to productivity!!!

~Jessica