Life Without College

Well, folks, I don't know whether this is the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, or simply a redirection of focus for the time being. I have been contemplating starting a new blog for a while now, about my "life and adventures" of being an autodidact and not choosing the traditional college path. I was considering for a while simply changing this blog up to suit that purpose, but in the end I made the official decision to start a brand-new blog.

It is with great excitement that I announce my new blog: Life Without College. So far I have two entries and more feedback that I could have hoped for in the span of 5 days, and I am very excited to see where this new pursuit will go.

The blog that you are looking at right now will still be up and running, perhaps at the pace it already was; I fully intend on writing the book reviews I promised. So this blog will probably primarily be used for book reviews, poetry, and other similar non-related topics to Life Without College.

So, check out my new blog, enjoy, and be sure to tell your friends!

Yours Truly,
~Jessica

Only When

A poem by Jessica


If love was only a dream
Sunset never sought
December without moonlight
And children who forgot their names
Who gather in spots of rainbow
To show the swirls of prism...

If only a story was just so
And I found ginger in your soul
Sweet crystals in my hair
Only send you to find
Another mind to strip of all
The petty lullabies...

And the second we await
The mountains of clouds
Which dance in the sky
When you breathe and send
The fine rumble of footsteps
Carefully chosen, though never known...

Just wait until your muscles
Start to burn and you'll
See when life transcends the
Rest of the world
And thorns hold the sweetest melodies.

Pictures from November 2009 Oregon Trip

Hello everyone, guess what? I finally put my pictures from Oregon on Picasa, so everyone who doesn't have a Facebook can now see them!! Huzzah.

Here is the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/jessicacbarker90/OregonNaNoWriMo#

Enjoy!

A Morning in the Finch Household

You may or may not be familiar with my dear Finch family. Whatever your case, I highly recommend brushing up on your knowledge of them before reading on: http://jblog08.blogspot.com/2009/03/finch-family.html


I shall begin this next segment with the second-to-last paragraph of the first segment. So, don't be confused.

The Finch family lived in a modest home right in the very middle of Fanghorn Avenue. The downstairs consisted of a parlor, kitchen, dining room, powder room, and a small cupboard for the placement of articles of warmth from the cold in the winter, which was located in the passage. Upstairs (the steps leading to and from which were located next-door to the aforementioned cupboard), were four bedrooms. One for Mr. and Mrs. Finch, one for Greta and Evelyn, one for Edward and Victor, and one for guests when guests came, but otherwise for collection overflow on behalf of Mr. Finch, Mrs. Finch, Greta, and Evelyn (all of whom would have rather kept all of each collection in his or her room, but ran out). Edward and Victor, wanting to share in the equal subdivision of the spare room, collected odds and ends precisely for the purpose of storing when no guests were around. Edward heartlessly collected many ounces of dust lying around the house (causing Mrs. Finch to keep her sanity in check in the most mundane respects of furniture dusting), and Victor had the clever idea of cutting out encyclopedia articles which he thought he might read in the future when he got around to it, (of course, Mr. Finch was not of the knowledge of this defacement) and putting them in spare jars which Evelyn discarded when any particular culture grew too big for it. This resulted in Victor not wanting to actually read the articles because to pull them back out again would render the entire time reading a time spent smelling nothing short of the most awful stench in the world, which was impossible to wash out of the jars. There was also a bathroom up stairs which everyone shared, though everyone complained considerably of everyone else taking much too long in the bathroom doing various and sundry preparations and primpings which were necessary to the party concerned with doing preparations and primpings, but were absolutely ridiculous to all who were affected by not being able to use the bathroom at the time they wished to.

It was on one such a morning that Greta was taking an especially lengthy time in the bathroom, because she felt she must brush her hair out as long as possible in order for it to be as long and silky as possible. The day before, her friend at school had let her borrow a very expensive hairbrush, telling her that the only way for her hair to be perfect was to brush it consistently for at least an hour. The three other siblings were outside the door as well. Edward was wrestling with Evelyn, asking her why and for what absurd reason she should think that girls need to be first.

“Why, they take longer to get ready, of course! Boys can do it in five minutes flat,” she reasoned, stamping her foot in front of her to hold her place in line. She pulled the rest of herself up in front of Edward.

Edward glared. “But that is the whole point! Why can’t we just get ready first, since we take such a short amount of time, and then you girls can take your sweet time afterwards, minus the banging and nagging.”

“Because,” Evelyn stuck her nose in the air, “when you go first, you DON’T take five minutes...you take hours!!”

Victor piped up, “Why, Evelyn, we are only showing you what it feels like to wait. If you didn’t take so long, this demonstration would certainly not be necessary.”

Evelyn was shoved back by Edward, and then shoved back farther still by Victor, so that she was at the back of the line. She scoffed. “You boys are just wasting time in there??”

Victor shrugged. “I usually read; quite often one of my Guinness Book of World Records or something of the sort.”

Edward added, “One time I opened the window, climbed down the side of the house, went for a relaxing swim, played in the mud, and then I climbed back up and took a real, well-deserved, lengthy bath because this time I was really messy. I should do that more often...”

Evelyn’s jaw dropped. “You...!” she squeaked presently. “I’m telling mum on you!”

“I had to clean the floor, of course, too,” Edward continued. “That was a bit of a downer; anti-climactic and whatnot. But other than that, it was quite fun. And when I came out, you and Greta had fallen asleep in front of the door with your towels as pillows!”

Evelyn’s eyes widened at the memory, and she quickly dropped to the floor, crawling between her brothers’ legs to get to the front of the line. Victor cried, “No!!” and crawled likewise to the front. Edward, appalled at being pushed to the back so quickly, tried to repeat the action. Though he ended up toppling his brother and sister over, rather than making a clean sweep of things, he resumed his spot as first in line.

“I don’t want to be after you if you are going swimming again!” Victor pouted.

“Well, I don’t want to be after YOU if you are going to read a giant book full of nonsense!” Edward shot back. “I mean, you do it anyway, but it is an unacceptable bathroom behavior.”

“My hair takes longer to dry than either of yours!” Evelyn continued to protest from the back of the line. “I simply must go first, or I shan’t survive the day.”

Edward rolled his eyes. “What has hair-drying go to do with anything?”

“A lot.”

“What, then?”

Evelyn wasn’t sure, but it was certainly a lot.

Edward and Victor were laughing so hard at Evelyn’s failure to come up with a good argument that they did not hear or see Mrs. Finch ascending the staircase. She only wore her hats in company or out in public, and without them she actually resembled a normal human being. She glided over to stand, looking down upon her children (except for Edward, who was a little taller than she was).

Mrs. Finch did not demand to know what the trouble was. Instead, she said: “Your distant cousin Robby Arbuckle is coming to see us, and stay in the spare room.”

Upon hearing this, the three children froze, and even Greta (who always listened in with great ears for doing so, but never acted like she heard anything) poked her half-brushed head out of the restroom. “What??” The four demanded in unison.

Kind of Like Blogging!

So I got this little page-thing on this website-place. It's called Form Spring. I don't know why. But it's an interesting little cubbyhole where people can ask each other questions, and then answer them. I'm seeing it now as some sort of blogging, but a little easier to handle, because they are little blurbs. I might combine some into a blog entry later or let them inspire me into one.

It's an interesting little hub. Check it out: http://www.formspring.me/jessclaire08

And do not worry, people - I have not forgotten about writing about the books I read last year!!! Okay, I have forgotten once or twice, but every time I sit down to write another blog entry, I DO remember. Feel free to spam me with reminders. I will get to it sooooon!!!

~Jessica

To Know

Thanks to my buddy Forrest, in November I acquired an interest in slam poetry. Stemming from hip-hop music, slam poetry is recited in a rhythm mimicking rapping with memorized hand gestures, and most often has an important message to deliver or shows a perspective not normally seen. It is a very fascinating art form and I highly recommend watching some videos on YouTube. It blew my mind.

Last night I sat down to write what I was intending to be lyrics for a song on piano I am in the middle of; but when I began to write something else came out. For a few months now I have been mulling – more than usual – over many, many questions about truth, right and wrong, life, God, eternity, etc. And I really had gotten in a state where I was so confused I was avoiding thinking at all; I felt like there were so many perspectives justifying themselves in my brain that it was impossible to be sure of anything anymore. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but I am sure you can imagine how miserable it is. When one doesn’t know exactly what one thinks, one loses touch with one’s identity and starts to feel like a spirit flitting from one body to the next but never having one’s own feet touch the ground.

This poem, such as it is, finally helped me figure out what I believe. Uncertainty has left me and I can walk self-assuredly on my own two feet again. Most importantly, I feel filled with “the peace that passes understanding.” I feel not only like a giant burden has been lifted, but that I now have wings.

The form/rhyming/etc. could always use improvement, so anybody is welcome to make suggestions of any kind. This does not have to be the final product.

So, without further ado...

To Know

Logic
What logic?
Logic is only a game
Think your perception is better, clearer
But rationalization is the key
Fake reason isn’t the answer
When used so high and mightily
Wrong answers are found
By looking in the wrong places
Don’t bother looking elsewhere
You won’t, and you won’t see

Time
What time?
Time is simply now
Stop pretending to balance records
Against something you have no
Knowledge of – and whoa –
Don’t go there and base your case
On what newfangled know-it-alls
Have declared to know all of
When philosophers, scientists, artists
So “primitive” to progress today
For thousands of years
Have said something else

Fate
What fate?
Fate is just a name, supposed
Substitution for careful planning
Good fate is luck, or universal balance
Bad fates just suck
Or maybe God has turned against us
But have you ever thought
We ought to have a better outlook
See past our petty sorrows
See tomorrow – we never do
Someone has a plan for this – and us
Maybe bad happens now
For the greater eternity that lies ahead
But you don’t see the big picture

Truth
What truth?
Truth is all there is
Without it we are lost and don’t accost
Ourselves to consider the price
We all pay for an individual’s fascism
So many disagree on the nitty-gritty
Details; itty-bitty issues of what is true
But do you not see past your fine long nose
You look down in disdain
At people just the same as you
And see as humanity – as one – we all agree
That God says to love one another
And hating is murder

God
What God?
God is a big guy in the sky
Laughing with glee when we skin our knee
And eagerly awaiting the day he can
Toss us all into the furnace
No. God is love. God of all people
Should know the art of mercy, compassion –
Forgiveness for us all, for whether we
Know it or reject it, we are all his
Children, and we all do the same things
None of us deserve his love; the entire race of man
Screwed up this beautiful world so much
That God died.

Every one of us is at fault
He not only forgave us, but he saved our very souls
If it’s too crazy to believe, I don’t blame you
Because I’ve been down that path
But let me ask – this act of ultimate love:
Where did it come from?
From he who IS love – the creator of love himself
How else do you think we know love?

Temple

Note: An entry on the books in more detail is coming soon. Until then, enjoy some flash fiction.

The lights were out and we could see only because our eyes had adjusted and the full moon beamed sleepily through the thin curtains. My eyes stung but my heart’s angry palpitations were slowly soothed by Temple’s soft humming as she ran her fingers through my hair. I felt sorry my tears had fallen down beside my head on her lap, but she didn’t seem to mind. Temple’s other hand held mine, stroking my palm with her thumb as I lay it on my shallowly breathing abdomen.

I took in a deep breath and it came in shakily. It felt good. Temple said nothing and I loved her all the better for it. For a moment I wanted to be silent as well, but in my mind thoughts screamed and scratched for release.

“Is it possible to be sure of myself?” I asked in a cracking tremor. “Am I destined to go through life, never quite certain of what I believe?” Temple’s humming had stopped, but I dared not look into her lovely melancholy face. I had yet to know what lay beyond. I was afraid to know, and perhaps she guessed it. Another tear escaped as I blinked. I yawned, breathing deeply again and feeling the emotional exhaustion pressing down on my heart. “Temple, who am I?”

When Temple finally answered, I could not detect emotion. “You are who you are on the outside, and who you are on the inside.” I almost asked her what she meant, except that after a moment’s pause she began again in her calm and calculated manner. “You are what you do – every little thing. And that is all influenced by what you think. You can think all you need to, but who you are is defined by what you end up doing. An ultimatum is an ultimatum. Once met and dealt with... there you are.”

I could not feel myself tremble any more, and finally dared to look up at Temple. I was met with a small smile that changed her whole face. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I felt more tears coming as in the glassy blue of her eyes I knew I had finally found a sister.

Books Read in 2009

So this is a first in a series of New Year posts I spontaneously decided to... um... plan. I shall first do a general re-cap of books, then perhaps a couple more entries specifically about the books and why I rated them what I did. Then, I want to do another entry or two about what I did in 2009 and what I want to do in 2010. This will probably end with the resolution to "blog more." ;-)

So, I am stealing Natalie's format and rating system this year:

5-I REALLY liked it!
4-Also very, very good
3-Good
2-Okay, but not necessarily worth the time
1-Wouldn't recommend it

Now, just because I rate something a 5, 4, or 3, doesn't mean I didn't like it. I just had to be positively addicted to the book for it to get a 5 and/or just keep singing its praises after I finish reading it; for it to get a 4 it still has to be a very excellent book I would most certainly recommend, and for it to get a 3 I would still recommend it, but I'm not jumping up and down excited about it, nor will I really find much to say about why you should read it, other than that it was definitely good. As for 2... it goes for books that were, in general, interesting enough, but I was eager to just get them over with and if anybody asked me if they should read it, I would say probably not, unless you're really interested in _____. As for 1: IT SUCKED. Hands down, don't read it. I'll tell you why, too, if you really want to know. Just don't read it. Please.

So, here we go. I read 21 more books than I did last year! Each year I am going to try and increase the number of books I read. Hopefully. *drinks to more reading* Mmm... Martinelli's.

January

1. How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor by Robert S. Mendelsohn - 5
2. The Mystery of Iniquity by Michael Rood - 1
3. Let me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot - 4

February

4. For Young Women Only by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn and Lisa Ann Rice - 3
5. For Young Men Only by Jeff Feldhahn - 3
6. For Women Only by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn - 3
7. Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis - 5

March

8. Everybody's Guide to Homeopathic Medicines by M.D. Stephen Cummings and Dana Ullman - 4
9. Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto - 5

April

10. Not Even a Hint by Joshua Harris - 3
11. Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens - 5
12. Persuasion by Jane Austen - 4
13. Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy - 3

May

14. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies "by Jane Austen" and some IDIOT - 1
15. A Year in Provence by Peter Mayle - 3
16. Writing Life Stories by Bill Roorbach - 4
17. Living the Cross Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney - 4

June

18. Across the River and Through the Trees by Ernest Hemingway - 4
19. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen - 4
20. Whatever Happened to Justice? By Richard Maybury - 5
21. Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose - 5

July

22. Every Young Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge - 3
23. The Sign of Four by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 3
24. The Complete Guide to Homeopathy by Andrew Lockie - 3
25. The Dependent Gene by David S. Moore - 4

August

26. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux - 5+++!!!!!!!!!
27. No Plot? No Problem! By Chris Baty - 3
28. House by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker - 2 (I hate to say it, but I just didn't like it that much!)
29. The Lost Virtue of Happiness by Klaus Issler and J. P. Moreland - 2

September

30. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 4
31. Kiss by Ted Dekker and Erin Heely - 4
32. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - 5
33. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield - 5
34. Keeping a Journal You Love by Sheila Bender - 3
35. Human by Robert Winston - 2

October

36. The Kingdom of Strange by Shula Klinger - 3
37. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen - 3
38. Story by Robert McKee - 5

November

39. "The Weight of Glory" and Other Addresses by C. S. Lewis - 4
40. "The Earthquake in Chile" and "The Marquise of O-" by Heinrich von Kleist - 3

December

41. Are You Liberal, Conservative, or Confused? By Richard Maybury - 5
42. A Long Fatal Love Chase by Louisa May Alcott - 4
43. College Without Highschool by Blake Boles - 4
44. When God Writes Your Life Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy - 3

Feel free to ask any questions about these books that you want! I will hopefully elaborate on them soon. :)

~Jessica

On Love

Written on a flight from Portland to Chicago as I wave a teary goodbye to a place so many heartstrings attached themselves to during my stay.

Love is not what makes one's heart pitter-patter at the sight of another. Love isn't the warm feeling one gets when one experiences that delicate touch of someone special. Love is not thinking and dreaming about another person constantly, causing one to be ever distracted. Love is not what it feels like to hug or kiss someone - or more. Love is not excitement; not a purely physical bond; not hormones pulsating through one's body or some urge below one's belt line.

So, then, what is love? I've listed so many things that love is not that everyone should have narrowed it down by now in their minds, right?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

As always, I shall disclaim everything I am saying (perhaps I should just put a general disclaimer up on my blog or wall... or perhaps I should stop worrying about how incompetent everyone must think I am): 19-year-olds probably know nothing about love. But I interrupt my disclaimer to ask: who does? And what qualifies a person as being all-knowing about love, anyway? If someone is 16 or 17 and has been in more relationships and/or had sex more than I have at 19 or 20 (actually, just insert into those spots any given ages; my point is still the same), does that make them more knowledgeable than me on the subject of love? That person may care to think so, and I'm not going to try and prove them wrong, but in my oh-so-humble opinion, I think it just might be the other way around.

Whether I know anything about relationships, love, etc., or not, here is what I think love is:

Love is when you can sit together in a room, keeping to yourselves, but being able to speak up at any time and have the other person nod, smile, chortle, or whatever. Love is when you wake up in the morning and you smell like crap, and they smell like crap, but you still sit down next to each other for breakfast and pretend like you can't smell anything... because your love goes way beyond how a person smells. Love is when you can't help passing gas in all manner of odd ways, but you aren't embarrassed. Love is doing things together - it's cleaning the kitchen, it's throwing a ball or a Frisbee, it's swimming laps, it's riding bikes, it's raking leaves, it's cooking dinner, it's making music. Love is not blaming somebody that the hot water ran out, even if it was obviously their fault. Love is coming to each other when a problem arises and working it out together. Love is encouraging one another to be better people and not just tolerating behavior that you know one day will be detrimental to them and to others. Love is serving one another in all senses of the word; love is selfless. Love doesn't do things for one person because they want a reward or some sort of acknowledgement for themselves - love does things for a person specifically to do things for the person. Love is not the bare minimum; love does all that is required, and then keeps on doing.

In Oregon, I came to realize how truly bad I am at loving. And, up until the time I said that last sentence, you may have thought I was talking about romantic love... and now you are pointing your fingers at the text and shouting nice things like "impostor!!" at me. But I was - the real romantic love is encompassed in unconditional love. The basis of all love is the unconditional, which we often forget.

Anyway, as I was saying *clears throat*... in Oregon, I came to realize how truly bad I am at loving. That sounds horrible, but it's true. Once out of my day-to-day life I tend to get caught up in, I was able to step back and reflect on my actions in general. After all, in preparation for my trip, I had gotten very slack in tolerance, communication, and servanthood, among other things. Are those things to be so conditional? I don't think so.

Oregon... my two steps forward and one step back. I jumped at the opportunity to improve upon my loving. And so much more than that occurred. I learned an incredible amount of things about loving, more than I ever thought I would in my whole life, especially what I would have assumed I would learn on the trip.

So, thank you, everyone and everything, in North Carolina and all that was in my new love, Oregon.

And you, my two dearest lands - North Carolina and Oregon - how I love thee! I believe I am to be torn between two lovers forever. Alas - 'tis a beautiful, bittersweet affair!

~Jessica

Marion

By Jessica

Memories hide themselves in the tar

Bumpy tar

Cracked tar

Easy for things to be forgotten

Each time I walked, 'twas a new street

Same bumps

Same cracks

New joy, new love, new pain

For only a fortnight have I known this pavement

Fast friends

How so?

Your hard soul is my solace

For every time we walked together, but I alone

Old friends

Just so

Ne'er again shall I take you for granted

Like the all-seeing eye of the four walls

See what is

Knowledge disguised

Then in solitude you sing

The lullaby mourns as your black arms hold me

Say what was

Knowledge unfurled

At last I can see who I am

Ode to an Ever-Closed Library in Seaside

Boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo.

Can you see my tears?

The lovely breeze and sun

Their battle they have won

But to sit and read and write and think

Such pleasures I have none.

Forlorn

I sit

Stranded on a sidewalk

'Tis useless reasons ye hath closed

To government you have brown-nosed

Mine feeble heart longs only for thee

But returned affection I only supposed.

Sigh.

Oh, Snap!

Since I don't exactly have a lot of time to sit down and write really long, drawn-out blog posts while I am here (or anywhere, for that matter), I am probably just going to blog as often as I can in little blurbs about life so far. This came about because my first official blurb was actually going to be a status on Facebook...but it was too long.

So, ladies and gentlemen:

OH SNAP

by Jessica

about Jessica

written in third person for the sake of dramatic emphasis...or whatever feeling you get from reading this piece

Jessica was walking along the shore, absorbing the presence of the ocean and feeling at one with the wind when suddenly she was hit with 3 waves, leaving her in water that was waist deep. In a struggle to walk out of the water before she got more wet, the grasping fingers of the ocean ripped her flip-flop off her foot. She grabbed for it, successful in this retrieval, until the process caused her other flip-flop to wiggle off and elope with the receding sea. In a vain, tragic effort, Jessica scoured the ocean in the twilight. Alas, her flip flop was gone for eternity and she was soaked to the bone with only a future as an ice sculpture to give her hope in life. Oh, and dinner. =)

Goodbye, Ordinary

"Live like there's no tomorrow, love extravagantly, lead a life to be followed...goodbye, ordinary!"

It's not as if I want to say goodbye to ordinary. I am content with ordinary. I love ordinary! But that's the thing, I guess. In a lot of ways I'd be perfectly content to stay with this life forever. To live in one house, eventually falling in love with a very wonderful person, getting married, moving into another house, and having very wonderful children. The theme of this blog should be "All I desire out of life is it's mediocre simplicities, but it's amazing how good I am at complicating things by thinking about them all the time." Well, let's not.

But something within me screams "Do something!!!" I often stare blankly at it and when my mind comes round I finally ask it what the heck it's talking about. Why would I need to do something?? I'm living my dream right here. Don't push discontentment on me! And what do you mean by "something" anyway?

And I am sure we all get that feeling. That there is more to life than what we've known so far. More than what is right in front of our faces. And for some of us, this is a call to explore the depths of life and the world, to discover all they possibly can as they strive to fully live; to meet their own expectations of whatever that means to them. Then there are people more like me, who usually shrug off any such longing, keep on enjoying everyday life, and treasure family vacations to the beach or mountains.

Note: people such as myself are perfectly sane. They are not selling themselves short, and they are not to be thought of any less than your average, more driven person, looked down upon, or felt sorry for. Thank you.

Note #2: Of course, these are the two extremes, and there are many people in the middle, as well as crazy people that take the extremes to extremes, but to keep the length down, I won't go into great detail of all the different personality-types in the world.

Back to the blog.

But sometimes I do feel like I am selling myself short. Not because my life here does not meet expectations of a good life, by any means. Like I said, I would be perfectly content just to live my altered-for-Christian-non-feminist-people-who-homeschool version of the American Dream till the day I die. But because there are so many opportunities I have laid eyes upon in my life that I think I would have liked to take. I tend to imagine vividly what doing these things would be like - from going to Indiana to study wolves, to Oxford to intensely study creative writing, to Nicaragua to backpack the gorgeous terrain.

I think, more than anyone I know (I could be wrong) I have wanted to do basically everything. I've wanted to be a circus acrobat, an equestrian, figure skater, prima ballerina, conductor, Broadway performer, Olympic swimmer, soccer player, hockey player, dog behaviorist, whale rider, personal trainer, psychologist, photographer....there's no need to go on. And every time I get one of these ideas in my head, I start imagining. I research it, and sometimes I even have started to make plans. But then it's all forgotten, usually for these two subconscious reasons:

1. I love this life, I am content, and what I really want is this normal-ness I've grown up around to be my normal-ness, if that makes sense.

2. If I am going to do anything career-ish with my life, I am going to write. Because, no matter how hard I might try, I can't stop writing.

So I drop it all, and go back to my normal life, reading, writing, being Jessica, and swimming as often as possible. Works for me!

Then, along came a spidey who sat down beside me. Its name was Novel Writing Camp-ish-thing in Oregon. 1 month. Write a novel. At the beach. In another state. At first, I was sold. But, figuring it would interfere with normal life I, again, shrugged it off and kept swimming (not a figure of speech or Finding Nemo quote; it was early July).

Later in July, I mentioned it to my dad in passing, and he encouraged me to actually go. After all, I want to write, right? And now, I am leaving tomorrow.

No, it does not seem real to me. All my life I have said, "yes, I am definitely going to do _______," and my brother would be happy to point out to you that I just DON'T. I never do. I always back out of it quietly, whatever it is. It's a wonder I ever took college classes, graduated from high school, joined a swim team, own a chinchilla, take piano lessons, do improv shows, or anything else that now is a part of my everyday life (that I love, have I mentioned??).

I don't want to love travelling so much that I lose sight of how I love normal life and never come home again, so I guess that is why I am writing this entry. Still, I think it's good for every young person to have that time where they go off for a bit into the world and do something new, if for no other reason than to see what it's like and be fully aware that "home is where the heart is", "there's no place like home", and other clichés that Delilah will probably tell you if you call in to request a song.

Anyway, here I go, off to write my book! I will attempt to blog at least a little while I am in Oregon, and hopefully post pictures on Facebook, too. If you are not on Facebook, you really should get one. You know who you are. After all, you don't become addicted/obsessed unless you let yourself, right?

I love you all!!

~Jessica

New Beginnings

Fall can be looked at in many different ways. Despite being very cold right now, I can easily look past that to the gorgeous colors outside my window, and the leaves whooshing around, decorating the ground with the essence of autumn. It may sound strange to see death in this light, but we all do it. The leaves are dying, true, but they smell so good and look so wonderful!

This time of the year just makes me think of beginnings for some reason. More so than spring, when everything really is coming to life. The air is so crisply fresh, the cool nights perfect for bonfires, and the time has come for cuddling up in warm sweaters, enjoying the great outdoors, or cozying up inside under a warm blanket with hot chocolate and a good book.

And this time, fall brings a real new beginning with it as well: I am leaving the comfort of the only home I've ever known....the only life I have ever known....to fly across the country for a month to write a novel under the inspiration of new experiences.

I have often wondered if I have a wandering soul. But, having never really wandered before, how am I supposed to know? But, the truth is, while I like traveling and going new places, I really like to stay in one place. While I appreciate extravagance, high adventure, new sights and sounds, etc., what I want for the rest of my earthly life is simplicity. Not simplicity as in uncomplicated or easy. But "A Simple Kind of Life" .... "Somewhere that's Green." A simple house, on a good amount of land somewhere not too far from civilization, but not too close either. Just me, my Someone, and as many kids as God blesses us with.

So, nobody fear - I'm going, but I won't be gone forever, and I certainly won't go away that often. :) I love my life and wherever it leads me, but most of all I love it here.

Just a few half awake thoughts on this lovely Monday morning.

~Jessica

Today I....

....am going to to a post about what I did today, because I would like to blog, and with blogging usually comes deep and philosophical thoughts in their own time. So, ladies and gentlemen, a Monday in the Life of Jessica:

Today I woke up. The sun was not shining. I feel like I have written those two sentences before, side-by-side. Hmm. This probably means that this is how I start every day....moving on....

I did yoga, worked out some, made tea, grabbed a leftover biscuit, and read one of my favorite Richard Maybury books, "Are You Liberal? Conservative? Or Confused?" It is a brilliant book, as Maybury is a brilliant man. You should read it. Enough said.

After this, I went into my room, finished Esther, started Job, read some in Isaiah and some in Matthew. This completed, I set to work plotting my story out more. Man, I have seriously never planned this much before for anything. But this book must come to fruition. Therefore, someone must write it. And writing anything good requires sufficient planning. So, I must plan like crazy. I love my logic.

I ate breakfast and read a chapter in "How Should We Then Live?", which is another excellent book (not by Richard Maybury, but by Francis A. Schaeffer) that you should read.

After this, I did the dishes, folded laundry, cleaned my room (funny how I actually have a floor, walls, and furniture now), and thought about what to make for dinner. I settled on a dish called something like "wild mushrooms running rampant through a creamy forest of chicken and noodles." Yum.

I then settled down to read ANOTHER great book called "Story" by Robert McKee. You should read it IF you are interested in any medium of storytelling. It will change your life forever and all of your stories will increase in greatness by at least a tenfold!! =D This caused me to do more story planning as well.

Eventually, I stopped this and started to work for my dad. I answered e-mails, etc. for a while.....during which, my parents went on a walk and my siblings decided to throw a techno dance party in the living room in their absence.....

After working for some time, I looked up chord sheets for piano, printed them out, and went into the kitchen to make my chosen meal, only to find out I had been bumped by my mother, who insisted that the pork chops must be cooked at that very moment or they would go bad; that they were for dinner and I would either have to prepare my dish later and not-for-dinner, or make it another day.

"Well," I thought to myself (in an 'aloud' kind of way), "gee, mom, this is your night out with your yoga class, and my only night in this week: we're going to grandma's house tomorrow night, Wednesday is Radical, Thursday is either improv or Kara is coming over, Friday's the fair, Saturday's the improv show..." and I began to wonder what person in their right mind would schedule so much to do! But that is off-topic. The point is, I was bumped from making dinner.

I made it anyway, after everything else was done and everyone else had eaten the pork chops. WOE IS ME!!!!! Well, I ate the mushroom-chicken-noodle thing, and I thought it was quite tasty, if I do say so myself. And chicken is so much better for you than pork. And mushrooms are just so awesome. So there.

Between getting bumped and making my meal, I practiced piano. Okay...well.....sort of. I started off all nice and dedicated-ish, playing Ben Folds' "The Luckiest" like I was supposed to, and then suddenly I wanted to work on a composition I have been thinking about for a while. So that was my piano practice, until I got up for a moment and a certain dad and littlest brother turned on the TV (to watch while they eat their pork chops).

I cleaned up, read some more in "Story," attempted to upload pictures to Facebook (failing presently; must have something to do with blogging). And here I am now.

Well! That was most fascinating, I am sure. I even threw in some drama and self-pity to make it interesting.

Reflections on today:

1. What I have learned: It is very easy to be productive if you set your mind to it. It is also very easy to get distracted and forget to set your mind to something.

2. Best thing about today: Getting 1,000 brainstorms for my story.

3. Worst thing about today: Ummm....probably that I am staying up late right now and I will be very tired/groggy/falling-asleep-on-my-book-ish tomorrow.

4. If I could change one thing about today: I would go to bed. Now.

Fine. That settles it. I think I shall do more of these, though. At least so I can remember what life was like before it got hectic for the next 2 months...then I can get back to this life in January, right? Wouldn't trade it for the world...

~Jessica

Cruise Control

So, I wonder what is up with me now. I've noticed that this past week or so, I have been in a mood. Or, is it a mood? It is, in all probability, normality: I am set on cruise. Can't stop to pick up extra passengers right now, or to get extra food from the next MacDonald's. Gotta keep trucking down the interstate, towards that destination somewhere at the end of December. That's when I can pull over, get a motel for a little bit, examine my maps and tour books, and make some calls to catch up and get advice from family and friends. From there, I can decide my next course of action.

When in cruise, I can't speed up, either. The limit is a steady 65 mph. Slowing down isn't timely, but, also, if I speed up I miss enjoying the incredibly scenic trip.

I can't know where I am by gazing too far into the distance to try and make it out; I need to just concentrate on what is around me and what I can see. Plus, if I don't follow this, I might find myself lost further up the road, perhaps even without a memory of where I had been before; and where I made the wrong turn.

So that is what I need to be doing. Why, then, do I sit here, blinking and wondering, "What am I supposed to be working for again?"

On the day before a piano lesson, I practice like crazy, all the while swearing I will remember to practice way more next week. I get caught up on work, and then let it sit there while I pretend it doesn't exist...then I get stressed out with having to catch up again, and promise myself I will STAY caught up this time. And I never seem to remember to do everything I'm supposed to, no matter what it is. Because at any given time, all I see is ME and MY thoughts. Or me and my "free time."

I can just see this happening in Oregon. I'll get there, having only planned half of what I should have before I arrived...left...whatever. And I will, without a doubt, seriously hate myself for this. I won't finish my book by the time I am supposed to. And I will not feel like writing some days, so I won't write, though I am supposed to keep going.

I feel like I will always be concentrating on the wrong thing.

Should I just abandon this attempt to concentrate altogether? But, if I do, how am I supposed to get anything done???

Obviously, I have barely ever accomplished anything before, anyway (I know this sounds terrible, but this is a low-self-esteem moment, okay? Okay!). What would "not concentrating" do differently?

*Breathe in* *breathe out*

No. All I need to do is try a different angle on focusing.

Hmmm....I shall be all official and call this "Optimistic Concentration." I'm not sure what it is, but it sounds pretty nifty, doesn't it? It's....it is....the....the opposite of "Obligatory Concentration" (which I also just made up). Yeah, that's it. I don't HAVE to concentrate...I simply want to. I can stop concentrating at any time I please, and go eat ice cream and stare at the stars. And while that sounds lovely, it would not really be beneficial to any great degree. All of my blog entries would be about how dairy relates to astrology....like, take the Milky Way for example...

Yes, this is what I shall do. Optimistic Concentration. So there.

Goodnight all!

~Jessica

Seaside Thoughts

~~~~~~~

It's out last full day at the beach. I am sunburned, sand burned, wind burned...in other words, red all over. Putting on sunscreen is not a hobby of mine, but apparently it will be at the beach in the future. My neck is stiff from fighting the rough waves. I am quite full and fat-feeling. My hair is a tousled, matted mess. I'm losing sleep staying up reading good books. I'm scraped up from landing on the slanted shore full of shells. Almost as many shells as the time after hurricane Isabella...the time I was in Mrs. H--'s writing class and people asked what had happened to my scabbed chin.

In some ways, I miss that class, and regret dropping out. But at the same time, I remember the seeming misery it was. Too much structure. When things got creative...even then it wasn't good enough. I was Anne and she was Rachel Lynde, or worse. No imagination.

Despite all the beach-ish pain, I feel perfectly content. This is the way it's meant to be. This is the beach.

We can't quite figure out what is going on in one of the units. There are yellow smiley-face balloons tied everywhere on the deck of this group of units, with signs pointing to "Rehab Party" in the unit decorated with several smiley face balloons and blinking orange Christmas lights. Rehab party?? We are a little concerned as to what that is supposed to mean. So far, the people seem pretty sane. They haven't even been loud or obnoxious, so it must be safe. Still...

Mom found this incredibly amazing website: http://www.amblesideonline.org ...books!! Charlotte Mason curriculum book suggestions for K-12. Everything I've worried about, I shan't any longer. I know what books to look for now for my own kids, to have in my own library for their freestyle educational benefit. I am so excited, I've nearly abandoned my beach reading in pursuit of making a carry-with-me-all-the-time shopping list. I'll arrange it by subject, then author, once I am done.

I've been thinking about life, money, dreams, etc. I guess I do that a lot. But, really, I haven't given that much thought to what I am going to do come January. But all of a sudden I've started to worry. Again. Here I go with the worry again. Not excessive. Not overwhelming. Just making me want to make plans again. Thinking about things like interior design and personal training.

But why do I need to do this? What about writing? Isn't that what this November's trip is all about, isn't it?

God has a dream for me. What is it? In some ways, I know what it is. Perhaps the best option is to trust him in the uncertainty of having a book or books published. Haven't I said a million times that God wants me to go with my original passion - writing? Yes. That, and to stop trying to find easier ways, more certain ways, to "do something with my life." If he wants me to write for a living, he will bless me when I pursue this. And if it's not, or writing and motherhood are not the only paths he wishes me to pursue, he will show me. I won't be sitting here guessing. Yet, I still get emotional...

Low tide. My tears blur at the horizon. A giant wave is coming. Closer, closer, closer...I blink. It's gone. I taste droplets from the ocean as they slide down my cheek. So...in a way, the ocean and I are one. Waves are moody. Some days slow and calm; others, fast, churning, towering. Beyond the horizon is a world to explore - a world I shall surely never see. The clouds, like always, stand tall like the distant castles of Great Britain. But I keep crashing in and sucking out, never venturing past what I know; beyond myself and my own territory.

The ocean and I are cowards in life. And, in being cowards, we destroy what is beautiful among us. Yet people are still drawn to us - still love us. Somehow it doesn't matter what we do to them: they stand by our side and will attest their love for us every breathing day. And, in the end, we love them for it and want to give them what they gave us back, though maybe in a different form.

The ocean and I know our depths. Know what we can and can't do. But sometimes we just do our own thing, when we should be doing things that benefit others.

The ocean and I are conflicted, confused. God gives us a path in life to follow. Yet, sometimes, we stray against his will. In the end, though, he works it out for good. And we strive harder to hear. But we oftentimes we can't, because we are rarely still.

The ocean and I are kin. No wonder I love it so much. We always love what we see ourselves in, in one way, or another. Even if it's our unabashed, selfish, awful selves...somehow we become endeared to whatever it is. We can't help narcissism. I think, in small amounts, it is a God thing. Adam was meant to be attracted to another human, and not a monkey.

~~~~~~~

I wrote that earlier today on the beach in my journal. Why is it so hard to admit to flaws? Is it because our pride causes us to look down on other people with those flaws? That is the other side of the equation - we see a flaw we have in another person. But sometimes it takes on a slightly different form, and we detest that flaw. But, really, are we only hating someone else to avoid hating ourselves?

I'll just go ahead and admit this now, because I feel the need to: I'm a selfish, vain, idiotic person, among other things. I have a million character flaws I can't even count on all my fingers and toes. I'm not going to lie. I am not perfect. I'm sure you already knew that, because nobody is perfect. And I'm not being down on myself. Just honest. The bright side - I'm striving every day to be better. To listen to God's voice. To be a servant in my home. To be a blessing with whomever I come in contact with.

Almost all the time I am insanely jealous of people who do this naturally. Who don't have to think consciously about being good - it just comes to them. Why is that? How can I acquire that nature? Will I ever acquire it, or will I always have to think about being good? Will it never come naturally?

There's only one way to find out.

~Jessica

Tuesday. This is Tuesday. Not Thursday.

A new semester begins, and, as I've always said, as long as there is God and coffee, life is good!

Well, I've always wanted to say that, anyway.

Now, here is the part where I hit the fast-forward button so you all don't have to read through any incessant whinings and grumblings about not getting any respect about not going to college: pffffffftttttttttyyyyyyyyyyssssssssllllllllllllllllllllltheyjustdon'tunderstandjjjjjjjjjjjrrrrrrrllllllllccccccciIamreallydoingthingsdfdjjjjjjjjjjjjjttttttttdddddddddddslslsllslslsllllllliiiuuuuuuandtheycanjustgetoveritkjkjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmaybeIshouldjustgetoverthemtttttttllllllwwwwwwhhhhchangemymentalityvvvvvmmmmmqqqqoooooppppptttttttttbetterpersonjjjjjjjttttttlllllllllnkkkkkknotdoinganythingdifferentkklllleeeooootppppppccvccccdddddddddddohgoodgrief.

Now, with that behind me, I would like to say I am going to start blogging more. For real this time. For real real this time. For REAL real reall this time!!!

Look, I'll start right this moment (Jessica, you are already blogging) (shh, be quiet, I'm blogging!!):

This bright, sunny, beautiful morning, I rose out of bed with a shout of glee, for life is beautiful, just like the sunshine. However, when I really woke up, it was dark still. The Beatles CD that has been sitting in my CD player/clock alarm for the past two weeks woke me up AGAIN, reminding me I had stayed up too late AGAIN. I fell back asleep for 20 minutes, woke up on my own accord and remembered that I wanted to be awake. To read and drink coffee.

Thrown out of bed by this delicious prospect (which never ceases to be the best thing EVER to do upon first waking up), I dashed to the coffee maker, ground my favorite dark French roast from Trader Joe's, turned the pot on, and went back into my room for Kiss and my fuzzy blanket. The coffee brewed, I poured myself a cup, and snuggled up with my doggie to read. I am trying to read this book slower than I really want to, because I don't want to start a new book until Thursday when we leave for the beach. Soooooo I have to stop being obsessed with what happens next. Wow, the first time in my life I want to be slow at reading. Weirdness.

I worked out some, ate breakfast, and made up my mind to blog. Which is what I am doing now.

Somehow I had gotten into my head that all of my blog entries must contain deep philosophy, theology, or something else of that nature, so I guess that, along with not having a ton of time...

If my mother gets hit by a car going 55 mph because she is standing in the middle of the road talking to somebody who was driving by, then I am going to be very angry at her for doing something she would have told me not to. Humph.

....caused me to not write much at all. And still, this entry does not seem complete without philosophy. So! I will make a little list of philosophical musings (aka plaguing questions and chin-stroking thoughts) on my mind recently, and maybe I'll pick one to elaborate on in a later entry:

1. Why do people think they have the right to give anybody and everybody advice? Especially if they barely know that person...and they don't know they whole story? I meet new people all the time who ask me what I am doing with my life. I begin to tell them, and then the immediately solicit advice that I never asked for and don't want to hear. I don't care if I'm having a bad attitude.....okay, fine.

Better attitude thoughts:

2. God opens doors only at the moments when they are supposed to be opened. Not a moment before. There's no need for them just to stand open. But if I come to a door and it's closed, I just need to keep moving down the corridor of life till I come to another open one, right?

3. God puts us through pain to draw us closer to him and make us more fit for heaven. Bad things happen so he can mold us for the betterment of ourselves for this world and the next. It's all in his plans. God can stop Satan, but sometimes he sees that if he lets Satan have his way, God can use it for much better good than if God never let it happen.

4. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He doesn't do this for no reason, and he doesn't do it cruelly. He doesn't give us a glimpse or a teaser at something wonderful and then snatch it out from under our noses. That is what I thought this verse meant for a long, long time. But that isn't what it means at all. There is a time for everything. There was a time, almost 4 years, in fact, where God let me swim. I swam three days a week, and I swam meets. I won races. I had a wonderful time, found a hobby I love, stayed in shape, made some of the greatest friends in the universe, developed a good competitive spirit, discovered an interest in health and fitness, figured out my siblings and I have a magical genetic bent towards swimming (thus getting my entire family involved on the team), among other things. Most importantly, the whole experience made me grow closer to God. Had I never joined swim team, I might be in an awful place now, because even at 15 I was heading down a rotten banana peel path full of rebellion and hatred.

But, like I said, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I'm officially aged out of competition now. I'm too busy to attend more than one practice a week. I won't get to see my friends as often. I'll get slow. I will pray I don't get fat (even though I continue to work out at home, I need that swimming cardio). But now is not the time in my life to swim several days a week and compete. That time has passed. And, while it makes me sad, God has other plans for me now, and that is comforting.

Do not worry, dear readers (if you're still out there after a very long break). I will soon get back into my this-is-what-happened-today-and-this-is-what-I've-been-thinking-lately blogging mode. It will take practice and perseverence, but it shall come about. After all, if I can't do it now, you'll never hear how Oregon goes.

So long (hopefully not very long)!

~Jessica

Still caught in between 10 and 20

As this is my last evening being 18, I thought it fitting to do a little "last post before I turn 19" post.

I have already recently done a reflective entry, so I am not sure what I am going to write about. I guess I will get out my 18-ish thoughts of the moment to make room for the more mature, 19-ish thoughts of the future! Here goes nothing:

I feel like I want to go to the beach....right now!! I long for our family beach trip each year, with the intense craving starting about...April, maybe even March, depending on the weather. It's the best time of the year, way better than Christmas. There is just nothing like being at the beach...it is the most blissful experience in the world. I can't describe it.

I am having a cuticle issue with my left ring finger. It hurts...it's too pushed back or something. I don't know what happened. I noticed it yesterday. On that note, I have been getting very dry hands at night lately, and I don't know why that is either. It seems as though there is always some little, strange thing wrong with me. Oh, well!

I *am* still caught between 10 and 20, though I don't like to use the word "caught", because this is a great time of my life...nothing negative about it. Still trying to clean out those teenagery cobwebs of bad attitudes, quick tempers, selfishness, hedonism, rebellion, not sleeping when I should, and sleeping when I shouldn't. I have one more year to improve greatly, right? Yes! And that is not one more year to continue in my bad habits and magically repent once I turn *gulp* 20. Hey, 19! There is work to be done around here.

Really, there is. I have this urge to organize everything in and out of sight. Unfortunately, it is a lot easier to organize things in plain view. And it is a lot easier to organize the things that are in plain view...if you don't get distracted doing a million other things. Or discouraged that this darned bedroom is too cluttered. I know I am mixing my tenses and persons but I don't care; it's late and I have only an hour and 35 minutes to be young and careless, right? Right.

Everything seems so crazy and cluttered. And I sound depressed. Maybe I am. No, I am not.

I guess I have been a little more down lately than I usually am. I don't know what the deal with myself is. It's not that I pride myself in optimism so much that I just enjoy the lifestyle, you know? And I'm not a pessimist all of a sudden...it's more like I am an apatheticist. I don't know if that is really the term or even a word, but it sounds really, really cool, doesn't it? Like being apathetic is actually really official and something worth doing!

I think that things over the summer became over scheduled, and I have overall lost track of who I am, what I am supposed to be doing, and what everything is all for. And now that I think about it...um...knowing things like that is kind of vital. Well, this certainly helps things along.

Like Rebecca said in her comment a few entries ago...I need to put God first. And while I have certainly begun giving him a little more of a place in my life, I still have my priorities all mixed up. Like I am going downhill in life and can't stop to consider what I am doing, and then get re-started at a much slower pace. Do you see what I am saying?

Schedule, schedule, schedule. Schedules never work out the way I plan them. I don't even know if they are a good way of getting things done. I just like to have everything I need to do layed out before me on a piece of paper, with times to do everything. But I forget that, throughout the day, I encounter at least four other people, two dogs, a chinchilla, weather, lack of sleep, and spontaneous urges to do other things than what are on the List of Things to Do.

So I start looking at each day as a "at least I got ANYTHING done!" day. But that isn't looking on the bright side; that is settling for underachievement. But...ugh, ugh, ugh!! I don't want to be one of those busybody, schedule-making, self-focused, weird people. I just want to live my life, you know? Just have a freestyle sort of schedule. But if I DID, then I would be playing the piano all day!! In other words, nothing would get done, I feel.

I just need to place this all in God's hands...NOW. Where did those 'rosy days' of March, April, and May go?

But seriously, guys...I am NOT really depressed. Tired, yes. Depressed, no.

Let's take the five steps to being happy:

1. Drink caffeine

2. Watch a really romantic movie or a really inspiring sports movie

3. Go driving really fast while listening to awesome music

4. Go swimming

5. Hang out and act crazy with friends

Since this list of five steps is absolutely ridiculous and simply STUPID (in regards to getting high off of natural drugs), I will go ahead and make a new one:

1. Pray and read the Bible every day

2. Put others first, having a servant's heart

3. Stay healthy

4. Love and fellowship

5. Know that everything is in God's hands

And these five things are what I throw out the window when I wake up in the morning. I roll out of bed and forget everything I need to thrive on. The first list seems to be more of what is on my mind throughout the day. I wake up and want coffee and to read a good book. The rest of the day I would rather spend doing fun things, like music or whatever. Then I want to go off and socialize for about three days straight. I spend some time getting a little done that I need to, just so I don't feel guilty about going off to some other fun outing the next moment. This is not how I need to be living my life. What am I afraid of, quiet? Letting go of my selfish desires?

In the first list I am striving and straining for one thing - to get high on life. But in the second list...oh, I can just feel the peacefulness, order, and fullness radiating off of the words! I am READY, Lord!! Let me continue in my sanctification that I seem to have abandoned. Take my life into your hands. Let me live every day for you and for others and not for myself.

It is now half an hour till I am 19. I think I will just sleep through 12:05 am, thank you.

~Jessica

Morals and Ideals

DISCLAIMER – I know it’s not that late, but I am pretty much brain-dead. If nothing makes sense and/or I don’t stick to what the thesis probably should have been, that is why.

Everyone has their own personal morals that are based, more or less, on their personal worldview. Worldview, I am sure we all know, is developed by what a person is exposed to in life and how they react to it. The oh-so-valid source of Wikipedia states, “[Worldview] refers to the framework of ideas and beliefs through which an individual interprets the world and interacts with it,” and “describes a consistent (to a varying degree) and integral sense of existence and provides a framework for generating, sustaining, and applying knowledge.”

That said, it is to be expected that everyone’s morals are going to differ at least a little from everyone else’s. And, to an extent, I believe that each person’s morals are probably good for that person. I do not feel like that should include sexual immorality or homosexuality, but those are my morals, right? Here we go stepping into that multiple truths thing again, which needn’t be explained again or further.

But, now, I wonder...are some or all of my own morals actual morals, or are they ideals? Would some change depending on the situation?

I wrote an entry about a year and a half ago with similar questions in mind: http://jblog08.blogspot.com/2008/03/compromise-or-contingent.html. And here they pop up again, all out of the blue. I believe it is nice to know that I am not the only me who has struggled with it...I mean, I am glad to know I have struggled with it before. Now, that may sound a little strange, or perhaps even a lot. But the thing is, I had completely forgotten about having ever gone through this before. So to know that it is a weak area that I have worked through before gives me hope that it can be worked through again, hopefully more efficiently (so it does not happen again-again). Also, going back and reading that is already helping me dig deeper into this whole thing.

Like I was saying, morals or ideals?

Ideals are not set in stone, morals probably are. But what do I base morals off of? Ideals!

What morals and all other forms of conduct should be based off of is what the Holy Spirit tells you to do. We are not under the law anymore, so if you are a follower of Christ, you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit then tells us what is right and wrong for us, if we truly seek God, right? So...that is one of the reasons why I say that everyone’s morals are a little different. As far as Christians go, anyway.

But ideals are put in place by me, for myself. But, I have to wonder, are my ideals based on morals? As in, are they good ideals that should be upheld?

Take the concept of saving the first kiss for marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “thou shalt not kisseth thine wife before thou hast taken her as so.” Saving the kiss is a personal choice. Is it a biblical moral? No; it’s not based off of the Bible. Is it a personal moral? I guess that is what you would call it.

But is it an ideal; something possible only in certain situations?

I know some of you are saying yes, and some no. Maybe some of you are momentarily confused like me.

There comes at least one time in every person’s life where they must logically talk themselves out of something they desire greatly. I guess, anyway, what do I know? I’m not even 19 yet.

All I mean to say, in short, is that I am extremely disappointed in myself, because obviously I can talk the talk until I am told I might be required to walk the walk. And I am scared, frankly. I can justify myself with all of this ideals and morals business, but at the end of the day it all comes down to this: what is right and what I long for are two completely different things.

There are only two options – either justify what I long for as being right and just go ahead and do it, or long for something right instead. And you know the latter is what I should do. The decision is so hard; my heart feels ripped in two because of the opposing directions it wants to take.

I just feel so awful right now. Please forgive me for being so hard on myself at this moment, but I really must. All these years I’ve held these ideals and morals. I don’t care how pointless or illogical they are – they are mine and I’ve basically sworn to stand by them, not wishing to make any more mistakes than necessary, especially since I made so many early on. And now, here is God saying “Jessica, have a go at this situation...put your restraint to good practice. I know you can do this!” And here I am saying “Wow, God! This is amazing!! You mean I’m supposed to resist? That’s crazy talk, this is too good to be true!”

I know somewhere or another in the Bible it says that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. So I know I can get through this, I just know it, right? Yes, yes, yes. Will do, Cap’n. Aye, sir!

But it is and will continue to be so easy to give in. Just like it is so easy to jerk the steering wheel a bit to the left on a two-lane road into oncoming traffic. I could do it any time, on purpose, if I impulsively felt like it. And at any second, I could give in to an overwhelming temptation to forgo all my morals and head straight into something else.

I know that if I uphold my morals AND my moralistic ideals, God will bless me in one way or another. I’m not looking for God’s blessing, though; I just know that it will happen. If I don’t uphold my honor...I know the consequences, suffice to say. I often want to ignore the consequences, but I can’t for very long. Especially if they start happening to me.

However, I would like to end on a happy note, so I will make some general comments about life these days other than trying to think straight:

I was recently accepted to a novel writing camp/retreat/intensive thing! I will be leaving all ye North Carolinians behind and going to Oregon for a month to sit in a beach cottage and write a book. It will be in November, so “beach cottage” does not necessarily mean “lovely warm days strolling the beach and feeling the wind in my hair.” It is very unfortunate. However, it’s still the beach...“so much scope for the imagination.” So, yes, I will come back with pages and pages of unrefined bookness and hopefully only a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome. Wish me luck (and pray for me not to miss my planes!!!!!!!)

My swim team went undefeated its second summer in a row! Counting our last four meets that we won 3 summers ago, we are now 16-0. I didn’t think it could get any better than one undefeated season. And it was my last year on the team, too! I don’t like getting old. But at least it was a good season to get old. :)

I read The Phantom of the Opera! Now, that isn’t exactly wowie-zowie news, but I am really excited because it is now my new favorite book. I don’t have favorite books that often...those kinds of books I have to love aaaaaaaalllllllllll the way through and must crave to read them morning to night and while I am asleep...and I must hate when the end comes much too soon. This book met all the criteria of a favorite book. And now I really, REALLY want to go live out my Phantom of the Opera fantasies even more than I already did ever since I saw it for the first time when I was 12. You all know I’ve always wanted to live in Raleigh Memorial Auditorium....

That said, I am going to bed! Goodnight!

~Jessica