a song a hundred miles long

Life Without College

2010-04-01T09:56:00.003-04:00

Well, folks, I don't know whether this is the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, or simply a redirection of focus for the time being. I have been contemplating starting a new blog for a while now, about my "life and adventures" of being an autodidact and not choosing the traditional college path. I was considering for a while simply changing this blog up to suit that purpose, but in the end I made the official decision to start a brand-new blog.

It is with great excitement that I announce my new blog: Life Without College. So far I have two entries and more feedback that I could have hoped for in the span of 5 days, and I am very excited to see where this new pursuit will go.

The blog that you are looking at right now will still be up and running, perhaps at the pace it already was; I fully intend on writing the book reviews I promised. So this blog will probably primarily be used for book reviews, poetry, and other similar non-related topics to Life Without College.

So, check out my new blog, enjoy, and be sure to tell your friends!

Yours Truly,
~Jessica

Only When

2010-03-14T08:57:00.002-04:00

A poem by Jessica

If love was only a dream
Sunset never sought
December without moonlight
And children who forgot their names
Who gather in spots of rainbow
To show the swirls of prism...

If only a story was just so
And I found ginger in your soul
Sweet crystals in my hair
Only send you to find
Another mind to strip of all
The petty lullabies...

And the second we await
The mountains of clouds
Which dance in the sky
When you breathe and send
The fine rumble of footsteps
Carefully chosen, though never known...

Just wait until your muscles
Start to burn and you'll
See when life transcends the
Rest of the world
And thorns hold the sweetest melodies.

Pictures from November 2009 Oregon Trip

2010-02-26T14:36:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone, guess what? I finally put my pictures from Oregon on Picasa, so everyone who doesn't have a Facebook can now see them!! Huzzah.

Here is the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/jessicacbarker90/OregonNaNoWriMo#

Enjoy!

A Morning in the Finch Household

2010-02-19T21:58:00.001-05:00

You may or may not be familiar with my dear Finch family. Whatever your case, I highly recommend brushing up on your knowledge of them before reading on: http://jblog08.blogspot.com/2009/03/finch-family.html

I shall begin this next segment with the second-to-last paragraph of the first segment. So, don't be confused.

The Finch family lived in a modest home right in the very middle of Fanghorn Avenue. The downstairs consisted of a parlor, kitchen, dining room, powder room, and a small cupboard for the placement of articles of warmth from the cold in the winter, which was located in the passage. Upstairs (the steps leading to and from which were located next-door to the aforementioned cupboard), were four bedrooms. One for Mr. and Mrs. Finch, one for Greta and Evelyn, one for Edward and Victor, and one for guests when guests came, but otherwise for collection overflow on behalf of Mr. Finch, Mrs. Finch, Greta, and Evelyn (all of whom would have rather kept all of each collection in his or her room, but ran out). Edward and Victor, wanting to share in the equal subdivision of the spare room, collected odds and ends precisely for the purpose of storing when no guests were around. Edward heartlessly collected many ounces of dust lying around the house (causing Mrs. Finch to keep her sanity in check in the most mundane respects of furniture dusting), and Victor had the clever idea of cutting out encyclopedia articles which he thought he might read in the future when he got around to it, (of course, Mr. Finch was not of the knowledge of this defacement) and putting them in spare jars which Evelyn discarded when any particular culture grew too big for it. This resulted in Victor not wanting to actually read the articles because to pull them back out again would render the entire time reading a time spent smelling nothing short of the most awful stench in the world, which was impossible to wash out of the jars. There was also a bathroom up stairs which everyone shared, though everyone complained considerably of everyone else taking much too long in the bathroom doing various and sundry preparations and primpings which were necessary to the party concerned with doing preparations and primpings, but were absolutely ridiculous to all who were affected by not being able to use the bathroom at the time they wished to.

It was on one such a morning that Greta was taking an especially lengthy time in the bathroom, because she felt she must brush her hair out as long as possible in order for it to be as long and silky as possible. The day before, her friend at school had let her borrow a very expensive hairbrush, telling her that the only way for her hair to be perfect was to brush it consistently for at least an hour. The three other siblings were outside the door as well. Edward was wrestling with Evelyn, asking her why and for what absurd reason she should think that girls need to be first.

“Why, they take longer to get ready, of course! Boys can do it in five minutes flat,” she reasoned, stamping her foot in front of her to hold her place in line. She pulled the rest of herself up in front of Edward.

Edward glared. “But that is the whole point! Why can’t we just get ready first, since we take such a short amount of time, and then you girls can take your sweet time afterwards, minus the banging and nagging.”

“Because,” Evelyn stuck her nose in the air, “when you go first, you DON’T take five minutes...you take hours!!”

Victor piped up, “Why, Evelyn, we are only showing you what it feels like to wait. If you didn’t take so long, this demonstration would certainly not be necessary.”

Evelyn was shoved back by Edward, and then shoved back farther still by Victor, so that she was at the back of the line. She scoffed. “You boys are just wasting time in there??”

Victor shrugged. “I usually read; quite often one of my Guinness Book of World Records or something of the sort.”

Edward added, “One time I opened the window, climbed down the side of the house, went for a relaxing swim, played in the mud, and then I climbed back up and took a real, well-deserved, lengthy bath because this time I was really messy. I should do that more often...”

Evelyn’s jaw dropped. “You...!” she squeaked presently. “I’m telling mum on you!”

“I had to clean the floor, of course, too,” Edward continued. “That was a bit of a downer; anti-climactic and whatnot. But other than that, it was quite fun. And when I came out, you and Greta had fallen asleep in front of the door with your towels as pillows!”

Evelyn’s eyes widened at the memory, and she quickly dropped to the floor, crawling between her brothers’ legs to get to the front of the line. Victor cried, “No!!” and crawled likewise to the front. Edward, appalled at being pushed to the back so quickly, tried to repeat the action. Though he ended up toppling his brother and sister over, rather than making a clean sweep of things, he resumed his spot as first in line.

“I don’t want to be after you if you are going swimming again!” Victor pouted.

“Well, I don’t want to be after YOU if you are going to read a giant book full of nonsense!” Edward shot back. “I mean, you do it anyway, but it is an unacceptable bathroom behavior.”

“My hair takes longer to dry than either of yours!” Evelyn continued to protest from the back of the line. “I simply must go first, or I shan’t survive the day.”

Edward rolled his eyes. “What has hair-drying go to do with anything?”

“A lot.”

“What, then?”

Evelyn wasn’t sure, but it was certainly a lot.

Edward and Victor were laughing so hard at Evelyn’s failure to come up with a good argument that they did not hear or see Mrs. Finch ascending the staircase. She only wore her hats in company or out in public, and without them she actually resembled a normal human being. She glided over to stand, looking down upon her children (except for Edward, who was a little taller than she was).

Mrs. Finch did not demand to know what the trouble was. Instead, she said: “Your distant cousin Robby Arbuckle is coming to see us, and stay in the spare room.”

Upon hearing this, the three children froze, and even Greta (who always listened in with great ears for doing so, but never acted like she heard anything) poked her half-brushed head out of the restroom. “What??” The four demanded in unison.

Kind of Like Blogging!

2010-02-11T09:44:00.003-05:00

So I got this little page-thing on this website-place. It's called Form Spring. I don't know why. But it's an interesting little cubbyhole where people can ask each other questions, and then answer them. I'm seeing it now as some sort of blogging, but a little easier to handle, because they are little blurbs. I might combine some into a blog entry later or let them inspire me into one.

It's an interesting little hub. Check it out: http://www.formspring.me/jessclaire08

And do not worry, people - I have not forgotten about writing about the books I read last year!!! Okay, I have forgotten once or twice, but every time I sit down to write another blog entry, I DO remember. Feel free to spam me with reminders. I will get to it sooooon!!!

~Jessica

To Know

2010-01-16T19:23:00.004-05:00

Thanks to my buddy Forrest, in November I acquired an interest in slam poetry. Stemming from hip-hop music, slam poetry is recited in a rhythm mimicking rapping with memorized hand gestures, and most often has an important message to deliver or shows a perspective not normally seen. It is a very fascinating art form and I highly recommend watching some videos on YouTube. It blew my mind.

Last night I sat down to write what I was intending to be lyrics for a song on piano I am in the middle of; but when I began to write something else came out. For a few months now I have been mulling – more than usual – over many, many questions about truth, right and wrong, life, God, eternity, etc. And I really had gotten in a state where I was so confused I was avoiding thinking at all; I felt like there were so many perspectives justifying themselves in my brain that it was impossible to be sure of anything anymore. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but I am sure you can imagine how miserable it is. When one doesn’t know exactly what one thinks, one loses touch with one’s identity and starts to feel like a spirit flitting from one body to the next but never having one’s own feet touch the ground.

This poem, such as it is, finally helped me figure out what I believe. Uncertainty has left me and I can walk self-assuredly on my own two feet again. Most importantly, I feel filled with “the peace that passes understanding.” I feel not only like a giant burden has been lifted, but that I now have wings.

The form/rhyming/etc. could always use improvement, so anybody is welcome to make suggestions of any kind. This does not have to be the final product.

So, without further ado...

To Know

Logic
What logic?
Logic is only a game
Think your perception is better, clearer
But rationalization is the key
Fake reason isn’t the answer
When used so high and mightily
Wrong answers are found
By looking in the wrong places
Don’t bother looking elsewhere
You won’t, and you won’t see

Time
What time?
Time is simply now
Stop pretending to balance records
Against something you have no
Knowledge of – and whoa –
Don’t go there and base your case
On what newfangled know-it-alls
Have declared to know all of
When philosophers, scientists, artists
So “primitive” to progress today
For thousands of years
Have said something else

Fate
What fate?
Fate is just a name, supposed
Substitution for careful planning
Good fate is luck, or universal balance
Bad fates just suck
Or maybe God has turned against us
But have you ever thought
We ought to have a better outlook
See past our petty sorrows
See tomorrow – we never do
Someone has a plan for this – and us
Maybe bad happens now
For the greater eternity that lies ahead
But you don’t see the big picture

Truth
What truth?
Truth is all there is
Without it we are lost and don’t accost
Ourselves to consider the price
We all pay for an individual’s fascism
So many disagree on the nitty-gritty
Details; itty-bitty issues of what is true
But do you not see past your fine long nose
You look down in disdain
At people just the same as you
And see as humanity – as one – we all agree
That God says to love one another
And hating is murder

God
What God?
God is a big guy in the sky
Laughing with glee when we skin our knee
And eagerly awaiting the day he can
Toss us all into the furnace
No. God is love. God of all people
Should know the art of mercy, compassion –
Forgiveness for us all, for whether we
Know it or reject it, we are all his
Children, and we all do the same things
None of us deserve his love; the entire race of man
Screwed up this beautiful world so much
That God died.

Every one of us is at fault
He not only forgave us, but he saved our very souls
If it’s too crazy to believe, I don’t blame you
Because I’ve been down that path
But let me ask – this act of ultimate love:
Where did it come from?
From he who IS love – the creator of love himself
How else do you think we know love?

Temple

2010-01-12T21:38:00.002-05:00

Note: An entry on the books in more detail is coming soon. Until then, enjoy some flash fiction.

The lights were out and we could see only because our eyes had adjusted and the full moon beamed sleepily through the thin curtains. My eyes stung but my heart’s angry palpitations were slowly soothed by Temple’s soft humming as she ran her fingers through my hair. I felt sorry my tears had fallen down beside my head on her lap, but she didn’t seem to mind. Temple’s other hand held mine, stroking my palm with her thumb as I lay it on my shallowly breathing abdomen.

I took in a deep breath and it came in shakily. It felt good. Temple said nothing and I loved her all the better for it. For a moment I wanted to be silent as well, but in my mind thoughts screamed and scratched for release.

“Is it possible to be sure of myself?” I asked in a cracking tremor. “Am I destined to go through life, never quite certain of what I believe?” Temple’s humming had stopped, but I dared not look into her lovely melancholy face. I had yet to know what lay beyond. I was afraid to know, and perhaps she guessed it. Another tear escaped as I blinked. I yawned, breathing deeply again and feeling the emotional exhaustion pressing down on my heart. “Temple, who am I?”

When Temple finally answered, I could not detect emotion. “You are who you are on the outside, and who you are on the inside.” I almost asked her what she meant, except that after a moment’s pause she began again in her calm and calculated manner. “You are what you do – every little thing. And that is all influenced by what you think. You can think all you need to, but who you are is defined by what you end up doing. An ultimatum is an ultimatum. Once met and dealt with... there you are.”

I could not feel myself tremble any more, and finally dared to look up at Temple. I was met with a small smile that changed her whole face. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I felt more tears coming as in the glassy blue of her eyes I knew I had finally found a sister.

Books Read in 2009

2010-01-01T18:08:00.000-05:00

So this is a first in a series of New Year posts I spontaneously decided to... um... plan. I shall first do a general re-cap of books, then perhaps a couple more entries specifically about the books and why I rated them what I did. Then, I want to do another entry or two about what I did in 2009 and what I want to do in 2010. This will probably end with the resolution to "blog more." ;-)

So, I am stealing Natalie's format and rating system this year:

5-I REALLY liked it!
4-Also very, very good
3-Good
2-Okay, but not necessarily worth the time
1-Wouldn't recommend it

Now, just because I rate something a 5, 4, or 3, doesn't mean I didn't like it. I just had to be positively addicted to the book for it to get a 5 and/or just keep singing its praises after I finish reading it; for it to get a 4 it still has to be a very excellent book I would most certainly recommend, and for it to get a 3 I would still recommend it, but I'm not jumping up and down excited about it, nor will I really find much to say about why you should read it, other than that it was definitely good. As for 2... it goes for books that were, in general, interesting enough, but I was eager to just get them over with and if anybody asked me if they should read it, I would say probably not, unless you're really interested in _____. As for 1: IT SUCKED. Hands down, don't read it. I'll tell you why, too, if you really want to know. Just don't read it. Please.

So, here we go. I read 21 more books than I did last year! Each year I am going to try and increase the number of books I read. Hopefully. *drinks to more reading* Mmm... Martinelli's.

January

1. How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor by Robert S. Mendelsohn - 5
2. The Mystery of Iniquity by Michael Rood - 1
3. Let me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot - 4

February

4. For Young Women Only by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn and Lisa Ann Rice - 3
5. For Young Men Only by Jeff Feldhahn - 3
6. For Women Only by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn - 3
7. Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis - 5

March

8. Everybody's Guide to Homeopathic Medicines by M.D. Stephen Cummings and Dana Ullman - 4
9. Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto - 5

April

10. Not Even a Hint by Joshua Harris - 3
11. Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens - 5
12. Persuasion by Jane Austen - 4
13. Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy - 3

May

14. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies "by Jane Austen" and some IDIOT - 1
15. A Year in Provence by Peter Mayle - 3
16. Writing Life Stories by Bill Roorbach - 4
17. Living the Cross Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney - 4

June

18. Across the River and Through the Trees by Ernest Hemingway - 4
19. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen - 4
20. Whatever Happened to Justice? By Richard Maybury - 5
21. Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose - 5

July

22. Every Young Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge - 3
23. The Sign of Four by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 3
24. The Complete Guide to Homeopathy by Andrew Lockie - 3
25. The Dependent Gene by David S. Moore - 4

August

26. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux - 5+++!!!!!!!!!
27. No Plot? No Problem! By Chris Baty - 3
28. House by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker - 2 (I hate to say it, but I just didn't like it that much!)
29. The Lost Virtue of Happiness by Klaus Issler and J. P. Moreland - 2

September

30. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 4
31. Kiss by Ted Dekker and Erin Heely - 4
32. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - 5
33. The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield - 5
34. Keeping a Journal You Love by Sheila Bender - 3
35. Human by Robert Winston - 2

October

36. The Kingdom of Strange by Shula Klinger - 3
37. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen - 3
38. Story by Robert McKee - 5

November

39. "The Weight of Glory" and Other Addresses by C. S. Lewis - 4
40. "The Earthquake in Chile" and "The Marquise of O-" by Heinrich von Kleist - 3

December

41. Are You Liberal, Conservative, or Confused? By Richard Maybury - 5
42. A Long Fatal Love Chase by Louisa May Alcott - 4
43. College Without Highschool by Blake Boles - 4
44. When God Writes Your Life Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy - 3

Feel free to ask any questions about these books that you want! I will hopefully elaborate on them soon. :)

~Jessica

On Love

2009-12-03T22:44:00.003-05:00

Written on a flight from Portland to Chicago as I wave a teary goodbye to a place so many heartstrings attached themselves to during my stay.

Love is not what makes one's heart pitter-patter at the sight of another. Love isn't the warm feeling one gets when one experiences that delicate touch of someone special. Love is not thinking and dreaming about another person constantly, causing one to be ever distracted. Love is not what it feels like to hug or kiss someone - or more. Love is not excitement; not a purely physical bond; not hormones pulsating through one's body or some urge below one's belt line.

So, then, what is love? I've listed so many things that love is not that everyone should have narrowed it down by now in their minds, right?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

As always, I shall disclaim everything I am saying (perhaps I should just put a general disclaimer up on my blog or wall... or perhaps I should stop worrying about how incompetent everyone must think I am): 19-year-olds probably know nothing about love. But I interrupt my disclaimer to ask: who does? And what qualifies a person as being all-knowing about love, anyway? If someone is 16 or 17 and has been in more relationships and/or had sex more than I have at 19 or 20 (actually, just insert into those spots any given ages; my point is still the same), does that make them more knowledgeable than me on the subject of love? That person may care to think so, and I'm not going to try and prove them wrong, but in my oh-so-humble opinion, I think it just might be the other way around.

Whether I know anything about relationships, love, etc., or not, here is what I think love is:

Love is when you can sit together in a room, keeping to yourselves, but being able to speak up at any time and have the other person nod, smile, chortle, or whatever. Love is when you wake up in the morning and you smell like crap, and they smell like crap, but you still sit down next to each other for breakfast and pretend like you can't smell anything... because your love goes way beyond how a person smells. Love is when you can't help passing gas in all manner of odd ways, but you aren't embarrassed. Love is doing things together - it's cleaning the kitchen, it's throwing a ball or a Frisbee, it's swimming laps, it's riding bikes, it's raking leaves, it's cooking dinner, it's making music. Love is not blaming somebody that the hot water ran out, even if it was obviously their fault. Love is coming to each other when a problem arises and working it out together. Love is encouraging one another to be better people and not just tolerating behavior that you know one day will be detrimental to them and to others. Love is serving one another in all senses of the word; love is selfless. Love doesn't do things for one person because they want a reward or some sort of acknowledgement for themselves - love does things for a person specifically to do things for the person. Love is not the bare minimum; love does all that is required, and then keeps on doing.

In Oregon, I came to realize how truly bad I am at loving. And, up until the time I said that last sentence, you may have thought I was talking about romantic love... and now you are pointing your fingers at the text and shouting nice things like "impostor!!" at me. But I was - the real romantic love is encompassed in unconditional love. The basis of all love is the unconditional, which we often forget.

Anyway, as I was saying *clears throat*... in Oregon, I came to realize how truly bad I am at loving. That sounds horrible, but it's true. Once out of my day-to-day life I tend to get caught up in, I was able to step back and reflect on my actions in general. After all, in preparation for my trip, I had gotten very slack in tolerance, communication, and servanthood, among other things. Are those things to be so conditional? I don't think so.

Oregon... my two steps forward and one step back. I jumped at the opportunity to improve upon my loving. And so much more than that occurred. I learned an incredible amount of things about loving, more than I ever thought I would in my whole life, especially what I would have assumed I would learn on the trip.

So, thank you, everyone and everything, in North Carolina and all that was in my new love, Oregon.

And you, my two dearest lands - North Carolina and Oregon - how I love thee! I believe I am to be torn between two lovers forever. Alas - 'tis a beautiful, bittersweet affair!

~Jessica

Marion

2009-11-18T12:23:00.002-05:00

By Jessica

Memories hide themselves in the tar

Bumpy tar

Cracked tar

Easy for things to be forgotten

Each time I walked, 'twas a new street

Same bumps

Same cracks

New joy, new love, new pain

For only a fortnight have I known this pavement

Fast friends

How so?

Your hard soul is my solace

For every time we walked together, but I alone

Old friends

Just so

Ne'er again shall I take you for granted

Like the all-seeing eye of the four walls

See what is

Knowledge disguised

Then in solitude you sing

The lullaby mourns as your black arms hold me

Say what was

Knowledge unfurled

At last I can see who I am

Ode to an Ever-Closed Library in Seaside

2009-11-15T15:13:00.002-05:00

Boo-hoo.

Can you see my tears?

The lovely breeze and sun

Their battle they have won

But to sit and read and write and think

Such pleasures I have none.

Forlorn

I sit

Stranded on a sidewalk

'Tis useless reasons ye hath closed

To government you have brown-nosed

Mine feeble heart longs only for thee

But returned affection I only supposed.

Sigh.

Oh, Snap!

2009-11-07T21:33:00.004-05:00

Since I don't exactly have a lot of time to sit down and write really long, drawn-out blog posts while I am here (or anywhere, for that matter), I am probably just going to blog as often as I can in little blurbs about life so far. This came about because my first official blurb was actually going to be a status on Facebook...but it was too long.

So, ladies and gentlemen:

OH SNAP

by Jessica

about Jessica

written in third person for the sake of dramatic emphasis...or whatever feeling you get from reading this piece

Jessica was walking along the shore, absorbing the presence of the ocean and feeling at one with the wind when suddenly she was hit with 3 waves, leaving her in water that was waist deep. In a struggle to walk out of the water before she got more wet, the grasping fingers of the ocean ripped her flip-flop off her foot. She grabbed for it, successful in this retrieval, until the process caused her other flip-flop to wiggle off and elope with the receding sea. In a vain, tragic effort, Jessica scoured the ocean in the twilight. Alas, her flip flop was gone for eternity and she was soaked to the bone with only a future as an ice sculpture to give her hope in life. Oh, and dinner. =)

Goodbye, Ordinary

2009-10-29T08:28:00.003-04:00

"Live like there's no tomorrow, love extravagantly, lead a life to be followed...goodbye, ordinary!"

It's not as if I want to say goodbye to ordinary. I am content with ordinary. I love ordinary! But that's the thing, I guess. In a lot of ways I'd be perfectly content to stay with this life forever. To live in one house, eventually falling in love with a very wonderful person, getting married, moving into another house, and having very wonderful children. The theme of this blog should be "All I desire out of life is it's mediocre simplicities, but it's amazing how good I am at complicating things by thinking about them all the time." Well, let's not.

But something within me screams "Do something!!!" I often stare blankly at it and when my mind comes round I finally ask it what the heck it's talking about. Why would I need to do something?? I'm living my dream right here. Don't push discontentment on me! And what do you mean by "something" anyway?

And I am sure we all get that feeling. That there is more to life than what we've known so far. More than what is right in front of our faces. And for some of us, this is a call to explore the depths of life and the world, to discover all they possibly can as they strive to fully live; to meet their own expectations of whatever that means to them. Then there are people more like me, who usually shrug off any such longing, keep on enjoying everyday life, and treasure family vacations to the beach or mountains.

Note: people such as myself are perfectly sane. They are not selling themselves short, and they are not to be thought of any less than your average, more driven person, looked down upon, or felt sorry for. Thank you.

Note #2: Of course, these are the two extremes, and there are many people in the middle, as well as crazy people that take the extremes to extremes, but to keep the length down, I won't go into great detail of all the different personality-types in the world.

Back to the blog.

But sometimes I do feel like I am selling myself short. Not because my life here does not meet expectations of a good life, by any means. Like I said, I would be perfectly content just to live my altered-for-Christian-non-feminist-people-who-homeschool version of the American Dream till the day I die. But because there are so many opportunities I have laid eyes upon in my life that I think I would have liked to take. I tend to imagine vividly what doing these things would be like - from going to Indiana to study wolves, to Oxford to intensely study creative writing, to Nicaragua to backpack the gorgeous terrain.

I think, more than anyone I know (I could be wrong) I have wanted to do basically everything. I've wanted to be a circus acrobat, an equestrian, figure skater, prima ballerina, conductor, Broadway performer, Olympic swimmer, soccer player, hockey player, dog behaviorist, whale rider, personal trainer, psychologist, photographer....there's no need to go on. And every time I get one of these ideas in my head, I start imagining. I research it, and sometimes I even have started to make plans. But then it's all forgotten, usually for these two subconscious reasons:

1. I love this life, I am content, and what I really want is this normal-ness I've grown up around to be my normal-ness, if that makes sense.

2. If I am going to do anything career-ish with my life, I am going to write. Because, no matter how hard I might try, I can't stop writing.

So I drop it all, and go back to my normal life, reading, writing, being Jessica, and swimming as often as possible. Works for me!

Then, along came a spidey who sat down beside me. Its name was Novel Writing Camp-ish-thing in Oregon. 1 month. Write a novel. At the beach. In another state. At first, I was sold. But, figuring it would interfere with normal life I, again, shrugged it off and kept swimming (not a figure of speech or Finding Nemo quote; it was early July).

Later in July, I mentioned it to my dad in passing, and he encouraged me to actually go. After all, I want to write, right? And now, I am leaving tomorrow.

No, it does not seem real to me. All my life I have said, "yes, I am definitely going to do _______," and my brother would be happy to point out to you that I just DON'T. I never do. I always back out of it quietly, whatever it is. It's a wonder I ever took college classes, graduated from high school, joined a swim team, own a chinchilla, take piano lessons, do improv shows, or anything else that now is a part of my everyday life (that I love, have I mentioned??).

I don't want to love travelling so much that I lose sight of how I love normal life and never come home again, so I guess that is why I am writing this entry. Still, I think it's good for every young person to have that time where they go off for a bit into the world and do something new, if for no other reason than to see what it's like and be fully aware that "home is where the heart is", "there's no place like home", and other clichés that Delilah will probably tell you if you call in to request a song.

Anyway, here I go, off to write my book! I will attempt to blog at least a little while I am in Oregon, and hopefully post pictures on Facebook, too. If you are not on Facebook, you really should get one. You know who you are. After all, you don't become addicted/obsessed unless you let yourself, right?

I love you all!!

~Jessica

New Beginnings

2009-10-26T09:14:00.007-04:00

Fall can be looked at in many different ways. Despite being very cold right now, I can easily look past that to the gorgeous colors outside my window, and the leaves whooshing around, decorating the ground with the essence of autumn. It may sound strange to see death in this light, but we all do it. The leaves are dying, true, but they smell so good and look so wonderful!

This time of the year just makes me think of beginnings for some reason. More so than spring, when everything really is coming to life. The air is so crisply fresh, the cool nights perfect for bonfires, and the time has come for cuddling up in warm sweaters, enjoying the great outdoors, or cozying up inside under a warm blanket with hot chocolate and a good book.

And this time, fall brings a real new beginning with it as well: I am leaving the comfort of the only home I've ever known....the only life I have ever known....to fly across the country for a month to write a novel under the inspiration of new experiences.

I have often wondered if I have a wandering soul. But, having never really wandered before, how am I supposed to know? But, the truth is, while I like traveling and going new places, I really like to stay in one place. While I appreciate extravagance, high adventure, new sights and sounds, etc., what I want for the rest of my earthly life is simplicity. Not simplicity as in uncomplicated or easy. But "A Simple Kind of Life" .... "Somewhere that's Green." A simple house, on a good amount of land somewhere not too far from civilization, but not too close either. Just me, my Someone, and as many kids as God blesses us with.

So, nobody fear - I'm going, but I won't be gone forever, and I certainly won't go away that often. :) I love my life and wherever it leads me, but most of all I love it here.

Just a few half awake thoughts on this lovely Monday morning.

~Jessica

Today I....

2009-10-19T23:17:00.004-04:00

....am going to to a post about what I did today, because I would like to blog, and with blogging usually comes deep and philosophical thoughts in their own time. So, ladies and gentlemen, a Monday in the Life of Jessica:

Today I woke up. The sun was not shining. I feel like I have written those two sentences before, side-by-side. Hmm. This probably means that this is how I start every day....moving on....

I did yoga, worked out some, made tea, grabbed a leftover biscuit, and read one of my favorite Richard Maybury books, "Are You Liberal? Conservative? Or Confused?" It is a brilliant book, as Maybury is a brilliant man. You should read it. Enough said.

After this, I went into my room, finished Esther, started Job, read some in Isaiah and some in Matthew. This completed, I set to work plotting my story out more. Man, I have seriously never planned this much before for anything. But this book must come to fruition. Therefore, someone must write it. And writing anything good requires sufficient planning. So, I must plan like crazy. I love my logic.

I ate breakfast and read a chapter in "How Should We Then Live?", which is another excellent book (not by Richard Maybury, but by Francis A. Schaeffer) that you should read.

After this, I did the dishes, folded laundry, cleaned my room (funny how I actually have a floor, walls, and furniture now), and thought about what to make for dinner. I settled on a dish called something like "wild mushrooms running rampant through a creamy forest of chicken and noodles." Yum.

I then settled down to read ANOTHER great book called "Story" by Robert McKee. You should read it IF you are interested in any medium of storytelling. It will change your life forever and all of your stories will increase in greatness by at least a tenfold!! =D This caused me to do more story planning as well.

Eventually, I stopped this and started to work for my dad. I answered e-mails, etc. for a while.....during which, my parents went on a walk and my siblings decided to throw a techno dance party in the living room in their absence.....

After working for some time, I looked up chord sheets for piano, printed them out, and went into the kitchen to make my chosen meal, only to find out I had been bumped by my mother, who insisted that the pork chops must be cooked at that very moment or they would go bad; that they were for dinner and I would either have to prepare my dish later and not-for-dinner, or make it another day.

"Well," I thought to myself (in an 'aloud' kind of way), "gee, mom, this is your night out with your yoga class, and my only night in this week: we're going to grandma's house tomorrow night, Wednesday is Radical, Thursday is either improv or Kara is coming over, Friday's the fair, Saturday's the improv show..." and I began to wonder what person in their right mind would schedule so much to do! But that is off-topic. The point is, I was bumped from making dinner.

I made it anyway, after everything else was done and everyone else had eaten the pork chops. WOE IS ME!!!!! Well, I ate the mushroom-chicken-noodle thing, and I thought it was quite tasty, if I do say so myself. And chicken is so much better for you than pork. And mushrooms are just so awesome. So there.

Between getting bumped and making my meal, I practiced piano. Okay...well.....sort of. I started off all nice and dedicated-ish, playing Ben Folds' "The Luckiest" like I was supposed to, and then suddenly I wanted to work on a composition I have been thinking about for a while. So that was my piano practice, until I got up for a moment and a certain dad and littlest brother turned on the TV (to watch while they eat their pork chops).

I cleaned up, read some more in "Story," attempted to upload pictures to Facebook (failing presently; must have something to do with blogging). And here I am now.

Well! That was most fascinating, I am sure. I even threw in some drama and self-pity to make it interesting.

Reflections on today:

1. What I have learned: It is very easy to be productive if you set your mind to it. It is also very easy to get distracted and forget to set your mind to something.

2. Best thing about today: Getting 1,000 brainstorms for my story.

3. Worst thing about today: Ummm....probably that I am staying up late right now and I will be very tired/groggy/falling-asleep-on-my-book-ish tomorrow.

4. If I could change one thing about today: I would go to bed. Now.

Fine. That settles it. I think I shall do more of these, though. At least so I can remember what life was like before it got hectic for the next 2 months...then I can get back to this life in January, right? Wouldn't trade it for the world...

~Jessica

Cruise Control

2009-10-14T22:37:00.004-04:00

So, I wonder what is up with me now. I've noticed that this past week or so, I have been in a mood. Or, is it a mood? It is, in all probability, normality: I am set on cruise. Can't stop to pick up extra passengers right now, or to get extra food from the next MacDonald's. Gotta keep trucking down the interstate, towards that destination somewhere at the end of December. That's when I can pull over, get a motel for a little bit, examine my maps and tour books, and make some calls to catch up and get advice from family and friends. From there, I can decide my next course of action.

When in cruise, I can't speed up, either. The limit is a steady 65 mph. Slowing down isn't timely, but, also, if I speed up I miss enjoying the incredibly scenic trip.

I can't know where I am by gazing too far into the distance to try and make it out; I need to just concentrate on what is around me and what I can see. Plus, if I don't follow this, I might find myself lost further up the road, perhaps even without a memory of where I had been before; and where I made the wrong turn.

So that is what I need to be doing. Why, then, do I sit here, blinking and wondering, "What am I supposed to be working for again?"

On the day before a piano lesson, I practice like crazy, all the while swearing I will remember to practice way more next week. I get caught up on work, and then let it sit there while I pretend it doesn't exist...then I get stressed out with having to catch up again, and promise myself I will STAY caught up this time. And I never seem to remember to do everything I'm supposed to, no matter what it is. Because at any given time, all I see is ME and MY thoughts. Or me and my "free time."

I can just see this happening in Oregon. I'll get there, having only planned half of what I should have before I arrived...left...whatever. And I will, without a doubt, seriously hate myself for this. I won't finish my book by the time I am supposed to. And I will not feel like writing some days, so I won't write, though I am supposed to keep going.

I feel like I will always be concentrating on the wrong thing.

Should I just abandon this attempt to concentrate altogether? But, if I do, how am I supposed to get anything done???

Obviously, I have barely ever accomplished anything before, anyway (I know this sounds terrible, but this is a low-self-esteem moment, okay? Okay!). What would "not concentrating" do differently?

*Breathe in* *breathe out*

No. All I need to do is try a different angle on focusing.

Hmmm....I shall be all official and call this "Optimistic Concentration." I'm not sure what it is, but it sounds pretty nifty, doesn't it? It's....it is....the....the opposite of "Obligatory Concentration" (which I also just made up). Yeah, that's it. I don't HAVE to concentrate...I simply want to. I can stop concentrating at any time I please, and go eat ice cream and stare at the stars. And while that sounds lovely, it would not really be beneficial to any great degree. All of my blog entries would be about how dairy relates to astrology....like, take the Milky Way for example...

Yes, this is what I shall do. Optimistic Concentration. So there.

Goodnight all!

~Jessica

Seaside Thoughts

2009-09-20T19:57:00.003-04:00

~~~~~~~

It's out last full day at the beach. I am sunburned, sand burned, wind burned...in other words, red all over. Putting on sunscreen is not a hobby of mine, but apparently it will be at the beach in the future. My neck is stiff from fighting the rough waves. I am quite full and fat-feeling. My hair is a tousled, matted mess. I'm losing sleep staying up reading good books. I'm scraped up from landing on the slanted shore full of shells. Almost as many shells as the time after hurricane Isabella...the time I was in Mrs. H--'s writing class and people asked what had happened to my scabbed chin.

In some ways, I miss that class, and regret dropping out. But at the same time, I remember the seeming misery it was. Too much structure. When things got creative...even then it wasn't good enough. I was Anne and she was Rachel Lynde, or worse. No imagination.

Despite all the beach-ish pain, I feel perfectly content. This is the way it's meant to be. This is the beach.

We can't quite figure out what is going on in one of the units. There are yellow smiley-face balloons tied everywhere on the deck of this group of units, with signs pointing to "Rehab Party" in the unit decorated with several smiley face balloons and blinking orange Christmas lights. Rehab party?? We are a little concerned as to what that is supposed to mean. So far, the people seem pretty sane. They haven't even been loud or obnoxious, so it must be safe. Still...

Mom found this incredibly amazing website: http://www.amblesideonline.org ...books!! Charlotte Mason curriculum book suggestions for K-12. Everything I've worried about, I shan't any longer. I know what books to look for now for my own kids, to have in my own library for their freestyle educational benefit. I am so excited, I've nearly abandoned my beach reading in pursuit of making a carry-with-me-all-the-time shopping list. I'll arrange it by subject, then author, once I am done.

I've been thinking about life, money, dreams, etc. I guess I do that a lot. But, really, I haven't given that much thought to what I am going to do come January. But all of a sudden I've started to worry. Again. Here I go with the worry again. Not excessive. Not overwhelming. Just making me want to make plans again. Thinking about things like interior design and personal training.

But why do I need to do this? What about writing? Isn't that what this November's trip is all about, isn't it?

God has a dream for me. What is it? In some ways, I know what it is. Perhaps the best option is to trust him in the uncertainty of having a book or books published. Haven't I said a million times that God wants me to go with my original passion - writing? Yes. That, and to stop trying to find easier ways, more certain ways, to "do something with my life." If he wants me to write for a living, he will bless me when I pursue this. And if it's not, or writing and motherhood are not the only paths he wishes me to pursue, he will show me. I won't be sitting here guessing. Yet, I still get emotional...

Low tide. My tears blur at the horizon. A giant wave is coming. Closer, closer, closer...I blink. It's gone. I taste droplets from the ocean as they slide down my cheek. So...in a way, the ocean and I are one. Waves are moody. Some days slow and calm; others, fast, churning, towering. Beyond the horizon is a world to explore - a world I shall surely never see. The clouds, like always, stand tall like the distant castles of Great Britain. But I keep crashing in and sucking out, never venturing past what I know; beyond myself and my own territory.

The ocean and I are cowards in life. And, in being cowards, we destroy what is beautiful among us. Yet people are still drawn to us - still love us. Somehow it doesn't matter what we do to them: they stand by our side and will attest their love for us every breathing day. And, in the end, we love them for it and want to give them what they gave us back, though maybe in a different form.

The ocean and I know our depths. Know what we can and can't do. But sometimes we just do our own thing, when we should be doing things that benefit others.

The ocean and I are conflicted, confused. God gives us a path in life to follow. Yet, sometimes, we stray against his will. In the end, though, he works it out for good. And we strive harder to hear. But we oftentimes we can't, because we are rarely still.

The ocean and I are kin. No wonder I love it so much. We always love what we see ourselves in, in one way, or another. Even if it's our unabashed, selfish, awful selves...somehow we become endeared to whatever it is. We can't help narcissism. I think, in small amounts, it is a God thing. Adam was meant to be attracted to another human, and not a monkey.

~~~~~~~

I wrote that earlier today on the beach in my journal. Why is it so hard to admit to flaws? Is it because our pride causes us to look down on other people with those flaws? That is the other side of the equation - we see a flaw we have in another person. But sometimes it takes on a slightly different form, and we detest that flaw. But, really, are we only hating someone else to avoid hating ourselves?

I'll just go ahead and admit this now, because I feel the need to: I'm a selfish, vain, idiotic person, among other things. I have a million character flaws I can't even count on all my fingers and toes. I'm not going to lie. I am not perfect. I'm sure you already knew that, because nobody is perfect. And I'm not being down on myself. Just honest. The bright side - I'm striving every day to be better. To listen to God's voice. To be a servant in my home. To be a blessing with whomever I come in contact with.

Almost all the time I am insanely jealous of people who do this naturally. Who don't have to think consciously about being good - it just comes to them. Why is that? How can I acquire that nature? Will I ever acquire it, or will I always have to think about being good? Will it never come naturally?

There's only one way to find out.

~Jessica

Tuesday. This is Tuesday. Not Thursday.

2009-09-15T09:06:00.005-04:00

A new semester begins, and, as I've always said, as long as there is God and coffee, life is good!

Well, I've always wanted to say that, anyway.

Now, here is the part where I hit the fast-forward button so you all don't have to read through any incessant whinings and grumblings about not getting any respect about not going to college: pffffffftttttttttyyyyyyyyyyssssssssllllllllllllllllllllltheyjustdon'tunderstandjjjjjjjjjjjrrrrrrrllllllllccccccciIamreallydoingthingsdfdjjjjjjjjjjjjjttttttttdddddddddddslslsllslslsllllllliiiuuuuuuandtheycanjustgetoveritkjkjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkjjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmaybeIshouldjustgetoverthemtttttttllllllwwwwwwhhhhchangemymentalityvvvvvmmmmmqqqqoooooppppptttttttttbetterpersonjjjjjjjttttttlllllllllnkkkkkknotdoinganythingdifferentkklllleeeooootppppppccvccccdddddddddddohgoodgrief.

Now, with that behind me, I would like to say I am going to start blogging more. For real this time. For real real this time. For REAL real reall this time!!!

Look, I'll start right this moment (Jessica, you are already blogging) (shh, be quiet, I'm blogging!!):

This bright, sunny, beautiful morning, I rose out of bed with a shout of glee, for life is beautiful, just like the sunshine. However, when I really woke up, it was dark still. The Beatles CD that has been sitting in my CD player/clock alarm for the past two weeks woke me up AGAIN, reminding me I had stayed up too late AGAIN. I fell back asleep for 20 minutes, woke up on my own accord and remembered that I wanted to be awake. To read and drink coffee.

Thrown out of bed by this delicious prospect (which never ceases to be the best thing EVER to do upon first waking up), I dashed to the coffee maker, ground my favorite dark French roast from Trader Joe's, turned the pot on, and went back into my room for Kiss and my fuzzy blanket. The coffee brewed, I poured myself a cup, and snuggled up with my doggie to read. I am trying to read this book slower than I really want to, because I don't want to start a new book until Thursday when we leave for the beach. Soooooo I have to stop being obsessed with what happens next. Wow, the first time in my life I want to be slow at reading. Weirdness.

I worked out some, ate breakfast, and made up my mind to blog. Which is what I am doing now.

Somehow I had gotten into my head that all of my blog entries must contain deep philosophy, theology, or something else of that nature, so I guess that, along with not having a ton of time...

If my mother gets hit by a car going 55 mph because she is standing in the middle of the road talking to somebody who was driving by, then I am going to be very angry at her for doing something she would have told me not to. Humph.

....caused me to not write much at all. And still, this entry does not seem complete without philosophy. So! I will make a little list of philosophical musings (aka plaguing questions and chin-stroking thoughts) on my mind recently, and maybe I'll pick one to elaborate on in a later entry:

1. Why do people think they have the right to give anybody and everybody advice? Especially if they barely know that person...and they don't know they whole story? I meet new people all the time who ask me what I am doing with my life. I begin to tell them, and then the immediately solicit advice that I never asked for and don't want to hear. I don't care if I'm having a bad attitude.....okay, fine.

Better attitude thoughts:

2. God opens doors only at the moments when they are supposed to be opened. Not a moment before. There's no need for them just to stand open. But if I come to a door and it's closed, I just need to keep moving down the corridor of life till I come to another open one, right?

3. God puts us through pain to draw us closer to him and make us more fit for heaven. Bad things happen so he can mold us for the betterment of ourselves for this world and the next. It's all in his plans. God can stop Satan, but sometimes he sees that if he lets Satan have his way, God can use it for much better good than if God never let it happen.

4. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He doesn't do this for no reason, and he doesn't do it cruelly. He doesn't give us a glimpse or a teaser at something wonderful and then snatch it out from under our noses. That is what I thought this verse meant for a long, long time. But that isn't what it means at all. There is a time for everything. There was a time, almost 4 years, in fact, where God let me swim. I swam three days a week, and I swam meets. I won races. I had a wonderful time, found a hobby I love, stayed in shape, made some of the greatest friends in the universe, developed a good competitive spirit, discovered an interest in health and fitness, figured out my siblings and I have a magical genetic bent towards swimming (thus getting my entire family involved on the team), among other things. Most importantly, the whole experience made me grow closer to God. Had I never joined swim team, I might be in an awful place now, because even at 15 I was heading down a rotten banana peel path full of rebellion and hatred.

But, like I said, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I'm officially aged out of competition now. I'm too busy to attend more than one practice a week. I won't get to see my friends as often. I'll get slow. I will pray I don't get fat (even though I continue to work out at home, I need that swimming cardio). But now is not the time in my life to swim several days a week and compete. That time has passed. And, while it makes me sad, God has other plans for me now, and that is comforting.

Do not worry, dear readers (if you're still out there after a very long break). I will soon get back into my this-is-what-happened-today-and-this-is-what-I've-been-thinking-lately blogging mode. It will take practice and perseverence, but it shall come about. After all, if I can't do it now, you'll never hear how Oregon goes.

So long (hopefully not very long)!

~Jessica

Still caught in between 10 and 20

2009-08-17T23:25:00.001-04:00

As this is my last evening being 18, I thought it fitting to do a little "last post before I turn 19" post.

I have already recently done a reflective entry, so I am not sure what I am going to write about. I guess I will get out my 18-ish thoughts of the moment to make room for the more mature, 19-ish thoughts of the future! Here goes nothing:

I feel like I want to go to the beach....right now!! I long for our family beach trip each year, with the intense craving starting about...April, maybe even March, depending on the weather. It's the best time of the year, way better than Christmas. There is just nothing like being at the beach...it is the most blissful experience in the world. I can't describe it.

I am having a cuticle issue with my left ring finger. It hurts...it's too pushed back or something. I don't know what happened. I noticed it yesterday. On that note, I have been getting very dry hands at night lately, and I don't know why that is either. It seems as though there is always some little, strange thing wrong with me. Oh, well!

I *am* still caught between 10 and 20, though I don't like to use the word "caught", because this is a great time of my life...nothing negative about it. Still trying to clean out those teenagery cobwebs of bad attitudes, quick tempers, selfishness, hedonism, rebellion, not sleeping when I should, and sleeping when I shouldn't. I have one more year to improve greatly, right? Yes! And that is not one more year to continue in my bad habits and magically repent once I turn *gulp* 20. Hey, 19! There is work to be done around here.

Really, there is. I have this urge to organize everything in and out of sight. Unfortunately, it is a lot easier to organize things in plain view. And it is a lot easier to organize the things that are in plain view...if you don't get distracted doing a million other things. Or discouraged that this darned bedroom is too cluttered. I know I am mixing my tenses and persons but I don't care; it's late and I have only an hour and 35 minutes to be young and careless, right? Right.

Everything seems so crazy and cluttered. And I sound depressed. Maybe I am. No, I am not.

I guess I have been a little more down lately than I usually am. I don't know what the deal with myself is. It's not that I pride myself in optimism so much that I just enjoy the lifestyle, you know? And I'm not a pessimist all of a sudden...it's more like I am an apatheticist. I don't know if that is really the term or even a word, but it sounds really, really cool, doesn't it? Like being apathetic is actually really official and something worth doing!

I think that things over the summer became over scheduled, and I have overall lost track of who I am, what I am supposed to be doing, and what everything is all for. And now that I think about it...um...knowing things like that is kind of vital. Well, this certainly helps things along.

Like Rebecca said in her comment a few entries ago...I need to put God first. And while I have certainly begun giving him a little more of a place in my life, I still have my priorities all mixed up. Like I am going downhill in life and can't stop to consider what I am doing, and then get re-started at a much slower pace. Do you see what I am saying?

Schedule, schedule, schedule. Schedules never work out the way I plan them. I don't even know if they are a good way of getting things done. I just like to have everything I need to do layed out before me on a piece of paper, with times to do everything. But I forget that, throughout the day, I encounter at least four other people, two dogs, a chinchilla, weather, lack of sleep, and spontaneous urges to do other things than what are on the List of Things to Do.

So I start looking at each day as a "at least I got ANYTHING done!" day. But that isn't looking on the bright side; that is settling for underachievement. But...ugh, ugh, ugh!! I don't want to be one of those busybody, schedule-making, self-focused, weird people. I just want to live my life, you know? Just have a freestyle sort of schedule. But if I DID, then I would be playing the piano all day!! In other words, nothing would get done, I feel.

I just need to place this all in God's hands...NOW. Where did those 'rosy days' of March, April, and May go?

But seriously, guys...I am NOT really depressed. Tired, yes. Depressed, no.

Let's take the five steps to being happy:

1. Drink caffeine

2. Watch a really romantic movie or a really inspiring sports movie

3. Go driving really fast while listening to awesome music

4. Go swimming

5. Hang out and act crazy with friends

Since this list of five steps is absolutely ridiculous and simply STUPID (in regards to getting high off of natural drugs), I will go ahead and make a new one:

1. Pray and read the Bible every day

2. Put others first, having a servant's heart

3. Stay healthy

4. Love and fellowship

5. Know that everything is in God's hands

And these five things are what I throw out the window when I wake up in the morning. I roll out of bed and forget everything I need to thrive on. The first list seems to be more of what is on my mind throughout the day. I wake up and want coffee and to read a good book. The rest of the day I would rather spend doing fun things, like music or whatever. Then I want to go off and socialize for about three days straight. I spend some time getting a little done that I need to, just so I don't feel guilty about going off to some other fun outing the next moment. This is not how I need to be living my life. What am I afraid of, quiet? Letting go of my selfish desires?

In the first list I am striving and straining for one thing - to get high on life. But in the second list...oh, I can just feel the peacefulness, order, and fullness radiating off of the words! I am READY, Lord!! Let me continue in my sanctification that I seem to have abandoned. Take my life into your hands. Let me live every day for you and for others and not for myself.

It is now half an hour till I am 19. I think I will just sleep through 12:05 am, thank you.

~Jessica

Morals and Ideals

2009-08-12T22:48:00.003-04:00

DISCLAIMER – I know it’s not that late, but I am pretty much brain-dead. If nothing makes sense and/or I don’t stick to what the thesis probably should have been, that is why.

Everyone has their own personal morals that are based, more or less, on their personal worldview. Worldview, I am sure we all know, is developed by what a person is exposed to in life and how they react to it. The oh-so-valid source of Wikipedia states, “[Worldview] refers to the framework of ideas and beliefs through which an individual interprets the world and interacts with it,” and “describes a consistent (to a varying degree) and integral sense of existence and provides a framework for generating, sustaining, and applying knowledge.”

That said, it is to be expected that everyone’s morals are going to differ at least a little from everyone else’s. And, to an extent, I believe that each person’s morals are probably good for that person. I do not feel like that should include sexual immorality or homosexuality, but those are my morals, right? Here we go stepping into that multiple truths thing again, which needn’t be explained again or further.

But, now, I wonder...are some or all of my own morals actual morals, or are they ideals? Would some change depending on the situation?

I wrote an entry about a year and a half ago with similar questions in mind: http://jblog08.blogspot.com/2008/03/compromise-or-contingent.html. And here they pop up again, all out of the blue. I believe it is nice to know that I am not the only me who has struggled with it...I mean, I am glad to know I have struggled with it before. Now, that may sound a little strange, or perhaps even a lot. But the thing is, I had completely forgotten about having ever gone through this before. So to know that it is a weak area that I have worked through before gives me hope that it can be worked through again, hopefully more efficiently (so it does not happen again-again). Also, going back and reading that is already helping me dig deeper into this whole thing.

Like I was saying, morals or ideals?

Ideals are not set in stone, morals probably are. But what do I base morals off of? Ideals!

What morals and all other forms of conduct should be based off of is what the Holy Spirit tells you to do. We are not under the law anymore, so if you are a follower of Christ, you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit then tells us what is right and wrong for us, if we truly seek God, right? So...that is one of the reasons why I say that everyone’s morals are a little different. As far as Christians go, anyway.

But ideals are put in place by me, for myself. But, I have to wonder, are my ideals based on morals? As in, are they good ideals that should be upheld?

Take the concept of saving the first kiss for marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “thou shalt not kisseth thine wife before thou hast taken her as so.” Saving the kiss is a personal choice. Is it a biblical moral? No; it’s not based off of the Bible. Is it a personal moral? I guess that is what you would call it.

But is it an ideal; something possible only in certain situations?

I know some of you are saying yes, and some no. Maybe some of you are momentarily confused like me.

There comes at least one time in every person’s life where they must logically talk themselves out of something they desire greatly. I guess, anyway, what do I know? I’m not even 19 yet.

All I mean to say, in short, is that I am extremely disappointed in myself, because obviously I can talk the talk until I am told I might be required to walk the walk. And I am scared, frankly. I can justify myself with all of this ideals and morals business, but at the end of the day it all comes down to this: what is right and what I long for are two completely different things.

There are only two options – either justify what I long for as being right and just go ahead and do it, or long for something right instead. And you know the latter is what I should do. The decision is so hard; my heart feels ripped in two because of the opposing directions it wants to take.

I just feel so awful right now. Please forgive me for being so hard on myself at this moment, but I really must. All these years I’ve held these ideals and morals. I don’t care how pointless or illogical they are – they are mine and I’ve basically sworn to stand by them, not wishing to make any more mistakes than necessary, especially since I made so many early on. And now, here is God saying “Jessica, have a go at this situation...put your restraint to good practice. I know you can do this!” And here I am saying “Wow, God! This is amazing!! You mean I’m supposed to resist? That’s crazy talk, this is too good to be true!”

I know somewhere or another in the Bible it says that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. So I know I can get through this, I just know it, right? Yes, yes, yes. Will do, Cap’n. Aye, sir!

But it is and will continue to be so easy to give in. Just like it is so easy to jerk the steering wheel a bit to the left on a two-lane road into oncoming traffic. I could do it any time, on purpose, if I impulsively felt like it. And at any second, I could give in to an overwhelming temptation to forgo all my morals and head straight into something else.

I know that if I uphold my morals AND my moralistic ideals, God will bless me in one way or another. I’m not looking for God’s blessing, though; I just know that it will happen. If I don’t uphold my honor...I know the consequences, suffice to say. I often want to ignore the consequences, but I can’t for very long. Especially if they start happening to me.

However, I would like to end on a happy note, so I will make some general comments about life these days other than trying to think straight:

I was recently accepted to a novel writing camp/retreat/intensive thing! I will be leaving all ye North Carolinians behind and going to Oregon for a month to sit in a beach cottage and write a book. It will be in November, so “beach cottage” does not necessarily mean “lovely warm days strolling the beach and feeling the wind in my hair.” It is very unfortunate. However, it’s still the beach...“so much scope for the imagination.” So, yes, I will come back with pages and pages of unrefined bookness and hopefully only a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome. Wish me luck (and pray for me not to miss my planes!!!!!!!)

My swim team went undefeated its second summer in a row! Counting our last four meets that we won 3 summers ago, we are now 16-0. I didn’t think it could get any better than one undefeated season. And it was my last year on the team, too! I don’t like getting old. But at least it was a good season to get old. :)

I read The Phantom of the Opera! Now, that isn’t exactly wowie-zowie news, but I am really excited because it is now my new favorite book. I don’t have favorite books that often...those kinds of books I have to love aaaaaaaalllllllllll the way through and must crave to read them morning to night and while I am asleep...and I must hate when the end comes much too soon. This book met all the criteria of a favorite book. And now I really, REALLY want to go live out my Phantom of the Opera fantasies even more than I already did ever since I saw it for the first time when I was 12. You all know I’ve always wanted to live in Raleigh Memorial Auditorium....

That said, I am going to bed! Goodnight!

~Jessica

Imagine

2009-08-09T09:32:00.002-04:00

Music and Lyrics by Jessica

Sunlight dips down
Through the field of my soul
Casting waves of springtime
O’er the dew on the grass

When my mind drifts away
It stumbles and shakes
As it trips through the sea
Of my memory

And the things I long for
I might just die for
If they dared come true

Imagine...
Imagine...

The velvet belief
That all is as it seems
Causes my mind to doubt
All that’s happened to me

That my dreams now
Pale to real life
Are the midnight souls
Finally one?

Yet I cannot seem to tell
And perhaps I’ll never know
If this is my dream come true

Imagine...
Imagine...

Fois...

2009-08-02T18:15:00.000-04:00

Time - I swear, what is "spare time"? I don't remember the last time I was bored. How I LONG for boredom!! Or how I wish I could go give some of the stuff I have to do now to the bored me when I was younger. Or that I could go tell the bored, younger me ALL of the things she could have been doing, so that now I would not have so much to do.

It is quite bothersome when other people complain about being bored. As if there is nothing to do. Come on, there are MILLIONS of things to do. MILLIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the week. Things have just been so crazy, I don't know what to do about anything. All I want is my normal life back. Although I don't even remember what that is anymore.

I want time back. Time to read. Time to work for my dad. Time to clean the house. Time to cook dinner. Time to spend with friends because everything else will be done. Time to learn. Time to explore. Time to spend with my family. Time to work on my writing. Time to work on my music. Time to dream.

I do everything at such a darned leisurely pace. It is really quite sickening. Why can't I just go fast and get the work done???? No, I lounge about. I do things slowly. I stop and think. I get distracted. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME????? This must be a mental disorder.

I need to make boundaries for my life. I need a set schedule. I need discipline. There needs to be dedication. A sense of responsibility. An idea of when "no nonsense" is necessary, and when the appropriate times are to be nonsensical.

Time to set some priorities. And stick with them.

First of all, my number one priority right now should be going out to the office building and faxing my release forms to the Unschool Adventures people. It has been almost a week since I e-mailed them and said, "sorry it is taking so long, I'll try to get them to you sometime tomorrow!" There is a fine example right there. Seven tomorrows later, they are still wondering where my release forms went and if I dropped off the face of the planet/fell into a coma/died.

Secondly, there is work for my dad. THIS SHOULD NOT BE THAT HARD. But with a combination of sluggishness, procrastination, and not taking myself seriously when I make schedules, I have fallen behind TWICE in the past month (and I am writing now instead of doing all these things I don't have time for, but I really must write, or I will go crazy…in which case, obviously, nothing would get done), and still have much to catch up on. As swim team has been going on, I have had little or no time to help my mom around the house, whether cooking, cleaning, or anything else. She needs the help, and I feel terrible that nothing has been getting done!!

Besides all of this and everything else, I just feel like a lazy, good-for-nothing nobody. That isn't good. Self-esteem is important.

Then I just want to have time to myself to do me-things. Like reading, writing, music, and spending time with friends and family. It was hard, while swimming, to want to swim for 2 hours each day, and then go home and want to spend more time doing other things I wanted to do, like reading or playing the piano.

Anyway. Priorities.

Non-priorities: Facebook. The bane of everyone's existence. Government-created to capture our minds in invisible cages and never set them free….I realize this and, like everyone else, cannot seem to break free in spite of my knowledge. Must…stop….chatting.....and....looking.....at.....pictures.......!!!!!

So, yes. What was that I said a while ago about not needing to go on and check it for two minutes at a time every three hours/every time I'm on my computer (which is a lot between working and writing)? Yeah, that.

Hence shall begin the Age of Discipline. Besides, how am I supposed to discipline my own children if I can't even completely discipline myself? And how in the world am I going to be a good wife or mother if I can't even handle the responsibilities of being a teenager in my parents' home? Yup, yup, yup…good points, Jessica. Good stuff.

What other things do I need to discipline myself on? If Facebook were the only thing taking up my time…then I guess I am a loser. But there are other things, which aren't inherently counterproductive. It is simply not the right time to be doing them. Example: I (immaturely) get mad about something. I (immaturely) stomp or sulk off to my room. I (immaturely) kick stuff around and mutter about how messy the room is and how somebody needs to clean it (me). I see my pennywhistle, and I start playing it. I turn on some Irish songs, and play along with those. Then I start saying, "I'll bet I can play this! And that! And the other thing!" And pretty soon I've blown 45 minutes away on the pennywhistle (no pun intended). Yes, there is nothing wrong with playing the pennywhistle. Yes, I am in a significantly better mood afterwards. But was it the right time? No, because I should have been doing dishes, folding laundry, or scrubbing the bathtub. Was it for the right reason, even? No…..um…..I never really play the pennywhistle unless I'm angry. Otherwise I don't have set practice times. And since I really TRY not to get angry, it doesn't get played all that often.

No matter what inspiration strikes me, I shouldn't book-write or songwrite when I should be answering e-mails for my dad. I seem to have this magical longing to not do what I am supposed to be doing, and to do whatever should wait till after I'm done doing what I'm supposed to. AKA "procrastination", or some relation of the curse.

Like in most things I write about, I could go on. Basically, the drastic change that needs to happen (and be kept up) in order for the Age of Discipline to fully realize itself is…responsibilities first, play later. Simple as that. My parents have been trying to teach me that principle my whole life. Now I am almost 19 and I just…might…be starting to get it. Though it doesn't count as "getting it" till I actually am able to implement it nearly flawlessly for more than a 48 hour period. Like…maybe a 48-year period. By then I suppose I'll be so used to doing it that I won't have to think about it, even though I will be retired from everything and can probably do whatever I want…

If Only

2009-08-01T23:17:00.001-04:00

If only for a day
You and I could fly away
Into the ribbons of the sky
No one else, just you and I

If only in a dream
If reality it seemed
We could sail on seas so blue
And it would just be me and you

Would my heart not have gone astray
Had you not loved me this way?
Or am I only imagining
I could ever cause your heart to sing

Would you leave so I could come?
Can I be your only one?
Is there something in the air
Which makes me cleave to you so?

Finding thoughts inside my heart
I can’t tear myself apart
And I ask myself to where
To whom, and when must I go...?

The Truth About Truth

2009-07-15T07:30:00.007-04:00

Now, I am no great and wonderfully intelligent modern-day philosopher. I am not even that well read in all these philosophy books that a lot of y'all debate people have read a million times before. I'm just your average person with a worldview that doesn't necessarily coincide with the norm, and is therefore hard to explain. Nonetheless, I will try my best, if you try your best to understand.

First of all, I believe 100% that there is Absolute Truth. Do NOT misunderstand me. I believe there is a Divine Power, aka God the Father/Son/Holy Spirit, who knows the real truth, the real right, and the real wrong.

However, I am going to throw some "howevers" into this statement.

Each person believes what he or she believes, correct? And each person believes that what they believe is true. If they didn't believe it was true, they wouldn't believe it, would they? No. That is just impossible. But, not everybody believes the exact same thing. Many people even have drastically different beliefs.

There are some people who do not even believe there is a God, and don't even believe in absolute truth because of that.

So, what is truth?

J, F.K.A. Jos, F.K.A. and A.K.A.I.T.R.W. (In The Real World) Jonathan, brought up a simple situation of Coke. The instance was, he belives Coke is "well-used dishwater", while I believe it is a delicious soda that I would like to drink right now. Who is right? Most of you would probably agree with me, I know. But does that make it Truth? No, majority does not make something true (shocker). Jonathan could perform many science experiements to prove that Coke is as good for you to drink as dark, greasy dishwater, and it would make sense. But does that make it Truth? No, because even if it all seems great and amazing, dishwater and Coke are simply not going to be the same substance...and if that isn't the issue, then something else will be, guaranteed. If we kept up the Coke vs. Dishwater debate, we would be at it till the day we kill each other (like most people with strong religious and political views...heh...).

That said, I say that only God knows whether Coke is soda or dishwater. Of course, if you don't believe in God or any Divine Power, this is a faulty assumption. And THAT can keep going around and around in a circle, much like the coke/dishwater debate above.

So, perhaps by now you might understand a little why I say that everybody has their own Truth. Because whatever is true to someone is their Truth. There is absolutely no way to know what is true until Kingdom come, right? That is MY opinion, anyway. Of course, some people don't think that "Kingdom" is coming.

The only thing I would hate in this situation is to be Agnostic. I don't want to insult anyone, but here goes my opinion on Agnosticism. I would never want to be Agnostic, because...nothing would be true, even for me. Other religions have their Truth, and Atheists have their Truth...there is no God. At least there is something sure to believe in. But as an Agnostic, I would never be quite sure about anything, and be very confused and never able to make up my mind.

Now, I know some of you are probably thinking that MY views on Truth are borderline Agnostic. That's fine, you can believe that. You can also go ahead with all of that "It's not very Christian to believe this way; after all, if you're such a doormat about what is true, how are you ever going to help anyone get saved?" I don't mean to disregard this; it is a valid point.

First of all, I believe that what I believe is THE Truth, no matter what. With that foundation, therefore, I can go out and advocate all I can. The same with choosing sides for a debate, except that, since Christianity is such an important part of my life, there is much more emotion involved than just a simple "Am I arguing 'for' or 'against' in this round?" I have experienced God, his love, mercy, salvation, and sanctification in the most amazing ways in the past three years. I don't know how I would have ever gotten on had I denied my need for my Savior any longer. And there is definitely no way I could have had such a radical life change had God's hand not been there for me to hold as he helped me up out of that dumpster of a life. There, I have my (abridged) testimony. And, if you think about it, that is basically all I can give. I believe that science can prove God created the earth in 7 days, but lots of people believe the scientific evidence that suggests evolution...I could go on.

Plus, if you think about it, our charge is to spread the Gospel wherever we go, not persuade people with our amazing sales pitches on Christianity. I'm going to "show and tell" them, "this is what I believe. This is why I believe it. This is how I live what I believe. And I would love for you to experience the joy and freedom I have found in Christ, because I care about you." Then it's up to them to decide whether to accept my Truth as their Truth. That is what I meant at the end of my last entry when I said, "I have my Truth, and it may not be your Truth, but it's mine. I wish it could be everyone's Truth, but it can only be your truth if you want it to be."

So, NOW do you see?

~Jessica

Peace sells, but...

2009-07-03T13:51:00.004-04:00

Is it a sin to long for the simplicities of youth? Grow up, Jessica. Be a real person in the real world. But why is the real world so full of confusion and complication? Why is everyone so selfish and single-minded? Why must we all disagree, argue, interfere, and destroy?

Expressing these thoughts to other human beings is pretty much impossible. I know you are all laughing. Silly, sheltered homeschooler. Grow up. THIS is reality. Peace is a dream; don't bother with the idea too much. As they say, peace sells but nobody's buyin'.

I like my box. Why do I even need to bother caring whether the government is out to get us or not? What does it matter to me? I suppose, to a degree, it is nice to be able to understand what is going on and, as Allison says, who to trust; maybe when is a good time to react to something that isn't right, or perhaps relocate someplace where I might live a more quiet and peaceful life with no outside interferences.

I really don't care what other people think of me, as long as they keep any negative thoughts to themselves. It's not as if I want to be childish and avoid the responsibilities of being an adult. I want to live, and work, and help people, and get married, and have children. I want a simple life, with little or no interference from outside parties. I only wish I could travel to and live in England for a year. But I can't. I have to have some "legitimate" "reason" which, I suppose, will prove if I am not a criminal or some such nonsense as that. Call me ignorant if you want to, but what sort of crime are they trying to avoid? And why aren't passports enough? If someone commits a crime in England, they should be tried in England, correct? Why does anybody have to be a citizen of anywhere? If you are somewhere, that is where you are, and if you aren't, then you are somewhere else.

But it's not that way. Government systems tese days prevent it. People are in power and want as much control as they can get. Laws are created, wars are started...whatever "needs" to be done.

If children ruled the world, think about how much better things would be. Those who committed wrong would be punished for it by being made to repay 100% to the person they had wronged, and that includes compensation for inconvenience and whatever else was caused by the original wrong. That is "an eye for an eye." You don't take out your wrong-doer's eye just to punish him for taking out yours. You remove the eye and use his eye as your own! Okay, that is a little absurd...as in, impossible. But you know what I mean. If someone kills somebody else, they themselves should not be killed; they should be indebted to the victim's family for life. The family can choose to hunt the murderer down and kill him, or they can make him into a personal slave, or whatever they want. Killing someone is hardly a punishment...that puts them out of their misery, end of story. Even a life in prison isn't the same, because the murderer does not compensate to the family for his wrong. Sure, a life can never be replaced or paid for. But if we're talking "eye for an eye" here, that was never meant to mean that if you kill somebody, you should likewise be killed. It's unreasonable.

I'm not saying that the world would be flawless if children ruled it, but it may be better off. Perhaps we would have equal rights for society and government alike. Kids have a good degree of common sense and of right and wrong that we really don't give them credit for. What we have now is a bunch of power-hungry fascist law school graduates who constantly theorize illogically and think they have all the answers. That doesn't make me very comfortable.

But!!! I just don't even care. I like my box. In it, there's me, my friends and family, others whom I must interact with, and the life I live. I pay taxes when necessary, and I drive on roads, drink clean water, appreciate the comfort of the fire station up the street, etc. I don't care whether this is operated by the government or a private organization, as long as whoever it is stays out of my business. It's okay to be informed, but I really don't even want to care. I am here on this earth with a deeper purpose than government. I am here for God. And if that isn't relevant to something, I shouldn't spend too much time worrying about that something.

I have my Truth, and it may not be your Truth, but it's mine. I wish it could be everyone's Truth, but it can only be your truth if you want it to be.

~Jessica

Disorientation

2009-06-16T09:30:00.001-04:00

Father, I cry out for you
For all the these years I cried out for other things
And now I don’t expect you to do anything for me
But you’ve shown me I am desperate
In your arms only am I whole
All this time your love pours out for me
And only now do the bells of nothing toll
If you would only lead me
Like I felt you were
What happened? Did you leave me?
No, I only left you
My heart is elsewhere
Was it ever here?
Even if it was, it was never yours
Why could I never give it to you?
Now you are showing me that I need you
How I need you, and want you more than anything
Please hear my call
You are all there is now
It took too long to realize that I should have never settled for less
I told you before that I was yours
Deceived myself, but not you
I’ve told you that I love you
But I’ve been holding out
And now I don’t know if I even know how to love you
You are all I want
All I need
All there is here
Without you, everything is nothing
I seek you out on specific things
But never on the whole
Never made the core of the matter you
My house was well-structured
Beautiful, strong, study architecture
But I built it with no foundation
Floods came and destroyed it all
You are my Master Builder
I know nothing about building
All I can do is trust in you
I wrote to him once
In a poem never put in a letter
That if he wanted my heart, he could have it
Little did I know I had already given it to him
And I hardly knew it should only be yours
Is it too late to give you my all?
Is my broken heart scattered too far and wide?
If I pick up the fragments, can you put me back together?
I am not worthy!
I have seen that I am still giving myself away
Only worrying about betraying my husband
With kisses which should have never been given or accepted
But I betray YOU with my wayward heart and worldly affections
Why do I cling to someone else
When you are inside of me?
I have broken your heart a million times
And I’ll do it a million more
Lord, help me give it ALL to you!
Not one or two parts I think are important
My heart is my core – my essential
If that is not yours, nothing is
This disorientation is because I’ve lost sight of you
Where are you? I must find you, oh Lord
I love you, don’t I? If I don’t, I am nothing
Your cross...I put you there
I would not have cried; I would have mocked and jeered
Yet you love me enough to die
And show me how empty I am
Lord, I am truly empty now
And I you will not come; I must seek you out
I love you so, but I want so much
Clear out the clutter of all my desires
I want only you and I want only what you want
Save me, oh my Lord
I know you have...I need not ask
I believe, God. I beleive in the cross
I believe it all
I believe I do not know things
And I know it is important to know them
I lay myself at your feet
Lift me up, and hold me close
I want to love you as you love me
Let me look into your eyes and get lost in their beauty
Then only will I truly know, see, find, and be found.

So it Begins...

2009-06-06T11:01:00.003-04:00

A year and two weeks ago I graduated from high school. It is strange, looking back, how much has changed in only a year! Actually, it's more scary than strange. It doesn't feel like much has changed; I feel the same. But if I think about...um...everything...lots of things are different. For instance...this time last year, I had no knowledge about how amazing Sweeny Todd is! Or the awesomeness of Evita! Even those two musicals have turned out to somehow affect me more than music normally does, that is only the surface of what has happened in the past year.

Directly after graduating, I was the same old me, I guess. But the thing was, after I graduated, it was a little hard to get my thoughts together. I had this feeling like I couldn't quite grip the floor to walk on it, and that cold air was being blown in one ear, through every nook and cranny of my brain, and out the other ear. I don't know if this is the experience of everybody, or only people like me who, at that time, have no idea what their life's direction is. Or if one even existed for me at all.

I learned a lot. Have I mentioned that? I learned about freedom, serving, God, love, relationships, friendships, music, family....so many, many, many, many things.

By the time I turned 18 in August, I had my head on straight enough to not freak out. If I had turned 18 when I was 14, this would not have been the case, but there is a reason why I was not 18 when I was 14. Still, a few days after turning 18 and starting my classes at Wake Tech, the temptations started pouring in out of nowhere like a giant vat of hot water in the sky got knocked over by someone. Let's go clubbing. Let's go to a bar. Let's smoke. I was almost lured in by the attractiveness of the "in crowd", the "cool people" who were "experienced." (Yes, those were a lot of quotation marks.) I don't know how I could have even for a moment considered wasting my time, energy, money, and brain power for an experience. An experience that would cause me to compromise myself an hundred times in the duration of five minutes. I thought about doing it without my parent's permission at first. After all, I was 18! I could do what I wanted to. But...after a little thought, I didn't want to rebel. It did nothing but give me a sick feeling all over. I told my parents, and to my surprise they said I could do what I wanted to, though reminded me that they didn't think it was the best idea. It didn't take much more thought to decline my invitations of "cool" status, and get on with my life.

In January I decided not to take classes in the spring semester. I was tired of classes, especially since I was taking them without much of a clue as to where I was going in life (STILL). Somewhere along the way, though, I sat down with my parents and discussed it all. What did I want to do? Well, I really like writing. I'd really like to write a book; preferably more than one. They agreed that, if I took my writing seriously, with my goals in mind, I could do that. And another thing - I wanted to be a mom, right? Right. Then, there was one thing I needed to learn: how to be one. I needed to learn more than just the basics of cooking, cleaning, and teaching. Thus, I became, essentially, my mother's apprentice. This has since developed into a split thing with my dad, since not only am I doing a little on-the-side bookkeeping for him, I am now working part time. At this moment I feel bad because I am not getting as much done for my mom as I originally intended to, but I am working on better time management. If anybody has any book or website suggestions on time management and all-around organization skills, I would be much obliged if you would mention them.

I have learned a ton about God this year. The main thing is that he is NOT just a shoulder to cry on or somebody I must resign myself to sharing my deepest thoughts with simply because I don't feel like I can tell anybody on earth. I have learned more and more to appreciate what he has done for us. How amazing his plan is. He raised up the Israelites so that eventually they would help him save everyone. I realized I can't give God anything he doesn't already have, even if the thought counts, because he gave me that thought. I finally learned that works are for sanctification, but only belief can justify you. And if you obey God, it's not for you; it is for his pleasure. I don't know how I could have been so selfish to be constantly asking what the reason I have to obey God is, if I already believe in him and will be going to heaven. I mean, I still wanted to do those things, but there was always the question of why. And the only answer I could come up with was the half-baked "well, works must count for something; I'll probably get some trophies in heaven." NO!!!!! How could I have been so selfish?!??!?! Works are for the good of mankind, and - primarily - to make God happy! He has given me everything, and I don't even take the time out of my day to think that I might like to do something to make him happy. I can't believe how ignorantly human I have been. And another thing John Stonestreet (second favorite person now besides Jeff Meyers) said: "Look at it this way - the world was so bad, so terrible......that God died."

Love and relationships! Whoo-hoo. Every year I grow a little wiser, I suppose, so that by some time soon I might actually be wise enough to get married. This year, I learned a few very significant things. One is that lust is bad. Yes, I knew that, but I knew not what lust really was. I thought it was something guys did. Then I thought it may somehow include lusting about romantic happenings. But now I realize it encompasses so much more. A guy's cute face...staring at it...thinking about how cute he is...that is lust. Dreaming about how a guy can satisfy you emotionally...that is lust. I'm not trying to be legalistic here; the biggest thing about lust is it is an idol, and takes away from our passion for God. We are concentrating on other things; things which distract from his glory. And, really, it's not only lustful and idolatrous, but also covetous. I will touch on this and others in later entries, most likely, so I will briefly mention other things I have learned in this category: close, one-on-one friendships with the opposite sex are not a good idea. I'm not saying it's bad to be friends with the opposite sex; even good friends. But when you get closer than that...let's just say for now that it is not a good setup for things in the future. I definitely will touch on that in another entry. Before moving on, I want to mention one more thing I've learned: Eventually, the amazing and very popular-with-the-giggly-girls-who-bat-their-eyes-and-twirl-their-hair guys with swishy hair DO notice the quiet, bookish, introverted, non-flirtatious girls after all, even if only for a moment. :)

This year I have finally realized who my true friends are. They are wonderful true friends; the best in the world. For the first time in my life I have girl friends whom I can pour out my heart to, share everything with, and know they will understand and do the same. I respect and love these girls with all of my heart. I have guy friends, too, and while they are the best guy friends I could ever ask for, pouring my heart out to THEM is another matter addressed in the paragraph above; as in, I don't. Nonetheless, I still love them like brothers. Together we are one big happy family and I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.

Music may seem a little less profound than the other subjects, but it is a major change. In late May I wrote my first real song on the piano, after having written songs only on guitar for the past 3 years or so. I really like the song I wrote, and after I wrote it, I decided that perhaps my family would like me to play more on the piano besides that one song, even though it was the only one I really knew besides little bits of Mozart and chopsticks here and there. So I played a little "Moon River" here and some "Fancier Chopsticks" there (the latter was me making an attempt at sheet music reading, which didn't go off to well). Finally, in mid-June I went to a play that my friends were in, and where another friend of ours played piano during intermission. That piano playing made me think it would be interesting to write a instrumental piece on the piano. 5 days later, that little 3-minute piece was completed, and I liked it well enough. After this, I started to write more. Since then I have only completed one other instrumental piece, but I have many other very long musical ideas ready for completion whenever the inspiration strikes me. I have written a few more songs on the piano, and a couple more on guitar. I also got a tin whistle in August for my birthday, and have been picking that up as well. I got a violin for Christmas, but at this moment posses absolutely no talent for the instrument, so I am on the lookout for instructional materials.

Family...!! I already loved my family, but now I love them even more. That is really all I need to say.

Things haven't been all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Fortunately, I seem to be able to look back and remember most easily the things that were good. I remember some of the bad things, too, but only things that were really, significantly unfortunate. I didn't remember how mad I was at some people at some point, until I looked back at my journal during that time. And I can see that I was mad just because I was being immature. Yes, they were also being immature, but I was just as bad, probably worse. But all in all, I remember the good things, and only the good outcome from the not-so-good things. I believe I am a better person than I was a year ago. Yeah, it sounds all serious. I promise to write more [less serious stuff] this summer. This fall is.....going to be extremely hectic if I don't get things under control before they begin. But I know that if I trust God to lead and guide me day-by-day, everything will all fall into place.

Thus begins another year of growing, changing, and shaping for me. I don't know what doors are going to open, which ones are going to close, and which ones are going to stay open and stay closed. God has been with me more and more as this past year has progressed. I know that this next year will continue that trend, even through the challenges. And I say: bring it on!

Of Weddings (and wanting to have one myself)

2009-05-31T10:04:00.002-04:00

Yesterday a friend of mine was married. To a really great guy. Her entire courtship, engagement, and wedding seemed to kind of “hit home” to me more than I thought they would. She is only a few years older than me. I have known her ever since we were little. The guy came from a good family who was friends with her family long before the courtship. My friend had placed her love story in God’s hands, knowing that if she was to be married, the right man would come along and ask her. And he did. All of this made me realize that perhaps marriage isn’t just a dream of mine that will never come true because it is just too wonderful. My friend’s wedding seemed so real for me. Weddings are no longer what “older people have.” It is hard to describe this feeling, but I am sure that at least Lizzie knows how I feel. ;)

The first eleven or so years of my life, I just accepted that one day I would get married to a man. Not a boy, a man. Surely much like my dad (I still hold that ideal, thank you very much). When I turned 12...yeah, you’ve heard that story before. What can I say? I’m only 18 ½, so I only have that many years to draw stories from. But anyway, I started “liking” boys, and thought that the first boy I liked and I would start dating once I told him that I liked him, and then when I graduated from high school we would get married. He was four or five years older than me, and I was a foolish little girl, but that is alright now. A little bit later, around 13 and 14, I was so boy crazy that I didn’t care to see the end of anything. I wanted them to love me, possibly date them, and hope for the best. I didn’t listen to my parents, who were attempting to teach me the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”-ish approach. At least they had the power to say that I could not go on dates, and at least they kept me in their eyesight most of the time. So, yes. That story again. All of it to say that ever since I turned 17, I reverted back to “someday I am going to be married to a man.” Of course, I have had a few ideas of men or almost-men for God to destine for me. And every time I suggest someone he says, “Oh, yes, yes, that is nice,” nods absentmindedly, and gets on with HIS ideas. Like a writer who doesn’t want to take suggestions from his non-writer friends who don’t know how to write stories (I am not pointing any fingers, really!).

But along with the “someday” feelings, I have also felt an urgency to get married now. Have children now. I know, it is my biological clock, but it is a sometimes intolerable longing. It was worry...what if I never get married? What if I need to help God along and go hang out with some nice guys so I can have plenty of future husband options (I can’t decide if that is the stupidest idea I have ever had or not)? Everything was worry, anxiousness, not trusting God at all. I thought I was, but I wasn’t.

However, one night after a Radical Wednesday prayer meeting, some of us went out for subs afterwards, as the curse of being teenagers, athletes, and swimmers on top of that, is a triple-high metabolism than your average Joe (in other words, we are ALWAYS hungry, it seems). Kara and I, after food and drink, were much rejuvenated, so towards the time when we were about to leave, we started carrying on a conversation about life, as we often do. I won’t give you all the details of the conversation, but what I walked away with was her advice, straight from the Bible – “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” She added, “Sometimes, though, by delighting yourself in the Lord, your desires will change. But that is good, because your desires become HIS desires. And if you desire what the Lord wants for you, he WILL give you the desires of your heart!” Light bulb moment.

Since then, day-by-day I have delighted myself more and more in the Lord. He has shown me how to be content with what I am doing, instead of longing for something in the future. There is so much to do NOW, how could I not see it before?

God has not taken away my desire to get married. But he has carefully led me to a place where I know that marriage, for me, is for another time in my life. Soon, but not right now. Not till it is staring me right in the face, in fact. God showed me how to take the desire, put it aside, and focus on what IS in front of me. Working for my dad, helping my mom, writing, music, learning, being with friends, swimming, thinking, EVERYTHING I have at my fingertips right now. Marriage will be at my fingertips when the time comes. And I will know when the time comes, because, like all the things in my life now, I won’t have to seek it out. God will show me. It’s not like I am being lazy, saying “I am just going to sit here and be a religious couch potato till God’s will is right here in front of me.” But I understand that God’s will is something he reveals to me as I keep getting to know him more and more. I will seek his face, and everything else will follow. He wants me to trust him fully, not trust myself and my finding-out-what-life-is-for-on-my-own skills (which, I have discovered, are severely lacking). Every time I try to do something myself, I fail. I mean, it’s not like God cleans my room for me now or something. I do stuff here on earth. But I do it because I am supposed to; because God has made his will clear to me. I’m no prophet, though, of course. I don’t always get it right, and I mess up time and time again. It is so hard to describe this sensation. When I fall back on God, everything is clear and I know instinctively what to do.

It just IS. Does that make any sense?

Proverbs 3:5, 6 – “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

~Jessica

Residing

2009-05-03T19:07:00.001-04:00

Music and lyrics by Jessica

(Verse One)
Carry me home
Where is home to me anyway
A lonely old house
Surrounded by new buildings

The world is
At a beginning but at an end
I do not know
Will you show me the way

(Channel)
Confiding, residing
But washed away with tears
I know that you know
I’m losing all I hold dear

(Chorus)
Where will I go
Now that I know
Somebody loves me

How will I find
Someone who’s mine
Lives up to the way

(Verse Two)
Am I done here
But is here really here at all
A river of thoughts
Watch as it’s drained away

(Channel Two)
Losing, choosing
Memories carried away
You know that I know
It’s not safe, I can’t stay

(Chorus)

(Channel Three)
Abiding, Confiding
But blown away by the breeze
Oh no, don’t you go
I’m asking begging you please

(Bridge)
I’ll sail away
Will you follow me
As I’m leaving you
Nothing to say
Can’t you just agree
There’s nothing for us to do
But let it go…

Against Solitude

2009-04-27T11:03:00.005-04:00

You may be wondering..."if there is a part one to 'On Optimism', surely there must be a part two, but then again, Jessica is apt to defy logic on a regular basis." First of all, HUMPH!! Second of all, yes, there will be a part two. I just actually have to sit down and write it, which I haven't done. This next entry is a small writing assignment I completed over breakfast last Tuesday morning.

Before now I have greatly commended solitude as something which I enjoy enjoying. But there is a downside. There is probably a downside to everything, but most of those downsides I would rather not think about. I will acknowledge that it is good to be honest and realistic on some downsides, especially if in doing so I am kept or keep someone else from harm, one way or another.

So it is with solitude. I can tell myself, "Oh, yes, I can live alone in the middle of nowhere. I would enjoy it; I don't need people." But, for one thing, I would have no idea whether I was being true to myself by saying that. I have never tried living completely alone. It might be nice for a while, but surely I would get lonely. A second point is that even if I don't need people...what if people need me? Not to think of myself in such a great light or anything. The thing is that nobody may actually be aware that they need me, but they still do, somehow. If it isn't my direct help, then it may be at least some subtle influence or another. My goal is to lead as many people to Christ as possible while on this earth. That is really what life is all about; everything else is about having fun and/or surviving, and then surviving only to have fun, or to hang on to life for some odd reason. Some do, however, strive for their own lives so they may continue to keep their children alive and protect their wives and things like that.

But what is the point of living if, when you die, you go to heaven? Why do even Christians value their earthly lives? Why do we do things like eat healthily and organically and avoid other things that don't severely hinder our life's course if we are going to die anyways, and when we die we have eternal life in Christ? Without the answer, it all seemed so pointless. I guess if you don't believe in God or heaven, and you believe that your only life here is on this earth, and when you die you go nowhere, then it makes sense. To hold on to your life here as much as possible.

But what about Christians? And the only answer that has satisfied me is this: life is all about using where God has placed you, using the tools and gifts he has blessed you with to lead everyone possible to him. To spread the Gospel; to give everyone the hope of eternal life, and the chance to live in their own heaven-on-earth.

Now I get it! That is why I have always been hearing things like "Do EVERYTHING to the glory of God!" It's not some cheesy Christian saying that Christians say. It is absoltely true.

Thus, here is my argument: what good is solitute if it goes agains the meaning of life? Even if it's solitude with only one's family, what is the point of living in isolation? If it is to hide from economic crisis and an extremely overbearing and nigh evil government...why? To grow one's own food that is without the poisons that the FDA requires to be in all they approve? Good enough reasons, except...for what? Why? What is the point of trying so hard to survive, if you have no opportunity to preach the Good News? It is selfish, really. Why did I want it? I wanted it for me, and no one else.

Sure, I could justify it by saying, "Well, while I live out in the middle of nowhere all by myself, I will write books, and those can lead people to Christ." And that may very well be. And there is nothing wrong with a little solitude. Personally I would love to have a little country cottage on rolling hills with giant oak trees sprinkled here and there. But I would want it nearby to a community. I may be introverted, but I need people just as much as anybody else. God created us as social beings. He knew Adam could not just live on earth by himself. Adam needed Eve not just to be "fruitful" with, but also (and more importantly) as a companion on earth.

Therefore I am against solitude with all my heart. Being alone occasionally and in small doses is fine, but isolation? No. We were not created for isolation.

On Optimism, Part One

2009-04-20T19:32:00.003-04:00

I have wondered, this past week or so, why I always seem to automatically look at the bright side of things. It wasn't as if a year or two or however long ago I said to myself, "In order to be happier and improve my outlook on life, from now on I will always look at the bright side of any given situation." It just happens; I just do. And I have begun to think that the reason is some combination of events in my life thus far. Vague, huh? Let me try and explain...

When I was very young I would often go to my Grammy and Papa's (and then, Aunt Sue-Sue's) house. Okay, I still do that, but for some reason it seems like I did it more a long time ago. Anyways....whatever the occasion, other relatives would often stop by. They would talk, and I would listen (I wouldn't look like I was listening, but I was, indeed). I picked up on a lot of stuff, but one thing remains most prominent. It was some celebration in the summer, 4th of July or thereabouts, and I was probably five or six. Some guy-cousin or uncle, I can't remember, was explaining some long story to my Grammy as I had come inside the kitchen to cool off for a bit. I can't remember what the story was, exactly, but I remember it being interesting. After he finished telling the story, what my Grammy said next, while I filled up a glass of water at the refrigerator, was what has stuck for the past 13 or 14 years: "Wow...isn't it amazing how God always has a plan to eventually work out even the bad stuff for good?" I meditated on this as I trumped back outside. What if God really did? I might have to wait a long time to find out!

It was a year or two later that I found out that this was a Bible verse (Thanks to Hide Him in Your Heart!), and like I said, it stuck with me. I began noticing little child-like/childish things after a while. Nothing huge, of course. But I was always of the opinion that it was the coolest thing ever! (besides Beanie Babies and Juicy Juice, of course).

I appeared to abandon the idea, however, as I took the rough ride into teenager-hood. From ages 11 1/2 to almost 16, hormones started off on a bad nerve with me. And if life seemed full of despair and desperation for me, I am a thousand percent sure that I made life complete hell for my parents. At about age 14, I distinctly remember taking great pride in my decisive pessimism. I was a pessimist! I got angry about everything! I really did, I am sure of it. After all, I had to walk and talk the talk of my half punk/half grunge-goth "identity." I thought I liked who I was, but in all honesty I have no memories of ever being truly happy and joyful at that time. Every journal entry was mad at somebody because I wasn't allowed to do something, and contained many schemes for rebelling and plans for all I would "accomplish" once I turned 18.

All of that to say firstly that I was horribly discontent and pessimistic, and secondly to apologize to everyone who was close to me during that stage. I am surprised you all stuck it through, and commend you for it!

But I suppose that, by the time I entered my Junior year, I had worn out most all of any pessimism I had been programmed with, besides the little healthy dosage left to make sure my life became dramatic at some points here and there so it remained "interesting." I was far from through being resurrected from the depths of despair, but it was at that time that I joined my current improv group, and made some really good friends on swim team (before that, everyone I knew on the team was just a casual friend). These two amazing groups of Godly people, along with the people I was already friends with at that time (those who stuck it through or stayed anyways, despite my entire existence being flawed at the time), and my wonderful family, dug me out of the hole I was in - by hand - and held me up to towards the Light; towards my heavenly Father. Slowly, but surely, I have been changing for the better, with the help of them. MOST importantly my parents, who never gave up on me and NEVER let me stray off completely to sell my soul to the world.

Now I can see, though, that even as I completely and utterly regret those cursed year, wishing they had never happened, I can see that there are so many things that would not have happened and so many mistakes made later, were my wish to come true. The consequences might be something as horrible as death or causing great shame to my family. I may have gone off to college and fallen too far, without the desire for the help of godly friends or parental influence. I might have never had the amazing opportunity of joining the Unintentionals. Had I not been SO depressed at one point that my mother insist I join the homeschool swim team and swim all my frustrations out, I would not have the greatest group of friends on the entire planet. And so much more!

In other words, where would I be??? The outcome is unimaginable, even for me.

So that, my dear friends (old friends, swim team friends, improv friends, and new friends....I love you all!), is one grand reason I am so entirely optimist all the time. Even though something looks hopeless, I can almost guarantee it is NOT. I wasn't hopeless, was I? I might as well have seemed very much so; the 13-year-old kid who dresses as grungily as she can and looks as angry as possible for her first therapy session in order to attempt to scare the psychologist off? Yup, that is bad. But now I am pretty sure my happiness level is consistently at about 98.5%, nearly all the time. If I am not a miracle (not to sound full of it or anything) then I don't know what is. Thanks so much, everyone, for everything!

~Jessica

This Morning

2009-04-06T09:08:00.005-04:00

The clouds are still grey with a hint of blue in them. The fresh dogwood blooms are dampened by the early morning rain, and are dripping and drooping towards the lush, wet grass. Sparrows call and finches chirp, calling the sun out from the shadows where it sleeps. The softest breeze kisses the pine branches enough to induce droplets to tumble down, and the maple branches dance as the horizon grows brighter and brighter with every call of the waxwing. The colors of Springtime are now illuminated fully as the orange rays spill over the grass. Yet the sun shrinks back. A tossing wind stirs the branches now, and then stops again.

I smell the wetness of the yard through my window as the sun attempts to show its face again. But alas, it is for a mere second before it seems I only imagined the rays. And then...light! Beautiful sunshine! Here to stay...but gone again.

It is fascinating how every day seems to be the same, but then it is different also. Each day something happens, and the next day I think differently of everything than I did the day before, after my dreams cultivate in my brain. My opinions don't change much, for I am not some wet blanket or another. But even one mild event in one day can change an entire outlook in the next. A friend and I long for childhood again, dress up in long skirts, and go take a midnight walk, stopping only to lay in a hammok to gaze longingly at the stars. We talk of the future, of hopes and desires, and we make promises to each other all over again. Another friend writes and reminds me of the life ahead of me; how the key to it is to simply walk through the open door, no matter how daunting the doorway is. A book I chanced upon finally makes it all clear, that my idleness and idolatry are in vain. My family is proof that there really is no place like home.

The direction does not have to be 100% clear. The end does not have to be visable. Then how am I supposed to know what is right? Instinct is as trustworthy as stranger's casual opinion. But God is good, and he has blessed me thus far. Just because I cannot see does not mean I am walking blindly. It would be better to lose my sight altogether; it would make me more fully rely on my Father, and acknowledge that he is the only one who really has the true ability to see anything.

Outside it has grown dark again, with only a hint of what brightness kept peeping out. But perhaps today is a day for clouds, and tomorrow the sun with shine.

~Jessica

WARNING: This post shall contain absolutely no philosophy.

2009-03-30T18:27:00.006-04:00

My, my, my.....

"Your what?"

*ahem* *starts over again* My, my, my, I think too much and blog too little. All my thoughts go straight to my head, and hardly any go on paper, or screen, or whatever. I was just thinking today how I love blogging, but blogging these days is going rather slow. Some people have completely converted to Facebook. I just simply re-post my blog posts on Facebook so that everyone is all happy (I have no idea if anyone actually reads them, but I can imagine that somebody along the way is happy). I think the thing is that Facebook statuses are like really short blog entries, where I can say one thing and it starts an entire controversy. It is really quite fascinating....5 seconds as opposed to 30 minutes to an hour of writing to create the same sort of response.

Anyways, I will move on to other things, as each entry these days seems to start off with a long and annoying disclaimer about how I have not written in a long time. At this moment, I am sitting in the kitchen, waiting for the chickens to reach 180 degrees inside and listening to the classical station on the radio. I was listening to Relient K as I have been in a Relient K mood all day for some odd reason. For the record, the album was "Five Score and Seven Years Ago", which I never really liked when it first came out because all the songs sounded the same and like all their other songs on their other CDs, thus driving me clinically insane and causing me not to endear myself to it at all, with the exception of "Must Have Done Something Right", or whatever it is. But after wanting to listen to that song in the first place, and having done so, deciding to listen to the entire album all the way through while stuffing things up chickens, and I don't mind it as much as I did. I can appreciate it lyrically. Yes, so I was listening to that, and then it ended, and I was too lazy to walk the 30 feet to my bedroom and get a new CD, so I turned on the classical station.

Have you ever noticed how chickens and Dickens rhyme? It's pretty cool.

Yesterday I went to a square dance and....guess what.....? I met some bloggy people and had TONS of fun! I love dancing SO much....I can't even explain the passion that burns uncontrollably through my being, to be poetic-ish about it.

I am getting a little tired of the people on the classical station asking for money. OKAY! It's back to music. You know, it's funny how I walked back to my room to get my computer but didn't get any music.

So I met Johnathan, AKA "Jos" in the blog world, and danced with him; I met Neil AKA Enil in the blog world and danced with him; and I met Abigail aka Abigail in the blog world, but did not dance with her, since she is a girl and all. :) Abigail is just as sweet as she is online, Johnathan has a REAL British accent!! and Neil is ever so Mr. Charming. After the square dance, Lizzie, Allison, Sarah, and I went back to Lizzie and Sarah's house, made food, frolicked in the meadow, (well, just the front yard), and then ate the food and watched "Pride and Prejudice." The new one. I like that one best, but the entire time all my comrades could talk about was how Colin Firth is so much better and better looking. Frankly I don't think that Colin Firth is any bit good-looking at all. The new Mr. Darcy is better and better looking. As usual, mine is an opinion that only the minority holds.

Ah! The chickens have completed their long journey in the oven.

Keeping in the theme of the title of this post........um......I cannot philosophize about anything. I am so incredibly boring that I cannot come up with anything else to write about. Okay, that is NOT TRUE. I hope. Actually, my mind is preoccupied with visions of chickens dancing in my head, so I think I must leave you now to tend to them (they are sitting and steaming or something now...I'm just following the directions like the Doughnut Man said to do). So long all mine faithful readers!

~Jessica

Poetic License

2009-03-27T23:21:00.003-04:00

As I have said many times before, this is my blog and I may do on it what I please. Hence I present to you a fairly long sort of "poem", which has absolutely no structure whatsoever, and while writing it I couldn't seem to draw any nice, poetic words or phrases out of myself, so it sounds like plain English to me. I also cannot think of anything to call it, so I am leaving it untitled:

Are you forever distant?

Have we become strangers?

Once so close...

But what is it that I long for?

I long for the closeness

Of one heart to another

Of two lives entwined

The deepest intimacy imagined

But do I really want it from you?

I think it is because we really were

Each other's exclusive sharers of life

That I cannot let what could have been go

Even if I know we aren't going the same way.

I wonder if I could ever love any

As much as I cared for you

When I was sure we wouldn't separate

And all my dreams would come true.

Why is it that I hold onto that emotion?

I thought I had lost it.

I am better without it.

You waltz in and I can't get you to go out

You are at my side for a moment

But I clasp onto you and you stay there for weeks

On my heart which seemed complete beforehand.

So now - how will I know whom I really love

And whom I only want to love?

Are our paths in life perpendicular?

Meeting you was only our lives intersecting

I must continue on; I cannot go back

You cannot go back

If we go back, we get nowhere

And I refuse to live my life going around a traffic circle!

You go your way, I'll go mine

We'll drift further away

I never held your hand nor your heart

Yet something is hard to let go.

And how could you have been holding some part of me

All the while I didn't know?

Seeing the bright, beaming light of matrimony

Staring me straight in my face

I often to do not remember my present youth.

Yet even in the short time of our acquaintance

I have changed and grown so much.

There is something about the time

Since the day I first saw you

That brought magic in my life

And I saw in front of my dreams-

Both those entertained and whose which entertained-

Reality bestowed upon me things I believed

Were to forever remain my fantasies.

Also my cold and blind heart has warmed

And I can see now, though not as clearly as I might.

Are you the influence? Or merely an association

Only along for a ride as I stand in the meadow

And let the strong breeze of disestablishment

Conquer me?

You are there, and you are gone.

Someday someone will be there and he will never leave.

He is not you, as I had naively hoped so intensely.

Hope can be so repulsive.

Have I not yet learned it must be avoided at all costs?

Names

2009-03-25T08:28:00.002-04:00

"What is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet: so Romeo would, were he not Romeo called."

Seriously. I have had just about enough debate with myself about this. "This what??" Okay, this: the notion that some Christians or Messianics or whoevers are better off in God's sight simply because they do not call him "God", but "Yahweh", and instead of "Jesus" they use "Yahshua." Oh, and let's not forget "Shaul" instead of "Paul", and "Yochanan" instead of "John." Now, personally I have nothing against anybody who uses the Hebrew names. I just don't think it should be a matter of who-is-holier-than-whom. As far as I am concerned, as long as we are all worshipping the same God, it doesn't matter what we call him, as long as it isn't something insulting.

All I can see is that this whole "making sure to call so-and-so by his real, Hebrew name" causes you to do is feel prideful that you are a better Christian or whatever than everyone else because you know God’s real name and you don’t ignorantly sin by calling Yahweh God. You know, if my name is translated to something completely different in another language, and I happen to go to say…Poland or somewhere and they address me differently, I am not going to mind. They are still talking to the same person. And I would hope that my friends over here in the states wouldn’t feel a sense of pride over the Poles because they say my name correctly, and therefore must be held in a higher regard by me. That is so stupid.

Still, it may not really be so much of a matter of pride as I think it is. I know it can be, because for a while (two or three months or so) after I learned the Hebrew names from some people I know (and love dearly, don't get me wrong) who prefer to use them, I felt a little high and mighty because I was "informed" on this matter and wasn't on the "ignorant" side of things, which contained the people who were using the wrong names of Jesus and God when addressing OUR heavenly Father. Yessiree, I was doing things RIGHT, they were WRONG, I was an "elite Christian" and they were just ordinary. And it was a sad, sad little...time. Now, I didn't think badly of anyone, really, so if you are anyone reading this blog don't assume that I looked down on you to the point of really thinking less of you...more like I was looking up on myself and thinking more of me, if that makes any sense. I was being foolish and immature, if nothing else!

Anyways, there is that Michael W. Smith song "You are Holy", which lists many of God and Jesus' names. He doesn't just have one, good grief!! It says, "He is Lord of Lords, He is King of Kings, He is mighty God, Lord of everything, He's Emmanuel, He's the great 'I AM', He's my Prince of Peace who is the Lamb, He's the living God, He's my saving grace, He will reign forever, He is ancient of days, He is the Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End; He's my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and friend; He's my Prince of Peace and I will live my life for you!" And that is just scraping the surface... :D

Christ Jesus.....Messiah Yahshua.....SAME THING. I can use one, I can use the other, I can use them interchangeably. The name "Jesus" is "Yahshua" in Greek. In Mexico, "Jesus" is pronounced "Hey-suse" (I'm pretty sure). It's the same guy. He just happened to be born in Israel, and God happened to choose the Israelites as his people before Jesus came to save everyone, so of course the original is Hebrew. But if God had chosen the Greeks or Jesus had been born in Greece, they would have different names.

Now I am just going to take a deep breath and rest comfortably in the fact that whatever I feel like calling my heavenly Father at the time (usually "my heavenly Father"), is FINE. I hate looking down on others for any reason. Pride is not good. The Bible says that. The Bible does not say thou shalt call thine Maker by His one real name or thou shall burn in the firey furnace of.....you-know-where.

Ah. A blog entry completed at long last! Sweet bliss....

~Jessica

before the storm

2009-03-19T19:04:00.004-04:00

by Jessica

As a black cloud decends

and a chilling wind

sifts wildly through the trees

an hundred ravens seen high above

catch their wings on the air

and spill from the North

towards the lighter horizon

where the sun gives the impression

of setting in the stroke of a peach cloud

against a pale blue sky.

Could I Really be Afraid of Commitment?

2009-03-15T11:22:00.005-04:00

Commitment....life....huh......what?? Oh, as in, the present? Sorry, I forgot I was existing for a tiny bit.

Life has been a strange hullabaloo of nonsense flying past me at the speed of light lately, and I haven't quite gotten a grip of where I am again. I guess this may be a pattern that might have been noticed by some people who notice things like that, but I don't know.

First of all, I have gotten a Facebook. Now you can all bring your palms up to your foreheads and smack accordingly, groaning, "Ooooooohhhhhhhhh, duh, that is your problem." Yes, I have joined the ranks of the Facebookians who have had their brains sucked into the black hole of Facebook. I am now of the opinion that Facebook is just another ploy of the High Elite to take over our minds and ultimately control us. And I am completely serious about that.

Much musing has mingled in my mind of late, involving just about everything under the sun, and at night the moon. I am unfortunately cursed to be one of those people who always second-guesses themselves at every turn. You probably figured that out too. I guess I am not comfortable with making final decisions. I make them, and then I go back on them. I make new ones again, saying "This time I am really going to stick with this!!" and then something interferes with my brain frequencies and causes them to contort in some way or another, and then I fail before really even beginning.

But you know what??? I am going to stick with something this time, no matter what.

Of course, I will always be second-guessing myself; the idea might not always seem the most attractive, in fact it might look downright rotten at times; I will think of or come by something else more attractive and really want to switch over again; I will probably get jealous of what everyone else is doing and how much fun they are having and how successful they are being. But you know what? That is how life is. That is how all commitments are. That is how - and this is the biggie - marriage is. Think of it! Marriage isn't always in the fast-lane with romance happening all the time or anything crazy like that. You have to choose, like Lizzie has said, to love this man, and love your children when you have them, most of the time. Marriage isn't something you back out of just because you're unsure of it, it's going a little rough at the moment, another guy comes along whom you think you would rather be with, or someone else's marriage looks like it is going much smoother and you have no hope for your own...any number of things. It is immature to think that way. Sure, when you were a little kid, if you got tired of one toy you went and played with another. Even if you had a favorite toy at home and you went to the store with your grandma or something and saw the latest something-or-other on the shelf and wanted it, she (being your grandma) would buy it for you and that would be your latest and greatest favorite till you got tired of it. You may have returned to your old favorite, or gotten a new toy, but whatever it was, excessive toys teach nobody commitment.

Great. Now I won't let my kids play with toys either. They are just going to hate me. No television, no videogames, no toys...what's next? Maybe I should lay off thinking about child neurology and psychology for a while.

I mean, I was that way, especially with books. I'm still that way with books. There are just too many good books to read and I read so slowly I just want to start them all at once. Of course then I can't finish them any faster. It's crazy. I have some really bad habits. Darn it.

You know, I can look at commitment as existing with God or without God. And there just seems to be so much more hope if I factor God into the picture! Otherwise it is just little me trying to find my way in life all by myself, never knowing what is right, getting easily distracted, wondering excessively, among many other dreadful, anxious feelings. But when I remember that God is there to lead me, I am just filled with "the peace that passes all understanding!" I know that I can't go wrong by God. The only way I can screw up is on my own accord. I have PROOF that God will lead my way if I just put my head down and follow blindly. Granted, I am sure everyone is some degree or another of sick and tired of hearing my story when I was 12 or so and got lost in the Henderson's woods. But here it is again (leaving out the part about the coyote and how I got lost in the first place): I tried to find my way back several times, and finally I came to a road. I didn't know what road it was, but I thought surely it would lead back to their house. I walked forever in both directions and got nowhere. BTW, the Hendersons live in the middle of nowhere on a huge piece of property, just for your general information. Finally after who knows how long of hopeless deliberating with myself, and feeling like God was saying to go back in the woods and he would lead me home (but I didn't want to because of the coyote and if I just went back in the woods I would get lost all over again), I decided to listen to the voice in my head. I literally put my head down and walked in some direction or another, not even bothering looking where I was going. I walked in a straight line for probably 15 minutes, and then...lo and behold....the Henderson's cow pasture!!!!! I climbed the fence, ran up the hill, climbed the other fence, and my dad was just coming out of the house and I burst into tears and really sentimental piano-and-strings music started to play and it was all happy................yeah.

All of that to say that I know I can do it again with the rest of my life, as uncertain and hopeless as it seems. God has blessed me so much in my life already with opportunities I could not have dreamed up if I was given a million years just to sit and ponder the possibilities. In the words of the Gettys: "Don't let me lose my wonder!"

Ah, I feel all better inside! My brain has resurrected itself, I believe. Now, on to productivity!!!

~Jessica

The Finch Family

2009-03-08T03:38:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time there was a family whose name was Finch.

Mrs. Finch was exceedingly fond of large hats, particularly the kinds with extravagant plumes in them. The bigger the hat and the bigger the plume was all the better for her. She was always on the lookout for hats, plumes, and hats with plumes which surpassed the ones she already owned in size. Her biggest fear was that someone in the world owned a hat and plume bigger than her biggest one, and that she would be put to terrible shame by this person, whoever it might be.

Mr. Finch appreciated bow ties, but only white ones with black polka dots, or black ones with white polka dots. You may think that there is not much variety in only liking bowties of those natures, which would make Mr. Finch rather boring in his like of bowties; but in fact there are many, many different types of black bowties with white polka dots and white bow ties with black polka dots.

Greta Finch was the eldest girl and the eldest child in the immediate Finch family. She had straight dark brown hair down to her thighs and light green eyes which always seemed to be focused elsewhere from the present. She appreciated two things: books, and reading them. If she was not reading, she was arranging her immense book collection or else deeply considering matters of books rather than paying attention to any sort of reality, except how reality pertained to books. That said, she was not the dreamy sort at all: to the contrary she was much more mournful of her situation in life and how it was not much like princess so-and-so who lived in such-and-such large castle and was married by prince whoever to carry on a life of bliss.

Edward Finch was very tall and was not much more than skin and bones. He possessed an affinity for being up and on top of things, and was frequently worrying whatever females were about by climbing all climbable anythings. He was a quiet lad who mostly kept to himself, though ate everything in sight and when he was not he was always wishing there was something in sight to be eaten.

Evelyn Finch had long, blonde, wavy hair and big dark brown eyes. She was always dressed all in black or very dark grey with a simple bow or two in her hair. She was an asker of accusing questions as well as a desirer of all she set her deep eyes on. Evelyn collected many, many different things. In fact, she had a collection of what must have been everything except for hats, plumes, bowties, and books. Her favorite collection was her sixteen jars of bacteria cultures, which she kept and fed as if they were her own pets.

Victor Finch wore very big, round glasses and liked to believe he was the number one most reliable source of all that there was to know in the world. If someone instructed him, he would rebuke the instructor and tell him otherwise, though what he assumed to be the truth was often a quite absurdly drawn conclusion. However, if he was able to find that the encyclopedia said otherwise (which he only consulted once a conversation had been had where he was not sure of something which he had just stated as fact, particularly if the person he stated it to disagreed), then he would slowly but surely wrap his head around the new idea and adopt it as his own and soon declare that he never thought otherwise.

The Finch family lived in a modest home right in the very middle of Fanghorn Avenue. The downstairs consisted of a parlor, kitchen, dining room, powder room, and a small cupboard for the placement of articles of warmth from the cold in the winter, which was located in the passage. Upstairs (the steps leading to and from which located next-door to the aforementioned cupboard), were four bedrooms. One for Mr. and Mrs. Finch, one for Greta and Evelyn, one for Edward and Victor, and one for guests when guests came, but otherwise for collection overflow on behalf of Mr. Finch, Mrs. Finch, Greta, and Evelyn (all of whom would have rather kept all of each collection in his or her room, but ran out of space). Edward and Victor, wanting to share in the equal subdivision of the spare room, collected odds and ends precisely for the purpose of storing when no guests were around. Edward, without giving much thought to it, collected many ounces of dust lying around the house (causing Mrs. Finch to keep her sanity in check in the most mundane respects of furniture dusting), and Victor had the clever idea of cutting out encyclopedia articles which he thought he might read in the future when he got around to it, (of course, Mr. Finch was not of the knowledge of this defacement) and putting them in spare jars which Evelyn discarded when any particular culture grew too big for it. This resulted in Victor not wanting to actually read the articles because to pull them back out again would render the entire time reading a time spent smelling nothing short of the most awful stench in the world, which was impossible to wash out of the jars. There was also a bathroom up stairs which everyone shared, though everyone complained considerably of everyone else taking much too long in the bathroom doing various and sundry preparations and primpings which were necessary to the party concerned with doing preparations and primpings, but were absolutely ridiculous to all who were affected by not being able to use the bathroom at the time they wished to.

All in all the Finch family lived their lives in the same way as you might live yours or I might live mine: with the sense that they are just simply living day by day as is best known to them, without giving much thought over to any sort of comparison with other families or other ways of life which may or may not be considered more normal or more abnormal. Did not the Finch family have friends? Surely. Did they spend time outside their home? Almost certainly. But those are other stories for other times.

I am very cold.

2009-03-04T08:46:00.003-05:00

I am. And I have reason to be. After all, there happens to still be snow on the ground. Sure, most of it has melted, but it is still cold outside. I hate it.

The weather people keep pushing the day when it finally gets in the 70s further and further away. The day before yesterday it was Thursday, yesterday they said it would be Friday, and today they say it's going to be Saturday. My wager is that they are just guessing as usual. All this modern-day science and all those computers just to guess. I think it's useless; almanacs in the 1800s were surely more acurate, not that I know much about them.

I get cold WAY too easily. I don't know what it is about me. Yesterday I was reading about the symptoms of shock and I had to laugh for a moment because it seems as though I have about half of them all the time: reduced alterness (I'm very "out of it" in the area of paying attention), confusion (I get confused a lot), and cold, pale skin. Of course, I don't consistently have general weakness, unconsciousness, or shallow, irregular breathing (although sometimes I do hold my breath for long periods of time, slowly letting it out, and then taking another deep breath and holding it, but that is just a weird swimming habit I seem to have).

That said, I am freezing. I really hope to marry somebody who is warm natured so he can keep me warm, but not too warm natured that he keeps the thermostat in the mid 60s. During the day our thermostat is set to 68, and that is just too cold for me to be comfortable. At night it is 66, which is even worse. Thankfully I have my heating blanket which I always set on high, and on top of that I have another thick, wooly blanket, and then I have my big, thick comforter. At night I roll myself up into a little cacoon with my head sticking out and sleep quite comfortably. It is even nicer when my dog sleeps in my bed, because she'll usually snuggle up and keep me warm as well.

I like to take showers when it is cold, because the hot water feels good, but when I get out...well, my hair is all wet, and takes forever to dry. Plus, it gets on my clothes and gets them wet. If I put my hair up it never dries completely. It's worse at night, when it is colder, although if I get to use the hairdryer, then I feel better. I also hate washing my face at night in the winter, because I have to splash cold water on my cold face and I feel very cold. :(

And then I go to swim practice and it is always MUCH colder when it is cold outside, even though the water is supposedly the same temperature and the pool is inside. And we have to swim in the cold pool, too, even though the warm pool is just as available. And I freeze and freeze and freeze and freeze.

Next winter I'm flying south and not coming back. Don't miss me too much.

~Jessica

What I have read....

2009-03-01T17:25:00.002-05:00

I took this from Rebecca: books I've read are in bold. I've added an + to the ones I love and a * to the ones I plan on reading...

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien
2. +Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. +To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell*
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë*
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. +Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. +Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy*
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck*
30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens*
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen*
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. +Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
42. +Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas*
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. +Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck*
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky*
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding*
71. Perfume, Patrick Süskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding*
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce*
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens*
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley*
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho*
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot* (I am considering reading it but have not quite made up my mind)
100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens*
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾, Sue Townsend
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
114. Les Misérables, Victor Hugo
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy*
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray*
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle*
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
131. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. George's Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker*
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan*
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque*
142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
144. It, Stephen King*
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick O'Brian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier*
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Ken Kesey*
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville*
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
170. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley*
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway*
174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
175. Sophie's World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson
177. Fantastic Mr Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery*
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens*
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Grossmith
187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine
189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. LawrenceLife of Lawrence
191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells*
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White
199. +The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle (of course!! We still have this book.... :D)
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews

So that is 34.....very deceptive, I actually have read a lot of books. I just haven't heard of the majority of these titles.

Out of Control Feminism

2009-02-26T09:54:00.001-05:00

There are a lot of things that bother me. I try not to lose my temper over them...well, at least not in public. But this is a blog, and my blog at that. I will now express my views of feminism. Bear with me here.

Feminism, to me, is a pretty stupid idea. All this "women's rights" stuff probably had good intentions in the beginning, but has gotten out of hand. Women are not equal to men--it's that simple! It is impossible for them to be so, unless they become men. And even after an operation and many steroids and testosterone pills, I have this feeling that a woman's brain would still work like a woman's brain. Men and women are very, very different. Sure, some women are more "tomboyish", and some men exhibit "feminine" qualities, though these days it is sad that sensitive, gentlemanly, chivalrous men are often confusedly perceived by our perverted society as being gay, when in fact they are far from it. Psychologically androgynous folks such as myself and a few of my friends are probably about as "gender-neutral" as you will find. But I still have my distinctly feminine personality traits, interests, talents, and thought patterns, besides being aware that I am a lady and sticking to that concept (have I ever mentioned how much I love dressing up and getting very pretty for a nice occasion?). And, though I am very athletic, I have a woman's body, which is genetically much weaker than a man's. The same thing with a guy friend of mine...androgynous, but distinctly masculine (the good kind of masculine), psychologically and physically.

No feminist movement is going to change these giant genetic differences between men and women. Still, some things are changing, and it is very upsetting. Women are becoming aggressive, and men are becoming passive. I never understood why, when I was younger, I would mention that found a guy attractive, and my public schooled girl friends asked whether I had asked him out, and if I hadn't, they suggested that I should. Why? If he isn't interested in me enough to ask me out, why should I ask him out? And the reason I get is that "it really puts a lot of pressure on the guy to ask the girl out", this from both guys and girls. Well, you know what? BE A MAN and get over the pressure! Women are becoming the men because they seem to get over that pressure pretty quickly. And dating is just one scenario (which, for the record, I would not have considered anyways, no matter who did the askings-out).

Another situation: in a household which would be considered "sexist", typically a woman is not demeaned to some object which the man won like a trophy and can do what he likes to with. Yes, maybe back a few hundred years ago it was common. But since....oh, when was it, King Arthur's day?...the treatment of women has gotten steadily better. Of course, there have always been insecure, power-hungry "men" who like to lord over their wives and abuse them in a variety of different ways. But I have grown up in a household where my father is the man of the house and my mother willingly submits. She is not in any way his slave. She has not lost any of her identity. I don't know why feminists think that this is what happens when a woman submits to her husband, as if submission has a terribly negative connotation. Our house is extremely well-balanced, compared to many unbalanced egalitarian households where there is a constant struggle to maintain equality in every little area. My mother is a housewife and a home school teacher; my father owns several different enterprises, big and small, and he is the breadwinner of the family. My mother, siblings, and I help out with some of the businesses from time to time, but the majority is done by my dad. He does not mind this, and works hard so that my mom does not have to go work outside the home. My parents make decisions together, but my dad has the final say. My mom is in charge of necessity shopping, so she handles most of that money. Never has there been an argument about who is supposed to be wearing the pants or about whose right it is to have something or to not do something. Almost all of my friends have families exactly like mine, and I intend to submit to my husband when I marry him and prevail to be "A Woman of Valor." (for those of you know are scratching your heads, that is a reference to Proverbs 31:10-31. <<--Click on it.)

I am not very well read-up on the history of feminism, that is true. I have never really wanted to be; "girl power" is a highly unattractive concept to me. Basically what I mean is that I do not like how feminism has evolved. Sure, it has good points and I am glad for many of the opportunities I have today. (However, voting is a silly, unimportant little game which I do not care to take part in ever again.) But I personally feel that feminism has gotten way out of hand since the '60s or so. From my limited understanding of Feminism, I believe I recall the cause of it starting more in the '40s, when men went off to war and women ended up having to go to work in order to earn enough for themselves and usually their children. Then somewhere down the line after a bit of a battle for better worker compensation, women realized that they did not need men in order to make a living. That was what sparked the line of feminism which I don't appreciate--the putting-down and hatred of being a housewife and of accepting one's actual femininity. It has gotten very out of hand, and gender roles are getting knocked around as if they are of no importance.

I am not very fond of the idea of women in the military. I mean, obviously those women can do what they want to and I am not stopping them. But when the idea that women must have equal rights in serving in the military goes so far as to cause the next draft to draft women as well, I am greatly opposed to it. I guess, though, that in some areas I am not as anti-feminist as I like to think I am. I agree that if a woman holds the same job as a man, she should get paid the same as that man. I'm not going to go parading this view up and down the streets with big signs or go sending petitions to congress or anything like that, though. I am not a passionate feminist...more like an extremely passive one, and only on a few areas.

Still, I am not feminist in a lot of things I believe. In my sociology and psychology classes I have had conversations (sparked by the material) with both guys and girls who seem to have a great misunderstanding of men and women's places in a household. The girls believed that for a woman to be a housewife was meaningless and was squashing her identity as a person into oblivion. They believed it was pointless, old-fashioned, and absurd that I want to be one should I get married and have children rather than pursuing a career. The guys expressed that they wouldn't want their wife lounging around the house all day while they as the male worked their butts off to bring home money. I think both views are extremely short-sighted, but nobody wanted to listen to me very much. But I turn around to my friends I have known for my entire life or nearly so, and they all agree with me. My girl friends want to be housewives, mothers, and teachers, and my guy friends want to have the careers and bring home the bacon (turkey bacon, that is). And that has been the natural order since the beginning of time, really. There has to be balance in the household. Someone needs to be the head, the breadwinner, the stable rock, and the man of the relationship; someone needs to be the cleaner, the nurturer, the caretaker, and the woman of the relationship. Equality, in my opinion, is overrated and misunderstood in this sense. Also, as long as I didn't have children to care for I would be working outside the home to contribute to the income, though I would want to have time for cooking and cleaning so that my husband has a comfortable place to come home to and just let go and relax after a hard day at work. I wouldn't want, especially after kids, my husband to come home to TV dinners or takeout once again, kids running around wild all over the place because they learn no manners at school, and the house being a wreck all the time. And after I have kids, I imagine I will still keep myself busy in my spare time writing or composing, and/or perhaps I will have created some sort of passive income. Whatever I end up doing, my identity is going to be far from gone (yes…even *gasp* if I take his last name! What a surprise!). What I do isn’t who I am. I am what I am. I believe that I am what I think. I find my identity in that. Oh, and I would love to be known as the wife of my husband who is a mother to his children. I don’t know why anyone has a problem with that.

~Jessica

Sounds of the Morning

2009-02-24T09:16:00.001-05:00

Music and Lyrics by Jessica

Verse One
The sentiments of judgment
Scarce can find
A blanket covering my fears

And the gracious bare sun glint
An empty abbey
Drowning out all my cries with the tears

Chorus
Oh how the whippoorwill calls
Sweet like honey
As the woodpecker hammers
Rushing brook
Sounds of the morning
Far away for now
Far away for now

Verse Two
Mind wanders through the days
Blend together
Sensibility lost in a hurricane

The pain is now throbbing
Sky is dark
Cut off from love’s army

Bridge
Do you look at me
Do you see me
Why is it solely one
Me thinking you’re the only one

Warm association
Pleasant sound vibration
Am I calloused
To my longing and desire?

Verse Three
Anxious and eager
A blank white wall
Don’t know why I hold you so dear…

Wait....what do you mean by "family"?

2009-02-19T19:49:00.003-05:00

My siblings and I are staying at my grandparent's for a few days, and tonight my great-grandmother took Marck, Robert, Grammy, Papa, Aunt Eleanor, and I out to eat pizza. While we were eating another family walked in. At least, I guess it was a family.

It was a mom, a dad, and two boys. One of the boys looked to be about five, and the other one may have been eleven or so. The eleven-year-old was playing a game on his cell phone, and the five-year-old was playing one of those Nintendo DS carry-around things as they walked in. The parents ordered and the kids were still playing their games. I could hear the music from the games halfway across the restaurant.

This playing continued as the older boy and the parents went to the salad bar and got salads. Eating and playing, playing and eating. There was barely any talking from the table at all. Finally the older boy put his phone away, and a while later, the mom told the younger boy that it was time for the game to go bye-bye for now since the pizza was almost there. The younger boy was on the verge of a fit, and got a little talking-to from his mother. The rest of the time he was squirmy (more than a typical five-year-old), moving all around his chair and looking very bored as he too sporadic bites of his pizza. The older boy brought out his cell phone again about halfway through their meal. I couldn't hear or see the family talking at all. It was just sad.

Now, maybe this family goes out to dinner all the time and this was just another meal for them. But when our family sits down all together for a meal (which isn't too common) we like to actually spend time with each other while doing so. Going out to eat is something we don't do that often (because of the cost and because of the non-health-benefits associated with it), but when we do, it is a fun family activity. I like my family and I like being with them. Sure, I went through a phase when I was on the younger side of the teen years when I would bring a book whenever we went out to eat because I guess I wanted to read more than I wanted to be with my family or something like that. Hey, at least books are better for your than portable video games.

I just wonder what the point of having a family is if you go through life like that....ignoring each other. "Who are those big people again? Yeah, those embarrassing ones who wake me up at five in the morning to get on the bus, and who magically place food in front of me at dinner time and remind me to brush my teeth at night. Who are those little people I keep tripping over? I don't know, but when I come into contact with them it is incredibly annoying. And that semi-big person? I don't know who he is either, but he doesn't seem to like me very much."

Siblings grow up and don't even know each other, even though they should be best friends. Parents don't know their children and aren't involved in their lives enough to recognize if the kids are getting into stuff they shouldn't. The kids who suck their brains out playing video games all day become ADHD, and the only solution seems to be to medicate them and/or let them play more video games. The kids also become very wonderful at developing surface relationships and terrible at developing deep ones.

It is just so sad. I feel sorry for that family and every single one like it. It must be awful to go through life like that. And so what if both your parents work and they provide a big house for you to live in, millions of toys (excuse me, video games and movies), drive you around in nice cars, can afford for you a brand new car when you turn 16, and you can eat at nice restaurants every night? What is the point of all that if you all hate each other because you hardly know one another? If I had to give up my relationships with my mom, dad, and brothers just so I could have the life of luxury that everyone wishes they had at some point(s) or another, I wouldn't even think twice about doing it. As long as I have my family I wouldn't mind a dumpster. Okay, yes I would. Maybe I should have used a different analogy. A really bad looking lean-to shelter thing. NOT a dumpster. And not a port-a-potty.

My parents have said that I can live with them forever if I want to. Of course, not in the loser-who-lives-in-his-parent's-basement-and-plays-online-all-the-time kind of way. In the way where I (eventually) will have a job/career around here someplace, so I can contribute to the house expenses, and I will help my mom keep the house as I do now. Even if my brothers marry and move out (which I don't want them to till I get married, but in case that doesn't work out), I will stay with my parents, more than likely. I guess if I get a job somewhere not close by I will have to move out, but I really don't want to live by myself, or with a bunch of girls. I would want to live with a man, because otherwise I wouldn't feel safe. So the only solutions are to live with a family wherever I move to, or get married. Or just bloody stay here ;). I don't know. God will light my path when I get to that point. Really, I want to only have two families in my life - the one I am living in now, and the one I start in the future when I get married.

And I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to lose contact with my friends. You guys are the greatest!!!

~Jessica

Hungry

2009-02-16T22:28:00.000-05:00

This always happens. I tell myself that I just need to get things done in the day and so I stay off anything related to internet communities until later in the evening after I feel like I have gotten everything useful done and I am too brain dead to accomplish anything else except sitting and typing random stuff. However, during the day I get ideas for blog entries. I had this great one today. But as I sat down to write, I forgot why I was going to do a blog entry.

Oh, right. Brain dead.

Something is coming to mind now that I was going to say something about the post Lizzie made before her flower arranging post about love. But my last post was titled......well, you can just scroll down and see. Yeah. So I don't know.

The problem with everything right now is that I did not eat enough for breakfast this morning. I usually have my heaping bowl of cheerios and granola (actually, Joe's Os, and not Cheerios. They are so much better. Cheerios are yucky). But I was trying very hard to stay on schedule this morning. I got the last of the cheerios (I am just calling them that because it is easier), which did not fill up the bowl all the way exactly how I like it. Now, I am always getting the bottom of the box. I don't know why it always happens to me, but it does. And I usually walk back to my parent's room and get another box. (Don't look at me too strangely...we are just one of those weird families; we keep food everywhere.) However, like I said I was kind of in a time crunch, so I just accepted my amount (also still feeling a little burned from Saturday's incident where everybody ate all the strawberries and I did not get any to put on my cereal simply because I did not eat breakfast till 1:30 pm and everybody thought I would have eaten it by then. Injustice!!!!!), put my normal portion of granola on top of that, and sat down to eat. By lunch, I was quite hungry. I ate one piece of leftover pizza, since that was all I was allowed to have, even though last night I only ate three when Marck got five pieces, and Marck got another piece today.

Then, while cleaning the bathrooms, I got the munchies several times. The first time, I tried desperately to eat the grape tomatoes that my mother had said when she bought them that I could have as many as I liked. But then Robert said I had to stop eating them because we were going to have kabobs tonight and mom wanted to save the tomatoes for the kabobs. My hopes and dreams blew out the window once again. So I ate an apple next, and then a mozzerella cheese stick. I still was feeling empty, so I resorted to a frozen biscuit, after eating a little tiny piece of steak my mom brought home from Outback on Saturday.

Finally it was dinner time. The kabobs were very tasty, but I don't know why nobody thought to purchase a pineapple to use for them.

But now I am hungry again. I think it's just that digestion-at-night kind of hungry, actually (the kind you usually get when you drink something fizzy), but I can't tell. In whatever case, I should stop thinking about food and just go to bed.

~Jessica

Love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!!!!!

2009-02-13T22:26:00.000-05:00

Stupid word.

Really? I am in it for the chocolate.

I don't mind Valentine's Day. I'm no Scrooge like SOME people I know. But Valentine's Day does get annoying, though I can't place my finger on what it is exactly. When I was younger (from age twelve to age 15), I mourned the coming of Valentine's Day. There I was again without somebody to love. Silly little me. At age 16, I thought it would be nice to get a rose. I wasn't sure from whom, but I thought a rose was definitely in order for myself. I had a dream around that time about a rose received from the man who was to become my husband (in my dream, though I never really saw his face of course), and I got upset that the petals started to dry up; I thought it meant that our love would dry up similarly. But then the dried petals fell away and revealed a new rose, which was more vibrant, beautiful, and fragrant than the original. And I guess that meant my Someone and I would live happily ever after, but I don't remember. Anyways, at at 17 (which was last year), I can't remember. I have no idea why I can remember something that happened to me two years ago, but not a year ago. But it's like I've said before at some point...I got short term memory loss when I turned 17. Hm...*checks blog entries around that time* *sees some post about ruling over the Platinum lane* *chuckles to self as she and Nathan were just trying to take over again* *recalls that whenever there is something to be in charge of or taken over, she and Nathan are always either accomplices or enemies, but both at the top of the food chain, nonetheless* *wonders at this* *becomes silent and thoughtful for a moment* *snaps out of it*

Well, it doesn't matter how I felt last year, I suppose, though I would really like to know, since right now it feels like I am squinting down a black hole of a memory trying to see what was going on, but failing miserably. This year, however, I view things in a different way. I guess. I wouldn't know, but I'm sure I do. *GASP* I have GOT to call Elayna back! *looks at clock* It's always the wrong time to call her. Either her family is doing school, I'm supposed to be doing school, I've got somewhere to go, she is eating dinner, I am making messy concoctions in the kitchen (you couldn't recognize the phone after my mom called when I was in the middle of making biscuits the other night). If you are Elayna and you are reading this and I have not called you back by now, I am VERY sorry because I do keep meaning to. But as I write this it is late at night and you all are probably going to bed.

What was I saying? Oh, yes. Valentine's Day.

So. Romance abounds, eh? Yurp, sounds fun. I have decided, however, that I do not want to go on a date for Valentine's Day unless:

a) It is for the purpose of proposing

b) We are already engaged

c) We are already married

And since I have officially said that now, it would be recommended that whoever my Someone is NOT set Valentine's day to be the day of the proposal, because it would not be a surprise (which I would want it to be, despite not being overly fond of surprises), and also if we started courting....*cough* *sputter* *choke*....trouting in January or even December, it might be wise not to rush into engagement just because of the occasion of Valentine's Day. And, as a matter-of-fact, I do not want to be proposed to on Valentine's Day. I don't know why, but I just don't. So maybe I shouldn't even consider number "a".

Yes, I said number "a". Don't panic.

Right now I just want to use Valentine's Day as an excuse to have a fun day to get together with girl friends and eat lots of junk food and watching romance movies, sappy or not. My vote is for Pride and Prejudice, of course. The new one...what a lovely movie! It's just....perfect. I love the scenery and the music more than anything else. I wish I lived in England in the eighteenth century. In the countryside. And I wish I had a Mr. Darcy. But that is fine.

Valentine's Day is such a stupid concept, though. What is the point? For the record, every kiss does NOT begin with Kay! If it did, Kay Jewellers would have all the money in the world and would rule over all of us. Would you like a jewellery store to rule over your lives? I don't think so.

And another thing......engagement rings. I'm not staring at them night and day wondering which one will be on my finger. I don't demand the biggest, most expensive one. But I do want one. It is only sensible. As Elizabeth Elliot's father taught her brothers, a man should not say "I love you" till the engagement ring is on the woman's finger. It's a symbol of a promise to marry, and I think that symbol is very important. Again, I am not sure why, but that is what I think.

Anyways, that's my take on Valentine's Day and the like for now.

~Jessica

Warning: This Post Contains Trouting Thoughts

2009-02-09T21:41:00.004-05:00

For those of you who know what I mean by trouting, have your nice reflective chuckle and then sip your decaffeinated coffee and read on. For those of you who wonder why I am referring to fish on my blog when I do not particularly like fishing and would not be able to tell whether I was eating a catfish or a flounder were I served one of the two at the local seafood joint, 'tis your loss you didn't read my blog in the early days. Oh, yes, it's been a while.....do not go back and read post number one. It is probably boring and contains nothing about trouting. Just stick with me here.

So I was feeling rather frustrated today, as I have been for about two weeks now. Okay, frustrated is not the right word. More like....um....troubled. Or...er...oh, what is that word I always think of when I see a Gothic person? It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yes! Conflicted. I have felt quite conflicted for an estimated 10,000,000 reasons, all of which I couldn't put my finger on. Many of them would come to mind, and I would get quite distraught over one thing before another thing would come up, and then another, and another, and pretty soon my head would be bustling with so much commotion that left my head and for a while my mainstream thought processes all took place in my esophagus (it wasn't very comfortable there, either, but it was better than my brain...and I wouldn't dare step near my heart, as it was surely much worse). All of that to say that today I finally decided to stop putting off writing all that was in my brain down on paper, which is the only way I am able to keep anything straight and stay sane ("sane" probably being arguable to some people, but I am not asking those some peoples' opinions at this moment). So, this entry took an hour and 45 minutes and was eleven pages long, which surprisingly did not top the record 14-page long journal entry of June, 2007 (and it wasn't even very interesting, but instead detailed three days worth of happenings, including the first meet of the season that the Seahawks won, a little meaningless piece about un-visiting with people, and the time when Sarah and I decided to start a trend of sitting on the black line on the pool deck). Keep in mind that I do not have the pretty little diary that most girls have. I just use 10 1/2 by 8 inch 1-subject spiral bound notebooks (they are good for long journal entries).

AnyHOOness, I sorted through all my problems (looking back I now see that my handwriting is smaller than it was a year and a half ago, so that means that this entry probably would have been 14 pages had I written bigger), drew lots of conclusions, said lots of prayers, and I feel 97% better! Now, as I was writing I started getting on the subject about how, in the course of my short life, I have come to know a few exceptional guys who have walked into my life just long enough for me to stop being annoyed with them and start wishing they would stick around more, and then they seem to just waltz back out just as daintily as they came. (NOTE: if you are a current/long-time guy friend of mine reading this, then I am probably not talking about you. However, I beg you not to feel insulted. I just take you for granted, that is all *winks*.)

Gee, I want a Bolthouse Farms coffee drink right now!! *resists temptation to jump in the car and go to the store*

So I started wondering, "why does it always happen to me?" Well, it does, because I am me and as far as I know, I am the only one that anything happens to. Aside from that shortsighted observation....um, anyways. So the "nearly ideal" guy comes into my life. I think, "wow, he is....everything I could have ever hoped for!" The guy plays the piano, loves to read Charles Dickens, will talk philosophy with me, is mature, is family-oriented, shares the same ambitions as I do, wants a life I want, wants to homeschool his kids, makes me feel safe.....what more could I ask for? So I get a little seed for the guy and I plant it in my heart, and a little plant grows for this guy. It's not love, exactly. I think it is a sense of completion that I long for that feels fulfilled by this guy. So the plant grows and grows and then something happens. Contact is lost somehow, or I just get forgotten, and it's like the plant is ripped off from its base. The problem is, the roots are still there and they are deep. And once I finally finish digging the roots out, there is a hole and a lot of dirt gone where the plant used to be. And the hole aches in an empty kind of way. I get confused because something that was there is suddenly gone. It's like he died, but not really. When someone dies they are gone from this earth but they are still in your heart. The only thing left of this guy is his hole in my heart. And suddenly I wish I had never known him. After a while I get used to the hole, but I can still feel it.

So then I start feeling insecure and wondering if something is the matter with me, and conclude that I am nowhere near anybody's "near ideal" of a wife. Because if I was, then these wonderful guys would be a little more desperate to have me around, right? Hmph. Well, it's not like that mattered before, right? So why should it matter now? (don't you just hate it when insecure feelings creep up on you when you wish they wouldn't?) So I ignored that idea, and then immediately got another epiphany--what if I am only perfect for one guy?

O-M-G-!-!-!

What a concept, eh? Why didn't I think of that before? Here I was, suddenly wishing lots of guys would be in love with me for some stupid reason (the stupid reason being for my wishing, not for why the guys would like me), and all along how could I have not seen that that isn't the way it should be anyways?

So (in my journal, in the last paragraph on page 8 of the entry) I decided to pose the question to myself so as to make my point perfectly clear, "What would I rather be? Seemingly perfect to several guys who all pursue me but none of whom may be the right one, for actually perfect for one guy?"

Really and truly? The second one. I mean, with me and my female runaway romantic imagination and all, I can't help but look at the latter option and sigh, thinking, "how sweet!" I mean, sure...anybody wants to be loved, adored, and respected by multiple members of the opposite sex. But I like to think I have a soul mate out there, and that he and I are perfect for one another, even if neither of us seems like the ideal to anyone else. And you know what? Less hearts get broken that way!

Plus, I am not all of who I will be in the next two-to-five years when I hope to be married. I will grow a lot in that period, and while my personality will mostly stay the same, I am sure I will go through a lot that changes me. My childishness and selfishness will get chiseled off, and the experiences I will have will "potentialize" me and make me into a fuller version of myself. I am not perfect for someone right now, but I will be one day. *dwells on that happy thought*

Love and Peace or Else,

~Jessica

No More Parental Rights

2009-02-07T18:00:00.003-05:00

From World Net Daily:

United Nations' threat: No more parental rights
Expert: Pact would ban spankings, homeschooling if children object
By Chelsea Schilling

A United Nations human rights treaty that could prohibit children from being spanked or homeschooled, ban youngsters from facing the death penalty and forbid parents from deciding their families' religion is on America's doorstep, a legal expert warns.

Michael Farris of Purcellville, Va., is president of ParentalRights.org, chairman of the Home School Legal Defense Association and chancellor of Patrick Henry College. He told WND that under the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child, or CRC, every decision a parent makes can be reviewed by the government to determine whether it is in the child's best interest.

"It's definitely on our doorstep," he said. "The left wants to make the Obama-Clinton era permanent. Treaties are a way to make it as permanent as stuff gets. It is very difficult to extract yourself from a treaty once you begin it. If they can put all of their left-wing socialist policies into treaty form, we're stuck with it even if they lose the next election."

The 1990s-era document was ratified quickly by 193 nations worldwide, but not the United States or Somalia. In Somalia, there was then no recognized government to do the formal recognition, and in the United States there's been opposition to its power. Countries that ratify the treaty are bound to it by international law.

Although signed by Madeleine Albright, U.S. ambassador to the U.N., on Feb. 16, 1995, the U.S. Senate never ratified the treaty, largely because of conservatives' efforts to point out it would create that list of rights which primarily would be enforced against parents.

The international treaty creates specific civil, economic, social, cultural and even economic rights for every child and states that "the best interests of the child shall be a primary consideration." It is monitored by the CRC, which conceivably has enforcement powers.

According to the Parental Rights website, the substance of the CRC dictates the following:

Parents would no longer be able to administer reasonable spankings to their children.
A murderer aged 17 years, 11 months and 29 days at the time of his crime could no longer be sentenced to life in prison.
Children would have the ability to choose their own religion while parents would only have the authority to give their children advice about religion.
The best interest of the child principle would give the government the ability to override every decision made by every parent if a government worker disagreed with the parent's decision.
A child's "right to be heard" would allow him (or her) to seek governmental review of every parental decision with which the child disagreed.
According to existing interpretation, it would be illegal for a nation to spend more on national defense than it does on children's welfare.
Children would acquire a legally enforceable right to leisure.
Teaching children about Christianity in schools has been held to be out of compliance with the CRC.
Allowing parents to opt their children out of sex education has been held to be out of compliance with the CRC.
Children would have the right to reproductive health information and services, including abortions, without parental knowledge or consent.

"Where the child has a right fulfilled by the government, the responsibilities shift from parents to the government," Farris said. "The implications of all this shifting of responsibilities is that parents no longer have the traditional roles of either being responsible for their children or having the right to direct their children."

The government would decide what is in the best interest of a children in every case, and the CRC would be considered superior to state laws, Farris said. Parents could be treated like criminals for making every-day decisions about their children's lives.

"If you think your child shouldn't go to the prom because their grades were low, the U.N. Convention gives that power to the government to review your decision and decide if it thinks that's what's best for your child," he said. "If you think that your children are too young to have a Facebook account, which interferes with the right of communication, the U.N. gets to determine whether or not your decision is in the best interest of the child."

He continued, "If you think your child should go to church three times a week, but the child wants to go to church once a week, the government gets to decide what it thinks is in the best interest of the children on the frequency of church attendance."

He said American social workers would be the ones responsible for implementation of the policies.

Farris said it could be easier for President Obama to push for ratification of the treaty than it was for the Clinton administration because "the political world has changed."

At a Walden University presidential debate last October, Obama indicated he may take action.

"It's embarrassing to find ourselves in the company of Somalia, a lawless land," Obama said. "I will review this and other treaties to ensure the United States resumes its global leadership in human rights."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been a strong supporter of the CRC, and she now has direct control over the treaty's submission to the Senate for ratification. The process requires a two-thirds vote.

Farris said Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., claimed in a private meeting just before Christmas that the treaty would be ratified within two years.

In November, a group of three dozen senior foreign policy figures urged Obama to strengthen U.S. relations with the U.N. Among other things, they asked the president to push for Senate approval of treaties that have been signed by the U.S. but not ratified.

Partnership for a Secure America Director Matthew Rojansky helped draft the statement. He said the treaty commands strong support and is likely to be acted on quickly, according to an Inter Press Service report.

While he said ratification is certain to come up, Farris said advocates of the treaty will face fierce opposition.

"I think it is going to be the battle of their lifetime," he said. "There's not enough political capital in Washington, D.C., to pass this treaty. We will defeat it."

Jessica comments -- WHAT is this world coming to?? This has to be the stupidest idea ever. With my new government-granted rights, I would like to throw them all out of office and take over the world myself. If they don't let me they are interfering with my free will and rights as a person! *sticks nose in the air* Fine, you know what? I am leaving and going to Somalia.

No, wait. Its government patterns look almost as unstable as America's. Never mind.

Switzerland is better any day.

Stupid Idiots!

2009-02-05T12:17:00.004-05:00

Okay, it really isn't that bad. I guess. It really is just me, but I happen to not like to feel my self-esteem falling a little bit more each day of my life. Okay, you know those books, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to ______" and "_______ for Dummies"? Sometimes they are okay, if I actually have enough patience to get through them. I have read a couple of Idiot's Guide books on creative writing and actually found them rather helpful, much more so than Dummies books. Now, I have been trying to read "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Music Theory." As I was telling somebody, I read it and I feel like more than a complete idiot. So THANKS for the insult, Idiot's-Guide-book-making-people!!!! I mean, it's not their fault, obviously. It's all me. And, of course, "complete idiot" is only meant as a joke. So the reader can laugh at his or herself and say, "well, I am not a complete idiot on this subject, but I bet this has all the information I need right now!"

And maybe that is the catch. When it comes to music theory, I am a complete idiot. I know nothing. I don't know how I got this way, all I know is that as hard as I try to understand it, each time thinking, "okay, this is starting to make sense, I really have it this time..." and then WHAM! I don't get it all over again. Literature theory makes sense. I don't know why or how it does, but reading up on strategies and techniques for storytelling and writing style and then seeing how I can apply them to whatever I am writing while still maintaining a very high degree of creativity and originality.

Music theory (said mockingly and with detest), however, is NOT that way at all. Perhaps one thing is that I can't seem to get past time signature, but that seems minor compared to other things. Like melody construction. There are rules?!?!?! And you actually have to think about them when you compose?!?!??!?!??!?!? Things like (the following said mockingly and with detest also), "You have to pick a scale or mode for your melody to be in and stay in that scale or mode for the whole song," and "Your melody should have a tonal center it focuses around" and "You should end your melody on either the same note it began on, or the third or fifth of that note, but always make sure it sounds conclusive." Among other things that I can't remember, because I didn't want to, because I didn't want to think about them so much that they make me think too much about a song I am composing, therefore ruining any creativity I have. And I won't get to finish reading it now, because some other complete idiot put it on hold from the library and my friend's mom won't let me borrow his copy. *huffs loudly*

I just wonder.....do I have to think about all that? I mean, if it sounds good and flows well, it's fine, right? That is what I have always thought. I know hardly anything about scales or modes, and what I do know I can't remember anyways. And it's not like I am going to sit down at the piano and decide to write a song in a particular mode. It just comes out and there is nothing I can do about it, unless it is too boring, so then I have to jazz it up again. And what is it with music reading? (This is a rant, in case you can't tell.) It is so entirely complicated and I don't know how six-year-olds learn it! I guess it's like learning another language, except in that language they speak all in math language. Since when did anything creative involve math? (I am sure that question is going to be answered by all you smart comment-people who will say things like architecture and interior decorating, and, of course, music.) But, but, but.......how in the world am I going to compose something and do all that math to figure out whether a particular note is a 16th note or not? It would take all day. I would need a voice recorder, a metronome, a long piece of paper and maybe a math professor with me. And that would be for only one note. So for a six-minute composition, it would take me a whole year to write it down, give or take a couple of months (yes, it's an estimation). And then I have to marvel at all these people who can read music and play at the same time. W-O-W, you guys knock my socks off. If that isn't multi-tasking, then I don't know what is. I thought that all you had to do was feel the beat in your head, remember how it goes and let your fingers do the rest. No. You have to remember what key it is in, remember what time it is in, look at two different staffs, divide and multiply notes, usually very quickly, play with your left hand and your right hand parts that are usually very different, remember which note corresponds to each key, be able to actually tell which line the notes are on (maybe my eyesight is just bad, but all those lines gets kind of blurred together, like all the zeros you have to use in Chemistry), keep a beat, stay awake, know what general terms like crescendo and forte mean relative to the song you are playing, sometimes you have to sing, so you have to watch three staffs and move your mouth and hit the right notes, AND don't forget to turn the page!!! And if you know half the song, you can't get too caught up in playing the part that you accidentally memorized and then forgetting where you were on the page and having to go searching for it.

GOOD GRIEF!!! That is enough to give any sane and very healthy person a heart attack. *has one* *goes to the hospital* *gets lots of drugs* *feels better magically* *comes back* *continues blogging*

Now I am just not sure about taking piano lessons. I have really wanted to ever since I was little, and now here is my chance. I have gone back and forth and back and forth and back and forth......and I am just very apprehensive about taking them. There are certain things I want to learn. It's not like I don't think that I should learn music reading (and I am saying that because, again, all you smart comment-people are going to say "you really should learn music reading because you should."), that is just something I feel that I can try and focus on at home while what I really want to learn is how to play the piano better. What I mean is that, if I sign up for lessons, they are going to start me on music reading. They always do. It's like if you sign up with a doctor and go in for your checkup, it is a given they are probably going to find something wrong with you and put you on two or three medications (my I-hate-doctors rant is another post, thank you very much). I will not learn anything BUT music reading, because I will have to start with the most basic basics, like Mary Had a Little Lamb or Chopsticks, and I will advance in six years to anything it takes any skill to play. But I just want the piano skills, to know different playing styles so I can play by ear better and compose more interesting music.

If anyone who lives around me knows of any teachers that would focus more on style and VERY EXTERMELY little on music reading, I beseech you to inform me of said wonderful person at once!! In the mean time, I will piddle along in my little uneducated ways....Marck actually bought me a little book-and-CD Rom kit titled, "How to Read Music in 3 Easy Lessons." It doesn't have me quite convinced, but neither have I looked at it much since I got it. Sorry, Marck, I fully intend to, I just haven't. Since my "beloved" music theory book is now back at the library, I shall concentrate on my little kit.

Thus ends the flow of the Fountain of Frustration.

~Jessica

P. S. And don't criticize me about how my background looks like usic composition scratch paper. I like it for what it stands for, being a musician and all.

Lead us not into temptation.

2009-02-03T20:58:00.003-05:00

I was reading, just at this very moment practically, Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis. Be quiet....yes, I am still reading it. I happen to take my time and read millions of books all at the same time because I have ADD tendencies when it comes to books I want to read (besides being a slow reader which is INCREDIBLY annoying). So no questions about not having finished it yet. That said, I was reading it and he just casually mentioned this which I will now quote: "Each has done something to himself which, unless he repents, will make it harder for him to keep out of the rage next time he is tempted, and will make the rage worse when he does fall into it."

Now isn't that interesting! (You: "What is interesting? I don't see anything.") He does not talk any more about it, but it stood out to me...........tempted into rage. Yes, isn't that an interesting way to look at it? Of course, it may be that I've had too much ice cream and too little sleep in the past few days and it's just me. But I thought it was very interesting, as you can probably tell since I keep saying it is.

The thing is that when I think of temptation, I think of things like lust and everything that goes along with it, if you understand what I mean. I guess Christians see that as the biggest temptation and the biggest sin (though it is forgiven, since we all know the only non-forgiven sin is blasphemy), but anger is something that we, as humans, have a harder time with but don't even realize. An angry person isn't scorned as perverted. Sure, if that anger is taken to the level of murder, then that would be another story. But what about just simple anger? It comes out all the time, every day, usually to the people you care about most. And as I look at it now, of course it is a temptation to be angered at someone. It's not something uncontrollable that happens. I believe to be angry is a conscious decision. Say your sibling, parent, spouse, kid, or whoever, does something that really upsets you. Maybe they borrowed something of yours and lost it or even broke it. On top of that, it was very important to you that you have this whatever-thing on a particular day for a particular thing. The temptation is to be angry at them and start a fight, consisting mainly of blaming and putting down this person. It is the easiest thing to do. It almost feels good to let it out on someone. But you could choose not to be angry. I think that being upset and/or disappointed is unavoidable, but anger is not the only way to deal with those feelings. Surely the person is sorry and asked for your forgiveness. If he or she didn't realize that they broke it, you can even choose whether to confront them, as confrontation really could only make them feel bad. However, sometimes it is necessary as you need to kindly ask of them not to do it next time you let them borrow something. (Of course, children should be lectured and often times punished, as it is part of their bringing-up.)

But thinking about anger as being a temptation is a very interesting idea (there I go again saying it is interesting). It makes me want to give in to it less. It seems like a better reason than all the other unwritten reasons that I can't remember that I had for trying to not be angry. I can't quite describe why I think this is such a fascinating view on things, but I just do. I guess it means everything bad is a temptation. And it is, I just never thought about it before! You can covet, or you can choose not to. You can be tempted to not honor your father and mother, but you can choose not to. Stealing is another one of those temptations that are more obvious-seeming in terms of thinking of them as actually being temptations, as is murder. Even stuff not necessarily in the Bible like laziness. It's tempting to be lazy, I just never thought of it that way. I just thought of laziness as something which gets me nowhere but for some reason I am naturally talented at.

Just a thought.

~Jessica

Understand

2009-02-01T00:44:00.002-05:00

Music and Lyrics by J. C. B.

Fairest of light streams down my face
Leaving emotions without a trace
A heart beats when others set the pace
Must you turn everything into a race?
Trying so hard to steal second base
Though I like it when you start the chase
Draped over my chest is a cover of lace
Flowers for one in a hollow vase

Coming one day to
Initiate
I won’t turn away you
Just must wait

Understand
I think differently from you
A new plan
You’ll have to think it all through
In your hands
There’s nothing I can do
Where we’ll stand
A vision so new

Serenity I will abate
Whilst you leave your life all to fate
Again I ask you to please wait
I fear it’s that word you’ll always hate
Hopeful I stand for you at the gate
Admitting I cannot use my heart for bait
If you come at all you’ll be coming late
Who grows more anxious at this rate?

I know you want me now
Just a taste
But if you get your way
It will be a waste

You know one day
I’ll stand and say
I love you too
It’s tried and true
I love you now
Though I don’t know how
So wait and see
Love’s eventually…

What do I Believe?

2009-01-29T08:50:00.002-05:00

My friend Chris posted this homework assignment from his World Religions class on his blog, and suggested that I answer the questions myself on my own blog. So, I shall. First, the questions:

1. What is reality? How can you prove that something is real? What is truth? How is a religious truth different from a scientific truth?
2. Do you believe there are "beings" or a "higher being" "greater" than humans? Briefly explain.
3. Where do you think the world comes from? Where do you believe humans come from?
4. Are humans inherently good or bad and why?
5. What do you think is eventually going to happen to the world?
6. What do you think happens to people after they die?
7. How should people behave and why? What should guide people's sense of how they "ought" to behave?
8. Describe your attitude towards those who believe differently than you do. If you consider yourself to belong to a particular religion, describe how that religion responds to individuals of other faiths. Do you have any friends or acquaintances of a different faith?

Now apparently for this assignment one could not cite any scripture as a basis for anything one believes. Now that will be hard considering the Bible is what my faith basically revolves around. Nonetheless I'll try.

1. I like to think of reality in the terms of the Matrix. No, really, I do a lot of the times. This is not all "real", in a sense. This is temporary. We are only on this earth a short time, and this earth is only shadow-pictures of what is to come in eternity. The only real things are our souls as people, because that is all that really transfers over. But I don't think you can prove something is real. Anything can be seen as evidence for or against something being real. What right have we to say that anything is or isn't real? Everyone is their own person and has an opinion. In the Matrix everything seems real, but it's just a computer. How do you know we all aren't just living in a computer? How do I know we are? It's the same kind of thing if you say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I mean, it is, but then it isn't, because how do you, as one "beholder", know that beauty is actually in the eye of the beholder? You don't. Essentially we have no right to assume that anything is real or isn't. My view is just an opinion and we may never know. As for truth, I remember there being some debate/argument/discussion about what absolute truth was on here probably back in May or something. I have finally come to the conclusion that there IS absolute truth, but only God knows it. We are imperfect humans who have opinions about right and wrong. Like with reality, we have no right to assume we know absolute truth. We may never know, or I may end up being right and we all die and go to heaven and are informed of absolute truth when we get there. Until then the best we can do is make educated guesses. Religious "truths", then, are what is considered "right" and "wrong" by a particular religion. Catholics (I think) believe that they have to go to mass every Sunday or it is a sin (if you are a Catholic, please do not be offended and do correct me if I am wrong). I think that most Christians will agree that if you don't go to Church every week then you will be fine. Going or not going to church is not a measure of your faith and it's not the only way to get closer to God (as a matter of fact sometimes it doesn't bring you closer at all....but then I can get into all this Martin Luther stuff which can be saved for another rant). I don't know much about what other major religions such as Buddhism or Islam think are right and wrong, but I am sure the "truths" of Buddhists and Muslims differ pretty significantly from that of Christianity, Judaism or Catholicism, because they have different books of life guidelines. Scientific truth is what can be proved by science to be true. Science has proven many things (macro evolution is not one of them), and when I see the proof, I believe it. And proof is the key word there. I need absolute proof. Now, you may wonder why I don't need absolute proof for Christianity. That is because there is no absolute proof to believe in anything. Even Atheism doesn't have absolute proof (*gasp!*). How can you prove there is not a God? How can you prove that you alone can govern your life? How can you fully trust in Science if Scientists don't know everything but consider many theories and hypotheses absolute truth? You can't. Atheists are as confident in their belief in non-belief as Christians are in their belief in God. But we cannot be sure that one is right because no human knows.

Wow, this is going to be long. Brace yourselves......or just get really comfy.

2. If any of you have read Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis, you will now know what I would like to say on this question. Where do we get our universal ideas of morality and right and wrong? Those kinds of things don't just appear out of thin air. The Pagans in, say, the time Beowulf was told, had no god that they feared and worshipped and no Bible that they read every day. Yet they valued valor, honor, honesty, bravery, and loyalty, and detested wimpy-ness, betrayal, dishonor, stealing, lying, murder, et cetera. Atheists usually are really are good people (a lot of the time better than many Christians). But where did we get these values and standards that we always hold each other to but a lot of the time forget to hold ourselves to? Perhaps from some perfect entity who is above us all. Aside from that little thought, yes. I believe there is a perfect God who is above us all and made us all in his image. But that is my opinion.

3. The world was created by God and so were humans. There is no way we could have just happened because there was a big explosion in the sky, and it is impossible for us to have evolved from apes. Especially since apes are still around......how do you explain that? Oh, and I DON'T believe the world has been around for a billion years. What proof is there? Of course, I believe all of this mainly because I believe what the Bible tells me. But I also believe that science disproves macro evolution. Nobody wants to educate themselves and accept it, though. It's like some guy's avatar on a forum I was on said: "The Frog-prince: a fairytale for children. Evolution: a fairytale for grown-ups."

4. Humans are born selfish and self-centered. And we probably wouldn't have half that idea of morality talked about in question 2 unless we were selfish to see how everyone else's actions affected our personal well-being. And then we grow up and see that life is much more harmonious if we do to others what we would have them do to us, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Yes, that is in the Bible, but it is the best way of phrasing what every person really believes anyways. You don't have to think about it when you see an old lady walking up to Wal-mart in front of you and you go and open the door for her. You don't think, "when I am old and frail, I would like some young man or woman to open the doors at Wal-mart for me." You just do it (hopefully not going home saying, "GOSH, I can't believe I opened that door for that stupid old lady today...what a waste of my time and energy!"). Still, humans are selfish and don't like to go out of their way. A lot of the times they do have to think to be nice to people. I know I do. Sure, being nice to my friends isn't hard, but I have to be conscious of my actions at home. I can blast my brothers a thousand times a day and not think twice about it. Sorry guys....... :(

5. How can I answer the question without the Bible? Well, I believe this world will end and we will have a new one that is better and will last forever, and we all live together in peace for eternity. There ya go.

6. They go to heaven. That sounds all goody-goody Christian-like, but as I am what you would call a "Christian", that is what I believe. So get over it. You are going to heaven and there is nothing you can do about it. ;)

7. Well, I kind of answered this question in 4 and 2. But regardless of what any book says, I think that people should behave in a way that we can live as harmoniously as possible. Considering that is not going to happen, I shall simply endeavor to improve upon myself and not worry about what other people do. But if I were to pick something to guide people to good behavior, I would probably just reference the King George and the Ducky Veggie Tales video where Jimmy and Jerry are trying to pretend they are Bob and Larry hosting. They play the film, "The English Man Who Went up a Hill and Came Down with All the Bananas." After the film they go to the computer Qwerty to ask him if he has a verse for them. Qwerty is turned off but they think he is broken, so one of them goes and gets a piece of cardboard and scrawls on it with a sharpie, "Don't be selfish!" Jimmy remarks, "Wow, that is a good one." I agree........but who keeps a computer on their kitchen counter anyways?

8. I don't really mind it when people behave or think differently from me. Sometimes it is interesting and weird, because I have not ever thought or behaved that way, obviously. Most of the time it isn't bad, so I don't let it bother me. But sometimes it bothers me when people are doing wrong things because I know they are bringing harm upon themselves or others. But just because someone is different doesn't mean I am going to criticize them (because it happens to me and I don't like it). And even if I do feel like I need to talk to them about something, I would do it in love and not in a negative, critical kind of way. Also the whole point of being a Christian is spreading the good news that Jesus loves us all so much that he went to hell for us and saved us from it so that when we die we all go to heaven and live with our father forever. I can't imagine why somebody would reject such a wonderful thing. But I'm a Libertarian. You can believe what you want to, and I can believe what I want to. I have some casual Catholic and Jewish friends, and a few agnostic/atheist friends, but most of my friends are some form of Christian or another. Personally I think the other religions are kind of empty compared to Christianity. Either you believe in nothing, or you believe in all these dos and don'ts and shoulds and shouldn'ts. Christianity is just filled with love and peace and all that other good hippie stuff.

So that is what I think, and I barely cited the Bible at all! *is proud of herself*

~Jessica

:D

2009-01-27T22:31:00.001-05:00

A little word from my sponsor.

2009-01-26T07:58:00.005-05:00

Well, I told a couple of people I would blog about all the books I bought yesterday, but that will just have to wait as I read something in my Bible this morning which confirmed what I have been trying to remember the Bible saying before. Without trying to be overly argumentative, I have a few nice little verses for all of you out of Deuteronomy 17 (the italics are, of course, mine):

14 When you enter the land the LORD your God is giving you and have taken possession of it and settled in it, and you say, "Let us set a king over us like all the nations around us," 15 be sure to appoint over you the king the LORD your God chooses. He must be from among your own brothers. Do not place a foreigner over you, one who is not a brother Israelite. 16 The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the LORD has told you, "You are not to go back that way again." 17 He must not take many wives, or his heart will be led astray. He must not accumulate large amounts of silver and gold.

18 When he takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law [well, that has been abandoned], taken from that of the priests, who are Levites. 19 It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the LORD his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees 20 and not consider himself better than his brothers and turn from the law to the right or to the left. Then he and his descendants will reign a long time over his kingdom in Israel.

Pull from it what you will, but IMHO, nobody anywhere has followed this law completely for a long time. I'm not going to say any more at this time as I don't feel like I should monologue about it. But of course it's open to discussion. :)

~Jessica

Break out the Buckshot...

2009-01-23T11:27:00.003-05:00

I have been looking back over the comments for the last two entries and I have realized something....I am probably sounding proud or stuck-up. So I would like to apologize if any of you took it that way. I don't mean to sound that way at all. I don't want to completely blame it on the fact that I am so entirely exhausted of other people telling me what to do with my life whenever I meekly state what I am "thinking about doing" or what I "guess I believe." But it does get annoying and right now I assume that I can attribute my recent attitudes to these sorts of situations. Still, that is no excuse.

Maybe I have subconsciously set my mind to being more confident and assertive. I don't know...*hides under a box*...I don't want to sound like, "This is what I am doing so get over it, punk." That isn't what I mean at all. I mean, "This is what I am doing, since this is what I am doing and all" -- if you get what I mean by that. I am not stating that I am "homeschooling college" because I am just so much better than all of you. I am calling it that because I am of college age and I am learning in a way that is in essence homeschooling. That is just what I am doing. I don't expect you to like it. You can have a problem with it. You can tell me that you have a problem with it, and I will take a deep breath, count to ten, and tell you that it is what I am doing, and it's just as good as whatever you are doing, and then we can all hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosie.

By now I am sure you are all well aware of my political stance (which is that I would rather live by myself in the Bermuda Triangle, really...). I don't want to push it over on anyone, but if others are overlooking the facts and going along with whatever all the other Americans are saying, then I would like to wave my hand in front of their face and show some people what America is really like. It helps to know; to be aware and informed. But that didn't really help, as it never does in debates. So oh-well about that.

I really don't like being angry. It stresses me out. Last night I went to a basketball game between our Hawks and NRCA. While exciting, I cannot even begin to explain how mad I got at the refs and at all their negative-cheering fans/students/alumni. I won't go into detail about how stupid it all was. But somehow I had fun rooting and doing positive cheering (even though at one point a couple of NRCA girls scoffed and told us to "shut up, guys" [in heavy valley girl accents]). In between the JV and Varsity games we went to Sarah and Lizzie's house, where we all ate salads, soup, and sandwiches and sat around talking about how frustrating everything was. Good times.

This is SUCH a cliche thing to say, but I really wish there could be world peace FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Why can't we all just get along? What about friendly competition? Where is the love? I grow up thinking that everyone gets along, and then I get a reality wake-up call that everyone is NOT nice, including me. I just will pray that every day I can take a shovel and dig out a little bit of all the anger I harbor in my heart. Maybe one day I will clear it all out. It is just a burden that is making me into a mean, selfish little lady. Maybe there was a reason why Ms. Denman always cast me as evil witches and things like that.....

I guess selfishness makes us human. It's sad....maybe I don't want to be human. Well, Paul tells the Corinthians to aim for perfection. I will do my best. So long!

~Jessica

Hmph, Finally!

2009-01-20T13:03:00.007-05:00

Well, it is about time, that is all I have to say! And all that grumbling I did last night. "Oh, good grief, guys....it's not going to snow! They say it will and it never does." Either that or it snows half an inch and everything gets cancelled. One flake on the ground and the entire triangle goes into a panic about stocking up on food and snow shovels. There is an entire storage building somewhere full of salt to put on the roads so that nobody slips on the one flake. Northerners must think we are so wimpy. I think we are wimpy. I mean, yes snow and ice are dangerous and yes we down here in the south don't consider it a worthy enough investment to buy materials suitable for the snow since we only get a significant amount every five years or so. But still.

Besides all that, snow is beautiful. I woke up this morning, went into the kitchen, happened to glance out the window, and I saw white. "Well, then, I was wrong...." I said, scoffing and humphing more than what was surely my fair share. I still haven't been out in it. Actually I am about to go and sled some, I think. I've just been inside being cozy, reading, researching, talking with parents, etc. We watched the inauguration. Now THAT is something lots of fun to do while wearing sweats, drinking hot chocolate, and looking outside at the birds and flurries. I was worried that the music at the beginning...the Appalachian Spring arrangement by John Williams thing.... would be too much to my liking and then I would have to deny myself the privilege of downloading it since I have boycotted the whole ceremony. Thank goodness it wasn't that impressive. Nice, easy-listening-in-the-elevator-ish, but hardly outstanding.

Alrighty, I will take a break now to go sledding. I'll write more after a word from these asterisks:

**********

I have returned.

We walked down to the pond, stopping by Catherine's house on the way. The snow is good enough for making a nice snow ball now. We sledded a bit at the pond, and I tried to build a snow fort, but I didn't make much progress because NOBODY was helping me. After being at the pond we decided to walk down the street to some body's yard that has a big hill on it. We always went down the hill when we were younger (in the days where it actually snowed like this once or twice a year, every year). This year we decided that since we were all teenagers now, we would be like the teenagers back then who would make lots of cool bumps and turns. We manufactured one bump which, to our great surprise, worked well! After succeeding, we walked down to the new part of that neighborhood and tried to sled on the hill in the yard of the model home. Nobody was at the model home, but the outside speakers were playing classical music. I never thought I would get to sled while listening to classical music. But I still haven't. The snow was too deep. But now I have something great to aspire to--listening to classical music as I sled.

We finally hiked back home, to find out that a friend of ours had been calling and wanted her dad to bring she and her brothers over to our house so we could all play in the snow together. Her dad has not made a decision about that yet, so we are all sitting around wondering whether to clean up the house a bit or not.

I have been thinking a lot, and then I thought about what I have been thinking. It seems as though I can never dwell on the present. It's either thinking about what is going to happen in the future or thinking about things that happened in the past. It isn't as if I am discontent with the present. I don't think I am. I hope I'm not. And I concentrate enough to get things done. But is my mind really somewhere else all the time?

I don't know. There are plenty of things that I do where I don't think about-or wish I was actually-doing something else. That is usually just something like playing piano or cooking. Cleaning the bathrooms makes me wish I was doing something else, and writing stories makes me feel like I should be doing something else. If I am reading for school a lot of the time my mind will start to wander and I will either think of how nice it would be to be young and free again, or what my future life will be like...where I will live when I'm married and how we'll do things...UGH. Now is not the time to think about what can't be, nor is it the time to think about things I will have plenty of time to think about when the time comes.

Anyways, I need to get on with stuff. There probably won't be water polo tomorrow, and I don't even know if a significant amount will melt before Thursday so I can go to the Hawks-NRCA game. It might be the only basketball game of the season I get to go to. GOSH I am so tired. I'll talk to you all later!

~Jessica

Be Prepared......no, really.

2009-01-18T19:30:00.003-05:00

In honor of our nation's future president....

[Scar:] I know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as a warthog's backside
But thick as you are, pay attention
My words are a matter of pride

It's clear from your vacant expressions
The lights are not all on upstairs
But we're talking kings and successions
Even you can't be caught unawares

So prepare for a chance of a lifetime
Be prepared for sensational news
A shining new era
Is tiptoeing nearer

[Shenzi:] And where do we feature?

[Scar:] Just listen to teacher
I know it sounds sordid
But you'll be rewarded
When at last I am given my dues!
And injustice deliciously squared
Be prepared!

[Hyena:?] Be prepared for what?
[Scar:] For the death of the king!
[Hyena:?] Why? Is he sick?
[Scar:] No, you fool, we're going to kill him... and Simba too!
[Hyena:?] Great idea! Who needs a king?
[Hyenas:] No king, No king, nah nah nah nah nah nah!
[Scar:] Idiots! There will BE a king!
[Hyena:?] But you just said...
[Scar:] *I* will be king!
Stick with me, and you'll never be hungry again!
[Hyenas:] YEA!!!!!! Long live the king!

It's great that we'll soon be connected
With a king who'll be all-time adored

[Scar:] Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected
To take certain duties on board
The future is littered with prizes
And though I'm the main addressee
The point that I must emphasize is
You won't get a sniff without me

So prepare for the coup of the century
Be prepared for the murkiest scam
(Ooooh!)
Meticulous planning
(We'll have food!)
Tenacity spanning
(Lots of food)
Decades of denial
(We repeat)
Is simply why I'll
(Endless meat)
Be king undisputed
(Aaaaaaaaaah!)
respected, saluted
(Aaaaaaaaaah!)
And seen for the wonder I am
(Aaaaaaaaaah!)

Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared
Be prepared!

[Hyenas:] Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared
Be prepared!

Here

2009-01-17T17:01:00.001-05:00

Music and Lyrics by Jessica

Cool breeze dries a painted picture
My hair is tossed in the wind
Somehow I saw this far
Though I didn’t know who you are

I want to stay right here forever
Knowing I’m right—you love me, too
What have I been thinking all this time?
It’s not a joke that I could call you mine

Stay right here a little while
I’m so entranced by your smile
Why did I deny my love for you?
Strange how we were both so fooled

Sun shines, but the trees protect me
Lush green where I saw you first
The moment is here, but is it right?
How could I have let you see the light?

So distracted, but now we see
I hope I look at you the same way you look at me
Not another trace of fear
My heart’s so happy now you’re here

A division of two sides of me
One for you…maybe
But I know you see me here
Please don’t hesitate to come so near

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.....(aka lazy blogging)

2009-01-15T08:05:00.004-05:00

1. What is your occupation right now?
Bookkeeper and my mother's helper

2. What color are your socks right now?
Dark blue

3. What are you listening to right now?
"Beauty and the Mess" by Nickel Creek

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Cereal.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Successfully? Um..............working on it.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Alex.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes. Why are there always stupid questions like this?

8. How old are you today?

18.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
Football I guess, unless you want to count figure skating and gymnastics as actual sports.

10. What is your favorite drink?
Iced caramel latte from Starbucks.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?

With hydrogen peroxide once, and with henna a few times. The latter usually just gets my hair back to the color it was before I started swimming.

12. Favorite food?
Sushi. No, I am not just trying to sound sophisticated.

13. What is the last movie you watched?
A Beautiful Mind.

14. Favorite day of the year?
Depends on the year!

15. How do you vent anger?
Listen to very loud music or make really loud music. Swimming helps too, but that is not always accesible.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Either stuffed animals or my cooker set. Sometimes both at the same time when I would serve the stuffed animals as food.

17. What is your favorite season?
Summer because of swimming, but really spring because it is so...delighful...

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueberries, but why aren't strawberries an option?

19. Living arrangements?
With my family in a little ranch house on about a half acre. It's not bad. Sometimes I wish we had a big mansion and/or had a lot more land. But doesn't everyone?

20. When was the last time you cried?
I don't know, probably a couple weeks ago? Last year?

21. What is on the floor of your closet?
It has a floor????????

22. What did you do last night?
Went to Radical Wednesday

23. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
Plain with everything else except cheese.

24. Favorite dog breed?
Wolf.

25. Favorite day of the week?
Monday, because it allows me to psychologically get a fresh start on everything!

26. How many countries have you lived in?
In reality, only the USA. But in my head I have lived in England and Australia as well.

27. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds.

28. What is your favorite flower?
Orchids.

Thinking Rosemary Thoughts...

2009-01-12T19:29:00.007-05:00

You know what? It has been a terribly long time since I have sat down to write something with no point intended. I am quite sure that while my latest bloggings may be interesting, I guess they do not contain the usual dash of wit, charm, and randomness that I used to include in whatever I wrote before I became boring. It has something to do with growing up, I think. In that case, I shall resist.

The truth is, like I keep saying, my head has been filled with so many deep musings of late that for some strange reason I cannot seem to think like a person anymore, but more like some old philosopher who lives in a cave up on a hill and sits there stroking his beard, puffing his pipe, and fishing for blind fish in the pond in the cave.....whatever. So away with that image!

Right at this moment I should be reading about 12,000 different books and then immersing myself in pleasant dreams of compost and cultivation. I find that collecting compost and cutting hair are quite similar in that they are both very addictive. The main reason my hair never seems to grow out all the way is that I get very scissor-happy. I go to cut my bangs, and then I have to blend them, and then maybe I want it a little more blended, and then maybe I want to layer this here and there, and then it isn't even, so I keep cutting till it is all even and then I finally stop, only to realize what I have done, and all my hair is in little circles on the floor. Cue depressing music. That is why I am never going to cut my own hair again and my only pair of scissors are at Lizzie and Sarah's house. Okay, I left them there during a sewing project and never brought them back. Whatever. I am sure they are being put to good use.

But about the compost thing. My plan is to actually burn all the dead shrubs, leaves, branches, etc., in our backyard garden (along with the Christmas tree whenever we get around to taking it down), then do a compost-plow-cultivate-whatever kind of thing to it. So today I have started collecting compost material in a big bucket, and it is very exciting to cut up vegetables and dump all the scraps in my bucket! I have to keep a lid on the bucket or else the dogs will eat out of it, which is the same reason I can't put it in the garden yet, besides all the mess being in there which was supposed to be for fires in the fire pit before it got to cold to have them. Too cold for a fire? What......? Whatever. You know, I toss that word around, and it may sound like I am just this weird, apathetic person. Well, I don't know if I am totally apathetic, but I don't care too much about everything. I am a good balance. I hope. I just happen to express apathy often. I guess. Whatever.

So onto another little blurb. Since I have reconfigured my life's plan again, and this time it makes more earthly sense and doesn't require me unrealistically reaching towards the stars...well, I added onto it. Things like gardening. I really like gardening...okay, I have very little experience doing it, but I have always wanted to. Mostly all I have done is keep a little herb garden in the front yard, but that fell out once I got busy (about two and a half years ago), and so it kind of exploded. Instead of a nice little rosemary plant we now have a ginormous rosemary bush that probably has roots to China. It is hideous and it just gets bigger and bigger. Today, I finally decided to put it to good use. I did some research and this morning set to work trimming...okay, hacking...at the monster for about fifteen minutes. Now I wish I had taken a picture of the before and after, but I'm not one of those bloggers who takes pictures of everything she does just out of habit so she can post them. If I had a camera I might have thought about it, but probably not. Anyways, after not making much of a dent at all, I ended with three basket-fulls of rosemary (two big baskets and one little basket (the kinds you go picking wildflowers with). I washed some, gathered them into eight bunches of eight, tied those bunches together, tied the bunches onto some hangers, and hung them out in the storage room. They will have to dry for a month or four weeks, whichever comes first, and then I can have my own dried rosemary! I don't think I will use it in cooking but I may experiment with some herbal tea.

I laid out some more of the rosemary in a long basket and I am leaving those to dry overnight. Tomorrow I am going to make rosemary oil. I can't remember what you can do with it, but I am going to make it anyways, just to see if I can. :D

One final musing before I close out....yeah, I don't want to abandon music and writing. I think that if I am diligent to my studies and projects on weekdays then I can have my weekends free for my pleasures. Until I get a job.....*cries* I wish I could just stay a kid forever sometimes. Like Lizzie said, there just seems to not be enough time in the day for everything I want to do. And that fact often makes me fall into a deep depression thinking, "Oh, everything is so overwhelming...I will never get anything done!" and then I get nothing done because I keep spending all my time thinking the horrible thought about not getting anything done. It is important that I get done the things I must, but sometimes if I don't get to do the pleasurable activities, then I go into withdrawal. Today I was most efficient with my piano. I sat down for seven minutes in-between fixing dinner and waiting for everyone to come and eat dinner, I attempted some TSO song, started fiddling around with the melody line, did some chord-thing, wrote a little of that, wrote some bass line for some part of whatever it was, recorded it on my little recorder-thing so I wouldn't forget, and then went to go eat dinner. Usually I have to bang around for thirty minutes or more before coming up with anything decent.

So that is my head for the moment. Thanks for tuning in and I'll talk to you all later!

~Jessica

Roundabout

2009-01-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

I pirated this from Allison and here's what I got from shuffling the songs and answering the questions with the titles:

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY...
"He's a Pirate." (Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Siberian Sleigh Ride." (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GIRL/GUY?
"Unchained." (Van Halen)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Gone." (TobyMac)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"The Old Church." (John Doan)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Snow Hey-Oh." (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF VERY OFTEN?
"Mirrors and Smoke." (Jars of Clay)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Low." Flo-ri-da ft. T-Pain. (good grief...this is false! :P)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Right Now." (Van Halen)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Epiphany." (Sweeny Todd soundtrack)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"O Fortuna."

WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" (Lion King soundtrack)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"High Flying, Adored." (Evita soundtrack)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"It's My Life." Bon Jovi

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Adding to the Noise." (Switchfoot)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Jefferson Aeroplane." (Relient K)

A PERFECT DAY INCLUDES...
"The Moment." (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Made to Love." (TobyMac)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Roundabout." (Yes)

Prerequisites

2009-01-07T09:57:00.004-05:00

These are some thoughts of mine that also happen to answer Rebecca's question in my "Reflections on 2008" entry....

I do not mean to seem like I am thinking and planning way ahead of myself, but at this moment as well as for some time I have felt as if there is a disticnt possibility that I will be married in what is now less than three years. As I mentioned in the previous entry which was written too long ago (I am sorry about my absence as I have been going to too many sleepovers and then trying to get my life back on track, which, I have discovered, is a pretty hard thing to do), three years really is not a long time. My life seems to go by in episodes of three years. These next three, I feel as if God is telling me that they are specifically for marriage preperation.

Unless my life's course drastically changes, in less than three years I shall become Mrs. Somebody. In this alloted time, therefore, I need to prepare to take on that role. There are, obviously, several "requirements" of being my Someone's wife. No, I have not been sent a letter from any Somebodies detailing what these things must be in a "I won't marry you if you are not like this" kind of way. No, there are just several things that God has put on my heart as being what I must have in place before the wedding day. This is not to say that I am a terrible person now and I must do a complete 180 and become somebody else. No, these are things which I desire to add on to my present self and to enhance what is already there. These past 18 years have not been for nothing, but that certainly does not mean that I am done growing and developing. I won't ever be, but I have to take it one step at a time.

These things must be completed, but as we can all see I have a limited amount of time which must not be wasted. I shall now detail the things I consider (or, rather, God considers) the "prerequisites" of a holy union with my Someone, the things which I must do to "study deserving," as Edward says in King Lear:

A Caring, Compasionate, Selfless Heart: I shall waste no more time on anger or selfish deeds. A woman of valor is not of those. She is a servant, and I will now forever be.

A Knowledge of Health and Healing: I need to know how to properly care for myself, my husband, and our children. If access to a doctor is limited or impossible, I must be the caretaker and healer. Also, if we live in a rural area, possibly an area which harbors other refugees, I need to know how to heal and help them as well.

Pregnancy and Childbirth: For the same reasons as above...for my own good and possibly the good of those around me. One does not have to go through a 3-year Midwifery degree program to know what one is doing when a baby is coming out. Still, I will strive to know as much as possible.

Faith: Seeking God is important, no doubt, but it goes deeper than that. I need to know everything he commands; everything he desires of me. That means staying in his word daily and keeping myself from getting too caught up in life that I cannot take the time to listen to him. And if the end times are coming, I need to not be blind about anything concerning them so that I will not be afraid. Fear comes from a lack of knowledge.

Occupation: I need to make as much money as I can in this time so that I can buy waht I need for survival and to assist my husband in his endeavors to do the same. It is of utmost importance that we create a safe life for ourselves and our future children as soon as we can, so money will be needed to go towards that somehow...in the form of a car, of books, perhaps seeds to grow our own food, building materials, livestock....whatever the Lord desires we do. I guess it may sound a little "out there" to be assuming rural farming like this, but it is a possibility. If it turns out that I do not live this lifestyle I already have what I need to live in a life like the one I have grown up in, that is all. Anyways, I shall save for the future, whatever the future may be and however I might save for it. It is probably better to put paper money back into the economy and get out of it real things of value anyways.

So what about music and writing? I feel as if those need to be put on the back burner now. But saying that makes my heart ache....music and writing are the two things I have had the most passion for for my entire life, and now I am putting them off? I guess it is because I am wondering if they are a waste of time. Is creating a waste of time? Maybe I am looking at it from the perspective that, if the economy breaks down, people are not going to have the money to invest in entertainment, they are going to need to invest everything in merely surviving. So, it would be a waste of time to assume that I could write music and sell it or write a novel and sell it. And why spend my time attempting to produce something that goes into what is already a market of uncertainty? I could end up more broke than I am now.

Am I completely giving up learning new instruments (after all, I did get a violin for Christmas...though somehow it is not as easy as I wanted it to be), composing, fiction reading, or writing stories? No! My mind just doesn't work like that. It would just blow up eventually from deprivation of creativity. I guess, looking back on this entry, this is already starting to sound like you are reading Thesselonians or something practical like that, rather than witty Charles Dickens or something. Sadness abounds. :( But I guess when all you have been reading is practical literature, all that comes out is practical. *sigh*

I guess it will not hurt to allow time for diversion. After all....*lightbulb* my Someone is not going to want to marry a boring person, now is he?!?! No, no, no, not at all. Quite to the contrary, dear Watson. ;) Nevertheless, I shall proceed to abort this entry as my breakfast as thus far remained uneated and I am quite famished.

~Jessica

2009-01-01T22:19:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

Great. I'm getting older. The years are going by faster and faster. I could probably stand it now if I had to wait three years to do anything...of course, three years doesn't seem like a long time compared to how long some people have to wait...whoever those people are. I'm just saying that so that I don't sound like a wimp at being patient.

Oh, never mind... :P

Some Reflections on 2008

2008-12-30T09:05:00.005-05:00

Books I’ve Read (I am pretty sure it is the shortest list I have ever had)
The Turn of the Screw by Henry James
Quest for Love by Elizabeth Elliot
Nicholas Nickelby by Charles Dickens
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Avonlea
Anne of the Island
Anne of Windy Poplars
Anne’s House of Dreams
Anne of Ingleside
Rainbow Valley
Rilla of Ingleside by L. M. Montgomery
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
King Lear
A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Under the Tuscan Sun by Francine Prose
The Sea Wolf by Jack London
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Patterson
Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
Into the Forest by Jean Hegland
Marriage and Family by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer
Beowulf translated by Seamus Heaney
The Secrets of Songwriting by Susan Tucker
Thr3e by Ted Dekker
Let Me be a Woman by Elizabeth Elliot

Favorite Movie of 2008
I actually didn’t see that many movies, at least ones that were released this year. I kind of liked the Batman movie and the Twilight movie, but nothing really amazing stood out to me.

Favorite Songs Released in 2008
Low – Flo-ri-a ft. T-Pain
4 Minutes – Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake
Viva la Vida – Coldplay
Won’t Go Home Without You – Maroon 5

Favorite Songs that I’ve Listened to in 2008
All the TSO songs
All the Nickel Creek songs
Ben Folds, “The Luckiest”
Sweeny Todd Soundtrack
Evita Soundtrack

New Friends I’ve Met (in person…those who I have not met in person yet, I hope you are on this list at the end of 2009!)
Becca
Scott
Alex
Maryn
Moriah
Natalie

Things I’ve Done
Graduated
Gotten a laptop
Turned 18
Started to take piano more seriously
Discovered a love for composing and not just simple songwriting
Realized I don’t have to get married RIGHT NOW
Gotten more interested in reading my Bible and theology in general
Heard my life calling from afar
Completed an undefeated swimming season

Gone real camping for the first time

Tried my hand at sewing clothes (I have yet to see what the finished product will resemble)
Been more passionate than ever about homeschooling my own kids
Decided college is not for me (“college torture, / college university! / Arts and crafts is all I need, / I’ll take calligraphy / and then I’ll make a fake degree…”)
Played Ultimate Frisbee and really liked it
Won my heat and placed 10th for butterfly at the TSA championships
Started this blog
Decided I’m VERY done bragging about my accomplishments

Best Thing of 2008:
NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to start learning… :)

My thoughts at the beginning of the year:
My GOSH…I am going to graduate and THEN WHAT!?!??!?
And
If I don’t get married to *insert name here* then I don’t know what I will do!

My Thoughts at the end of the year:
You have to take time to listen to what God’s plans for you are. But he will reveal them to you eventually.
And
Right now I have as much chance of marrying ______ or _______ as I do anybody else in the world. So why should I give anybody, especially them, any romantic attention or thought right now? Crushes, no matter how you justify them, are crushes and mean nothing….

~Jessica

Habits are Habits

2008-12-27T01:20:00.000-05:00

Before I get on with the rest of the post, here are the songs you guys failed to guess....

3. "Eveline" - Nickel Creek

4. "Tangerine" - Led Zeppelin

5. "Why Can't This Be Love?" - Van Halen

9. "Sweetie" - Josh Rouse

12. "Where the Streets Have no Name" - U2

14. "Our Love" - Amy Grant

15. "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" - Sweeny Todd Soundtrack

17. "Little Green" - Joni Mitchel

19. "Next Year" - Foo Fighters

20. "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)" - Glass Tiger

Okay, on to other matters.

Here is a thought for ya - eating bad is like watching pornography.

YES, that sounds extreme, but it really is a good association, if I do say so myself. So let's say there is this guy who is 19 or 20 and he is watching pornography. Not addictively, but not with any plan to stop any time soon either, perhaps he doesn't really think about it. Then one day, he says, "oh, it is fine now. It is not going to hurt anything because I am not married. Once I get married, I will stop so that my relationship with my wife is the center focus and pornography does not hurt anything." And then suppose I have been eating carelessly, which I often do, often justifying it with the common swimmer-ism "I can eat everything I want to because I burn a days worth of food off in one workout!". Besides that excuse that is limited to, well, swimmers, I can also think, "Well, I am young now. When I get married and pregnant I will then eat healthy so my baby gets proper nutrients. But until then it doesn't matter."

There are two reasons why it does matter. If you watch porn, it sticks in your mind. It is there forever, and even if you forget, it will probably come up later. Bad food stays with you forever, too. Eventually you get to the point where you cannot digest all the fats, so they are stored, and fat cells as well. They will come back to haunt you and some things could be harmful to your baby.

The other reason is that by the time you are married/pregnant, you will be addicted and it will be almost impossible to stop, even if you know it is best to.

That is why it is just as important to be as careful with what I put in my mouth as with what I "put in" my eyes. My mom thought I was kind of crazy for buying a prepregnancy book today from Barnes and Noble. "Making plans we don't know about?" my dad asked. Well, yes and no. I got it mainly because I am interested in health/pregnancy/midwife stuff and this was the only thing there I really wanted besides a little herbal medicine handbook. Okay, that is a lie. I always want to buy the whole bookstore! But I told myself I wanted to spend my giftcard on health-related books only because I have plenty of novels and animal books already that I haven't even gotten around to reading yet. That said, besides wanting the book for educational-occupational purposes, I thought it would be a good book to read now so that I can go ahead and change any bad habits I have gotten into now rather than right before I get married.

Just one of those thoughts...

~Jessica

What Bob Has to Say

2008-12-26T09:30:00.003-05:00

My iPod Shuffle's name is Bob. And this is what he has to say today in the latest episode of "Lazy Blogging" with material pirated from Allison's blog.

Step 1: Put your iPod on shuffle (unless you are privledged enough like me to own one of Bob's cousins, then this step is not necessary)

Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play no matter how embarrassing (unless they are instrumental...I had to skip 11 of those)
Step 3: Bold over the songs that someone guesses correctly (that means you, loyal fans, are to guess what song it is by the opening line)
Step 4: Looking up the lyrics on any search engine is totally cheating and that's not cool (this also means you, loyal fans. You will be banned fans if.....well, I just wanted to make that rhyme).

1. It took a lot to turn away, Blood and water from one side

2. All of your life now you have denied

3. Eveline grips the railing as her lover calls her to the seas

4. Measuring a summer's day I only find it slips away to grey

5. Whoa-oh here it comes, that funny feeling again

6. I used to rule the world

7. Tell me where it's hurting, are you burning?

8. I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware

9. Two lazy dreamers on a winter's night making plans for the spring

10. An angel returned that night through the sky

11. I read the news today, oh boy

12. I want to run, I want to hide

13. We all know the girls that I am talking about

14. I don't know what to say to you, tears are on your face

15. Green finch and linnet bird, nightengale, blackbird, how is it you sing?

16. Momma never said it would be like this

17. Born with the moon in Cancer

18. Eva's pretty hands reach out and they reach wide

19. I'm in the sky tonight, there I can keep by your side

20. You take my breath away, love thinks it's here to stay

It Feels Like Christmas...

2008-12-25T10:05:00.001-05:00

One More Sleep Till Christmas!

2008-12-24T13:01:00.000-05:00

I Guess Sin Doesn't Matter Anymore...

2008-12-21T13:55:00.000-05:00

If this post sounds confused or unstable...it is just purely from lack of organization since I am trying to see this from many different angles all at once....

Christians seem to have this idea that they are all under grace and that all the old laws do not apply anymore. Well, I have been doing some serious thinking, and I do not think that it is true. I mean, of course we are under grace. God gave us a precious gift by letting his son come down here and die for our sins. But just because someone died as a sacrifice does not mean that we can keep on sinning, does it? No…that is ridiculous. And anyways, why would we do that to somebody who just paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we would not have to pay it ourselves? That is selfish. The Bible says, “for by grace you have been saved through Christ Jesus.” It does not say, “for by grace you have been saved through Christ Jesus, so why don’t you go ahead and sin all you want since Jesus went through all that pain for you.”

I do not think there is essentially anything wrong with being carefree. After all, God says “do not worry about tomorrow for it will worry about itself.” He did NOT say, “do whatever the &#$@ you feel like doing today because tomorrow is a new day.” But, you might ask, why should we not sin? And why is it sin anyways? IT IS SIN BECAUSE GOD SAID SO. How can you call yourself a follower of God and then pick and choose the commandments that you feel are best suited to your lifestyle and obey only them? That is like saying, “I am a child of ME”, not “I am a child of God.”

Of course, I know that nobody is perfect. I am not perfect, and I would never go so far to say I am anywhere close unless I was fooling around. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God,” but that is no excuse. God accepts that because he wants to accept everyone. That is why he made it possible to be saved merely through faith…because he knew it was impossible to be human and save yourself just by attempting to follow the law exactly. But you should not say, “Well, I guess we are all sinners…it is inevitable that I am going to sin anyways so I might as well not try to stop myself.”

Our reason for not sinning should not be for securing a place in Heaven, either. If we are all “justified freely by his grace”, then we are all going to Heaven, simple as that. However, as I said in a previous entry….don’t you think we owe it to God to obey his simple commandments? He has given us such a precious gift of grace and eternal life when we don’t deserve it. So why don’t we try the best we can to deserve it?

In the beginning, God gave man ONE SIMPLE RULE—DO NOT eat the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. (You know, that is a pretty cool name for a tree. Nowadays we just have “magnolia” or “pine” or “apple”….those are so boring.) Adam and Eve could not see why God did not want them to eat the fruit, so they did, and look where that got us today. (Okay, it is probably true that if Adam and Eve did not sin, someone would have eventually done something.) God has made lots of commandments that do not make sense. Like, why can’t you eat pork? People eat pork all the time and it doesn’t hurt them. WELL….maybe you should not eat pork because GOD SAYS SO. Don’t you remember when you were a child and your parents told you to or to not do something, and when you questioned them they gave that frustrating answer, “because I said so”? I always hated that, because I liked reasons. I do not like doing seemingly unreasonable things: “Why do we only get to go 35 mph on this road? It’s perfectly safe to go at least 50!” I still haven’t figured out why Sunset Lake Road is that way……it takes FOREVER to go anywhere when I have to use that road.

Now, what if you still feel like you are under grace and that eating pork is not a problem? Well, that is your personal interpretation and conviction to believe that God has saved you thus, and that is fine. Still, wouldn’t it be better to be on the safe side? God may have even said, “It is okay to eat pork now,” but maybe he is also fine if you feel like you should stay with his original commandment. It obviously won’t hurt. And I am not saying anybody has to do this…this is just a personal conviction of mine that I have felt I need to adhere to. Why do we even have the Old Testament if it suddenly does not apply anymore?

Anyways, I have never read the entire Bible all the way through, so I have started doing that now. I may be wrong about some things. There is a certainty that you shall see more theological musings from me in the future. I am also willing to be corrected by someone who has read a part of the Bible that I have not. I just want to get it right, and I am very excited about all this!

I will talk to you all later,
~Jessica

Another Blog Response

2008-12-18T12:37:00.007-05:00

A friend of a friend named Andrew posted a very interesting list on his blog a few days ago. I left a comment on his blog, but now I have decided that since that comment was so long I will just post it here. So here is Andrew's list:

"I believe the following:
1. The existence of God cannot be proven or dis proven.
2. If heaven does exist, it should allow the good in regardless of belief.
3. Your life should be dedicated to being a good person, not praising God.
4. Whether Jesus is or is not the son of God is not important, his teachings are universal.
5. If God truly is almighty he would not need you to give him thanks. Remember that Jesus had skeptics but he didn't cast them as damned.
6. IF heaven is disproved you should still dedicate your life to being a good person.
7. Starting wars, genocide, and hurting innocent lives are evil deeds. God, if he/she is proven to exist should never give just cause to any of them.
8. Religion has caused more deaths then it has saved (number 7), although anything could happen. Many murders may have been avoided because the potential murderer has religious beliefs against killing.
9. Religion should not but can act as a moral compass.
10. Religion should not be irrational or have rules.
11. The history of a religion is not important. The only thing that matters is the lessons it teach to make you a better person."

And here is my response:

1. Perhaps the existence of God could be proven simply because of all the miracles that happen everyday that could not happen otherwise.

2. What if, in God's eyes, someone is not good because they refuse to believe in him? They may do good works, and may not be inherently "bad" in the way our culture defines the word, but by denying his existence a person commits a very big sin in God's eyes.

3 and 5. God may not need our thanks and praise, but don't you think we could at least give him that much? He has done so much for us, and the least we can do is thank him. That does not mean we thank him and then go murder someone, however... :)

4 and 6 are true, though the Bible does say that Jesus IS the son of God, so I believe it.

In number 8 you kind of contradict yourself, though you make two good points. God did not intend these things to happen, but humans are humans and they are selfish. Still, this world is only temporary.

9. Why should religion not have rules? Aren't rules what religion is essentially about? I think religion is about having convictions, personal and/or divine, of some degree or another. Atheism has rules--you can't believe in God. Otherwise you cannot be an Atheist because that would really be missing the whole point.

10. Being a better person is good, but you can do that without religion, and often people who call themselves religious are not very good people.

On another note, I find that people, usually agnostics/atheists, tend to classify people who believe in a higher authority as "religious", and I see that they obviously are not fully aware of what they are talking about. The term "religion" is really referring to something you practice dutifully, etc. Buddhism and Islam are religions. Catholicism is a religion. Christianity is more of a belief. Judaism can be one or the other, depending on what kind of Jew you are. The kind of Christianity/Judaism that I think is best is the kind that people had in the Bible and what Martin Luther addressed in the 95 Theses, and that is man having a personal relationship with God. Sure, there are things God requires you to and to not do, but it is not so much something you do ritualistically as it is something you do because you love your creator and therefore wish to keep his commandments.

11. The history of a religion is very important, because all history is important. You know the phrase, "history repeats itself"? It exists because people aren't bothering to learn from the past...

Preoccupations of the Mind

2008-12-17T06:38:00.007-05:00

Now that the Holiday break is upon me (almost...I have an exam tonight but I had no problem with the study guide so I'm sure it will be fine), perhaps I will be able to write more. I have been a lazy blogger all semester. Here! Read a poem I wrote a year and a half ago! Watch this thing on YouTube I watched over the summer! Yes, I have occasionally appeared live and in person, but most of the blogs that posted were scheduled in August. I don't mean to be so impersonal, but I wanted you all to have something to read while I had no time to write it. Consequently I am quite out of poetry until my brain can think up some more. Video of the Week shall be taking a break until I run out of time again (probably some time mid-January, so if you think about it, it really isn't that long). The truth is I really enjoy blogging, and wish to continue doing it. It just is a big time consumer. I'm not saying it wastes my time, but it probably is not the most useful thing to be doing either.

So...since something like Friday afternoon (after my English exam was over), I have started overwhelming myself with a bunch of information. That sounds a little funny to your Average Joe, I guess, who is probably scratching his head and wondering "why is she studying MORE now that she is done with school for the semester?" and why do people scratch their heads anyways? Does having your brain respond to something make it itchy? I don't scratch my head when I am wondering something, but perhaps I am used to wondering and I have become immune to brain-itches. Nonetheless, learning is something I have been waiting to do all semester! Sure, Sociology is interesting enough for a while, but then it just gets depressing and I start to think that maybe the reason the population is declining is because everyone is taking Sociology of the Family and getting depressed and discouraged about having families. I have not changed my mind, but let me tell you that some of this stuff is painful to study. And I am not even from one of those broken homes or blended families or anything else like that! I have talked to other people in the class who are not as blessed as I am to have a mom, dad, and siblings of origin who are a traditional family with joint sharing-something-or-other and we all love each other most of the time, and it gets to them more than it does me. However, I shall prevail.

What I was saying before I got off on that was.....um......yeah. Learning. Oh, I also learned in British Literature, don't worry. It was a fun class. But all the paper writing drove me crazy, as usual. The only class I want to take over again where I had to write papers would be English 111. That was the best class ever....I could pick ANY subject to write about and could be as opinionated or satirical as I so desired. It was paradise. For me.

SO BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO, I have learned a lot since Friday, and it hasn't even been a week. First of all, some friends came to stay over Friday because their parents went out of town. One of these friends really likes to educate people on very interesting things. I could just sit there all day and he would tell me everything about anything I wanted to know about. I don't know how somebody can have so much information in their head and be able to recall it exactly and then explain it to somebody like me in a way that that somebody can actually understand it. So after two days or so I learned a lot more than I expected to, plus he had brought some Michael Rood DVDs that we watched Friday night. Michael Rood is extremely cool, I have discovered. I like cool people. :D

After all of that, I then began doing all that I have been looking forward to all semester, which is learning. I have been studying law, religion, medicine/health stuff, and midwifery. It is all quite fascinating. The only problem is that I am now putting so much into my brain that I haven't really been talking to anyone. This blog post is the most I have said in five days, and this is writing. I don't know if my mother has noticed anything, but I seem to be having trouble keeping up conversation. She asks me, "How was your day?" And I answer, "Uh...good." "What did you do?" "Uh....stuff."

Yeah, I guess I still am a teenager, but I usually am...uh....responsive. I am a girl. I talk. At least, I thought I did, but I guess I don't. I am too preoccupied. I feel like Mr. Meredith from the Anne of Green Gables books. I am too preoccupied with my theological musings that I cannot seem to do anything but look glazed over and then go back to studying, perhaps writing down some thoughts on what I am reading. Yes, I had about three epiphanies yesterday, so I wrote those in my journal, and went right back to studying. I am sure I am driving my mother crazy. Sorry mom!

On top of all that, if I do have a conversation it is very surface, even with people I normally do not have surface conversations with. Take this blog entry for instance. I can't even think of anything to say other than "I have not been able to think of anything to say." I DO NOT FEEL LIKE CARRYING ON A CONVERSATION. Let me repeat....I am a girl and conversations are all-too-natural.

Perhaps I am in Absorbing Mode. I am a sponge that may be in dire need of squeezing, but squeezing hurts, so for right now I am only dripping. Some day I will submit to being squeezed, but for right now just leave me be, and feel free to run water on me or dunk me in a pan of water...I am all for it!

Let this be a disclaimer--if I do not talk to you this week or do not talk much, please do not think I don't like you. That is not true. I [probably] like you very much.

Talk you you all later (heh heh...)

~Jessica

Video of the Week

2008-12-15T09:55:00.002-05:00

His whistle is a Bb instead of a D like mine....but, man...I can only dream to play like he does one day...

Practicalities

2008-12-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

A friend recently asked whether I liked this guy that I have been hanging out with a lot and if liked me or not. "Well, it's not really like that," I said. "What do you mean by that?" she asked. I then wondered how I had gotten so good at being vague. "It's kind of a long story," I said, as we happened to be texting and I happened to be cleaning the house while we were doing so. "I'll e-mail you later with an explanation."

So I took a very long time carefully thinking out how to explain it, only to find out that she skimmed over it to find the juicy parts (juicy? No. And they would have made more sense if she had read the whole e-mail!). So I decided to post it on here for all ye "we already know about this...no big news or anything" people, in the hopes that you will tell me whether I explained myself well enough and in a way that doesn't sound TOO practical, dull, or rules-ish. So, here it is:

Okay, here's the deal (like I said, it's a long story, so brace yourself). This is a natural thing for me because I've been brought up on the concept, and so has practically everyone else I know (we, the strange homeschoolers....). But, to put it as simply as I feel I possibly can while still making sense, we (me, this guy-friend, and our friends) see dating as kind of a frivolous thing. Some people do it for fun, other people do it because they like each other, other people do it because they love each other. But rarely is it ever for the purpose of getting married. Sure, you could turn that around and say, "well, you date to see if that person is the right person to marry." But there are problems with that. First of all, why use that particular format of spending time together and therefore get so emotionally attached to someone when it may not last? To have your heart broken? We all know that is absolutely no fun and it hurts just as much, if not more, every time it happens. Second of all, dating is even more pointless when the two people involved are not even close to being prepared for marriage. Referring back to item number one, you become attached to someone, and then what? You can't do anything about it. You can't get married. On top of that, throw in teenage hormones and an underdeveloped cerebral cortex (which, if you haven't taken any psychology courses yet, is the part of the brain which houses impulse control and moral judgment) and you have a GIANT potential mistake waiting to happen. The cerebral cortex is not fully developed usually until around 22 or 23.

Of course, a person, can learn to control his or herself in situations like that, which usually requires what I think of as "complete abstinence." That means not just not giving in to temptation, but avoiding anything tempting altogether so that the mind does not even feel an urge of any sort. Physical temptation, emotional temptation....it's all the same really. But a person can control his or her own mind. This means saying "no" to certain things. Things like being in any sort of romantic relationship before one is ready to do something. If you give yourself over emotionally, then what? If you give yourself over physically, then what? Of course, this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, most of whom just live for the moment. But I am thinking of my future husband. Is he going to want to hear of all the guys I gave my heart to? Who I gave any part of my body to? No, because I would not want to hear the same story from him. I want to give my heart only to my husband, and I want him to give his heart only to me. If you think about it, emotional/physical relationships before engagement and marriage are essentially adultery to my future husband. They will sit on my conscience forever, even if I tell him (which I will--I can't lie to my husband).

So you are probably wondering, "how on earth am I supposed to get married if I can't be in a relationship?" and perhaps, "if I were to be in a relationship, I guess I would have to sit there like a cold, heartless statue or something, wouldn't I?" That is where "courtship" comes in. Yeah, it's an old-fashioned term. And the way that this is a lot like arranged marriages may be a turn-off. But here is the concept: A guy and a girl are friends. Maybe just friends who exchange a little conversation here and there during or after church, work, school, or something else like that. Maybe they have a big group of mutual friends and they all hang out together often. Maybe their families are good friends with each other. Or any other situation you can think of. The girl may like the guy, maybe not. Maybe she has never thought about it, but she really likes him as a friend. He more than likely likes her. And it's not for shallow things like looks, but it is really about personality. He has been observing her in her natural habitat(s); observing her interactions with girls, other guys, little kids, older people, and her family. Chances are, she has been observing him in the same areas. In their conversations they have surely found, like any friends do, that they have many things in common, and that they like being around each other. Now, depending both on the age of the two parties involved, as well as the readiness they feel, it may be months or it may be years. In my case I know it will be at least two more years (but that is really beside the point). But one day, when they guy has prayed about it and sought others' opinions on the matter (not just his friends, but also his parents and probably other people who know the girl in mind), he will call up the father and ask to meet him for breakfast somewhere. I mean, it doesn't have to be breakfast, it doesn't have to be a phone call...just minor details. :D But somehow or another, he will get into a conversation with the father, and, once he musters up the courage, he will finally ask to court the daughter. It took my friend's older sister's now-husband three breakfasts with her dad to come out with the question. Hey, I mean, it's a test of manly courage and things like that. :)

Anyways, next comes the courtship part. Firstly, it is important that both his and your families are involved. Secondly, courting is not dating. Courting is spending time together, but not investing in each other emotionally anywhere near as much as you would in a typical dating situation. Let's just say that that is very hard to do. The point of the courtship would be to get to know if the other is really right for a spouse or not. Well, there is no denying that emotion is going to get invested. After all, how are you supposed to hang out with someone (and, often times, that someone's family) with the hopes of getting married soon and be expected to not fall madly in love with each other in that process? That's why emotion and passion are not the main focus, no matter how present they happen to be. What courtship focuses on is practicality and logic about the situation, as well as making sure that God is the center of everything (if you are religious, that is). You probably know from experience that, in love, our first inclinations are to...well, feel love for that person. And feelings are very strong...you should never underestimate them. Thus, a feeling of passion can easily get carried away with itself. If no rules, boundaries, or limitations are set (like Cesar Millan says :P), then of course passion is going to be the center focus. But before the courtship begins, plans are laid out. And guess who gets to be in charge of it and who keeps an eye on the two as the courtship progresses? The parents and siblings! Yes, that sounds like a nightmare to most people, but really....the people who care about you the most and know you best, AND who are NOT emotionally invested in the relationship (or, at least, not nearly as much as you are) are going to be there for you the whole way! And if something doesn't seem right, they will let you know. The reality is that courtships don't always end up in marriage, though it is pretty rare. The reason is that courtship is meant to get to see if that person is right for you to get married to. And sometimes they are not. But most of the time they are, and once the courtship has been going smoothly and you both feel like you are called to marry each other at that time (it could be weeks, months, or years...), then the guy will (with the permission of her dad again, of course) ask the girl to marry him. Once engagement starts, then romance can really step into the picture, emotionally speaking, anyways. But proceeding with caution is necessary, as nothing is final till he and you have been pronounced husband and wife. And once THAT happens, it is officially time to invest in each other emotionally and physically and everythingelseically!!! I hope all this has made sense to you. Please, berate me with questions if it so pleases you. I don't want to leave you scratching your head and wondering when the homeschoolers went mad, if that wasn't what you assumed us to be anyways. :D

So, yeah....like I've said before, my guy friend is a most amazing friend. If something happens between us, then that is wonderful. Now is just not the right time, and if the right time does come, the relationship will not go down like your typical guy-girl relationship you see most often in this culture. I hope I have explained myself well enough and given you a different perspective that may even be inspirational!

Your friend,

Jessica

Video of the Week

2008-12-08T21:30:00.002-05:00

This video was recommended by Elizabeth B. the other night when she was at my house. Hehehehehehe....it's funnier if you know the real song, but it's fine anyways. :)

The Sight of My Love...

2008-12-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

A Poem by Jessica Claire Barker

My love, my love
I see you there
I pause in the door way
And I stare
I've just returned
From rushing 'round
Now I'm home with you
Knowing I'm safe and sound
The corners of your mouth
Turned up in a smile
In wonderland
You have been a while
I long to ask you
Where you are
And where you've been
You have traveled far
My love, I know
In dreamland be
I don't wish to wake
You from your fantasy
I glide over-
Yes, I dare-
To kiss your eyes
And stroke your hair
"I love you," I whisper
As I lay my head down
I listen to your heart
'Tis the purest sound
Dawn breaks and I realize
The beats fade away
And I see I am caught
In the moment of today
I look down to where
My love should be
And I shed a single tear
Over what I do not see
"Someday," I murmur,
"You won't be a dream.
My love won't disappear
at the first sunbeam....."

Who Starts These Tag Things Anyways????

2008-12-03T08:17:00.004-05:00

This is one of those "trying to be Sarah" moments.....I can't remember what kind of flower this is, though....but it was blooming in August, whatever it was, and I think it was a vine of some sort. Moonvine? I don't know. This was about 7 in the morning, but, yes, I took it. The focus is all off.....

The rules: Go to your picture file, go to your fifth picture, post it, and then tag five people. Considering we all know each other, the people available to tag are getting mighty slim. I will, as Lizzie did, tag some people who probably won't do it, but at least they will be tagged: Michelle, Chris, Mr. H......and....oh, good grief. I will re-tag Marck and Allison, even though Lizzie already did. You see, if two people tag them, then they definitely SHOULD respond, right?? Right.

Video of the Week

2008-12-01T07:06:00.000-05:00

I really thing this guy has a good approach to things...he's obviously a Libertarian...I like the way he confronts the issue. Good grief...Americans can be so shallow sometimes, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who notices!

Come True

2008-11-30T08:14:00.001-05:00

The layers of beauty surround me
As I sit here alone
We both know who created this
Now I want you to be here
To share this with me
And not just now, but forever more

The quiet here is thrilling
But the scratching of my pen
Reminds me of where my heart has been
I can hear your whispers
From far away in my ear
Will you ever walk the path with me?

I’m afraid to write about you
Afraid it is not due
Scared to wish on a melody
For fear it won’t come true

I find myself pondering
Why it changes so suddenly
Will inspiration ever find me?
I feel my soul unwinding
Hiding behind a story book
Perhaps the tale should not be told

One day I want to be lost
In the sea of your eyes forever
And in the sounds of your stunning harmonies
You’ll never believe the affections
That sprung from our recent farewell
Ever since I’ve been blind to everything…

If you want to hold
My heart in your arms
Just tell me, I’ll let you
I know you’ll do it no harm

~JCB

2008-11-27T09:58:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

That's all I have to say.

Beware of leftovers...yeah. But even if you're sick of them, be thankful, or they might make you sick.

Le Papier est Fini!

2008-11-25T14:54:00.006-05:00

If you haven't noticed, I've had a little obsession with typing/posting in French. If it's annoying you, I am sorry. I just really want to learn more French and I don't have time. So I am just going with what I know. That means that if something I want to say happens to translate into French in my brain oh-so-magically, then I will say/write it without much of a doubt (except perhaps on the correct pronunciation....)

So I am done with my last research paper for the semester and I am rejoicing, of course. Yes, doing the Highland Fling and other dances I am famed for. I haven't blogged a real blog in a long time. The last time I told you how I was doing was for that "Tag" thing, and that doesn't really count because there was this thing entailed known as "structure." I don't like structure. It bothers me. Organization is not bad, but structure...I won't even go into how it just messes up things.

So things are about to get drastically different. I have re-thought my life plan for the 7,000th time since last summer. Not this summer, just last summer. I am going to stop having getajobaphobia and I am, instead, going to get a job. I really want to work at either a bookstore or a pet store. I am working on a write-up on everything about myself, putting my social security number in big print on the cover page, and giving that package to random people I see in stores.

Next semester I am not going to go to college. Every time I sign up for a college class I forget all the negative things like sitting in classrooms, being lectured, writing papers, taking tests, being told what to do, and things like that. For the rest of my life I am vowing not to make that mistake again. I DO NOT like being told what to do. I am going to do what I want...and that is...

1) Study music theory

2) Study creative writing more intensely

3) Read more books

4) Write more (poetry, stories, etc)

5) Compose more (like, music, you know?)

These would be done when I am not working, of course. And I am going to use my money to either travel the world, buy myself a house (in North Carolina.......), or as my own marriage dowry or something. Or maybe just...oh, never mind.

In other general news, we got our piano tuned yesterday. It's an understatement that I am quite ecstatic. We haven't had it tuned since we got it 14 years ago...sad. So now it sounds next to wonderful. It's an upright, so it will never sound like a grand, but it's pretty pretty! Also, Saturday I got to go to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert! It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!! And that is also an understatement. I'll be talking about it for the next decade. :D

I really need to be getting on important things like chores since I haven't done much because I've been working on my paper. It is a terrible paper. I will fail the class. < /low self esteem > That's okay though! I really don't care. I enjoyed it, but what do grades matter when I'm not going to go to college and I am not going to change my mind about going to college???

I will write again soon. I have to write lots of tiny paper summaries for my classes and study for a couple of finals (ugh...I sound so school-ish...I disgust myself), but I think I will have more time because I don't have to spend so much of it thinking about something I don't want to think about. Isn't that liberating? I'm considering re-naming this the Blog of Liberation again!

Anyways, talk to y'all later!

~Jessica

Video of the Week

2008-11-24T20:40:00.000-05:00

They need no introduction...

A Liberation

2008-11-20T09:34:00.000-05:00

I’ve said I felt this before
But is it real this time?
Love stranded on an eastern shore
See the path to its west – a bending line
Has something liberated me?
Seeing he’s different in that he’s the same
My heart is unconstrained– my mind set free
Never again will worries maim
My soul feels the breeze blowing through
It has opened up its unused wings
Feels a sudden thrill, urges to fly to
The place where all spirits sing…

~JCB

Video of the Week

2008-11-18T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if you should listen to them....

In Which Jessica is Tagged and Also Tags...

2008-11-17T07:57:00.003-05:00

Lizzie tagged me!

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write Six Random Things about yourself.
Tag a few other people at the bottom of the post.
Leave comments on their blogs, letting them know they've been tagged!
Let the person who tagged you know when you've written the post.

1. I cannot decide whether I like winter or not. I don't like it because the weather is cold, harsh, unforgiving, and uncomfortable. However, I like it because when it's cold I can snuggle up and feel warm and cozy inside, read a book, drink all manner of hot things such as cider, hot chocolate, coffee, and tea...and there's Christmas!

2. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself in just about every area of life. The latest has been a nice little habit of doing google searches for mountain retreats/bed and breakfasts with my honeymoon in mind....not even a particular person. Just the honeymoon.

3. I have recently discovered (like, two days ago) that I play piano VERY EXTREMELY by ear...I was sitting down at the hotel in DC, with my "Alfred's Basic Keyboard Chart" (please don't ask...) (and who is Alfred anyways?) thinking that I could start musically notating a piece I am working on. I tried to play it on the piece of paper, but I couldn't really remember what keys to press. I was writing it down, but I have no idea if I'm right or not. I kept thinking...if only the piece of paper made noise...and I thought I was a "doer" but I guess I'm just a "hearer." I wonder if there's any hope left for me....

4. I used to be very much a feminist/tomboy when I was, like, ten or something. It was one of those embarrassing phases of my childhood, so I'm not quite sure why I'm telling you. I just thought that boys had all the fun, and why can't girls go do things the boys did? So I made a point to go against the pressure there was to be a girl and just do what I felt like doing. While I've basically grown out of rebelling against anything girly, I'm still not an extremely girly person....however, I am NOT a feminist any more....

5. I can carry cash into a clothing store and come out with it still in my wallet. But I have to make a point of leaving all my money at home if I am going to the bookstore.

6. I have a large collection of countless notebooks that I've filled up over the years...and I keep most of them in my bottom dresser drawer. Come to think of it...that is my largest collection...

I'm going to tag Michelle and Chris.