Only When

A poem by Jessica


If love was only a dream
Sunset never sought
December without moonlight
And children who forgot their names
Who gather in spots of rainbow
To show the swirls of prism...

If only a story was just so
And I found ginger in your soul
Sweet crystals in my hair
Only send you to find
Another mind to strip of all
The petty lullabies...

And the second we await
The mountains of clouds
Which dance in the sky
When you breathe and send
The fine rumble of footsteps
Carefully chosen, though never known...

Just wait until your muscles
Start to burn and you'll
See when life transcends the
Rest of the world
And thorns hold the sweetest melodies.

To Know

Thanks to my buddy Forrest, in November I acquired an interest in slam poetry. Stemming from hip-hop music, slam poetry is recited in a rhythm mimicking rapping with memorized hand gestures, and most often has an important message to deliver or shows a perspective not normally seen. It is a very fascinating art form and I highly recommend watching some videos on YouTube. It blew my mind.

Last night I sat down to write what I was intending to be lyrics for a song on piano I am in the middle of; but when I began to write something else came out. For a few months now I have been mulling – more than usual – over many, many questions about truth, right and wrong, life, God, eternity, etc. And I really had gotten in a state where I was so confused I was avoiding thinking at all; I felt like there were so many perspectives justifying themselves in my brain that it was impossible to be sure of anything anymore. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but I am sure you can imagine how miserable it is. When one doesn’t know exactly what one thinks, one loses touch with one’s identity and starts to feel like a spirit flitting from one body to the next but never having one’s own feet touch the ground.

This poem, such as it is, finally helped me figure out what I believe. Uncertainty has left me and I can walk self-assuredly on my own two feet again. Most importantly, I feel filled with “the peace that passes understanding.” I feel not only like a giant burden has been lifted, but that I now have wings.

The form/rhyming/etc. could always use improvement, so anybody is welcome to make suggestions of any kind. This does not have to be the final product.

So, without further ado...

To Know

Logic
What logic?
Logic is only a game
Think your perception is better, clearer
But rationalization is the key
Fake reason isn’t the answer
When used so high and mightily
Wrong answers are found
By looking in the wrong places
Don’t bother looking elsewhere
You won’t, and you won’t see

Time
What time?
Time is simply now
Stop pretending to balance records
Against something you have no
Knowledge of – and whoa –
Don’t go there and base your case
On what newfangled know-it-alls
Have declared to know all of
When philosophers, scientists, artists
So “primitive” to progress today
For thousands of years
Have said something else

Fate
What fate?
Fate is just a name, supposed
Substitution for careful planning
Good fate is luck, or universal balance
Bad fates just suck
Or maybe God has turned against us
But have you ever thought
We ought to have a better outlook
See past our petty sorrows
See tomorrow – we never do
Someone has a plan for this – and us
Maybe bad happens now
For the greater eternity that lies ahead
But you don’t see the big picture

Truth
What truth?
Truth is all there is
Without it we are lost and don’t accost
Ourselves to consider the price
We all pay for an individual’s fascism
So many disagree on the nitty-gritty
Details; itty-bitty issues of what is true
But do you not see past your fine long nose
You look down in disdain
At people just the same as you
And see as humanity – as one – we all agree
That God says to love one another
And hating is murder

God
What God?
God is a big guy in the sky
Laughing with glee when we skin our knee
And eagerly awaiting the day he can
Toss us all into the furnace
No. God is love. God of all people
Should know the art of mercy, compassion –
Forgiveness for us all, for whether we
Know it or reject it, we are all his
Children, and we all do the same things
None of us deserve his love; the entire race of man
Screwed up this beautiful world so much
That God died.

Every one of us is at fault
He not only forgave us, but he saved our very souls
If it’s too crazy to believe, I don’t blame you
Because I’ve been down that path
But let me ask – this act of ultimate love:
Where did it come from?
From he who IS love – the creator of love himself
How else do you think we know love?

Marion

By Jessica

Memories hide themselves in the tar

Bumpy tar

Cracked tar

Easy for things to be forgotten

Each time I walked, 'twas a new street

Same bumps

Same cracks

New joy, new love, new pain

For only a fortnight have I known this pavement

Fast friends

How so?

Your hard soul is my solace

For every time we walked together, but I alone

Old friends

Just so

Ne'er again shall I take you for granted

Like the all-seeing eye of the four walls

See what is

Knowledge disguised

Then in solitude you sing

The lullaby mourns as your black arms hold me

Say what was

Knowledge unfurled

At last I can see who I am

Ode to an Ever-Closed Library in Seaside

Boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo.

Can you see my tears?

The lovely breeze and sun

Their battle they have won

But to sit and read and write and think

Such pleasures I have none.

Forlorn

I sit

Stranded on a sidewalk

'Tis useless reasons ye hath closed

To government you have brown-nosed

Mine feeble heart longs only for thee

But returned affection I only supposed.

Sigh.

If Only

If only for a day
You and I could fly away
Into the ribbons of the sky
No one else, just you and I

If only in a dream
If reality it seemed
We could sail on seas so blue
And it would just be me and you

Would my heart not have gone astray
Had you not loved me this way?
Or am I only imagining
I could ever cause your heart to sing

Would you leave so I could come?
Can I be your only one?
Is there something in the air
Which makes me cleave to you so?

Finding thoughts inside my heart
I can’t tear myself apart
And I ask myself to where
To whom, and when must I go...?

Disorientation

Father, I cry out for you
For all the these years I cried out for other things
And now I don’t expect you to do anything for me
But you’ve shown me I am desperate
In your arms only am I whole
All this time your love pours out for me
And only now do the bells of nothing toll
If you would only lead me
Like I felt you were
What happened? Did you leave me?
No, I only left you
My heart is elsewhere
Was it ever here?
Even if it was, it was never yours
Why could I never give it to you?
Now you are showing me that I need you
How I need you, and want you more than anything
Please hear my call
You are all there is now
It took too long to realize that I should have never settled for less
I told you before that I was yours
Deceived myself, but not you
I’ve told you that I love you
But I’ve been holding out
And now I don’t know if I even know how to love you
You are all I want
All I need
All there is here
Without you, everything is nothing
I seek you out on specific things
But never on the whole
Never made the core of the matter you
My house was well-structured
Beautiful, strong, study architecture
But I built it with no foundation
Floods came and destroyed it all
You are my Master Builder
I know nothing about building
All I can do is trust in you
I wrote to him once
In a poem never put in a letter
That if he wanted my heart, he could have it
Little did I know I had already given it to him
And I hardly knew it should only be yours
Is it too late to give you my all?
Is my broken heart scattered too far and wide?
If I pick up the fragments, can you put me back together?
I am not worthy!
I have seen that I am still giving myself away
Only worrying about betraying my husband
With kisses which should have never been given or accepted
But I betray YOU with my wayward heart and worldly affections
Why do I cling to someone else
When you are inside of me?
I have broken your heart a million times
And I’ll do it a million more
Lord, help me give it ALL to you!
Not one or two parts I think are important
My heart is my core – my essential
If that is not yours, nothing is
This disorientation is because I’ve lost sight of you
Where are you? I must find you, oh Lord
I love you, don’t I? If I don’t, I am nothing
Your cross...I put you there
I would not have cried; I would have mocked and jeered
Yet you love me enough to die
And show me how empty I am
Lord, I am truly empty now
And I you will not come; I must seek you out
I love you so, but I want so much
Clear out the clutter of all my desires
I want only you and I want only what you want
Save me, oh my Lord
I know you have...I need not ask
I believe, God. I beleive in the cross
I believe it all
I believe I do not know things
And I know it is important to know them
I lay myself at your feet
Lift me up, and hold me close
I want to love you as you love me
Let me look into your eyes and get lost in their beauty
Then only will I truly know, see, find, and be found.

Residing

Music and lyrics by Jessica

(Verse One)
Carry me home
Where is home to me anyway
A lonely old house
Surrounded by new buildings

The world is
At a beginning but at an end
I do not know
Will you show me the way

(Channel)
Confiding, residing
But washed away with tears
I know that you know
I’m losing all I hold dear

(Chorus)
Where will I go
Now that I know
Somebody loves me

How will I find
Someone who’s mine
Lives up to the way

(Verse Two)
Am I done here
But is here really here at all
A river of thoughts
Watch as it’s drained away

(Channel Two)
Losing, choosing
Memories carried away
You know that I know
It’s not safe, I can’t stay

(Chorus)

(Channel Three)
Abiding, Confiding
But blown away by the breeze
Oh no, don’t you go
I’m asking begging you please

(Bridge)
I’ll sail away
Will you follow me
As I’m leaving you
Nothing to say
Can’t you just agree
There’s nothing for us to do
But let it go…

This Morning

The clouds are still grey with a hint of blue in them.  The fresh dogwood blooms are dampened by the early morning rain, and are dripping and drooping towards the lush, wet grass.  Sparrows call and finches chirp, calling the sun out from the shadows where it sleeps.  The softest breeze kisses the pine branches enough to induce droplets to tumble down, and the maple branches dance as the horizon grows brighter and brighter with every call of the waxwing.  The colors of Springtime are now illuminated fully as the orange rays spill over the grass.  Yet the sun shrinks back.  A tossing wind stirs the branches now, and then stops again.  

I smell the wetness of the yard through my window as the sun attempts to show its face again.  But alas, it is for a mere second before it seems I only imagined the rays.  And then...light!  Beautiful sunshine!  Here to stay...but gone again.  

It is fascinating how every day seems to be the same, but then it is different also.  Each day something happens, and the next day I think differently of everything than I did the day before, after my dreams cultivate in my brain.  My opinions don't change much, for I am not some wet blanket or another.  But even one mild event in one day can change an entire outlook in the next.  A friend and I long for childhood again, dress up in long skirts, and go take a midnight walk, stopping only to lay in a hammok to gaze longingly at the stars.  We talk of the future, of hopes and desires, and we make promises to each other all over again.  Another friend writes and reminds me of the life ahead of me; how the key to it is to simply walk through the open door, no matter how daunting the doorway is.  A book I chanced upon finally makes it all clear, that my idleness and idolatry are in vain.  My family is proof that there really is no place like home.

The direction does not have to be 100% clear.  The end does not have to be visable.  Then how am I supposed to know what is right?  Instinct is as trustworthy as stranger's casual opinion.  But God is good, and he has blessed me thus far.  Just because I cannot see does not mean I am walking blindly.  It would be better to lose my sight altogether; it would make me more fully rely on my Father, and acknowledge that he is the only one who really has the true ability to see anything.  

Outside it has grown dark again, with only a hint of what brightness kept peeping out.  But perhaps today is a day for clouds, and tomorrow the sun with shine.  

~Jessica

Poetic License

As I have said many times before, this is my blog and I may do on it what I please.  Hence I present to you a fairly long sort of "poem", which has absolutely no structure whatsoever, and while writing it I couldn't seem to draw any nice, poetic words or phrases out of myself, so it sounds like plain English to me.  I also cannot think of anything to call it, so I am leaving it untitled:

Are you forever distant?

Have we become strangers?

Once so close...

But what is it that I long for?

I long for the closeness

Of one heart to another

Of two lives entwined

The deepest intimacy imagined

But do I really want it from you?

I think it is because we really were

Each other's exclusive sharers of life

That I cannot let what could have been go

Even if I know we aren't going the same way.

I wonder if I could ever love any

As much as I cared for you

When I was sure we wouldn't separate

And all my dreams would come true.

Why is it that I hold onto that emotion?

I thought I had lost it.  

I am better without it.

You waltz in and I can't get you to go out

You are at my side for a moment

But I clasp onto you and you stay there for weeks

On my heart which seemed complete beforehand.

So now - how will I know whom I really love

And whom I only want to love?

Are our paths in life perpendicular?

Meeting you was only our lives intersecting

I must continue on; I cannot go back

You cannot go back

If we go back, we get nowhere

And I refuse to live my life going around a traffic circle!

You go your way, I'll go mine

We'll drift further away

I never held your hand nor your heart

Yet something is hard to let go.

And how could you have been holding some part of me

All the while I didn't know?

Seeing the bright, beaming light of matrimony

Staring me straight in my face

I often to do not remember my present youth.

Yet even in the short time of our acquaintance

I have changed and grown so much.

There is something about the time

Since the day I first saw you

That brought magic in my life

And I saw in front of my dreams-

Both those entertained and whose which entertained-

Reality bestowed upon me things I believed

Were to forever remain my fantasies.

Also my cold and blind heart has warmed

And I can see now, though not as clearly as I might.

Are you the influence? Or merely an association

Only along for a ride as I stand in the meadow

And let the strong breeze of disestablishment 

Conquer me?

You are there, and you are gone.

Someday someone will be there and he will never leave.

He is not you, as I had naively hoped so intensely.

Hope can be so repulsive.

Have I not yet learned it must be avoided at all costs?

before the storm

by Jessica

As a black cloud decends

and a chilling wind

sifts wildly through the trees

an hundred ravens seen high above

catch their wings on the air

and spill from the North

towards the lighter horizon

where the sun gives the impression

of setting in the stroke of a peach cloud

against a pale blue sky.

Sounds of the Morning

Music and Lyrics by Jessica


Verse One
The sentiments of judgment
Scarce can find
A blanket covering my fears

And the gracious bare sun glint
An empty abbey
Drowning out all my cries with the tears

Chorus
Oh how the whippoorwill calls
Sweet like honey
As the woodpecker hammers
Rushing brook
Sounds of the morning
Far away for now
Far away for now

Verse Two
Mind wanders through the days
Blend together
Sensibility lost in a hurricane

The pain is now throbbing
Sky is dark
Cut off from love’s army

Bridge
Do you look at me
Do you see me
Why is it solely one
Me thinking you’re the only one

Warm association
Pleasant sound vibration
Am I calloused
To my longing and desire?

Verse Three
Anxious and eager
A blank white wall
Don’t know why I hold you so dear…

Understand

Music and Lyrics by J. C. B.


Fairest of light streams down my face
Leaving emotions without a trace
A heart beats when others set the pace
Must you turn everything into a race?
Trying so hard to steal second base
Though I like it when you start the chase
Draped over my chest is a cover of lace
Flowers for one in a hollow vase

Coming one day to
Initiate
I won’t turn away you
Just must wait

Understand
I think differently from you
A new plan
You’ll have to think it all through
In your hands
There’s nothing I can do
Where we’ll stand
A vision so new

Serenity I will abate
Whilst you leave your life all to fate
Again I ask you to please wait
I fear it’s that word you’ll always hate
Hopeful I stand for you at the gate
Admitting I cannot use my heart for bait
If you come at all you’ll be coming late
Who grows more anxious at this rate?

I know you want me now
Just a taste
But if you get your way
It will be a waste

You know one day
I’ll stand and say
I love you too
It’s tried and true
I love you now
Though I don’t know how
So wait and see
Love’s eventually…

Here

Music and Lyrics by Jessica


Cool breeze dries a painted picture
My hair is tossed in the wind
Somehow I saw this far
Though I didn’t know who you are

I want to stay right here forever
Knowing I’m right—you love me, too
What have I been thinking all this time?
It’s not a joke that I could call you mine


Stay right here a little while
I’m so entranced by your smile
Why did I deny my love for you?
Strange how we were both so fooled


Sun shines, but the trees protect me
Lush green where I saw you first
The moment is here, but is it right?
How could I have let you see the light?


So distracted, but now we see
I hope I look at you the same way you look at me
Not another trace of fear
My heart’s so happy now you’re here


A division of two sides of me
One for you…maybe
But I know you see me here
Please don’t hesitate to come so near

The Sight of My Love...

A Poem by Jessica Claire Barker

My love, my love
I see you there
I pause in the door way
And I stare
I've just returned
From rushing 'round
Now I'm home with you
Knowing I'm safe and sound
The corners of your mouth
Turned up in a smile
In wonderland
You have been a while
I long to ask you
Where you are
And where you've been
You have traveled far
My love, I know
In dreamland be
I don't wish to wake
You from your fantasy
I glide over-
Yes, I dare-
To kiss your eyes
And stroke your hair
"I love you," I whisper
As I lay my head down
I listen to your heart
'Tis the purest sound
Dawn breaks and I realize
The beats fade away
And I see I am caught
In the moment of today
I look down to where
My love should be
And I shed a single tear
Over what I do not see
"Someday," I murmur,
"You won't be a dream.
My love won't disappear
at the first sunbeam....."

Come True

The layers of beauty surround me
As I sit here alone
We both know who created this
Now I want you to be here
To share this with me
And not just now, but forever more

The quiet here is thrilling
But the scratching of my pen
Reminds me of where my heart has been
I can hear your whispers
From far away in my ear
Will you ever walk the path with me?

I’m afraid to write about you
Afraid it is not due
Scared to wish on a melody
For fear it won’t come true

I find myself pondering
Why it changes so suddenly
Will inspiration ever find me?
I feel my soul unwinding
Hiding behind a story book
Perhaps the tale should not be told

One day I want to be lost
In the sea of your eyes forever
And in the sounds of your stunning harmonies
You’ll never believe the affections
That sprung from our recent farewell
Ever since I’ve been blind to everything…

If you want to hold
My heart in your arms
Just tell me, I’ll let you
I know you’ll do it no harm

~JCB

A Liberation

I’ve said I felt this before
But is it real this time?
Love stranded on an eastern shore
See the path to its west – a bending line
Has something liberated me?
Seeing he’s different in that he’s the same
My heart is unconstrained– my mind set free
Never again will worries maim
My soul feels the breeze blowing through
It has opened up its unused wings
Feels a sudden thrill, urges to fly to
The place where all spirits sing…

~JCB

Swallowed

I wondered who would care
When I found you I went there
Nothing original, I discovered
All around you they hover

I’m less than a face in the crowd
Your boasting and their cheering so loud
I sit, mesmerized and lost
Life swallowed you up at such a cost

I think I thought that I loved you
And I don’t understand why they still do
But I guess you’ve never known
How to live life on your own
And you’ll never accept this as truth

When you look into the screen
Into my eyes it seems
You must know that’s what they all see
They don’t ask, “would he seriously look at me?”

I still wish I held your affections
You know there have been some tensions
When you grew into the boy you are
From my expectations you’ve fallen so far

I know your heart belongs to no one
Not even yourself
Do you even have one now, I have to wonder
What are you in this for anyways?

Whatever happened to the time
When we were young
When I thought I knew you?
It left with your soul years ago…

As I Sit Here Quietly

The evening is warm
Are we so close?
Hands are cold
A quiet drive home

Transcribing words in my head
Seems like my thoughts are all dead
Dusk comes and I say goodbye

Can you whisper melodies
Can they echo in the silence
Is there a way to tell a friend
A desire never murmured before?

To find a pair of green eyes
Against a mask of ivory
Are they surprised to see
My blue ones among the rest?

I am not the only one who hears
The inseparable polyphony…

Did you dream about me too?
Is it all different now?
I’m taken aback
How did this ever come about?
Such good friends, the three of us
Yet something separates us all…

~JCB

The Dream

The Dream…
A Poem by Jessica Claire Barker

A dangerous dive into harmony so faint
Strong whispers plummet hoarsely into oblivion
The mystery of a still-lying, melancholy ocean
Where an empty echo hardly resounds

The apathetic sky allows itself to be alive
An old fence caringly stands
A new gate daringly grants you entrance
Where an abridged river longs for freedom

The shrouded symphony feels regret
As the water stirs meaninglessly
To fully abandon the attractive novel
See the audacious dawn weakly abate

The cricket’s music sadly abbreviated
See the hidden source of the borne chaos
Searching for your crying eyes in a photograph
At last, the colorful flame aborts…

A Different Song

Love stopping the magic
Of the day slipping by
You’re not the one for me
Is that something I can accept?

The time ticking by
Ruining the meter
Of the song we once sang
Is that something permanent?

Ever willing to hope
For your return
The fire burning
Flames licking my heart

I cannot feel any love
But the love I imagine
Can I go on
Write a new song

A melody devoid of emotions
No feelings as I once had
Channeling my senses
Into someone else

But will that someone
Do me the same as you did
Can I go on and sing my song
Loud and appassionato

You cannot see
How much you meant to me
And I won’t tell
How much you’ve made my life hell

But I’ll paint a picture
I’ll write a new song
Take off my shoes
Walk away
Today…

~JCB