To Know

Thanks to my buddy Forrest, in November I acquired an interest in slam poetry. Stemming from hip-hop music, slam poetry is recited in a rhythm mimicking rapping with memorized hand gestures, and most often has an important message to deliver or shows a perspective not normally seen. It is a very fascinating art form and I highly recommend watching some videos on YouTube. It blew my mind.

Last night I sat down to write what I was intending to be lyrics for a song on piano I am in the middle of; but when I began to write something else came out. For a few months now I have been mulling – more than usual – over many, many questions about truth, right and wrong, life, God, eternity, etc. And I really had gotten in a state where I was so confused I was avoiding thinking at all; I felt like there were so many perspectives justifying themselves in my brain that it was impossible to be sure of anything anymore. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but I am sure you can imagine how miserable it is. When one doesn’t know exactly what one thinks, one loses touch with one’s identity and starts to feel like a spirit flitting from one body to the next but never having one’s own feet touch the ground.

This poem, such as it is, finally helped me figure out what I believe. Uncertainty has left me and I can walk self-assuredly on my own two feet again. Most importantly, I feel filled with “the peace that passes understanding.” I feel not only like a giant burden has been lifted, but that I now have wings.

The form/rhyming/etc. could always use improvement, so anybody is welcome to make suggestions of any kind. This does not have to be the final product.

So, without further ado...

To Know

Logic
What logic?
Logic is only a game
Think your perception is better, clearer
But rationalization is the key
Fake reason isn’t the answer
When used so high and mightily
Wrong answers are found
By looking in the wrong places
Don’t bother looking elsewhere
You won’t, and you won’t see

Time
What time?
Time is simply now
Stop pretending to balance records
Against something you have no
Knowledge of – and whoa –
Don’t go there and base your case
On what newfangled know-it-alls
Have declared to know all of
When philosophers, scientists, artists
So “primitive” to progress today
For thousands of years
Have said something else

Fate
What fate?
Fate is just a name, supposed
Substitution for careful planning
Good fate is luck, or universal balance
Bad fates just suck
Or maybe God has turned against us
But have you ever thought
We ought to have a better outlook
See past our petty sorrows
See tomorrow – we never do
Someone has a plan for this – and us
Maybe bad happens now
For the greater eternity that lies ahead
But you don’t see the big picture

Truth
What truth?
Truth is all there is
Without it we are lost and don’t accost
Ourselves to consider the price
We all pay for an individual’s fascism
So many disagree on the nitty-gritty
Details; itty-bitty issues of what is true
But do you not see past your fine long nose
You look down in disdain
At people just the same as you
And see as humanity – as one – we all agree
That God says to love one another
And hating is murder

God
What God?
God is a big guy in the sky
Laughing with glee when we skin our knee
And eagerly awaiting the day he can
Toss us all into the furnace
No. God is love. God of all people
Should know the art of mercy, compassion –
Forgiveness for us all, for whether we
Know it or reject it, we are all his
Children, and we all do the same things
None of us deserve his love; the entire race of man
Screwed up this beautiful world so much
That God died.

Every one of us is at fault
He not only forgave us, but he saved our very souls
If it’s too crazy to believe, I don’t blame you
Because I’ve been down that path
But let me ask – this act of ultimate love:
Where did it come from?
From he who IS love – the creator of love himself
How else do you think we know love?

Temple

Note: An entry on the books in more detail is coming soon. Until then, enjoy some flash fiction.

The lights were out and we could see only because our eyes had adjusted and the full moon beamed sleepily through the thin curtains. My eyes stung but my heart’s angry palpitations were slowly soothed by Temple’s soft humming as she ran her fingers through my hair. I felt sorry my tears had fallen down beside my head on her lap, but she didn’t seem to mind. Temple’s other hand held mine, stroking my palm with her thumb as I lay it on my shallowly breathing abdomen.

I took in a deep breath and it came in shakily. It felt good. Temple said nothing and I loved her all the better for it. For a moment I wanted to be silent as well, but in my mind thoughts screamed and scratched for release.

“Is it possible to be sure of myself?” I asked in a cracking tremor. “Am I destined to go through life, never quite certain of what I believe?” Temple’s humming had stopped, but I dared not look into her lovely melancholy face. I had yet to know what lay beyond. I was afraid to know, and perhaps she guessed it. Another tear escaped as I blinked. I yawned, breathing deeply again and feeling the emotional exhaustion pressing down on my heart. “Temple, who am I?”

When Temple finally answered, I could not detect emotion. “You are who you are on the outside, and who you are on the inside.” I almost asked her what she meant, except that after a moment’s pause she began again in her calm and calculated manner. “You are what you do – every little thing. And that is all influenced by what you think. You can think all you need to, but who you are is defined by what you end up doing. An ultimatum is an ultimatum. Once met and dealt with... there you are.”

I could not feel myself tremble any more, and finally dared to look up at Temple. I was met with a small smile that changed her whole face. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I felt more tears coming as in the glassy blue of her eyes I knew I had finally found a sister.

Books Read in 2009

So this is a first in a series of New Year posts I spontaneously decided to... um... plan. I shall first do a general re-cap of books, then perhaps a couple more entries specifically about the books and why I rated them what I did. Then, I want to do another entry or two about what I did in 2009 and what I want to do in 2010. This will probably end with the resolution to "blog more." ;-)

So, I am stealing Natalie's format and rating system this year:

5-I REALLY liked it!
4-Also very, very good
3-Good
2-Okay, but not necessarily worth the time
1-Wouldn't recommend it

Now, just because I rate something a 5, 4, or 3, doesn't mean I didn't like it. I just had to be positively addicted to the book for it to get a 5 and/or just keep singing its praises after I finish reading it; for it to get a 4 it still has to be a very excellent book I would most certainly recommend, and for it to get a 3 I would still recommend it, but I'm not jumping up and down excited about it, nor will I really find much to say about why you should read it, other than that it was definitely good. As for 2... it goes for books that were, in general, interesting enough, but I was eager to just get them over with and if anybody asked me if they should read it, I would say probably not, unless you're really interested in _____. As for 1: IT SUCKED. Hands down, don't read it. I'll tell you why, too, if you really want to know. Just don't read it. Please.

So, here we go. I read 21 more books than I did last year! Each year I am going to try and increase the number of books I read. Hopefully. *drinks to more reading* Mmm... Martinelli's.

January

1. How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor by Robert S. Mendelsohn - 5
2. The Mystery of Iniquity by Michael Rood - 1
3. Let me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot - 4

February

4. For Young Women Only by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn and Lisa Ann Rice - 3
5. For Young Men Only by Jeff Feldhahn - 3
6. For Women Only by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn - 3
7. Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis - 5

March

8. Everybody's Guide to Homeopathic Medicines by M.D. Stephen Cummings and Dana Ullman - 4
9. Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto - 5

April

10. Not Even a Hint by Joshua Harris - 3
11. Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens - 5
12. Persuasion by Jane Austen - 4
13. Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy - 3

May

14. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies "by Jane Austen" and some IDIOT - 1
15. A Year in Provence by Peter Mayle - 3
16. Writing Life Stories by Bill Roorbach - 4
17. Living the Cross Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney - 4

June

18. Across the River and Through the Trees by Ernest Hemingway - 4
19. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen - 4
20. Whatever Happened to Justice? By Richard Maybury - 5
21. Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose - 5

July

22. Every Young Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge - 3
23. The Sign of Four by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 3
24. The Complete Guide to Homeopathy by Andrew Lockie - 3
25. The Dependent Gene by David S. Moore - 4

August

26. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux - 5+++!!!!!!!!!
27. No Plot? No Problem! By Chris Baty - 3
28. House by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker - 2 (I hate to say it, but I just didn't like it that much!)
29. The Lost Virtue of Happiness by Klaus Issler and J. P. Moreland - 2

September

30. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 4
31. Kiss by Ted Dekker and Erin Heely - 4
32. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - 5
33. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield - 5
34. Keeping a Journal You Love by Sheila Bender - 3
35. Human by Robert Winston - 2

October

36. The Kingdom of Strange by Shula Klinger - 3
37. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen - 3
38. Story by Robert McKee - 5

November

39. "The Weight of Glory" and Other Addresses by C. S. Lewis - 4
40. "The Earthquake in Chile" and "The Marquise of O-" by Heinrich von Kleist - 3

December

41. Are You Liberal, Conservative, or Confused? By Richard Maybury - 5
42. A Long Fatal Love Chase by Louisa May Alcott - 4
43. College Without Highschool by Blake Boles - 4
44. When God Writes Your Life Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy - 3

Feel free to ask any questions about these books that you want! I will hopefully elaborate on them soon. :)

~Jessica