Disorientation

Father, I cry out for you
For all the these years I cried out for other things
And now I don’t expect you to do anything for me
But you’ve shown me I am desperate
In your arms only am I whole
All this time your love pours out for me
And only now do the bells of nothing toll
If you would only lead me
Like I felt you were
What happened? Did you leave me?
No, I only left you
My heart is elsewhere
Was it ever here?
Even if it was, it was never yours
Why could I never give it to you?
Now you are showing me that I need you
How I need you, and want you more than anything
Please hear my call
You are all there is now
It took too long to realize that I should have never settled for less
I told you before that I was yours
Deceived myself, but not you
I’ve told you that I love you
But I’ve been holding out
And now I don’t know if I even know how to love you
You are all I want
All I need
All there is here
Without you, everything is nothing
I seek you out on specific things
But never on the whole
Never made the core of the matter you
My house was well-structured
Beautiful, strong, study architecture
But I built it with no foundation
Floods came and destroyed it all
You are my Master Builder
I know nothing about building
All I can do is trust in you
I wrote to him once
In a poem never put in a letter
That if he wanted my heart, he could have it
Little did I know I had already given it to him
And I hardly knew it should only be yours
Is it too late to give you my all?
Is my broken heart scattered too far and wide?
If I pick up the fragments, can you put me back together?
I am not worthy!
I have seen that I am still giving myself away
Only worrying about betraying my husband
With kisses which should have never been given or accepted
But I betray YOU with my wayward heart and worldly affections
Why do I cling to someone else
When you are inside of me?
I have broken your heart a million times
And I’ll do it a million more
Lord, help me give it ALL to you!
Not one or two parts I think are important
My heart is my core – my essential
If that is not yours, nothing is
This disorientation is because I’ve lost sight of you
Where are you? I must find you, oh Lord
I love you, don’t I? If I don’t, I am nothing
Your cross...I put you there
I would not have cried; I would have mocked and jeered
Yet you love me enough to die
And show me how empty I am
Lord, I am truly empty now
And I you will not come; I must seek you out
I love you so, but I want so much
Clear out the clutter of all my desires
I want only you and I want only what you want
Save me, oh my Lord
I know you have...I need not ask
I believe, God. I beleive in the cross
I believe it all
I believe I do not know things
And I know it is important to know them
I lay myself at your feet
Lift me up, and hold me close
I want to love you as you love me
Let me look into your eyes and get lost in their beauty
Then only will I truly know, see, find, and be found.